I’ve recently noticed that The Afterword remains remarkably free of those fascinating news stories often tucked away in mainstream media, possibly deemed unworthy of the attention of their news hungry readers. This must change. The site has to bring itself into the 21st century and embrace the new.
In a bout of sheer selflessness I have taken it upon myself to kickstart (hey!) this initiative and invite you all to come to the party – if you can temporarily drag yourselves away from Mail Online.
The guidelines are simple. I am the Managing Editor and no one questions anything I say, write or do. You lot are a combination of a few underpaid subs and a substantial number of interns (unpaid, of course). I have given much thought (clickbait generator, Moi? Heaven forefend) to the article titles suggested below and it is your job to flesh them out. Cut ‘n Paste any one or more that appeals and articulate with meaningful, objective copy. Too hard? ‘kay. Define your own title (if you think you can do better) and Phil Space is your uncle.
Your endeavour will not go unreward. Prizes for the best news items selected in closed conference by me include: a signed copy of the evergreen, multi-platinum No Parlez; The Band of The Royal Dragoon Guards Play The Classic Hits of 1971; Rod’s Atlantic Crossing; K-Tel Modern Dance and the fabulous Ronco Chart Runners, to name just a few. Now, if that doesn’t whet your appetite what will?
Without further faff, to the headlines:
What the government doesn’t want you to know about Fairport Convention.
Well If It Isn’t Harry Styles, I Can’t Even IMAGINE Who He Is
What Could Possibly Even Happen to Kate Bush. My Goodness?!
Horrific! Terrible! My Word! This Is A Reunion No One Would Have Expected.
33 heartbreaking tracks to listen to just before death
The Tragic transformations of 15 of the worlds greatest pop stars
Scientists say giant recording desk could hit Earth next week causing mass devastation
When you read these 19 Shocking Smiths facts you will never want to enter a Moshpit again
Afterworders will be Stunned by this affordable £987.50 super edition box set
First he listened to the classic album Into The Grave, but it was his next 4 album choices that really turned his life around!
Will you have enough CD’s and albums to Retire on? We show you 6 ways how not to run out of music in your retirement.
11 emojis that will upset a DeadHead.
9 Reasons why Donald Trump is TERRIFIED of Gerry Rafferty
You will not believe what this woman did behind a Ford Transit at a local record fair car boot! No, don’t look.
Why you should give up sex and devote your life to Lead Guitarists
RELIVE THE KRANKIES GREATEST MOMENTS IN OUR GALLERY (Don’t cry when you see picture 7!)
This is a goldmine
http://www.contentrow.com/tools/link-bait-title-generator
“The Rise of Vinyl and How To Make It Stop!”
“Why you should give up sex and devote your life to crumhorn”
“101 unusual uses of Fred Durst”
“9 reasons you can blame the recession on The Lurkers”
…help me…
What Jeff Lynne looks like today is INSANE
Richard Thompson’s new beret will drop your jaw
Lennon TRASHES Sir Paul in no-holds-barred recently-discovered song
Paunch Wars! Fists fly as sedentary middle-aged men are let loose on the latest political development. And each other!
15 pithy Frank Zappa quotes that will leave you screaming at the top of your voice.
At the bus station with Mark E Smith – you won’t believe what he has in his pocket!
He’s not wrong about no. 1:
http://i1350.photobucket.com/albums/p773/minibreakfast/hipster-dog-jean-jacket-sunglasses-starbucks_zps6ovzdubp.jpg
Rafferty Lives!
Ruff-erty!
DISCOVERED! New Beatles Tape found in vaults of Abbey Road
(its actually a copy of a copy of a studio conversation between takes of Yellow Submarine, but is BIG NEWS)
Freddie Garrity – He’s telling us now: “My Drink and Drugs Hell”
John Miles – What was his first love (and will it be his last?)
Mr Digit, The Editor has asked me to convey his admiration of your John Miles contribution and adds that you are currently a strong contender for ‘No Parlez’! Well done.
Jimmy Page Says He’s Working On New Album With New Songs With Guitar And Contemporay Sounds – To Be Released Soon (As Soon As He Finishes The Next Most Recent Zep Thing And A Photo Book He’s Currently Working On That Captures The Essence Of Zep And Will Be Released In Eight Copies and OMG IS THAT BRITNEY’S TITTIES????)
Revealed: Theresa May’s Captain Beefheart Shame.
Sun Ra’s Secret Diary: Space Was Never Actually the Place.
Liam Gallagher strings together a coherent sentence – see the amazing video NOW
Is the answer “Who the fucking hell are Slipknot?”
Re: Pope/Bono.
Is the answer “F*** off, b******s, you’re a c***,” by any chance?
Scientists say giant recording desk could hit Earth next week causing mass devastation: Cambridge based audio designer demands to know if it is analog or digital.
Rupert Holmes: “I’ve always hated Pina Coladas”
“I was trapped in an attic for 35 years because of writer’s block” says Adrian Gurvitz.
@davebigpicture
Have an up for your Adrian Gurvitz!
Mr Picture, The editor acknowledges your ‘audio designer’ observation and adds, ‘How very Afterword’. Rod’s Atlantic Crossing has your name on it at this early stage. Good work!
How many channels is it? I need to know whether I need to duck.
It’s a 64 channel Midas. You know that bit in The Wizard of Oz where the house falls on the witch……?
Steve Howe’s Botox Surgeon Resigns! Full Story
You won’t believe what Meat Loaf has refused to do for his new lover.
Every Frankee hit ranked from worst to best.
Your Mellotron may be giving you cancer
Born between 1940 and 1960? You’re too f888ing self-righteous, according to our survey
What Bella Emberg looks like now left us speechless
The secrets that the cast of Jamie & The Magic Torch were hiding
What was found in Hitlers fridge?
The way to San Jose – you won’t believe the answer!
The person responsible for putting the bomp in the bomp de bomp de bomp – it might be your secret lover
10 reasons why you should give up sex and devote your life to gun ownership.
Bob Dylan keeps touring by using this one weird old trick…
7 reasons why you should give up sex and devote your life to Barenaked Ladies.
99 problems Jay Z has. You won’t believe what isn’t on the list!
Fourteen seconds of previously unknown John Cage cover discovered towards the end of Abbey Road. Listen now!
Revealed! The cure for cancer that the Government doesn’t want you to know about.
Revealed: Richard Thompson’s 6 Favourite Ledges To Meet Upon.
Have an Up Mike! That made me chuckle,
This thread is more full of gems than the Crown Jewels
Alvin Lee Still Hasn’t Got Home. Here’s why.
“Bored with the gym? Why jousting is the ultimate workout.”
Not really a response to the OP, not Afterwordy enough- but a real headline from today’s Grauniad.
Let’s to the stables m’lads (and m’lasses) perchance to find some handsome steeds!
I think anyone who’s watched the first couple of episodes of series 1 of Game of Thrones might find jousting a bit daunting. It might be a good workout, but the possibility of the lance splitting and four foot of jagged wood being driven through your neck would certainly give me pause.
Plus, some bloke might get the hump and behead his own horse.
Want to feel old? Here’s what Hanson look like now!
Mmmm-bath?
(This picture made me do a proper chuckle this morning, cheers for that Bob).
OMG PSB vs PSB in acronym shootout.
Only one can win.
No-one wins. Because PSB isn’t an acronym.
I’ll kill that sub, Initialism then
PSB pronounced Peesebee.
Ha ha that’s fair enough then!
Lose pounds in the record shop, by following this weird tip.
(link sponsored by Fopp).
Not flesh nor fish nor bone – prog sons and dads go for the new Squonk diet.
He knows what he likes in your wardrobe, but what do you like and where?
The Hepworth Sex Tape! All the details you need!
12 landfill indie bands you must stop listening to right now!
Doctors don’t want you to know about about this amazing way to guarantee rapid hearing loss!
He plays a Steely Dan record to his date – you won’t believe what happens next!
Your dating horror stories!
“She thought Steve Gadd was a footballer!”
“My date fell asleep in the 43rd minute of my anecdote about Dylan at the Manchester Free Trade Hall! Judy!”
“My patient explanation of why her taste in music is crap fell on deaf ears!”
10 Afterworders to avoid to reduce belly fat.
Read what Terrence Trent Derbys 7th testicle has to say on the other 6, tight trousers and what ‘If You Let Me Stay’ was actually about. Gonad exclusive!!!
The Editor has just said ‘OMG! I am STUNNED!! This is amazing, I can hardly …….,’ and adds you are down for the rare, elusive, but totemic The Band of The Royal Dragoon Guards Play The Classic Hits of 1971 80’s stylee remix – think Pelican Vest, Brothers on Farms, Either Fish nor Creche by that self absorbed bloke in the dreadlocks. Excellent work.
Harmonica maintenance tips with Van Morrison!
Sandwich making with the Sex Pistols!
10 of the best dwarf-hire firms, tried and tested by Freddie Mercury!
NASA receives long-awaited answer from outer space – first successful intergalactic CD swap will shock you! Buy it from iTunes here
Your dance moves could be early sign of cancer!
How our favourite songs lied to us: Not Everyone’s A Winner, The Winner Doesn’t Always Take It All, You Can’t Do Magic, Everything The Do Probably Isn’t For You, You’ll Often Walk Alone and You Cannot Call Me Al
FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS: We made the rocking world go round, but at what cost?
GERRY RAFFERTY SHOCK!
You won’t BELIEVE what the Baker Street hitmaker looks like now!