If your quirky local news item involves pigs, there must be a shot of a pig snuffling it’s nose directly onto the camera lens.
Any item involving groups of children must have them all shouting something at the end in unison, with the presenter in the middle showing good-natured dismay at this spontaneous act of youthful enthusiasm.
Any TV show that claims to be created by children must have a spelling mistake in the title and/or one of the letters the wrong way round.
Anybody that lies on a TV drama must look like they are lying – eyes darting, hesitating, frowning – whereas in real life, lying is done convincingly.
That’s my lot for now until I think of some more. If you have any further ones, I’ll be interested in them.
moseleymoles says
Casualty was brilliant for this. Going up a step-ladder with a hedge strimmer? Something unfortunate is bound to ensue.
All detectives must duck under the crime tape when attending a crime scene.
When they remember a crucial clue they overlooked in the victim’s flat they must cut through or rip off said crime tape over the door. Just to show they’re a maverick cop following a hunch rather than official procedures.
Gatz says
And in detective shows any artisan, a watchmaker say, or a cobbler, must under no circumstances stop what they are doing to give their full attention to the detective asking them for information. They must carry on working as if a murder investigation is a trivial distraction until they have a crucial new piece of information to convey.
Carl says
Also anyone in a domestic situation – people will carry on with housework, cooking, repairing the car etc and not stop to give their full attention to the far less serious matter of helping a murder investigation.
Twang says
…. eventually saying “I’m too busy for this” and walking off, where in reality they’d be standing to attention and keeping their noses clean.
dai says
In Midsomer murders, as the body count increases at e.g. a garden fete, the fete continues nevertheless as if nothing much has happened
hubert rawlinson says
I’m surprised anybody decides to live in the area as the body count is so high, I suppose that house prices must be cheap due to so many houses coming on the market after the latest death or several.
I suppose the problem is calling it Midsomer Murders you can’t just have one murder there must be at least two, the clue is in the name.
“Oh what have we got today?”
It’s a case of embezzlement at Midsomer bank”
“What not a murder, I am disappoint”
Jaygee says
The reason John nettle’s successor in Midsommer was his cousin is that the show is called Inspector Banaby in non- English speaking markets
slotbadger says
In Casualty, a family reversing out of their driveway, dad shouting at kids in back seat to be quiet etc, weren’t going to make it home in one piece.
dai says
All detectives must have a quirky surname, a weird hobby of some sort and a partner who is either the opposite sex or much younger.
moseleymoles says
For those who have not seen it Touch of Cloth by Charlie Brooker is a quite brilliant send-up of every one of these detective rules and many more. I need to rewatch these.
Tiggerlion says
I’ve just watched Ludwig with David Mitchell being David Mitchell. It’s mildly entertaining and includes all of these tropes. However, the chief inspector refuses to limbo under the tape at the crime scene and has it pulled aside instead.
hubert rawlinson says
Ah but his sidekick stepped over the dead body in the first episode, I thought that was a no no.
Gatz says
My other half was so furious about how cavalier they were about contaminating the crime scene that she refused to watch any further. It was hardly the greatest test of verisimilitude in Ludwig, but I saw her point.
hubert rawlinson says
David Mitchell is playing twin brothers, I’m always surprised when an actor is playing two parts as twins that they are completely identical including hair cut and even down to the exact salt n pepper of the beard.
Rigid Digit says
But one wears glasses
hubert rawlinson says
Then why don’t they react to that he’s suddenly wearing glasses, it’s like when Clark Kent takes off the glasses and becomes Superman.
Mike_H says
Doesn’t he remark at some point what a pain it is being unable to see properly, because he can’t wear his glasses at the police station? And I found it amusing that the first time he’s at a murder scene he doesn’t know whether to go over or under the crime scene tape.
I don’t really understand why people get uptight about verisimilitude, in what is at least partially a spoof of the crime/cop drama genre.
hubert rawlinson says
Don’t worry I know to suspend disbelief I’m not really annoyed. I’d forgotten the glasses bit, wasn’t there some contact lenses involved?
Tiggerlion says
It is meant to be a comedy, isn’t it?
Leffe Gin says
It’s certainly worth watching to see Anna Maxwell Martin positively fuming at her agent for getting her into this mess…
Jaygee says
Is it really bad?
While disinclined to watch it because I find shows like Monk and Professor T teeth-grindingly irritating, got a lot of time for DM so have it recorded.
Sounds like I should give it a miss
Wish he and RW would do another series of Back which I really liked
Sewer Robot says
Great news on that front, J. There’s an American remake of Back on the way. Hurrah!
Jaygee says
@Sewer-Robot
We’re apparently getting our own back by doing a UK version of Cheers.
Don’t know why they can’t just re-run Early Doors – an excellent show which seems to have passed a lot of people by.
Ill-advised/Woeful US remarkss of perfectly acceptable oversees shows would be an excellent idea for a thread.
The Aussies seem to get it far worse than we do – Aside from their titles, the creatives behind the US versions of Rake and Wilfred seem to have surgically removed everything that made tho original Aussie shows worth watching.
fentonsteve says
Early Doors is on the iPlayer for at least a year.
Twang says
We quite enjoyed it but AMM is always good.
NigelT says
It is fine, but I guess it depends what you like. A gentle, funny and original idea, and totally unbelievable, but that obviously isn’t the point. We liked it enough to binge it on iPlayer.
Timbar says
I particularly liked the music, which played around with Beethoven motifs. The first episode used Fur Elise & the 7th symphony, while the second one used the 5th symphony.
Lodestone of Wrongness says
Every single crime series must have a Board or Wall with threads connecting pictures, paper clippings etc. The hero must stand in front of it for hours before marching across the room to announce “I knew it!”. It’s the Law.
Carl says
These boards are always completed by the police officers and never by the civilian crime analysts who would do it (or used to – with cuts over recent years many have been made redundant).
Jaygee says
It used to be that while many characters went to the clinic to have a pregnancy terminated, no-one with the exception of very bad people went ahead and had an abortion.
dai says
All secret pregnancy tests are discarded openly in the nearest bin for parents or siblings to easily find (the positive ones)
Sewer Robot says
Yes! I was on a bus recently and there was a discarded pregnancy test on the floor. After I got past my first thought and dismissed it, I realised that chucking it away thus (or preferably in an actual bin) outside the home is the only sensible action. Yet, time and again on tv, once the task is performed, said accessory is deposited in the domestic pedal bin, right at the top..
Gatz says
When a non-TV person is interviewed by a TV person they lose the ability to say the word ‘Yes’ and must reply ‘Absolutely!’ instead. As so often I’m watching Bargain Hunt after my lunch time walk and the curators of locals museums are particularly bad for this. I sometimes place a small bet with myself on how many times they will say it.
‘This is very much a local tradition, isn’t it.’
‘Absolutely!’
‘And it wasn’t just the men who made these, was it?’
‘Absolutely!’
‘Is it being carried on today?’
‘Absolutely!’
Honestly, if you have never noticed this look out for it the next time you are watching some undemanding programme.
dai says
Absolutely!
fentonsteve says
One hundred percent!
Rigid Digit says
One hundred and ten per cent!
Jaygee says
A million percent.
My dead nan would expect nothing less
mikethep says
On a similar note, whenever an Aussie politician is asked a question he or she must kick off the answer with “Look…” It’s the law.
dai says
Or sports person
pawsforthought says
“yeah, like I was saying…”
Sitheref2409 says
“Aww, look…”
Didn’t Hepworth make this observation about Aussie cricketers and how they do interviews in one of the podcasts?
Rigid Digit says
Whenever there is a presenter handover, the incoming presenter must say “many thanks” In a non- committed but upbeat manner
Twang says
During Brexit every vox pop had to be semi pissed 80 year olds at lunch time in a pub in the North shouting about leave means leave.
Twang says
No computer security can’t be defeated by typing at tremendous speed for approximately 20 seconds. Phones and laptops never have any form of security enabled.
Gatz says
And the status bar showing that access has been granted or dodgy information is being downloaded must fill the computer screen.
Rigid Digit says
You won’t succeed on a Talent Show unless you have a back-story.
Innate talent, ability and competence is not enough -without a tale of woe or succesive failings, your journey may come to an end.
And when you leave “the process”, you must always say “Thank you for the opportunity”
Jaygee says
Amazing insight, @Rigid-Digit
With you one million percent
paulwright says
My wife’s family lived in Saudi decades ago.
The tv station showed Gentlemen prefer Blondes. Apparently it lasted 20 minutes and Marilyn Munroe wasn’t in it. At all.
Carl says
If singing is involved, a competent performance will receive the comment “you made that song your own”, when generally it’s no more than a decent facsimile of the original.
Mike_H says
You won’t even GET onto a talent show unless you have a back (preferably sob) story.
Bamber says
No true artist can complete their “journey”, without the fuel of a tragic backstory.
Jaygee says
Not even if their the hope of completing that journey “means literally everything” to them
Uncle Wheaty says
It is also probably their ‘ultimate experience’….until the next one.
Black Celebration says
I saw one a few years ago where the singer’s father had recently died and the emotional back story saw the singer through to the next round. In the next one, the singer bookends the performance with tributes and family members are in the audience in tears. In the next one the singer is wearing a T shirt with his father’s photo on it and now there about 20 family members are all wearing the same T-shirt design and homemade signs and helium balloons. I thought “FFS this lot are really milking this…”.
Jaygee says
Amazed they didn’t give other audience members little packages containing a sprinkle of Dead Dad’s ashes like the family at Jade’s Goodie’s funeral did – “Goody bags” I believe they were called
Leedsboy says
No one ever fills a drinking vessel with drink unless its an alcoholic one.
Everyone drives with their windows open. And park anywhere (becasue there are spaces)
Phone calls happen instantly. No waiting around for a connection or for someone to answer.
Jaygee says
Rich people with huge, luxurious apartments never have curtains or blinds on their windows
Despite the infinitesimal chance of their prey ever answering, hacks door-stopping controversial politicians or disgraced celebs always yell out questions such as “did you really have carnal relations with your neighbour’s dog, minister?”
Diddley Farquar says
Unless it’s scandi-noir in which case it’s normal not to have any curtains, and live in semi-darkness and be good looking and cool. Not much smiling either, no unnecessary chat.
Rigid Digit says
There’s no coffee in those cups. The Detective is given a just bought cup of hot brown stuff and then swigs it down. Do all police bods have asbestos throats?
Hamlet says
The Empty Cup Awards:
Twang says
Red wine is always poured veeeery slowly. White wine is splashed in and gulped immediately. Vodka is always in the freezer. Beers are always uncapped and poured down the moment the character gets home.
Leedsboy says
That’s pretty much the rules I abide by…
dai says
Recovering alcoholics in pubs always drink orange juice
Carl says
When someone has to switch on a TV to catch a breaking story, they are always on a news programme and come in right in the middle of the particular story and not in the middle of economic news, human interest bollocks etc.
Gatz says
The hero catches a glimpse of the news in a crowded, noisy bar. ‘Hey, turn that up would ya?’ The bartender does so (without saying a word) and the whole bar falls silent. There may be the final rattle of some pool balls to emphasise the hush as the whole room turns to the TV. This is also the only time at which bars are noisy. In every other depiction bars and nightclubs are so quiet that characters can carry out conversations at normal volume.
Twang says
Moving house always requires only two suitcases which don’t appear to weigh anything.
Leedsboy says
And shopping bags don’t weigh anything eiter.
Diddley Farquar says
Car drivers have a remarkable ability to not look straight ahead for long periods of time while instead focusing on the passenger beside them who they are chatting away to. And yet they don’t crash.
Rigid Digit says
More in the 50s/60s but drivers would always be slightly moving the wheel left and right whilst contingent on arrow straight.
Has suspension and rack & pinion technology moved on that much that there is no longer any slack in the steering
Sewer Robot says
Once, someone thought it was cool for a character to blithely step out onto the road and be instantly whacked off the screen by speeding vehicle. This was both a useful lesson to the post Green Cross generation and looked pretty cool.
Unfortunately this trick has now been done to death and the number of people being mowed down by lazy writers can only be explained by the number of characters in universe who are prepared to drive while only occasionally looking at the road..
Black Celebration says
Yes – this has become a jump-scare moment in many TV dramas now.
Munster says
TV newsreaders must always match their facial expressions with the news story, ignoring how ridiculous they look. “In football, England made it through to the…” (broad smile); switching to “In Gaza…” (deeply pained look); and concluding with “A poodle in Southampton ….” (extra big smile).
Carl says
Don’t mention good news royal stories – a birth or a wedding etc – the shit eating grin that almost stops them from speaking.
chiz says
Incoming bullets can only hit the hero in the shoulder, or the fleshy part of the midriff where there’s no organs. Stabbings are generally in the thigh. The pain and trauma of these injuries, as well as broken bones, concussion, glass shards in the eyes and torn muscles, can debilitate the good guys for up to 30 seconds in extreme cases, after which they’re free to run around quipping again.
Villains are never dead the first time.
Jaygee says
@Chiz
While they may have had the shit kicked out of them and been wounded by guns and knives, heroes never show any signs of physical damage except for a slight graze.
The only time they ever show any sign of discomfort is when they visibly recoil the moment their wife/GF attempts to cleanse said wound with a dab of alcohol
Bad guys always die with their eyes open.
Should a hero’s sidekick die with his eyes open, the hero will tenderly
lower their eyelids and shut them
Twang says
Also once the baddy is on the ground they never make sure they say there by giving them a good shoeing or tying them up, they ruin off so the baddy can get up and run after them.
Also when catastrophe strikes the TV should always be switched off mid reporting rather than seeing what’s actually happening by watching the remaining 40 seconds.
Leedsboy says
All guns are remarkably accurate in the hands of good guys (no need to use the sight) whereas bad buys will only shoot people properly if they are a sniper,
Mike_H says
Dunno about that. I seem to recall that in “The A Team” there were always thousands of bullets flying, from all sides, but you never saw anyone get hit by one.
Timbar says
In a hail of bullets, our lead cop is uninjured, but his partner has a gut shot, that’s only revealed as they drive away “Stay with me Frank, we’ll get you to the hospital” (see below)
Sitheref2409 says
Brookmyre fans might remember discourse on this by one his characters, Ally McQuade, in One Fine Day in the Middle of the Night.
““An action film establishes its own rules of gunplay. In some, every bullet is potentially lethal — even the old shot to the shoulder can look worryingly near to the upper-chest area. But in others, machine guns can seem the least deadly weapon known to man. To illustrate, at one end of the spectrum there’s your Tarantino movies: reputations aside, there’s not that much gunplay, so when somebody lets off a shot, it’s for real, and it’s usually fatal. High bullet-deadliness quotient. At the other end, there’s your John Woo movies: zillions of rounds goin’ off an’ the only thing they ever hit is glass. Low bullet-deadliness quotient. In a high BDQ film, if the baddie draws a bead on somebody, get ready for ketchup. In a low BDQ film, that’s just a bad day for the janitor. And both types are fine by me, as long as the rules are followed consistently.”
“But you can’t establish a high BDQ and then have a low-BDQ showdown at the end, that’s what you’re saying?”
“That’s what I’m saying. And you cannae establish a low BDQ then have the hero take oot the baddie wi’ wan shot while the air round about him fills up wi’ lead.”
“I agree. So, as you’ve got a term for everything else, what do you call it when that happens?”
“I call it a Renny Harlin film, usually. Worst fuckin’ action director — excuse the swearies —”
tkdmart says
No detective can solve a crime without visiting a strip joint.
Boneshaker says
When a scriptwriter on some cut-price drama can’t think of a way to end a scene, one character will always leave the room while the other character asks ‘where are you going?’
Nobody can be accepted onto The Repair Shop to have a cherished item renovated unless a close relative has recently died.
Every antiques programme must include an ‘expert’ dressed in fluorescent trousers with a pair of comedy glasses.
Twang says
Everyone in “Strictly” must be bright orange coloured.
dai says
There have to be tears when they pick up the repair
salwarpe says
They should sack the seamstresses and the painting restorers.
mikethep says
Why? They seem like perfectly harmless ladies.
salwarpe says
I thought their job was to mend the tears
RedLemon says
Ho ho. 🙂
Black Celebration says
I watched that show last night. I wondered if they have ever completely, utterly buggered up a repair and gone “oh shit…SHIT! “ and looked on in horror at the hopeless mess with head-in-hands.
NigelT says
RedLemon says
The staff are obliged to comment how much fun they had repairing the worthless trinket they’ve wasted their skills restoring.
if that item is a kids bike or pedal car they “can’t wait” to have a go on it when it’s finished wearing some ludicrously unnecessary crash helmet.
salwarpe says
The Repair Shop – ‘wasting our skills restoring your worthless trinkets to harvest cheap emotion’
It’s a great slogan.
pawsforthought says
At the end of the repair shop the continuity announcer always says “if you have a well loved or treasured possession that’s seen better days then you should contact the repair shop.” Mrs. Paws is usually looking at me by the time he gets to “seen better days.”
Milkybarnick says
In school dramas, the bell always goes when the teacher is mid-sentence, yet the whole class is seemingly ready to run out at that exact point.
chiz says
I’ve always assumed this is actually what happens in US High schools because it’s so common in movies
dai says
I think it is the case that when the bell goes that’s it. Unlike the UK where you had to wait for the teacher to dismiss you (in my day anyway)
Gatz says
Flashback to real life, not TV, teachers shouting, ‘The bell is a signal for me not for you!’
Timbar says
A detective entering the squad room will ask the others for quiet & to “listen up” even though everyone is silent.
Likewise, their boss will say to the maverick detective “My office. Now”
Increasingly the lead detectives are women, having to face the prejudice of the male senior officers, apart from their sympathetic boss, who is about to retire (“it’s all so different now”)
Or the senior officer is female, but acts harder than the men – and still has a bottle of whisky in the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet.
Captain Darling says
Most murders (especially in films) can only be solved by the Maverick Cop Who Gets the Job Done Despite the Boss/City Hall Getting in the Way. In real life, of course, murder squads involve the dedicated teamwork of dozens of experts in different fields. Michael Mann’s brilliant Manhunter is one of the exceptions where the backroom people are given their due: forensics wizards, handwriting analysts, etc.
If somebody phones our hero and says “Turn on Channel 1 now!”, the hero will do so immediately and hear a newsreader begin saying the bit of information that’s vital to the plot. No hero ever says “I’ll do it in a minute” or “No, I’m done with TV, thank you very much, I’m settling down with a good book.”
Few people on screen have extensive music collections that they have lovingly built up over many years, and even fewer are seen playing an album and just sitting and listening to it (you know, like us normal people). If they do have a pile of vinly/CDs, and if they are seen putting their collection in any sort of order (alphabetical or otherwise), they are obviously a NERD and deserving of pity!
If you are in a chase and your gun runs out of bullets, it’s perfectly OK to drop it and keep running. Nobody ever says “I paid hundreds/thousands of pounds/dollars for that lethal weapon, and I can always buy more bullets, so I should probably hold onto it rather than leaving it when any passing urchin could pick it up and get up to shenanigans.”
Every on-screen prison (except for Slade Prison) is hell on earth, where any even slightly normal person is in mortal danger 24 hours a day. Nobody is just quietly doing their time and maybe enjoying some rehabilitation courses.
All cars, regardless of the year or country and whether you’ve ever seen that model before, can be stolen by ripping off the housing beneath the wheel with your bare hands and tying any two wires together.
No plain or ugly people are allowed to appear in a US sitcom (and in quite a few dramas before our current golden age), unless it’s for comic relief.
dai says
No when bullets run out the gun is hurled at the bad guy
JQW says
Every science documentary must copy a scene from ‘Koyaanisqatsi’ – usually either it’s sped up footage of people milling around a railway station, or a view of skyscrapers taken from above.
Black Celebration says
Jean Michel-Jarre makes a good living from providing the soundtrack to such scenes.
Leffe Gin says
Also any science documentary about human behaviour or mental illness: “the answer lies… in the amygdala”
fentonsteve says
Cops: at night, when entering a building where a criminal might be lurking, never switch on the lights or check behind doors. That way they get to give you a good wallop, which won’t hurt.
Captain Darling says
If you think a criminal is in your house, never turn on all the lights and make us as much noise as possible. This might scare them off. Better to whisper to your partner “Did you hear something? Do you want to tiptoe downstairs in the dark?”
Captain Darling says
Despite all of the above, I’m still impressed that any TV show or film ever gets made, given the amount of work required by so many people.
I’m reading the making-of book of Ridley Scott’s terrific Kingdom of Heaven. When choosing a site for the massive set of Jerusalem, they had to plan for the sun’s position in the sky in several months’ time, when filming would begin. If they started building in the wrong place, the lighting and shadows be all askew when the time came to roll cameras later in the year. And that’s before they worked on a million other things that viewers only notice when they’re done badly.
So I’m sure when somebody says “Ooh, there’s an extra far in the background wearing a digital watch” or “Did *nobody* notice the Starbucks cup in Game of Thrones?”, or some similar bit of observation, all film/TV crews would happily rain fire on them.
NigelT says
No one ever goes to the toilet.
In soaps, no one watches soaps, or talks about what’s on TV….ever.
No one in soaps ever swears, whereas everyone who is on after 9pm has to swear by law.
No one ever says ‘bye’ at the end of a phone call.
Rigid Digit says
No one ever has a coughing fit mid sentence
hubert rawlinson says
Bob Fleming on the Fast Show does. 😃
Gary says
If they do, it’s a prelude to a cancer storyline.
fentonsteve says
Or farts or burps, followed by a loud “Better out than in!”
fitterstoke says
Cosmo Smallpiece?
Leffe Gin says
You need to watch Slow Horses, the farts and burps are the stars. Watch it anyway! It’s great. Upends many of the cliches mentioned on this page.
Captain Darling says
Nobody in Corrie (from what I recall – I haven’t watched it in a while) ever wears Man U or Man City colours or talks about their club’s progress, off-pitch malarkey, etc.
Haven’t seen EastEnders since the days of Dirty Den, but I don’t remember anybody there ever talking about any of That London’s seemingly dozens of top teams.
Boneshaker says
Any character being written out of EastEnders will leave in a taxi. If they are leaving with regret they will look longingly out of the back window. Otherwise they will look fixedly straight ahead.
Any gangster type in EastEnders will speak in a menacing breathy whisper straight from the Phil Mitchell school of acting.
Black Celebration says
I remember Stan Ogden saying that he supported Bury, but otherwise you are totally correct.
When TV does football watching, we see couches full of animated people with painted faces and scarves. In real life, it’s a scene more like the Royle Family. There’s no point making a noise because you’re not actually there.
And while we are on the subject, football crowds at a game aren’t obsessively focused on the action at all times. Most people only get animated if their team is on the attack and in many games, these moments are few and far between.
Sewer Robot says
In Brookside, Rod the Plod was given extra grief by Damon for being an Everton supporter. Meanwhile the Collins family’s otherclassness was demonstrated by their interest in “exotic” sports like cricket and tennis
dai says
They support Weatherfield County who do have a team (in the show). I may be wrong, but I think Manchester is never mentioned.
Gatz says
Maybe because it’s meant to be Salford.
dai says
Yes, Weatherfield is supposedly based on Salford, but that’s just outside Manchester city centre
Slug says
I recall the occasional mention in EastEnders of local team Walford Town who had spent their history struggling in the lower tiers of the Football League but, as Arthur Fowler fondly attested, had tasted glory by reaching the FA Cup quarter finals in 1967. Matches against local rivals Millwall were a bit tasty, apparently.
chiz says
John Travolta goes poo-poo in Pulp Fiction. And Danny Glover in one of the Lethal Weapons.
Tiggerlion says
On soaps, they don’t watch TV or talk about the news or books or music.
Black Celebration says
Brookside had their own kids TV show “Magic Rabbits” to solve this problem. Three or four rabbit puppets dancing about to bleepy music.
Twang says
“Flipping” translates as “fucking” apparently. I think I prefer flipping.
dai says
American films used to be dubbed to “freakin” when shown on TV. You will still never hear the F word on mainstream TV over here, and no nudity is ever shown. You will see plenty of people getting their heads blown off and dead bodies on slabs
retropath2 says
Dogs Behaving (very) Badly: Australia pixelates the images of a dog wheelbarrowing another, lest offence be caused.
DBVB:A? Don’t judge me. My wife’s choice.
Captain Darling says
I recall watching Conan the Barbarian on a local TV station in New York. By mistake, apparently, they used the normal version – where a woman is seen topless for practically one second – rather than the cut-for-TV version. The following night, they issued a lengthy apology following what they said were hundreds of complaints about the nudity. The fact that the film features decapitations, countless stabbings, and all kinds of glorious bloody mayhem? Perfectly fine, it seems.
I can’t remember the channel, but they also bleeped every use of “God” in “Goddamn”, “Godforsaken”, etc. Weirdly puritanical for the city that never sleeps.
retropath2 says
Giving it the finger also gets the pixellation treatment, or did on a trip to NY, where the in-flight movie was the remade Beverley Hillbillies. It made for the funniest moment in the whole film, if unintentionally. Pretty low bar, mind.
Gary says
I wouldn’t want to live anywhere near a murderer’s house or a victim’s house as there’s never any phone signal and I’m quite reliant on my Whatsapp cookery group.
Cookieboy says
You’re quite wrong. The neighbours always survive, they are the ones who get to say about the killer, “He was quiet and kept to himself. Always said hello. ” That might just be on the news though.
Carl says
In cop shows the most senior officers must be completely incompetent, with no understanding of how to solve a murder/robbery, only concerned with performance figures, politics and PR while seeking to undermine the lead character, despite that character actually being the one whose solving of cases enhances the force’s reputation.
Twang says
True, and also placing every bureaucratic obstacle in their way, signing off with “and you’ve got 24 hours”.
Jaygee says
@Twang
That’s because said officer is needed to join the several other officers who are busy working on a 25-year-old cold case
LordTed says
All conversations relevant to the case have to take place while walking down corridors holding brown folders. No conversations or updates with the boss can take place in an Office. All information has to be passed to the lead detective in a brown folder while the junior tells him/her what’s in it. If there’s any update from the post mortem there will be a phone call from the Doctor and the lead detective and sidekick will immediately have to drive to the Mortuary where they will be told something that could have been told to them over the phone in 10 seconds.
hubert rawlinson says
Ah but they have to go to the mortuary to spot something on the body the mortician has overlooked.
mikethep says
Except in Bad Monkey, where the detective spots something on the mortician’s body that he quite likes.
Mike_H says
Started watching Bad Monkey the other day.
Most enjoyable.
Jaygee says
Enjoyed it,too but found 10 eps is couple of eps too long
Jaygee says
@Carl
Except for the bit about an officer actually solving cases, your post sounds more like a description of a documentary about the police rather than a standard cop show
Milkybarnick says
This has been subverted ever so slightly in McDonald & Dodds where they’ve got rid of the macho wally boss & replaced him with a much kinder character played by Clare Skinner who comes across as a decent copper as well. It works rather nicely.
Jaygee says
They missed a trick (and alargishboost of their viewing figipures) by not calling the show McDonald and Giles and giving each ep a prog theme and title
Rigid Digit says
Every house has a large kitchen with an island, and everybody congregated there.
Noticing the outside view of some of them, it seems like the whole ground floor (except the hallway ans stairs) has been gutted and only an extra large kitchen remains.
Sewer Robot says
I can’t believe we’ve got this far down without someone mentioning all the women taking off their tops in front of curtain/blind free windows..
Black Celebration says
In Married at First Sight and similar reality shows, we always see the young man getting ready for a night out by ironing his shirt bare-chested. We never see footage like this with the women.
Rigid Digit says
And those same ladies flaunting all at the window will wrap themselves in a sheet when getting out of bed
retropath2 says
A sign of our TV times is that all women have sex with their bra on. And the only buttocks you see are male. And you see lots of them.
Black Celebration says
More than two male buttocks? Bloody hell, are we expected to have a 6 pack back there as well?
Jaygee says
Robin Asskwith has a lot to answer for in this particular race to the bottom
Black Celebration says
In the UK we must know a little bit about the lives of game show contestants and what they will do with the money they might win. When they lose everything, they will be asked if they have had a good day, and they will emphatically say that they have a wonderful time.
In the US, no one gives a shit. Here’s Brad from Portland. Question 1 …
Timbar says
The host’s reply to “We’ve had a wonderful time” is always “Well, that’s the main thing”
Hawkfall says
One of the things I liked about Bullseye was that it was so cheap that Jim Bowen would remind viewers that Central TV had paid for contestants’ travel expenses and hotel accommodation. And then he would show them receiving their prize money as bank notes.
Uncle Wheaty says
Searching for a missing person always happens ‘in earnest’ .
When someone noteworthy dies and is reported on the news the tributes ‘come flooding in’.
Lazy journalism.
Black Celebration says
More lazy journalism:
“There have been increasing calls for…”
“X is on the back foot after a backlash following Y…”
“Reaction to (thing) has left many questioning whether X is in control…”
We need to know exactly who said what.
Rigid Digit says
If every missing person is in Earnest, they shoul be easy to find. Just down the road from Humble Beginnings where many celebrities claim to come from.
Nearby is the village of Random. Many things happen at Random
Munster says
Same as ‘brutally murdered’. I’ve yet to hear of a ‘gentle murder’
Podicle says
Killing me softly?
Black Type says
See also: ‘Elton John leads the tributes to…’ (All news media, passim).
Milkybarnick says
When comedians shuffled off in the 80s & 90s Ernie Wise always seemed to make a tribute – so much so that my Dad & I had a running joke where he would ask “has Ernie been on yet?” whenever any comedian of note had told their last joke.
Tiggerlion says
Paul Gambaccini, the Ernie Wise of Rock
Rigid Digit says
Who will be leading the tributes when Gambo passes?
David Hepworth? Mike Read? Chris Moyles? Rylan Clark?
mutikonka says
The term ‘bubbly’ is only ever used to describe a dead female victim. Nobody living has ever has been described by anyone as ‘bubbly’.
Mike_H says
Never actually said by anyone IRL, but when it’s used in print it’s a polite euphemism for Fat.
hubert rawlinson says
I’ve always thought of it as effervescent, lively but not fat.
Just checked on slang and it appears you’re correct.
Beezer says
Telephone usage. Both mobile and landline. If a phone rings while someone is busy they insist on wedging the phone at their ear with their shoulder while continuing to be busy. Typing, or preparing food, or doing accounts, anything.
This never happens. When a phone rings you stop what you’re doing and talk to the person at the other end. Once the call is over you go back to being busy.
This trope annoys the tits right off me. If I have to watch another busy American acting person simultaneously making breakfast, dressing a child and talking on the phone in such a manner, well I’ll be annoyed again.
Gatz says
I’ve always enjoyed the escalating phone-based multitasking in True Romance.
Twang says
On the Beeb they also do some irritating “business” like brush their teeth (looking at you, James Nesbitt) or shriek at the kids or hang out just three bits of washing) whilst having an important discussion because obviously that’s what “real” people do.
Jaygee says
@Twang
Brushing of the teeth is always done using a manual toothbrush and using a brushing motion that would appall any real-life dentist
Twang says
Yes! Also on personal grooming, when shaving the shave is never completed because something always comes up, and residual shaving foam is wiped off with a towel rather than being rinsed off. Heroes are therefore half shaven with a fine crust of dried soap around their faces for the rest of the action. This soap vanishes for the next scene, happily.
Boneshaker says
The person shaving / cleaning teeth is always reflected in the bathroom mirror to indicate some sinister significance, but the mirror is angled in such a way that the camera can pick up a reflection that they couldn’t possibly see themselves.
LordTed says
Couples or sometimes even families brush teeth together at the same sink. Would never ever ever happen in real life.
dai says
Vital conversations take place on the move, walking from e.g. one part of a hospital to another. These people are so busy and important they have no time to stop for 15 seconds.
Jaygee says
You need to be careful when talking while walking out of your house, office building or favourite bar as you will be flattened by a bus, coach or truck the moment you step onto the street
Andrew says
Often in crime shows the solicitor in an interview scene is just a silent extra. As the detectives tear into the suspect, or as the suspect willingly confesses, their brief just sits there quietly, maybe occasionally writing something down rather than interrupting to advise their client.
When a character has been deprived of food or drink for a while and they are given or find water or a plate of food, they’ll be in such a rush they’ll spill it everywhere, wasting loads.
Twang says
Table manners are particularly poor in westerns, where a character is invited for lunch, crams their mouth with food and bread then mumbles “Mmmmm, goopd”.
Rigid Digit says
Just don’t give them any beans
Jaygee says
@Andrew
“No comment”
Black Celebration says
If there’s a gritty British drama about a mystery serial killer and James Nesbit or David Tennant have a minor role as a newsagent or something, you can be sure that they will be the serial killer and that they will dominate the final two hours.
salwarpe says
Mitchell and Webb take on quite a few of the tropes above in this sketch
They also do the avocado bathroom sketch which rips the piss out of property shows. I think it’s part of a cycle. A good dramatic device gets overused; it gets pointed out, previously on comedy sketch shows, now on social media; and then scriptwriters/ production teams have to up their game to keep ahead of savvy audiences.
Congratulations, btw, BC, for yet another successful, comment- drawing thread – you have a remarkable skill in picking topics that draw AWers into discussion, time and again.
dai says
Regarding property shows I recently read the details from someone who has been on one. Say they are given a choice of 3 to buy and end up buying one after much consideration and negotiation. The likelihood is that they had already bought the property on their own sometimes months before, the TV crew then moves in and the whole thing is a setup to tell a story. They do it because they are given money to help with renovation costs etc or just like being on TV
Black Celebration says
Thanks, Sal. I know we have done this subject before but I saw a local TV news item involving pigs and then another item featuring a group of children shouting at the end, and I couldn’t resist.
Jaygee says
I hope you’ve contacted your local news round-up show about filming you issuing a ginormous charity cheque for all the hampers you’ll have to repay in atonement for your sins
Timbar says
Favourite dialogue. These have me punching the air with glee.
“I’ll call the Police” – “We are the Police”
“I just hope my husband doesn’t find out” (husband has entered room) “doesn’t find out what?”
“I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me”
Jaygee says
@Timbar
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost….”
“I have”
NigelT says
People about to be interviewed for local news are filmed walking past the camera with a fixed stare ahead as an introduction.
Seat belt usage is not yet a legal requirement in TV drama.
When it rains it is always absolutely chucking it down.
In Who Do You Think You Are, the subject’s relatives are always in and seemingly right behind the front door. When they realise a relative died a hundred years ago they cry because they never thought they would find that out.
dai says
I find WDYTYA so contrived as to be now unwatchable. Maybe there are one or two good ones, but most are history lessons about first world war or something
Twang says
The Armstrong and Miller send up was brilliant.
Beezer says
Yes. Rain in movies. It’s always torrential. Remarkably so. And yet no one seems to say so. ‘Ooooh, look at this rain!’
And, aswell, heated or emotional dialogue is always conducted right in the middle of it. Hair matted to head and clothes sodden. No one ever says what you and I would. ‘Jesus, let’s get out of this fucking rain first’.
hubert rawlinson says
Some people are of course oblivious to persistent precipitation.
Leffe Gin says
That’s the single worst moment in the history of ‘bad script but doing my best’ films.
dai says
Probably, but Richard Curtis has committed many other crimes. I cringe at his totally forced, unrealistic dialogue
Diddley Farquar says
When someone dies it is deemed necessary to close their eyelids, which isn’t possible in reality.
When someone witnesses a horrific, traumatic incident, or has some terrible shock, they have to go and spew somewhere. Does this really happen? Perhaps it does. I have never witnessed or experienced it but I’ve never seen someone close to me having their head blown off.
chiz says
No one pukes properly. They just spit out a mouthful, wipe their lips and carry on. No one sits there in a muck sweat with their ghost-white face resting on the porcelain, having expelled three pints of sludge and half their intestines.
Mike_H says
Yes.
What about the post-chunder dry-heaving and brow -mopping!
And the “Oh God!”-ing.
Carl says
This scene from the Coen brothers’ first film Blood Simple, is the most realistic reaction to being kicked in the balls I have ever seen on screen, complete with realistic vomiting.
When I saw it, Frances McDormand was unknown, and until I checked to see if it was online, I had no idea it was her administering the kick.
No shaking it off as if it were no more significance than a gnat bite, which is the general reaction .
Leem says
A character (child/colleague/spouse) eventually finds the courage to reveal and unburden their massive torment to their significant other. Phone rings. Significant other buggers off. Crestfallen look. Face saying why bother. Cut to next scene.
Might have been said but the main characters never have to drive around looking for a remotely convenient parking spot. Right outside the front of the building. Hop out (don’t lock the car) and your in the building.
Jaygee says
Corrie tropes
Emails and mobile phones seem to stop working the moment characters leave Weatherfield as returnees are always astonished to find out about the series of grisly murders that have happened while they’ve been away
Every time a character undergoes a dramatic change of personality it is forgotten about as soon as they revert back to something approaching their regular selves
Weatherfield is the only place in the UK where you can call the police about a minor disagreement with one’s neighbours and the PoPo will be around in force within the next five minutes.
Actually given the sky high murder rate in the Street, the police response team is perhaps not that surprising
Mike_H says
There’s a major incident department been set up, just round the corner from The Rovers.
BryanD says
Another thing with Corrie, which I assume they still do as I haven’t watched it for years, is go in the pub and ask for “a pint”. I always wanted the bar staff to reply “A pint of what? I’m not psychic “.
Timbar says
Our lead cop is very abrasive & when someone says “Frank wouldn’t have done that” he shouts “Don’t talk to me about Frank!” & storms off.
“Who was Frank?” asks young rookie recruit
“Frank was his partner. I guess he’s never gotten over it & still feels guilty”
(See above)
Jaygee says
@Timbar
What makes Frank’s demise even more poignant is the fact that it occurred on an apparently straightforward case he took just days before his retirement
salwarpe says
…took on as a favour to the Chief, who was asked to put his best man onto the case by one of his pals in the Masons, who, what do you know, will turn out to be the culprit.
moseleymoles says
One more: the kobayashi maru (Trekkies come gather)
At the start of a show, particularly a cold opening, there’s a ridiculously tense situation that ends up going very badly for the cops involved with shots fired, people killed, officers down etc. Camera pull back and cue the training commander walking on saying words to the effect of:
‘If this was real yous useless lot would all be effing dead right now’
Just watched the opening ep of Blue Lights – excellent NI set cop show – and they pulled this one exactly as above.
retropath2 says
Cue River Cartwright”s reason for being in Slough House (Slow Horses).
Ainsley says
” I can’t do this anymore” followed by a flounce. Just about every drama at the moment.
Rigid Digit says
You’ll never get on Masterchef unless you deconstruct something, use panko breadcrumbs, or describe your dish as a fusion.
Fish fingers, chips and beans is frowned on (unless you serve it with a sprig of parsley)
Jaygee says
Dishes on shows like MC and GBBO stopped being dishes long ago and are now routinely referred to as “journeys”
Black Type says
…and ‘plate of food’.
Cookieboy says
They don’t seem to do it anymore but back in the olden days whenever the police found a shipment of drugs a cop would slice open one of the packages, dip his pinkie in, lift his finger to his mouth, give it a taste then nod his head and say, “Yep, heroin.”
Uncle Wheaty says
very well done for a tasteless odourless substance
Sewer Robot says
Surely that’s just following the old “eliminate the impossible.. whatever remains” adage.
Sugar, salt space dust etc – not tasteless
Vim, Flash, Shake n Vac etc – not odourless
Sewer Robot says
… course it could still be anthrax. That’s where the “putting it in your mouth” school of analysis does let you down..
Rigid Digit says
But surely you’d notice if you were dipping your finger in a 1980s Thrash Metal band
Jaygee says
@Cookieboy
And yet no colleague ever says, “You seem to know an awful lot about this heroin stuff, DI Cookieboy…”
On a side note. when I worked in Saudi in the early 80s, there was one mainstream channel that ran very few English programmes (the news at 7.30, and – at 10.30 on Friday nights, 15 year-old reruns of Lost in Space). For those “lucky enough” to be live within range of its transmitters there was US oil company ARAMCO’s in-house channel running the biggest US shows of the day for its huge expat workforce.
When chancing upon ARAMCO’s TV listings in the daily paper, first time viewers unversed in the ways of the Kingdom would be discombobulated by the Saudi censors’ ham-fisted attempts at excising potentially contentious words from each show’s soundtrack.
Thus, sentences that probably ran something along the lines of ‘We’ll ship the heroin in via New Jersey’ or ‘Wowzah! Look at the rack on that babe!’ would become unintelligible gibberish such as ‘We’ll ship SILENCE New Jersey!’ or ‘Wowzah! Look at the DEAD SILENCE on that DEAD SILENCE!’
Understandably shit-scared of the hellish future that might result were its members to be seduced by corrupting Western influences, Saudi’s censorship board seemed to have ignored all invites to refresher courses into contemporary slang.
As a result, phrases like ‘Just another fucking junkie who OD’d while mainlining H’ or ‘Jeez! Look at the top bollocks on that broad!’ sailed through the censors’ office without the slightest alteration.
Captain Darling says
“Censor” is such a strange job to deliberately choose, out of all the careers available. Has a child ever gone to their careers teacher and said “When I leave school, I’d like to be a censor”? And has anybody looking for work ever been told “You know, you have all the qualities you need to be a great censor”?
Black Celebration says
I have a low-level qualification in assessment – which means you assess things based on a formally defined standard. The censor is not actually recoiling in horror at someone saying “bottom” but is rating the content based on the fact that “bottom” is one of the words on the list of words that are a fucking no-no.
Jaygee says
As Howard Stern famously had it, “How come I can prick my finger, but not finger my prick?”
paulwright says
My wife’s family lived in Saudi decades ago.
The tv station showed Gentlemen prefer Blondes. Apparently it lasted 20 minutes and Marilyn Munroe wasn’t in it. At all.
Clive says
When you turn off the bedside light the room actually gets brighter.
hubert rawlinson says
Or a single match when struck and lit in a dark room can illuminate the room as if football floodlights had been switched on.
Beezer says
Ha! That was one of my Dad’s favourite observations. Candles being lit especially
‘Bloody hell, that’s some candle’.
Along with ‘Wasn’t he in Z Cars?’ ‘He’s not really riding that horse, you know?’ ‘Mind, they’re rotten shots aren’t they?’ Plus many other moment-ruining Dad’isms muttered from behind a newspaper.
hubert rawlinson says
Ah fathers eh.
Mine would comment on hearing the sound of an aeroplane overhead on the television ” Oh a tape recorder flying over”
Timbar says
My mother’s observation was “That’s not a new born baby”
Jaygee says
@Beezer
Surviving episodes of Z Cars currently showing on TPTV every Sat night though have yet to watch one
Twang says
Lots of classic BBC series are on iPlayer. All the Doctor Who that they have, fit example, also Butterflies which is wonderful.
Beezer says
@Jaygee
Really? I am indebted, my friend.
Jaygee says
Candles also present in abundance when some latterday Lesley Philips arrives back at his bachelor pad after inviting a feisty young filly back for a bit of “ding dong”
NigelT says
One thing we rarely actually notice because it is universal in TV and films is the unnatural way conversations happen. In reality we repeat things, we interrupt, we talk over each other, we miss things, we can’t hear properly because of extraneous noise, and we actually often don’t say anything at all to each other for ages. Conversations on screen are invariably people taking turns in speaking, which is obviously the way the script is written on the page, but real conversations are much messier.
Also, no one ever says ‘hello’ or ‘goodbye’, ‘see ya’, ‘cheers’ and so on.
Jaygee says
You need to watch a few Robert Altman movies (he also did a couple of good TV series while his movie-making career was in the doldrums)
Timbar says
If you’ve ever done Jury Service, you’ll know that the “it’s just like the Telly” stops the moment the first mumbling, inarticulate witness appears.
hubert rawlinson says
As an aside when I did jury service in Leeds a case was brought over from Bradford, the first witness a shopkeeper spoke well after leaving it was decided there was enough time to call the second witness. He took his place looked across at the jury spotted me and waved, just as I was explaining to a court official that I knew the witness. He was an ex sixth former at a school in Bradford I’d worked at.
Trial was adjourned and I had to be relieved of my service by the judge.
The next day some of the other jurors had wanted to know what happened after explaining they said another juror had to be relieved of his service after he’d explained he was deaf and hadn’t heard a word the first witness had said.
The other trial I was on was thrown out because of insufficient evidence by the police and holes in the statements from the witnesses. We’d spent more time on the trial in the waiting room than in court. The judge apologised for our time being wasted.
hubert rawlinson says
I think it’s easier to find faults in procedures if we know something of the job an actor is portraying. As some of you know I worked as a wedding registrar to boost my works pension until I got my state pension.
After starting in the post the programme ‘Love, Lies and Records’ started which oddly enough was partly filmed in the local Town Hall I was based in. I found myself saying things like “they wouldn’t do that” ” that’s totally wrong” etc.
fentonsteve says
Like the eight Marshall 4×4 cabs arranged across the front of the stage for a Midsomer village hall folk festival. Spoiler alert: they toppled over and squashed someone.
I’ve seen Dinosaur Jr. at the Reading Festival using less on-stage amplication.
Jaygee says
Presumably the MM episode you quote wasn’t the one where J Mascis made a fleeting cameo as a record shop owner
hubert rawlinson says
Oh I’d forgotten that one,
“Filmed at Nettlebed Village Hall, where the Nettlebed Folk Club (NFC) meet, and featured several of NFC’s regular singers.” You’d have thought they’d have said something.
fentonsteve says
A pedant writes: 4×12″
Beezer says
Thin Lizzy’s Scott Gorham in a recent Gibson guitar YouTube vid reconfirmed the long known fact that most of the speaker cabs in those beloved Marshall walls were empty.
Lizzy got the idea from Status Quo, even though most we’re doing it anyway
.The onstage look was and remains utterly wonderful. All any axe-slinger really needs though is one decent amp through the PA. Cue @davebigpicture to correct/amplify (SWIDT) that.
fentonsteve says
I think I read somewhere that J Mascis actually used to mic up a Fender twin reverb round the back of the Marshall wall.
Jaygee says
You would get on well with my sister.
Despite never having worked for – or had need of – a registrar, she shouts out loudly “It’s registrar’s office” every time someone on telly mentions they’re getting married in the “registry office”
hubert rawlinson says
Register Office though I feel people use Registry Office as it’s been misnamed that for quite some time. See bulrushes.
Hamlet says
In an episode of Sherlock, the judge directed the jury to find Moriarty guilty. My knowledge of the law is based entirely on six days of jury service, but even I know a judge in England and Wales cannot instruct a jury to reach a guilty verdict.
Bamber says
I can’t watch any depiction of social workers on TV as it makes my blood boil. My usual outburst is “they wouldn’t last 5 minutes as a social worker”, as I watch another be-cardiganned, meek do-gooder who can only see the nice side of anyone. As for Ken Loach’s Ladybird, Ladybird released when I was studying…it was as disingenuous and damaging as the Daily Mail to the profession. Don’t get me started on that social work “comedy”, with Jo Brand and Alan Davies… Insulting.
salwarpe says
How do you rate ‘Clare in the Community”?
Bamber says
I wasn’t aware of it. Having googled it, that’s probably because Radio 4 is not really on my radar here in Ireland. Having qualified and worked as a social worker in the UK, it might be an interesting listen if it is available on BBC Sounds (accessible here unlike i-player). BBC did a documentary on social work around 2000 called Someone to Watch Over Me. It was very good but heartbreaking to watch. My teenage nephew walked in while I was watching it with tears rolling down my face. I explained to him that it was like a Vietnam veteran watching a Nam movie, watching good people crumble under the strain. I recommend it to my student social workers if they can find it because it’s a wake up call. I wouldn’t want to watch it again.
Timbar says
There are 70 episodes on Fourble, if it does appeal..
https://fourble.co.uk/podcast/community
Ainsley says
Clare in the Community is an out and out comedy (and a very funny one at that) so I doubt there will be any comparisons to real life to make, but it’s definitely worth a listen for the laughs.
jazzjet says
Any time a suspect is put in a car by the police, they put them in the car while pushing their head down with their hand. Presumably to prevent the poor love banging their head.
Jaygee says
I’ve always wondered if coppers in real life do that.
While an effective way of publicly humiliating and showing perps who’s in charge, laying hands on someone in such a fashion is surely assault.
Mike_H says
If they’ve already put handcuffs on them, it’s a bit late to be worrying about touching their heads. I think they may well find it necessary to place their hand on the person’s head so they don’t bang it on the doorframe, especially if their hands are no longer free, but not to push their head down.
Bamber says
I know that, in Ireland, the Gardai (our police force) have licence to use reasonable force up to and including pain compliant techniques as long as it is proportionate to the circumstances. I presume similar conditions apply in the UK. Putting their hands on someone would not constitute assault in the same way it might if a civilian does so.
Cookieboy says
Watch your head there…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ufkr-mWwOQ
Cookieboy says
hubert rawlinson says
Not forgetting the usage of “It’s not how it looks” (heard only last night.
It always is how it looks, well most of the time.
Barry Blue says
This thread is probably done and dusted now.
‘Unless……..’
salwarpe says
All TV presenters are required to turn to the camera at the end of the programme and say “See you all next week!”
Not unless my TV doubles as a video camera you won’t, mate.
*pastes tape over small aperture at top of laptop, just to be sure*
Black Celebration says
They also say that they have enjoyed my company today, which is nice.
Jaygee says
@salwarpe
Probably a wise choice of words for those whose shows go out on Tuesdays or Thursdays
Barry Blue says
The BBC likes to pause that bit too long in the switch back to the studio from an outside reporter or interviewee, particularly on news programmes. I’m often expecting the subject, imagining their contribution’s done and dusted, to swear, break wind, disrobe.
Jaygee says
When the technique was first rolled out in One Upon A Time in Iraq that arriving for the interview schtick came over as fresh and spontaneous. Now it’s used in every interview, it just looks hopelessly contrived
Barry Blue says
Yep, suggestive of a more authentic view, when it’s actually as authentic as Mike Yarwood saying ‘And this is me’ and singing ‘You Are The Sunshine Of My Life’
Black Celebration says
I’m struggling to understand what you mean. Are you referring to footage of the person meeting the interviewer when they first arrive and then being sat down and mic’d up etc?
Jaygee says
Bloody hell! Could you give me a couple of seconds to take me coat off, shove it under me seat and take a swig of water before you start in with all the questions, mate…
Diddley Farquar says
A lot of food is prepared and ordered. Not much is eaten. This is troubling.
Can I use your toilet? Err, yes, it’s upstairs. Half an hour or more later after much rummaging in drawers, and scrutinising of photographs and clothes. Thank you, come on, we must go.
Black Celebration says
Gnarled old Police detectives visit distressed parents of missing teenager. Sympathetic WPC appears from the kitchen with a tray of tea and biscuits. No previous conversation over whether they would even like a cup of tea, milk preference or how many sugars.
fentonsteve says
Nobody ever enters a house/pub/cafe/shop/petrol station and says “I urgently need to use your toilet, I have Crohn’s disease.” Yet one in 2,000 people do.
fentonsteve says
A pedant writes: 1 in 200.
Jaygee says
Since Crohn’s is fairly near to the start of the alphabet there’s a good chance the scriptwriters at Corrie or another soap will highlight the condition as they work their way down the list of debilitating medical issues their characters develop on a regular basis.
All of which is not to make light of Crohn’s. I know someone who has it and it is a fucking awful blight on her life
fentonsteve says
Allow me: it’s a pain in the arse.
We were supposed to be meeting friends down from Scotland for lunch tomorrow. I spent about an hour last week finding a cafe that could cater for me and going through what I can eat (essentially a ham and Cheddar sandwich). Friends just rang to say they can’t make lunch tomorrow after all. My first thought: fantastic, I don’t have to spent the day anxious about an attack of the squits.
Skirky says
Anyone addressing a village fete must approach the microphone, be surprised by a sudden squeal of feedback, and only then begin their announcement of the raffle/parish notices. I’m surprised there aren’t more vicars with tinnitus.
fentonsteve says
Ah yes, that invariably has me shouting at the telly.
davebigpicture says
As do organisations that “hack” into a projector during a live presentation, complete with glitchy video. I know, like the feedback, it’s just a means of signalling what’s happening but it’s bollocks. Mind you, it’s preferable to yet another PowerPoint and corporate video.
salwarpe says
*bang bang bang* “Is this thing on?”
The audience gets treated to the opening beats of Blue Monday at full force.
Bamber says
The view through a pair of binoculars is always binocular shaped (two intersecting circles like a Venn diagram) rather than the actual basically circular view you actually get. Annoys me!
thecheshirecat says
That made me laugh.
Jaygee says
Big companies whose major product has tanked routinely allow their ad agencies to create and shoot make-or-break TV commercials whose contents they are unaware of until the day they air.
Said commercials always exceed the standard 30-sec length.
In older TV shows, the only person brave enough to stand up to the angry client will be the perky secretary who is working to pay her son Chip’s college fees.
When Perky Pat is told to shut up by her boss, the Puce-faced client will insist on hearing her out (“I’ve heard enough from you stuffed shirts! Let ‘s hear what she has to say!”) and accept her advice
David Kendal says
Among the unwritten rules of the TV crime series are that there are a lot of murders in one location, which the same world-weary or eccentric detective is called out to every time. And the motivation and execution will be complex to the point of being baroque.
I once met a detective on a murder investigation, as I was a witness, purely in that I heard a noise in the street which helped them pin down the time of the crime. I spent about an hour with him, as he went over what I’d heard, and anything that could help them with the time. We chatted and he said there is only one murder unit in England and Wales, based in London, which provides support to police departments in other parts of the country when they need it. When there is a murder, a team has to be assembled, and this particular detective was on detachment from Nottingham to London so that he had some experience if it turned out to be necessary.
There are only about 500-600 murders a year in England and Wales, and as he told me the majority are some sort of domestic or sexual violence, or gang related, usually over drug dealing. It is usually pretty obvious who did it. Not Inspector Morse, and events related to some secret society in Oxford thirty years before. Whether they are supposedly serious, or intentionally daft like David Mitchell’s new series, most of these programmes are based on the same few myths.
Mike_H says
Taggart, set in Glasgow, is a case in point. Multi-part complex stories, with one murder (murrrderrr!) in the middle or towards the end of the first part and then two more (usually) in the second part. One early on and then another towards the end.
I remember a bit in one story where they took the mickey out of the thing’s concept, sort of.
Someone mentions that Glasgow had just been voted “City Of Culture” and someone else replies “City of murrderr, more like!”
Foxnose says
There was an Newspaper Cartoon at the time of Glasgow showing two gentleman in front of a ‘Glasgow City of Culture’ poster.
One gentleman had a knife pointed at the other gentleman who exlaimed “Is that a dagger I see before me!”
Jaygee says
Brilliant!