Making out that they’re okay when they’re not
And here comes another panic attack
Oh here we go again
——-
I explained In a recent missive from the dark side that dealing with depression, anxiety and all manner of woes is an ongoing process, a set of rolling repairs stretching into the distance. You are never “fixed” , “better” or “okay now”. Just because you have a period of relief from that which ails you people assume that you are now fine. It doesn’t work like that.
I admit that my own life has been pretty blissful of late but the black dog can still descend without warning, set off barking by the slightest thing. For instance, the “missing persons” thread on this here blog gave me a serious wobble for a couple of days and still kinda lingers. Cos that was me about two years ago – the post about this was probably lost in the fire – but I had it all planned out and was ready to go when cowardice \ courage stopped me. Seeing such things being discussed bought back nasty memories of that pain and confusion I was in.
This is not posted to make the OP feel bad in any way but to highlight how fragile our state of mind can be. When you are in a good and comfortable state mentally the fear is always there that the darker & more desperate times can return. You often hear of people committing suicide just when “they seemed to be doing so much better” as the dip back into pain is harder, faster & more intense – it creates a feeling that these things are inescapable. You lose focus far more quickly and well, the results can be disastrous
With the festive season upon us I’d just like to impress on people who may be or know those who have mental problems to keep an extra eye on them in spite of the hustle and bustle of the period. If you are not sure how to approach it then http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/ is a good place to start
If I had one thought it is – just a simple phone call, message via social media, letter, card or just a simple “hello, how’s your day been?” can mean more than you realise. Even if we say we are ok, we are masters of covering up, deceiving ourselves and others. Just because people are seemingly doing well from their Facebook and Twitter feed doesn’t mean that they don’t sometimes feel the fear returning and need a friendly arm round the shoulder. Not a “u ok hun?” but a “Hey mate, fancy a chat?” and even if they don’t or can’t at that moment they will appreciate the sentiment behind the offer.
Take care of yourselves – and each other.
——
And when you’re no longer searching for beauty or love
Just some kind of life with the edges taken off.
When you can’t even define what it is that you’re frightened of
This song will be here
Hey man I’m sorry my thread gave you a wobble. Glad you’re doing ok of late. I’ve had a few panic attacks in the last few months due to troublesome life issues but thankfully I’ve been able to keep on keeping on. Funnily enough I’ve just been reading an interview with Bill Ryder-Jones, who talks very candidly about his own anxiety-induced disappearance from the scene. He’s now doing very well but he says it’s like being an alcoholic, in that it’ll always be a part of you.
7 times I’ve started writing this, and 6 times I’ve deleted for fear of sounding condescending, self-centred (“me too, me too”) or just plain idiotic an annoying.
and now I say: ah f**k it, just write the bloody thing!
Cheers DFB for being braver than I to confront and share this stuff.
You are 100% correct – it is a case of constantly checking yourself, no matter how great you may think the world around you is, or how others my perceive the world you’re currently in.
Constant struggle? May be a bit melodramatic for me, but yes it is a struggle – trick for me is to do the check and balance, and if something don’t feel right, change the backdrop or routine. It is a state of change, which is almost ironic considering loss of routine an/or change is at the heart of it (for me at least).
(and this is the idiotic bit)
having just emerged from a state of confusion and annoyance at work, culminating in potential redundancy (which didn’t actually happen in the end, but the fear was “brain-freezing”), I’ve found solace and relief in a series of daft events:
change of glasses, finally getting my knackered teeth sorted out, getting my right ear unblocked, and (this is the daftest) a new par of shoes.
Whether those things actually had an effect is debatable *, but the fear of the world and the loathing of ones self has abated.
* no it isn’t, they had no real effect at all. But I’m going to cling to them anyway.
@jim-cain no need to apologise as I wasn’t offended or hurt by it and anything that provokes debate and interest in such matters is a good thing
PAS are a bastard and as we discussed on the podcast sometimes we fear the fear more than what we think we are frightened of.
Hope you have a chilled season, sir
Just having someone to talk to and listen without questioning worked for me. A long awhile ago. Peace to you all.
Daft events maybe, but everything is as important or unimportant as you choose to make it. So, take pleasure wherever or however you find it.
you’re a wise man get.
If I had one thought it is – just a simple phone call, message via social media, letter, card or just a simple “hello, how’s your day been?” can mean more than you realise. Even if we say we are ok, we are masters of covering up, deceiving ourselves and others.
Thanks for this post; I identified with a lot of it. I agree with your thought above- it’s the small things that mean such a lot. If you’re in two minds about sending that message, card, text, making that call, having a quick chat and so on….just do it.
Wishing everyone a peaceful holiday.
Hit the mark with me too.
A rather pretty young woman smiled at me in the street today. That small gesture on her part made a difficult day that little bit better. That little bit brighter.
Don’t want to piss on your chips Peter but if the weather does not stop me on Sunday I shall coming to give you a man hug and possibly a little peck on the cheek. No tongues please.
Weather dependent. Nadgers to that I need some Beany lovin’.
See you Sunday big boy.
I feel so patronising when I say this, but it is really how I feel.. Take pleasure when & where you can, do the things you like & try to avoid the things you dont like (So much easier to type/say than to do – I know).
You are among friends here Dave & I know I am not the only one who wishes you well going into the holiday season & beyond.
Hopefully the darkness will clear for you real soon. You are one of the good guys Dave & I really do wish you well.
Take care Bud.
One of the wisest things I ever did was to be honest with my boss about the real reason for my sickness absences. I know now that she has got my back, and she looks out for me. If I am having a crap day, I know that she will offer to step in and take my class for half an hour if I need it… (I haven’t had to ask, yet.) Just having that makes a world of difference, and I have had only one sick day since April. (This is remarkably good going for me.)
Not going to wobble on about it, but I had a bit of a knock in the summer, and was in the dark for a few days. I emailed the Samaritans. They were absolutely brilliant. All I can say is, if you are feeling alone with something, then use them. You don’t have to be feeling suicidal; get some support.
I hope everyone has a good festive season, and stays well.
Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes. I’ve been having a small visit from le chien noir myself, over the last few weeks. It is those small kindnesses that help the most. My boss knows about my history and, even though he is often buried under a mountain of stressful work, he’ll come and sit with me, buy me a coffee, and chat about a gig, an album he’s heard or a restaurant he’s been to. It takes me out of myself. I was working from home today but found myself writing about a football match I went to, 25 years ago. I obviously needed to get it out, and felt a bit better afterwards. I know it sounds stupid but tiny compliments about stuff that I write on here mean so much, lift me, put air in my lungs. @dogfacedboy you are so right. Give out a smile, a small gesture, a simple kindness. You never know, the other person might just be having as bad a time as you.
I count myself fortunate to have not suffered the issues discussed on here for a very long time – perhaps over 30 years. However I lost a brother in law haunted by demons and am (hopefully) acutely sensitive to the problems that others face in confronting things in their head that just won’t go away. I am not sure I can help other than the inane rubbish I post on here which rarely matches the eloquence of others however I wish all the best to those feeling the threat of the blues and If I can help in any way I will.
An since my reply follows on from your post Niall where may I find your writings on a match of 25 years ago? I love your nostalgic writings and would love to read this.
Thanks @stevet. I’ve posted it on it’s own.
It is comforting to read missives from those more eloquent than I could ever be on your situations,
I find that as I get older depression has become something which I am less ashamed of and which I am able to speak openly about.
The thought of doing this even 10 years ago would be unthinkable, and for that I am eternally grateful..
I find that like my fellow Afterworders, small incidents become a really big deal in lifting my spirits… an unexpected smile, a small compliment, or even a show of interest in what I’m doing.
I have recently started feeling my age, aches & pains, thoughts of mortality, and on a more trivial level, what’s the point of buying all that vinyl!
This is offset by an increasing sense of comfort that when I end, so does the black moods.
All of this doom and gloom is bearable because I have love in my life, a soulmate who I can offload this crap to, and who isn’t judgemental or critical.
I wish nothing but good will to all those who struggle with their demons, but send love and hope to those who have to get through it alone, I can’t begin to imagine your strength.
Peace x
Any setting, any situation which allows a voice for the traditionally unsayable, traditionally unthinkable feelings of helplessness and worthlessness so many rotate within internal vacuums can only be for the good. Their good. Our good.