The Afterword

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  1. All the money raised by the sale of Hannah’s cakes and Lenny Law’s Penny Jawbreakers went on compensation payments “for the kids trapped under the balls in GCU’s Play Area and lost for days in MC Escher’s maze. And by the time we paid for the damage caused by disgruntled customers of The Disappointment Bob upon discovering that there were no apples in the basin…
    I think it’s fair to say we’re not outdoor people, and it would be playing to our strengths to stick to the online shop, and simply come up with new AW merchandise to accompany our many and varied Afterword t shirts.
    Undaunted by being laughed off Dragon’s Den, our own Andielou has begun manufacture of the ‘Andy Loo – a plastic bowler-style hat which – in an emergency – doubles as a portable toilet which, let’s be honest, will appeal to our demographic of geriatric incontinents who are far more concerned about their unreliable bladders than they are about looking daft in public.
    Still pending approval is Ivan’s Television Detector Van Detector Van service. This is a van with an enormous eye on the roof which looks out for Television Detector Vans. Doubts have been expressed about this product, as it has been pointed out that having this van parked outside one’s house merely draws the authorities’ attention to the fact that there is an unlicensed television inside.
    And on the subject of television, our proposed TV pilot Gatzlife – the reality show where AW stalwart Gatz shares a flat with Esther Rantzen remains in development hell because of the exorbitant fee Phil Daniels is demanding to sing the theme tune.
    Shiny new Edit Functions don’t come cheap – if you have ideas for Afterword merch, please post them below..

  5. Pencil Squeezers.
    Ama**n and their ilk refer to these as Pen Holders. You know, those springy metal clips to hold pens or pencils (securely, with no chance of escape) in your top pocket, but we cognoscenti are fully aware of their correct nomenclature.
    There are single and triple versions currently available. For the super-nerd market Afterword Retail Shopping Enterprises™ could offer a Quintuple Pencil Squeezer in bright dazzling swirly colours. Tenner a pop.

  9. the rob c flounce app posts a slightly different flounce announce across all social media at the touch of a button! also automatically changes online handle allowing rapid re-entry.

    the disappointment bob dreamcatcher ensures a sleep slightly troubled by vague feelings of unfocussed regret. comes in grey or off-white.

    beany headphones are filled with cement and unconnected to any music-related device, allowing full enjoyment of his record collection.

    the tigger signature cardigan is just that.

    • Oi! I have a friend working in Pattaya for the next 9 months. She is in possession of a mysterious and mystic box containing the finest Beany compilation CDs known to man and beast. One word from me and she will steal her way to your love nest in the dead of night and slip it through your letterbox. I have the power.

  10. Introducing new CHIZ, the sensational cheese substitute from United Polymers. Vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, allergen-free and flavour neutral, CHIZ is the perfect alternative for people who blame food for their vague sense of psychological unease.

    BORED with wasting your GP’s time with made-up intolerances? FED UP with blaming shopkeepers for little Johnny’s problems at school? New CHIZ is available in two self-esteem-enhancing flavours, You Do Realise I’m a Chizzist, Don’t You? and I Was Into Chiz Before Even Gwyneth.

    CHIZ Recipe Tips:
    1. Buy some Kraft Singles. You may need to go to one of the poor people’s supermarkets for this. Keep a Waitress Bag for Life in the Audi just in case.

    2. Remove the wrapper

    3. Responsibly dispose of the harmful plastic

    4. Eat the wrapper.

    CAUTION: May induce smugness. If symptoms persist, comfort-eat doughnuts until self-loathing returns.

  12. @beany – you “have a friend working in pattaya”. hmm. sure you do. you send her money every month and she swears she stays home at nights. anyway, your “friend” will have to crawl hundreds of miles to deliver your cd, and it will be used as a bird scarer because i have nothing to play cds on.

  13. I suggest we develop our own line of decorative trays featuring our deft wordplay. Perfect for serving G&Ts made with poncey gin, artisanal tonic and Evian ice cubes.

  14. A flat pack construction similar to a pub sign, which you can erect somewhere visible to passers-by, into which you can slot an LP sleeve, to show passing civilians what vinyl – naturally – LP you are currently listening to.

    • A red triangular plastic codpiece emblazoned with The Afterword’s trademark gramophone with its horn standing proud, you say?
      We’ll certainly sell those. But for the ladies..?

    • I’m currently working on a new VanDriver app, which replaces old-school SatNav (SatVan?). It works particularly well in East Belfast…

      ‘Cyrus Avenue, Cyprus Avenue, turn left by the guy cleanin’ windows, onto Hyndford Street, past Davy’s Chipper an’ Fusco’s Ice Cream, onto Connswater, in the garden, in the garden – NO, NOT INTO THAY GUY’S GARDEN YOU IDIOT! – take a right, take a right, by the Kingdom Hall, hearin’ Mahalia Jackson comin’ through the ether – no, don’t even think about the Streets Of Arklow, that’s miles away ya turnip – down by Avalon, down by Avalon, er, yeah, past the lake wi’ the sword stickin’ outta the water, down to Drumshabo, Drumshanbo, but watch out for those guys from the ’60s, they’ll rip you off, rip you off… Why? It ain’t whywhy, it just is, it just is…’ [continues add infinitum, down to Coney Island and then a swim across the Irish Sea to Kendal, for Wordsworth an’ Coleridge et al…]

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