A colleague has just asked me what my superpower is.
We’ve all heard the old trope that blind people can hear better. Sickle cell anaemia makes you immune to malaria. Cystic fibrosis gives you immune to tuberculosis.
I have Crohn’s and can clear a room by talking about music. Mrs F is a shortarse and can swear fluently in five languages, including Japanese. I’m not sure that’s what he was after.
What’s yours?
“gives you immunity to”.
Where’s Edith gone?
You cannae Edith an OP, true that.
My super power is the ability to make everyone in the room wonder who just farted
My super power is the ability to make everyone in the room wonder who wrote the book of love.
I can open a new packet of paracetamol at the non-leaflet end first time, every time.
I am in awe. Seriously.
Impressive.
As I don’t have that power, it is absolutely necessary for me to buy Nurafen by the jar-thing, though having to open the seal with a knife does cause difficulty on occasion…
Ummmm . . . That end is almost always the end with more prominent lettering . . . sorry.
Great example of the use of the word “almost” to render a sentence entirely pointless!
OK, I have never seen a packet for which that was not true but such things might exist.
Even Google’s AI can’t figure that one out. Awestruck!
My superpower is to make cables tangle, just by removing the LX tape from them.
I have that one, too.
The BBC taught me how to stop it, but I’ve never been able to repeat it.
Fibre optic HDMI cable is even worse!
I can make sparks fly from old stereo gear.
Last month my wife swears the bed levitated…
When I stubbed my toe on it……her laughter somehow eased the pain
I can peel an orange one-handed and keep the peel all in one piece. I can’t tell you how often this power has proved life-saving.
I can eat a jam doughnut in 3 bites without licking my lips
(is that a superpower, or am I just a greedy b*stard?)
I can melt ice just by staring at it
normally takes 2 or 3 hours for full melty effect
I can take it to the bridge.
I can take it to the fridge!
But can you then bring it home?
No, that’s Ma Bisto’s superpower
I can spend a colossal amount on LPs, CDs & DVDs every month and not have the change left for a half of cider*
A half of cider only costs £1 at my local.
I can spend a collosal amount on CDs every month, then spend a small amount on beer* drink the beer and then spend an even more gargantuan amount on CDs, every month without fail.
*current favourite failing is Proper Job, from St. Austell.
I can look at all the CDs in my study and still moan that “I’ve got nothing to play”
I feel you, brother.
Get a room, you two!
…one with loads of shelves!
I’m fluent in Swedish.
(Yes, I’m Swedish, but still.)
I can correct other people’s grammar mistakes (but, annoyingly, not my own).
I think you’ll find that should be mistake’s
A. Grocer.
I can play nice if it’s really necessary.
But you draw the line at ELP?
Oho!
Arf. I’ve been known to arch my back rather stiffly in my Chesterfield if To The Power of 3 is put on the gramophone.
I can pass a snarky remark about any statement, first time, every time.
I could bring about world peace and solve world hunger, but a new Porcupine Tree CD / Blu-Ray has just arrived from Mr Amazon, so I really can’t be bothered…….
I can get those stickers off the top of American CD cases without swearing.*
*I can’t.
In a similar vein I can remove the cover CD from monthly music mags without tearing the cover.*
* F*ck no.
I can quit anytime.
I just don’t want to, yet.
I can get nearly all the Percy Pigs, from a bag of Percy Pigs, in my mouth at the same time.
Respect !
I can kill a thread with just one post.
Fibber.
Getting the wrong end of sticks.
Being able to make myself laugh by thinking of as many words and phrases for ‘farting’ as I can. I think my favourite is ‘blow off’. I also find my own farts really funny.
Tragic, I know.
Farting IS funny.
It just is.
A finely placed trump, flabby-woof-woof, or a simple guff can bring hilarity to any social situation
Better out than in. I find libraries to be a particularly fine location for a loud trouser cough.
The amazing thing about farts is the variety of sounds. It’s like being a human DX7.
More like a Moog I think, DX7s don’t sound dirty enough.
Most Afterworders would probably favour a Mellotron… or maybe a Stylophone.
Mine must sound like the parps of John Coltrane, because Mr B described them as “sheets of sound”.
At least I think that’s what he said.
Miles Davis used to blow off in a silent way.
Mine are more of a bitches brew.
So What?
I’ve farted in Hastings, and I’ve trumped in Brighton,
I’ve followed through in Eastbourne too
But I’ve never been to wee
She’s been Workin’ and Steamin’ , now she’s Relaxin’.
I’m Openin’ (a window)
Tutu? PuPu more like it.
I was wondering where that honk was coming from.
The Birth of the Poo
Memory, I can guide you through a librairy or a record shop by phone, to find a book or a record and tell you where to search in a book for a quote.
I can spell