Im not as frequent a visitor to the AW as I used to be but this is still a site that remains important to me. I was thinking the other day, for no good reason, about some of the things that have really grabbed me here and we do have some very talented wordsmiths. The one that that has stuck with me was on the thread I started a few years ago about songs that have a special and personal meaning and @Chiz wrote a hauntingly beautiful piece based around Paul Simon’s ‘America’. Im pasting it below and the point of this thread is to celebrate the best of the AW -whether it be poignant or funny (or both). So come on make your fellow AfterWorders blush with pride or embarrassment and post it again here.
This is the piece that Chiz wrote:
When I was 17 I found myself, through no conscious effort on my part, going out with the prettiest girl in the school. I was in a band and had a car, and she was quite short-sighted; maybe that was it. Our music tastes met in the middle – Japan, Ultravox, Human League, but she got to them from one direction, via the awful caterwauling of Kate Bush, and I came from the other, via the awful caterwauling of Ian Gillan and Robert Plant.
When push came to shove, up in her bedroom on steamy afternoons with the windows open and the curtains closed, the album we bonded over was The Simon and Garfunkel Collection. This 1981 re-run of the Greatest Hits was the perfect soundtrack to teenage trysts, but you had to be finished before Side One Track 7, At the Zoo, spoiled the mood. I don’t recall that ever being a problem.
The song we played over and over was America. As soon as Paul packed his fags and pies and started laughing at the squares on the bus, we knew we had to do the same. We’d make fantastic plans in that bed, involving hitchhiking and Greyhounds, and even if our journey ended, as Paul and Kathy’s did, in emptiness and aching on the outskirts of New York, we still couldn’t wait to go off and look for America.
And so we did, and many other countries too, but not together. We lasted through university but not much longer, and it was messy for a bit – I indulged in one, maybe two years of weapons-grade sulking and wretched songwriting, while she showed every sign of moving on with hasty grace – but time and maturity did their thing, eventually. So we introduced each other to our new partners, and went to each other’s weddings, and had holidays with our spouses, and visited each other when we were living abroad. After nearly three decades of that, it was pretty much impossible to believe that we had ever been anything other than old friends. How terribly strange to have been seventeen.
So it wasn’t that unusual when my phone buzzed up a message from her the other evening. But the content made me instinctively and shamefully glance around the room to see if my wife was nearby. It said I’m counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
Immediately I was back in that room, with the single bed and the abandoned coffees and the album covers scattered across the floor, dreaming of Pittsburgh and Saginaw and raincoats and moonrise. Listlessly plucking the fruit of another cheap day from the infinite orchard before us, and throwing it aside, disregarded and discarded, like the ‘A’ Level texts on the desk, and the clothes under the bed.
I knew she was back there too, so, feeling as guilty as a man can when he thinks he might accidentally be having telephone sex with his ex when all she’s actually done is tell him she’s halfway across the world, at a diesel-drizzled tollgate between an oil refinery and the docks, I fumbled out a reply: How many are there?
A minute later the reply came from 3000 miles and 35 years away. It said: They’ve all gone.
dai says
Anything by @niallb
Boneshaker says
There was a similar post to the one above by niallb a few years ago, in which he told the story of a girl who kissed him in a university bar, or similar. It was well written and very touching.
niallb says
Thank you.
Moose the Mooche says
Amen brother.
niallb says
Wow, I found it.
Feedback_File says
Fabulous
Boneshaker says
That’s the one. Great stuff.
Vulpes Vulpes says
Thanks for replaying that piece from @chiz – somehow, I missed it the first time, but it’s rather excellent and rings similar bells for me, and I’m very glad to have caught it now.
Dave Ross says
Without trying to make it an @chiz love in his “Night Out With Some Fuckwits” post a few years back seems to have reached out beyond The Afterword. It was a glorious take down of “those” people. Agree with the comments on @niallb ‘s rare but beautiful posts. @tiggerlion ‘s reviews, @bingo-little ‘s attempts to drag us into the 21st century music wise. All the contributors really. “The whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts” as Aristotle said apparently, he was probably talking about The Beatles…..
Junior Wells says
I am a fan of the classics
Moon Sausage
5 Fuckwits and Crowded House
My Night of shame with a fray bentos pie
Amongst the very many excellent reviews I recall one by HP on a Beach Boys anthology. The opening lines were just mightily apposite.
Moose the Mooche says
Individual posts and even phrases come back to me rather than threads, like
– one AWer’s miserable account of a Sunday afternoon in the old days “…and then, to add insult to injury, Sing Something Simple”
– an argument between an AWer and his partner which concluded with her shrieking “….and I hate Steely Dan!”
– Burt on the wheelbarrow thread: “I’m certainly carrying wood”
– Rob: “I’m a happy whelk!”
– An account of the Michael Schenker group playing in what they called “Nertinkham”
– Sooty’s disco
Beyond that, it’s what everybody else has said – I’d mention Tigger’s Friday morning braindumps, those accounts of Scottish football I think by Andrew (or a meringue?), and some properly good serious discussions where you do a good job of pretending to be grown-up (I initially put “we” but thought better of it)
I’ve been writing on here for ten years – some people would probably say I’ve been wasting my life. They’re probably right. I don’t know where I’m going with this.
Kaisfatdad says
Saucecraft on Dog Breath in the Year of the Plague
Let’s celebrate Zappa’s extraordinary way with a lyric.
The full minute of delerious Pachuco whooping and cheesy horns before the vocals kick in. The sleazy teen-idol way it’s sung, the stoopidity of the woids.The way “LegionStadium” is forced into the metre. The OPERA SINGER joining in with the chorus. The treated chipmunk chorus. My ship of love is ready to attack! Then some insane time signature jazzbo instrymental bad trip fairground music, finishing with some gorgeous woodwind harmony … only Zappa. Nobody else. And I’m betting this will still be flat-out funny and jaw-drop beautiful a hundred years from now.
Chiz was hilarious recently on the art of competitive grieving.
Bingo Little writing after the death of Maradonna was Premier League stuff. Personal, poetic, informative, epic….
There have been many reviews which have been so well-written that I’ve dashed out to buy the book, see the film, listen to the album. I will try and remember a few later.
chiz says
Thanks for digging that out, FF. I’ve still never dared publish that anywhere else – not sure why, it’s perfectly innocent really, but at the same time I’m not sure i’d want my wife to read it.
Shout out to @dave-amitri who has developed into a fine, engaging writer over the years, by the simple process (and indeed the only truly effective one) of working really hard at it. Like Saucecraft, Little and Lion he understands that good writing isn’t about GOOD WRITING at all, it’s about the service of the subject. The less you see of the craft, the better. GOOD WRITING is like driving around with the bonnet open so everyone can see the engine, but you can’t see the oncoming traffic.
I refuse to learn this lesson; I’ll whore myself out for those lovely moreish upticks of cheap regard. Overblown Sentimental sells well on the Afterword. For example; Listlessly plucking the fruit of another cheap day from the infinite orchard before us . What a TART. Any decent editor would red-pen that, using the blood that dripped from the nib they’d just jabbed through my temple as a punishment for having thought it up in the first place.
Dave Ross says
@chiz after nearly an hour of hand wringing I’ll accept your praise gratefully without looking for any hidden agenda or covert criticism. Genuinely, thank you. It’s interesting because I very nearly gave up completely after your No Parlez take down as I cannot come up with the range of similies / metaphors that you do. From that piece alone…
It staggers like a drunk in a bouncy kebab shop.
It writhes like an inflatable wraith outside a secondhand car dealer.
They play, they don’t spray. Pino is not so much in the pocket as all over the front of your trousers, like splashback piss from a tin urinal.
You, Bingo, Saucecraft, Tigger and others make it look so bloody easy and can be unintentionally intimidating but what The Afterword gives you is a platform, a comment of appreciation here, a verbal pat on the back there and that confidence from engaging in what you’ve written. That all goes to bring out the best in us all. Equally an ill thought criticism may put someone back in their shell never to try again but that is rare now. I’ll stop now like a train at a station that’s stopped. See? Hopeless…
chiz says
No covert criticism of you Dave, although I understand your suspicion as I usually do have an agenda! Anyone who can make me think “Hmm, maybe I should give Aladdin Sane another listen” has done a good job in my book.
Boneshaker says
There have been so many good things on here over the years, and it’s hard to single out individual pieces (especially when your memory is crap). Some of the best threads have been the humourous ones, even if that wasn’t the intention of the OP. Many exchanges between HP and Rob C have been priceless, as have Moose’s one-liners. I also miss the unintentional laughs provided by Bri / Bellows, which I appreciate were not everyone’s cup of tea.
There are many who consistently over the years always come across as thoroughly generous, decent and likeable people – Tigger, KFD, Junior and others. I couldn’t hope to match the knowledge and erudition of most of you, whether it be on music or a range of wider subjects. And before this thread becomes a @chiz love fest, he is one of those posters whose writing I most admire, and with whom I most often find myself nodding in agreement. Great writing, good humour, musical discoveries – who could ask for more from t’internet? Long may it continue.
Beezer says
I made a good lot of friends a couple of decades ago when we all worked together and often shared houses together. Over time this little clique physically disbanded with moves abroad etc though the friendships remained.
We’d keep in touch by actual letters written on paper but more usually, of course, email. I’d fill mine with anecdote and daftness . ‘Oh, your emails are good. You should write.’ Said a few kind souls.
Buoyed, I thought I might have a knack for it. I winkled out a short story or two and again was given encouragement.
Then I logged onto the Word Blog. It wasn’t immediate but it was a very quick realisation that I really couldn’t. I was surrounded by fluency and erudition. Not that either matter,I know Some of you guys and gals have style in container loads I can’t match. Also. I don’t have the work ethic to just keep putting ink on paper over and over again until you learn. So there’s that aswell. I’m possibly the least suited aspiring author that ever was.
I’m long since over the disappointment. It’s Ok, I forgive you.
Someone who needs to publish a diary is Moose. The internal monologue to beat them all.
Moose the Mooche says
This is my diary. For me, the other people on this blog are entirely incidental.
Vulpes Vulpes says
That’s an easy claim to make. But I know the truth. All the other people on this blog are actually entirely imaginary. I spend so many hours each day logging off and back on again. Sometimes I lose track of all the different personalities and passwords. It’s a nightmare. I think I’ll have to bring the whole edifice to a conclusion soon, and move to an off-grid cabin in the woods where I can shit in a bucket, eat weeds and no one can find me.
Moose the Mooche says
You can shit in a bucket any time you like. Top tip – get a plastic one, they’re easier to clean.
davebigpicture says
Not in the dishwasher though.
Moose the Mooche says
Yeah, definitely don’t shit in there. Not even in the cutlery basket.
Junior Wells says
Shout out to Mojo /Concheroo – his long form pieces worthy of any “”serious” music mag.
I did enjoy the Jeff Beck / Lionel Whatshisname threadathon with The artist formerly known as Burt.
He continues doing those deeply researched retro pieces on his blog to a decent audience. On Twitter he seems to be the resident what guitar is that expert. .
Tiggerlion says
I loved Drakeygirl’s and Hannah’s work and miss them both. I could never match the wit of many participants on the blog. Apart from the usual suspects, I’d like to big up Black Celebration who regularly makes me laugh. Pencilsqueezer’s few visits are like haiku, beautifully put, and I always enjoy the squabbling of the Baron and SteveT. I just wish they were here more often. Moose is a great solo act but, @minibreakfast, please come back and egg him on to even more depths of filth.
My favourite piece was on a thread about shaving, long lost in the great Facebook escape. I can’t remember which Afterworder it was but they depicted themselves as a gentleman of leisure, wearing a smoking jacket, whose Turkish man servant lived in a cupboard under the stairs. Once the ablutions were dealt with, they wrestled and before they knew it, it was dusk. I laughed for the best part of an hour.
I’m grateful for the positive comments on my writing but I am a mere amateur. I enjoy listening to music and am often passionate about it. I like describing what I hear and how it makes me feel. I also like to tell a story behind the records. I do what I do because I like doing it and I like doing it here, nowhere else. I’m happy that people take the trouble to read my reviews and more so that I receive such positive feedback. I have no ambition to be a ‘writer’. I am useless at describing personal relationships or making up stories with imagination and sparkling turns of phrase. I have a proper job that fills most of my time and when I retire, I’ll walk round Wales or drive a camper van to Europe. Possibly.
However, the beauty of the Afterword is its hive mind. The threads that take off involve many, many participants in an ebb and flow, not just a handful of individuals. My message to lurkers is take the plunge. The more the merrier.
Black Celebration says
Thanks Tiggs – very kind of you.
Junior Wells says
I remember that thread, safety razor v electric. Stroke with the grain v against the grain.
Preparatory softening v just lather up and let it rip. After shave or not.
It was a minefield.
Diddley Farquar says
Hello Tigger. It’s me who has the Turk under the stairs. He says hi. Thanks for the mention.
Tiggerlion says
Fabulous! I don’t suppose you could find your contribution to the thread and post it here? I could do with a good laugh.
Moose the Mooche says
Depths of Filth – TMFTL
pencilsqueezer says
Here’s today’s Haiku for you Tigg.
Writing unsurprisingly isn’t my bag. I guess that’s why I am so rarely here. I have nothing of interest or worth to add.
Long may you all ramble on though.
Tiggerlion says
Beautifully put. But total nonesense 😀🙏
Gatz says
With images as eloquent as yours the words, however welcome, may be superfluous.
pencilsqueezer says
Thank you.
My painting doesn’t get misconstrued, my words frequently do.
I’ll stick to painting. ✌️
Black Celebration says
I like everything and every person on here who takes the time to post. Honestly, most people don’t have it in them to even lurk here, so I do see this place is where like-minded people end up.
I take a great deal of comfort from the standalone pieces because they often have something in them that mirrors my own experiences. The perspective they bring is really important. And I *know* you will appreciate the titanic internal struggle I am now having to avoid a reference to the ‘Tap.
I get up fairly early and have a quiet house for an hour or so. Sometimes I wake up with a really stupid idea or (worse) I get on my political high horse and off it goes. By the time I’ve had a cup of tea and engaged with normal life with the family and/or work, I look back again some hours later and cringe a bit. “It’s just something on the Afterword” is a phrase I often use when I react to something funny and my wife knows that absolutely all of it will be lost in translation.
Junior Wells says
I tell you who could write, the irascible Dog Faced Boy. Fantastic reviews written straight off the bat.
Just don’t sledge Elvis Costello or Kate Bush or WWW3 woud erupt.
Blocked me on twitter for no apparent reason that I could identify. Still, he could write.
Twang says
He was so incensed that I made a podcast tribute to Walter Becker that he never spoke to me again.
Junior Wells says
Lol
salwarpe says
I’d agree with all of the above, but would add Ahh_Bisto to the hall of fame/pantheon. Thoughtful, well-considered posts that are enjoyable to read, whatever the subject. Here’s one which is quite topical, given the recent thread on the passage of time and children:
Tiggerlion says
Ahh.
Moose the Mooche says
This also from the gravy dreamboat is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.
chiz says
On a related topic, I’ve just finished writing the most Afterword screenplay ever. It’s a comedy road movie where two melancholic middle-aged, middle-class blokes drive the length of Britain on a pilgrimage to find the phone box from Local Hero.
If there are any melancholic middle-aged, middle-class blokes here who would be prepared to read and critique it I’d love the feedback – send me a message and I’ll bung it over. Not that it’ll ever get made (because it’s about melancholic middle-aged, middle-class blokes) but I think you’d enjoy it.
Vulpes Vulpes says
When they get there, if they do, is it like the phone box in our village; empty of telephone equipment, but stacked full of curled-cover Richard & Judy recommendations?
Gatz says
They would not – this was in the news the other week – https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-58516327
Vulpes Vulpes says
This just in; shock news! Local politicians make sensible decision! World ends!
Harry Tufnell says
It was at the old place, and it wasn’t really a piece of writing, but Lenny Law’s collection of wig photos still makes me chuckle when I think about it.
Bingo Little says
Late to this, as ever.
I play football on Monday nights with a bunch of guys (bear with me here). Some of them coach the local kids football teams, and are comprised of semi-professional players and, in a couple of cases, former pros. The rest are the parents of the kids in the local teams (except me: I blagged my way in despite my progeny showing no interest in the sport whatsoever). It’s a very odd mix and the ability range is huge.
Every now and then, the coaches get a bit competitive, and consequently shirty with people they don’t feel are good enough (not me, obviously, I have feet of purest silk).
It always seems a bit juvenile, because no matter who you are – even if you earn money playing the game – there are people out there who would make you look a rank amateur. People for whom your inability to do the things they can do with the ball is just as mystifying as you find it when you watch some poor sod trip over his own laces. Which is why those people play up front for Barcelona and you coach kids for spare cash.
There is no minimum bar for football, no level that makes you “good”. Unless you’re doing it with money on the line, there’s just people who want to have a go at it, and they all deserve respect.
Writing is no different: there’s no point getting pleased with yourself, because there are people out there whose prose would make any of us look like drooling infants. Likewise, there’s no point getting down about yourself or feeling intimidated, because there is no minimum bar of quality you’re failing to hit. The good news is that it’s a free for all.
Personally, I think the best writing on here is generally when someone is talking about something personal; either because it’s their real life or because they’re excited about something. The current thread on kids leaving home is a classic example: I think Barry Blue wrote the OP, and it’s great – moving and personal and true. There’s no album review or retrospective of a dead celebrity that can beat that truth.
So, I say: don’t worry about “good writing”. Write what you want, write from the heart and write to please yourself first and foremost. If you make someone else laugh, or think, or feel, then that’s a bonus, but it’s not the point. Not on here, not really.
With that, I’m off to play football, because that’s good too.
Gary says
Funnily enough the personal threads are the ones that interest me least. I find them a bit “Our Tune”. I couldn’t really care less about most of the people I know in the flesh, let alone people I’ve never met. (I don’t think I’m particularly misanthropic; I just enjoy my life too much to take much interest in other people’s.)
As for “favourite moments and writing from the Afterword”, my favourites are anything written by me, then in second place anything written about me. I think this thread, until now, has been my least favourite thread ever.
Lodestone of Wrongness says
As your pool boy I have to say – “What about me????”
Bingo Little says
Too much information.
Sewer Robot says
How’s Lodey your pool boy? I’m certain I put 50p on the table first..
Gary says
Lodey is most definitely NOT my pool boy. Despite applying for the position no less than thrice. Frankly, he showed no initiative. I doubt he even knows how to use a spoon, let alone make a decent frappe au caramel.