Earlier today I made a joke about the Bee Gees (aka The Artists Formerly Known as Les Tosseurs) which fell on deaf eyes. Yesterday I made a jokey reference to Ayers Rock so obscure that even I would struggle to explain it to myself.
Last weekend we were at a friend’s house. Mrs Moose noticed in the hallway what later turned out to be a modern (rubber) hula-hoop, and I told her that it was a spare tyre for a penny-farthing.
The stoniest of ground!
This happens all the time… could it be that my jokes fail because my imagined audience is basically me and the people I knew at college when I was seventeen (who were, as you might imagine, a bunch of drunken wazzocks)?
Could it be that a joke that you have to explain in infinitesimal detail just isn’t a good joke?
… or am I just too good for you all?
Whatever, deposit your failed jokes here and let’s have a good laugh. Maybe.
*dons fake ‘tache*
Oh yes, Moose! Very good! What a card you are!
I inserted a knob gag in the ‘forgotten sports stars’ thread the other week that was not only holarious but entirely thematically appropriate. Tumbleweed.
The other day y’all were talking about a Dr Who episode called ‘Blink’, to which I posted, ‘And I missed it.’
hey, I got that!
I got that as well! Thought it was really funny actually. But obviously not funny enough to warrant making the effort to post a little laugh comment.
I thought that was an excellent joke. Didn’t comment back cos I couldn’t think of anything nearly as witty.
It’s too late, I’ve already flounced. I’m taking my jokes to the Aerial Fitting Forum, where I know I’ll get a good reception.
I went over to the Eccentric Victorian Aviators thread, but went down like a lead balloon.
It may appear to be tumbleweed but I bet it got laughs. It just seems a bit creepy crawly bumlick to post something like “Good joke!” in response every time.
Just to facilitate one weak joke, I went to all the trouble of setting up Facebook accounts for Lord Kitchener and Kaiser Willhelm. Then…the “Kaiser” posted “some people don’t care if zey hurt your feelings” 🙁
And then…Lord Kitchener replies “You OK, Hun?”
I visualised that joke going viral and pictured myself appearing bemused but delighted on chat shows saying, “well, Graham, it all started with one silly joke…” or at the very least one person, just one person, saying “tee hee” or something. But I have aired it on Facebook and Twitter to absolute silence.
And Moose, when you were away for a bit there was a bit of a hole in the AW and I was glad to see you come back. I realise I have used “hole” and “come” in that sentence – go for your life.
Always happy to play my part, however small.
Well, it made me laugh.
That’s genius!
On the old site, there was once a very long argumentative thread that raged for a while about the existence of God. I thought it would be hilarious to register as a new user on the site with the name “God”, then join the argument to say that reports of my non-existence had been greatly exaggerated etc…. I don’t remember any huge applause or “up”s or my post going viral or anything. I try to avoid jokes now. I don’t find it too difficult.
So did you all sort it out in the end?
….on the other hand, don’t tell me.
Strangely enough, no. I don’t think anyone budged in their opinion.
God almighty!
Or not, as the case may be.
Earlier this week I was playing scrabble with my wife and six year old daughter, and deliberately spelled out the word “penis” so that my kid would ask “what’s a penis?” and I could immediately reply “the penis is the urinary and the copulatory organ of the male mammal” in tribute to this scene:
Wife unimpressed, but that’s a very, very difficult movie reference to pull off, and I give myself massive props for having seen the opportunity and taken it with such aplomb.
Unless you’re in consultation with a medical professional, any mention of the word “penis” is comedy gold.
I am 43.
There’s a band in Sydney called Pen Island.
If they get more exposure, they could get pretty big.
Agree Penis is comedy gold. That series of films however is not!
A penis, a penis – the greatest gift that I possess.
The penis mightier than the sword.
Oh my goodness yes. Yes. I know of this. Yes.
It’s a daily (hourly more fucking like) occurrence.
I’m not of the Police forces but I work very closely with them. For seeming millennia now I will finish off meetings or phone calls with various real Plods with an Inspector Clouseau impression, ‘Until the case is sol-ved’ Or, if anything goes unexpectedly wrong, ‘ah, I see. The old (whatever has gone wrong) ploy… Hmmm…’
Nothing. Not a flicker. Ever. Not even a look of disdain such crassness deserves.
All part of life’s rich pattern you kneuww…
I’ve been known to start meetings with “Welcome to the 352nd meeting of the Colonisation Committee of the planet Olfuntlewoodlewitz”; to no visible response from my colleagues.
This very morning during an Agile standup, I cracked a terrible joke with the punch line ‘HIP HIP Array’. It was said to a team of agile developers (the only audience that would get it probably) and even then there were no laughs. My gags are bad at the best of times, but this one was properly shit.
Yes. There’s a piece of IT gubbins we use called NABIS. Which is referred to verbally as ‘nay-biss’
At mention of which I will sing the theme to ‘Neighbours’ ‘Nay-biss, everybody uses nay-biss’
Nothing. Not a flicker.
Ahhhh….the Agile development methodology….everyone stood shuffling from foot to foot desperately trying to remember what they did yesterday. I broke into the song Yesterday once at one of those….I think ‘pity’ is the best description of the response.
The other day my kid drew a picture of me which was very nice, and stuck it on the fridge. She then got two words from the fridge words set and put them next to the picture. The words were “sherbert hole”. This caused some giggling. Then my mrs tried for some reason to move the words and I shouted indignantly “LEAVE MY SHERBERT HOLE ALONE” which caused me and the girl to laugh til we cried. The Mrs was stony faced throughout.
oh well.
To very young child ‘Who is that in your picture?
Young child ‘It’s Mummy and Daddy’
Me ‘Those balloons on sticks look nothing like your Mother or Father’
This does not always go down well.
Young child: ‘I’m an Abstract Expressionist, you putz’
You: ‘Alright then, do Tommy Cooper’
….etc….
On the ‘misspelled Beatles’ thread the other day I commented “Bloomin’ automobile” because it was probably the result of autocorrect, and my autocorrect autocorrects “autocorrect” to “automobile”. Also, a Beetle is a kind of automobile. You could have heard a virtual pin drop.
I’m not bitter or anything.
I saw your joke and smiled appropriately 😀
*quickly shreds draft letter of AW resignation*
I didn’t read that. I need to be more diligent in my stalking.
PS. Nyo-ho-ho-ho!
Stewart Lee: You people are just civilians, you can’t be expected to understand all of it. I’m a professional comedian, comedy is my livelihood, I know this stuff is hilarious.
If only the classical composers had been French, or the hip young AW demographic was old enough to remember Clive Anderson or Channel 4 or television…
I was a t a very boring barbeque a couple of years ago and during a lull in conversation (there were many) I announced:
“I went into town today to buy some camouflage trousers – couldn’t find any”
Not even a titter – one very helpful person suggested I should try Primark
I thought better of trying to explain …
That’s an ace joke. Totally using it.
Probably to the same response.
I had a brain scan once, but they didn’t find anything.
Not impressed with Pilkington’s product range…. I can see right through them.
https://twitter.com/joespacerogers/status/615981786091376640?lang=en-gb
Very very good
That is proper hilarious. And the joke about the trousers above.
I now feel we need a ‘laugh’ button on the blog, so people know when their jokes are getting a reaction.
They used the old “There’s something rotten in the state of Primark” on the first series of ‘No Offence’. Like a drain, I was.
frankly I cant be bothered to check if this is posted already
Someone from Low started a joke? I doubt that.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know and don’t care.
As you can see, I am a frequent visitor to the Popbitch Old Jokes Home.
That reminds me of one my favourite absurdist jokes:
– “What’s the difference between I don’t know and neither do I?”
– “I don’t know.”
– “Neither do I.”
Geez, that sounds abominably unfunny written down.
at a bsb race race last summer……..me to my son….”I think the fresh wasps are off……that bin is full of them”
my son walked off.
recently….me to my 6year old grandson…..man walks into a bakers….”how much for a packet of wasps”?….baker…”we don’t sell wasps”…..man, “nonsense, there’s loads in the window”.
my grandson walked off too.
HERE ALL WEEK etc.
FISH
The spider on the bread roll will get him…
THIS IS OUR CULTURAL HERITAGE
ALSO……..when carpet adverts are on tv, when they mention underlay….I HAVE to say in a speedy Gonzalez stylee “heeba heeba”.
that one never gets a titter.
or….when ITN reporter neena naana signs off…..say narna noo,
COMEDY GOLD
FISH
Almost every post I make on here is a joke.
I don’t get any laughs.
I laughed like a drain when you said how great that FKA Twigs record was.
Its the way ya tell em!
Tiggs’ review of the Kano album was “ooh my stitches” funny and spot on. Not many that can pull that off…
Wow, Sewer. You’ve just made my day!
I’m very proud of that review. It was three years ago now and you still remember it.
Three years? Lawdy mama! I’d only just taken those Danger Mouse pants off my head then. Doesn’t time fly when civilisation is coming to an end?
Don’t stop with the jokes guys, it balances out the Prog threads.
I live in a village. Whensoever someone refers to “Village People”, I do the Y M C A arm movements. It’s still funny to me. Not to my missus or the neighbours.
Do you have Crocs (plastic clogs, really) in Blighty? Or indeed other parts of the world? Anyone wearing them here is derided and sneered at. So I made up a joke and posted it on FB and Twitter. I thought it was OK. Did I get any response? Nothing. Not a sausage.
The joke was
Q: what’s the difference between crocs and gators?
A: You don’t look like a c**t wearing a pair of gators.
That ain’t bad.
Crocs were fashionable a few years ago over here. Don’t know why, they look like doll’s shoes.
Shit man I virtually live in mine out here in Dubai….. why don’t you have a houses in the UAE?
Waits for the tumbleweed
Did you know that the people of Dubai don’t like The Flintstones ? …………………………………………………………………………………………………….
But the population of Abu Dhabi Doo !!!
( Gulp ).
Once during a tv conversation about floating the pound I observed, ‘That’s what’s known as casting your bread upon the waters.’ I was wasted on my family, I tell you.
At work I heard someone outside shouting “Nicole!”
quick as a flash – I shouted back “Papa!”
I waited for the laughter/applause but I then realised that I now live in New Zealand and those ads weren’t shown here.
If somebody fails to respond correctly to the question “What do you think of it so far?” I have been known to burst into tears.
Arsenal!
I work with a new colleague who can only be described (by me) as a corporate lickspittle. Her passion (corporate buzzword) and deadpan enthusiasm is completely exchausting, so I take great delight in puncturing her balloon at every opportunity by dropping hilarious one-liners onto the end of her contributions in meetings and such like. I’m helpful like that, and have over 50 years experience of being irritating.
Passion, eh? Bet she’s on a journey.
If only.
I was at a friends house and his wife is quite a humorless Catholic.
She was going on about the local Canon and how he’d suddenly left the parish.
“Did he get fired?” I enquired ,expecting at least a smile.
Not a glimmer, just a scowl and a riposte of “That’s not in the least bit funny”
Lol
You should have said “….been shagging kids, has he?”
Take it from your Community Cohesion Tsar, that would of bin gold!
Would of bin?
Surely “wood of bin?” is more grammatically correct?
(Runs and hides)
Anyway, anytime anyone of the three of us who work closely together at, erm, work, end a sentence with “What is it?” one of us says, “It’s an x, but that’s not important right now” in the style of the incomparable Naked Gun.
Hilarious to us, not so much everyone else.
“What’s the time?”
“It’s a method of telling how far through the day you are, but that’s not impor…”
“Not again, Dad..?”
Can you pick the kids up?
What time?
2:30.
Sorry, I can’t, I’ve got a dentist appointment.
For fucks sake.
Heh heh heh
Every dad needs that one in his armoury. See also:
How long will you be?
– about five foot ten
What’s that book about?
– it’s about 300 pages
Mrs Beezer ‘What’s this film about?’
Me ‘It’s about an hour and a half’
*chulp of knitting needle through ear*
(For our mostly vegetarian household)….
“What’s for dinner”
“Bean soup”
“I don’t care what its been what is it now.”
… works also for bean salad, bean stew etc. We eat a lot of beans.
How many people work here?
About half of them
My brother and I have 100 years of life experience between us but it’s only in the last five or so that we’ve learned not to shout out smart-arse lines and daft jokes during speeches at family gatherings. That’s partly because most family gatherings these days are funerals, and there’s not that many feed lines in a funeral service. Just a tiny glance at each other does the same job, because we know what the line was going to be.
A few years ago we were at a wedding where they did the ‘speak now of forever hold your peace’ line. My brother was at the other end of the same pew as me, and I knew, I just knew, that he’d be trying to catch my eye and miming holding his ‘piece’. I had to stare at my feet until we’d left the church.
I have tormented my kids for years with the old gag:
Q: How does an elephant ask for a bun?
A: (Waves arm in front of face in the manner of an elephant’s trunk) “Give us a bun.”
Recently, in a flash of genius, I came up with a variation
Q: How does a Dalek ask for a bun?
A: (Holds arm rigidly in front of face, adopts grating voice) “GIVE ME A BUN”
Kids: “Don’t do that in front of my friends”
Is the “elephant asking for a bun gag” standard issue for all new fathers?
I have spent many years doing that – daughters are now 18 and 21, and it still gets a run out at least twice a year.
That’s a classic, but I prefer the ‘How does a clam reproduce?’ variant.
[forearms across face horizontally, part them and say] ANYONE FANCY A FUCK?
And then they threw me out of the Scout hut.
Worst. Arkela. EVER.
Goes well with my farmyard impression.
“Oi, get off that fucking tractor!”
Wasn’t that a Fish-era Marillion “in joke” at gigs?
thanks……just used the elephant gag on the wife.
her response…”oh grow up”.
FISH.
Yeah.
“What the fuck?”
Failed Jokes Amnesty = Tumbleweed Collection.
Annoying market research person: “Can I ask you one question?”
Me: “You just have”.
Annoying charity person: “Can you spare a minute for cancer research?”
Emo Phillips: “Well sure, but we won’t get much done”.
I was approached once in the street by one of those accident claim people
Him-“Have you had an accident in the last 3 years?”
Me – “Yes I have and now he’s just started on solids!”
Him- “Very funny” as he walked off mumbling
We had someone approach the family whilst shopping in Argos. “How do you find your vacuum cleaner?” said the lady with a well known vacuum cleaner logo on her jumper. “It’s under the stairs” came my reply.
A dyslexic witch asked Marvin Gaye for his expert assistance. Bemused, he did what she asked for and painted a pentagram on her roof.
I don’t get it.
Something about ceiling…. hexual ceiling?
Worth waiting for!
Little known fact that Marvin Gaye started out as a cattle farmer. He kept them in a field quite some distance from the milking shed. There was a large vineyard separating the livestock in the field and the shed.
People used to ask him how he got the cows from all the way over there to the milking shed…
Yes, and he Shepherded It Through The Vineyard?
This either gets “that’s great” or “seriously WTF?”
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
That’s a classic. Alongside the deathless…
“Roughly speaking”
What’s pink and hard first thing in the morning?
It’s of course the Financial Times crossword.
I bumped into that singer from the Human League this morning
Phil Oakey?
Yeah, just some light bruising
Credit to some genius on the Afterword from just after Hugo Chavez’s death:
– My wife”s going to the Venezuelan president’s funeral.
– Caracas?
– No, she’s taking a calm and rational overview of the situation.
2 Nuns in the bath.
Where’s the soap?
Yes, doesn’t it.
What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat?
Polyunsaturated.
A colleague at work yesterday- “I’ve got some hot chocolate in my drawers.” “That must be pretty sore” came my reply. Two people laughed, which I would call some kind of victory.
In Coopland’s (a bakery) about ten years ago I was getting some pack-up together. I cheerily spoke to the sales assistant.
“Excuse me love, have you got large white baps?”
She did not smile. You simply have never seen anybody look so tired.
About 15 years ago, working in York, a colleague walked past a waitress carrying a couple of insulated coffee containers. “Nice jugs” said Andy.
My Dad in the Tap & Spile in Whitby c.1996, observing the trouble a barmaid was having filling two four-pint pitchers:
“You could do with a little shelf to rest your jugs on”
I like this image of a senior and junior Moose. I visualise an accomplished master of his craft accompanied by his naive, over keen, eager-to-please teenage son.
Sr Moose – “you could do with a little shelf to rest your jugs on”
Jr Moose – “Yeah! You’ve got big tits!”
I couldn’t speak. I was concentrating.
TWO tramps are looking at suits in topman shop window.
tramp one, “that’s a nice suit”
tramp two “no, that’s the one i’d get”
a passing cyclops kicked his head in.
FISH.
A man walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the barmaid gave him one.