Year: 2017
Director: Tan Bing
DISCLAIMER: THIS REVIEW IS ONLY OF THE TRAILER.
See first Comment for the review.
Might appeal to people who enjoyed:
The China Syndrome. Simply because China Salesman is probably a sequel.
China Salesman
by 12 Comments
https://youtu.be/wxwlf9ZxMUU
DISCLAIMER: THIS REVIEW IS ONLY OF THE TRAILER.
At last.
Mike Tyson (former World Heavyweight Boxing Champion, Owner of Evander Holyfield’s Right Ear and star of ‘Scary Movie 5’) and Steven Seagal (current World Heavyweight Heavy Weight Champion, Worldwide Ambassador for the Bicoin 2nd Generation Crypto Currency and star of the Lightning Bolt Drink Advert) have finally made a movie together.
That film is ‘China Salesman’. Despite 30 tenacious years of trying (including receiving 3 restriction orders on 3 continents) even Michael Mann couldn’t convince Tyson and Seagal to share screen time. As the world now knows Mann had to admit defeat and plump for second stringers Pacino and De Niro to try and create something approximating the chemistry of Tyson and Seagal. That film was ‘Heat’. That that film failed to come anywhere near to generating the necessary heat of its title that would have been so hot it would have burst into flames that no amount of foam could extinguish if Tyson and Seagal had been on board was nobody’s fault. Although I blame Tom Sizemore. Stupid Tom Sizemore.
However no-one told legendary writer-director Tan Bing (nicknamed Bing Tan) that it couldn’t be done and he is the one man (and knowing Tyson and Seagal the way we do it could only have taken a Real Man. At a push maybe a Killer Shark) who has finally made our wildest and most outrageous cinematic dream come true.
Despite never having made a film before or being able to explain how he became legendary Tan Bing has somehow managed to defy all our expectations and has convinced Tyson and Seagal that this going-to-hell-in-a-Trumpcart world of ours (I still blame Tom Sizemore) desperately needs their massive combined talent committed to celluloid once and for all. We are truly the blessed generation of Direct To Video watchers.
WARNING: SPOILER ALERT 1
As I said in the paragraph 3 paragraphs above this paragraph the film is tantalisingly called ‘China Salesman’. What does that mean? It’s a cryptic title that only really makes sense if you don’t think too hard about it. So I didn’t and now it does. Look below the surface and there are some subtle clues: there is a Chinese actor in the film, Tan Bing sounds like a Chinese name (even if his nickname Bing Tan makes him sound like a US PGA Tour golfer), the producers of the film are Chinese and the film is credited to China. But I could be reading too much into that. It wouldn’t be the first time.
But I think it runs deeper than that. Judging by the trailer it looks like the film’s plot is going to be really very complicated indeed – perhaps reflecting the troubled and complicated times we live in today or perhaps a nod to the fiendishly difficult Chinese Puzzle Box that makes the Rubik’s Cube look like it’s just a cube – and that the film will have some unexpected twists and turns throughout to keep the audience simultaneously guessing and on its toes. Without wishing to give too much away it looks like the plot twists include Big Corporations Behaving Badly, Third World People Being Blown Up By Americans and A Tank Gate-crashing A Conference Meeting. That last one could have been completely OTT and out of keeping with the tone of the film if it had been written and directed by someone less good at directing and writing than the legendary Tan Bing. What a legend.
And if that sequence of events isn’t mind blowing (and mind bending) enough the trailer also suggests that Tyson and Seagal’s characters have a rich and meaningful back story and a long history of mutual animosity in the world of China Sales. This appears to come to a head with a big, head-to-head showdown, stand-up, straight up, no holds barred, all action, face-to-face, full on bitch slapping fist fight that once and for all decides who sold the most Royal Doulton tableware for the 3rd quarter of 2017 and therefore gets to become The China Salesman. Like I said in the paragraph 3 paragraphs above this paragraph the film’s title is cryptic.
WARNING: SPOILER ALERT 2
Despite not seeing the film in its entirety my money’s on the goatee’d Master of Aikido winning this classic fight scene as the trailer gives the game away somewhat by hinting that his character has the power to slow down time during close hand-to-hand combat. Plus Seagal’s character has the added advantage of being able to distract adversaries with silk scarves that hang loosely about his neck over brightly coloured shirts the size of a Berghaus Family Tent. If that’s not enough of a giveaway as to the winner of The Greatest Cinematic Fight Ever Filmed there’s a long shot of him in the trailer around the 36 second mark that clearly suggests he’s just eaten Big Mike having taunted him with the final words “You couldn’t sell Spode to Spaniards you cheap m***af***a”.
But this is all just supposition on my part. Like me you’ll simply have to watch the whole film in all its glory to find out who gets to Exocet the Denby Pottery Factory at the end. And it won’t be Tom Sizemore’s character because he’s not in the film. Ha ha ha.
I for one can’t wait to see the whole film. Can you?
My brain hurts.
I know. It’s that kind of film. Like The Matrix or 16 Candles.
16 Candles? What’s that? The third sequel to the Two Ronnies Fork Handles sketch?
Me poor bonce…
I’ve never heard of Ligtning Bolt, but Seagal seems to be doing a drink advert in this trailer as well.
Thanks for the review, which is outstanding by the way. Now, I won’t need to watch the film.
Dunno about that, Tiggs.
Ol’ Gravybloke could be ‘avin us on..
Nobody on Earth will write more words on this film than you, Bisto. Doesn’t Segal look weird? Like a beach ball that’s been Botoxed and had a paint brush beard stuck on?
His face must hurt more than my head. Look at him. Perhaps that’s why he likes playing blues guitar- for the gurning.
Oh this looks brilliant. Tyson has one word – “Fire!” and nearly forgets it. You can see the panic in his eyes as the effort to speak and hold a microphone at the same time nearly overwhelms him. Segal, playing John Goodman in The Big Lebowski, necks two glasses of plonk and wobbles his bingo wings at Mike in what appears to be a unique cinematic fusion of karate and line dancing.
You know this is going to be a classic action film because someone says “You got a lot of nerve coming here”
And a teddy bear gets hanged for reasons as yet unknown. Go see this movie!
It looks smashing.
Did anybody actually watch this?
I’m still frightened.