The nights are drawing in, the rain is relentless, the kids are back at school, the germs are rampant, the roads are clogged and everyone is a bit miserable. Methinks it’s time for another joke thread.
I went to a cake shop the other day. All the cakes were beautifully lined up, cup cake, cheese cake, chocolate fudge cake, angel cake and all just 50p. Except one.
“Why is this cake £2:50, when all the others are just 50p?”
“Oh. That’s Madeira cake.”
Your turn.
Barry Blue says
This seems like the right place to ask if anyone can explain the following cut and pasted Tim Vine joke…
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit�”
I don’t get it…
Freddy Steady says
Nope me neither.
Gatz says
I’m guessing that ‘Radio 1’ is incidental. Someone pointed to a building, but Vine looked too high. Right over the top of the building in fact.
No, I don’t think it’s funny either (though to be fair Vine can be).
Tiggerlion says
What’s the square for?
Rigid Digit says
Bought a new ruler from Smiths
Heaven knows I’m measurable now
Gary says
Ken Cheng’s winning joke from this year’s Edinburgh Fringe:
“I’m not a fan of the new pound coin. But then again, I hate all change.”
Alexi Sayle’s best joke from this year’s Edinburgh Fringe:
“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?”
My personal favourite from this year’s Edinburgh Fringe (by John-Luke Roberts):
“How did the Village People meet? They obviously led such different lives.”
Kaisfatdad says
A friend shared his gem on Facebook last week. Shaggy and doggy.
A man sees a sign outside a house – ‘Talking greyhound For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.
“Do you really talk?” he asks the greyhound.
“Yes,” the greyhound replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the greyhound talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story.”
The greyhound looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
“In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a greyhound would be eavesdropping.
“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.”
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the greyhound.
“Ten quid,” the owner says.
“£10!!? But this greyhound is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”
“Because he’s a lying bastard. He’s never been out of the garden!!.
Tiggerlion says
I love a shaggy dog story.
Beezer says
Jay Z doesn’t like ice cream.
He’s got ’99’ problems.
Rigid Digit says
A holiday on the Norfolk Broads may be relaxing.
A holiday on the Norfolk B Roads is probably not
Tiggerlion says
Isn’t that a statement of fact rather than a joke?
Uncle Wheaty says
What do you call an Irish man with a set of French Windows on his head?
Paddy O’Doors
Milkybarnick says
De la Soul have launched a range of giant cookies. One of them is three feet high and raisin.
fishface says
man go’s into a bakers…”how much are your wasps”?
baker…” we don’t sell wasps”.
man “yes you do, there’s loads in the window”.
whats green and if it fell from a tree would kill you?
a snooker table.
two tramps looking in topman shop window….
tramp one….”that’s a nice suit”
tramp two….”no…that’s the one I’d get.
a passing Cyclops kicked his head in.
what do you call a fish with no eyes
a fsh.
all the above carry a Grade II listing.
Tiggerlion says
The last one’s the funniest & I don’t really get the tramp one, unless it is dissing Topman, a shop I’ve never knowingly visited.
davebigpicture says
It’s the spacing of the sentences. Cyclops, one eyed git
Tiggerlion says
Aah. It’s not about Topman at all.
Billybob Dylan says
A female bodybuilder goes to the doctor and says “Doctor! I’ve been taking all these steroids and now I’ve grown a cock!”
The doctor says “Anabolic?”
She says “No, just a cock.”
Tiggerlion says
LOL.
I believe that’s the correct term.
Billybob Dylan says
Bloke walks into a pub and see a dog on a barstool licking its own bollocks. The bloke says to the dog’s owner “I wish I could that!” and the owner says “Well, give him a crisp and he might let you.”
bricameron says
I’m hoping for a resurgence in physical comedy a-la Buster Keaton/Laurel and Hardy.
Tiggerlion says
Try Peter Kaye or Miranda Hart.
Chrisf says
HERB and Mavis lived in a retirement home in adjoining apartments. One day when they were sitting side by side in the sun, Herb said to Mavis, “You know Mavis, I haven’t had any sexual action in over 30 years. Would you please do me a favour?”
Suspicious, Mavis looked at him and asked, “What might that be?”
“Would you please hold my cock while we play bingo?” asked Herb.
“I suppose so,” said Mavis, “but I won’t do anything else.”
So for the next couple of months, Mavis held Herb’s cock under the table while they played bingo. Then one day, Mavis went into the bingo hall and saw Herb sitting with another woman, who was holding his cock.
“How could you cheat on me, Herb?” Mavis cried. “What has she got that I don’t?”
“Parkinson’s,” replied Herb.
bricameron says
These jokes are terrible 😂😂😂
MC Escher says
I’ve just crossed a homing pigeon with a crocodile. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Bad news! I failed my peripheral vision exam – didn’t see that coming…
Black Celebration says
The worst Mastermind contestant ever passed away this morning.
I’d go to that Tetris-themed party but I’m worried that I might not fit in.
nigelthebald says
A duck stands at the side of the road, waiting for a gap in the traffic.
A chicken rushes up to him and gasps: “For pity’s sake, don’t do it! You’ll never hear the end of it.”
hubert rawlinson says
The extremely ugly flatfish and the beautiful young goat.
Love that one.
Tiggerlion says
That’s just daft. Isn’t it?
Twang says
A man went into a pub and ordered a pint. On the bar was a bowl of peanuts from which he helped himself to a few. “Mmmmm, your fingers are so soft, clean and beautifully manicured” said the bowl of peanuts in a gentle voice. Shaken by this experience, the man felt in need of a cig so went to the machine. On putting in his money the machine barked”you can fuck right off, smoking is a disgusting habit and I don’t like the look of you anyway so I’m not vending nothing to you”. Even more shaken the man recounted his experience to the barman.
“Ahhh well the peanuts are complementary but the cigarette machine is out of order” he explained.
fentonsteve says
A woman went into a cocktail bar and ordered a double entendre.
The barman gave her one.
Tiggerlion says
Very smooth.
Lando Cakes says
Next customer was a sound engineer. She gave him one too.
Black Celebration says
I was called a narcissist the other day. I had a good long look in the mirror after that, I can tell you.
I had to walk out of my job at the Helium factory. Nobody talks to ME like that.
Moose the Mooche says
I told that bloody ventriloquist to have a word with himself.
JustB says
Watson and Holmes are in bed enjoying a post-coital pipe. Watson, snuggling in, asks “My dear Holmes, perhaps you can explain something to me.”
“By all means, dear chap,” says the great detective.
“I was struck by your decision to use lemon curd as a lubricant, and wondered if you could shed any light on the matter?”
“A lemon entry, my dear Watson.”
Tiggerlion says
You naughty boy.
Mousey says
👏
bungliemutt says
I found a lion in the back of my wardrobe recently. I said “what are you doing here?”
“Narnia business” he replied.
Tiggerlion says
That hit the spot. Thank you.
salwarpe says
A dung beetle walked into a bar:
“Is this stool taken?”
Tiggerlion says
These are all good. Trouble is, there aren’t enough. I have a friend lying in hospital, possibly for weeks. I’ve promised to text her a joke a day! 😿
Beezer says
The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity.
So I took it back and they replaced it. Free of charge.
minibreakfast says
That’s smashing, Beezer.
Beezer says
Is knit?
minibreakfast says
Ooh, you are a card (igan).
MC Escher says
Continuing the ancient jokes theme
I got a sweater for Christmas last year. This year I’m hoping for a moaner or a screamer.
Dave Ross says
I only have one joke
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre
nigelthebald says
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
fishface says
man go’s into a pub, orders a triple vodka.
landlord places the glass on the bar and before payment the man downs the drink in one.
“bloody hell..whats the hurry” says the landlord.
“first blowjob” says the man.
“congratulations…have one on the house” says the landlord.
the man replies “oh thanks……I can still taste it”.
my wife laughed when I told her I had made a car from spaghetti….
she soon stopped when I drove pasta.
fentonsteve says
Knock, knock.
minibreakfast says
Who’s there?
fentonsteve says
Dayjav
Gary says
minibreakfast says
*thwack*
fentonsteve says
In my defence, Miss, I have spent the day in the company of 14-year-old science nerds (and, if anyone from Yewtree is reading this, their teachers).
fentonsteve says
A bright boy grows up in a countryside village and falls in love with the idea of driving a tractor for a living. Fresh air, the great outdoors, at one with nature and his machine.
As a teen, he gets a Saturday job on the village farm, but he’s not allowed on the tractor – they’re dangerous agricultural machines to be operated only by trained personnel.
He wants to drop out of school before his exams and get straight to work on the farm, but his parents aren’t so keen and make him sit his GCSEs first. He passes with eight grade A stars, and sixth-form college and university are on the horizon. But all he wants to do is drive a tractor.
He starts work on the farm that summer but, the very first time he takes the tractor out on his own, he crashes it into a ditch and is trapped in the cab, with the steering wheel crushing his leg. Eventually, the farmer realises he’s late back and sets off across the fields in a Land Rover. Seeing the tractor on its side, he dials 999.
The ambulance crew arrive at the farm and the farmer drives them across the fields in the Land Rover. They get to the tractor, manage to get him out of the cab and onto a stretcher, then the farmer drives them all back to the ambulance.
“Turns out I’m not much cop at this tractoring lark”, the young man says to the paramedics. “I’ve gone right off them, to be honest”.
On their way to hospital, the ambulance crew spot flames coming from a window at the village school. “Stop the ambulance!” the young man shouts. “My little brother’s in there.”
He gets up from the stretcher, limps over to the burning buidling, smashes a small pane of glass, puts his lips to the hole and sucks for all he’s worth. By the time the fire brigade arrive, the flames are extinguished.
“How did you manage that, young man?” asks a burly fireman.
“Well, Sir. I’m an ex-tractor fan” comes the reply.
minibreakfast says
I could see that coming a mile away, but it still hurt.
I wonder how many text messages it will take for tigger to send it to his pal? Should keep them both busy, at least.
fentonsteve says
Tigger can add or subtract as much extraneous old cobblers as he likes. I once dragged that one out to a whole evening at a wedding reception, when I couldn’t remember any other clean jokes. I still can’t.
Tiggerlion says
Thanks everyone. Baby has been born. Jessica 1lb 8oz. Only 16 weeks prem. The bored waiting is over. Both are doing well (so far, long way to go). No more ‘jokes’ needed thanks very much
fentonsteve says
Goodness me, Tiggs, she’s tiny. Best of luck to both ladies.
minibreakfast says
Glad they’re both well. I’m sure all the jokes made a contribution to this outcome.
Tiggerlion says
The most positive response I got is that the jokes were ‘a distraction’.
Kaisfatdad says
Fingers seriously crossed that things continue slowly and surely in the right direction for mum and baby.
Poor you Tigs, You must have really needed a few jokes in the past week to take your mind off things. (That brings back some memories. When our daughter was born, she was preposterously tiny: the size of a small chicken. Now she’s a 11 year old bruiser that pushes me around.)
Milkybarnick says
What do you call a guy who sits by himself in a monastery and plays jazz piano all day?
The loneliest monk.
Tiggerlion says
She’s not a fan.
Rigid Digit says
The man who invented anagrams has died
May he erect a penis
Rigid Digit says
The man who invented Autocorrect has died.
May he restaurant in pieces
minibreakfast says
His funfair is next Tena Lady.
Rigid Digit says
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
Things got a bit tense
Black Celebration says
The man who invented algorithms died last night in his sleep.
He’d have liked that.
MC Escher says
Eh?
Black Celebration says
Yes this one may need work. My understanding is that the computer algorithms are the things that decide, often with chilling accuracy, “if you liked that, you’ll like this!”.
On Twitter I changed the punchline to “it’s what he would have wanted”.
I think there’s the kernel of a good joke here, but I think I might need assistance.
fentonsteve says
It’s been the kind of Friday day where I need cheering up. So here’s a Friday afternoon joke…
One winter’s day, a monk sets off from his monastery to visit the local friary. It’s a day-long walk, but a storm brews up early-afternoon and he gets caught in the downpour. Being winter, it’s dark by mid-afternoon and he’s tired, cold, wet and hungry. He walks to the nearby convent and knocks on the door.
A nun answers and she lets the monk in, offering him a hot meal and room for the night. She and another sister show the monk to his room, where they run him a hot bath and leave him to it – one takes away his wet clothes to dry, and the other goes off to get a bath towel.
While the monk is in the hot water, he falls asleep. The two nuns come back with the monk’s dry habit and a towel. They knock on the door but the sleeping monk doesn’t reply, so they let themselves in.
During his nap, the monk’s {ahem} ‘periscope’ has ‘surfaced’. The two sisters walk in and see the ‘glory’ poking out of the water.
One nun faints. The other has a stroke.