It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for, no doubt.
After a week long process of intensive debate, and a voting process that has baffled pollsters, tried the patience of the electorate and lead to the permanent shattering of several friendships, and at least one marriage that we know of, we have finally arrived at the very Apex of all Afterword culture: The One True Tune To Rule Them All.
Henceforth, from this day on, when we discuss music let us do so united in the common recognition that there is one song that stands apart from all its brethren. A tune that pleases all ears, and confounds none. A song that has the entire Afterword singing along, arms aloft, with nary a nay-sayer in sight, and only brotherly love and bonhomie in evidence.
There are those who said it could not be done. That such a tune, quite simply, did not exist – COULD not exist. To those people, I say: Ha! Read herein, without your own eyes, the evidence that musical consensus is not just an arcane theory, or an ancient rumour, but an actual, practicable science, with results you can touch and feel. Recognise that man can finally live as one, and that there are no boundaries which can contain us, nor walls divide us.
After carefully tallying the votes, it gives me enormous pleasure to announce that the Official Afterword OTTTRTA is none other than….
….. a tie. Shit. What do we do now?
Okay, so it appears that the two songs with a claim on the crown are Ghost Town by The Specials, and Heroes by David Bowie. Each had 7 votes, far in advance of the third placed entry, Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone.
My initial thought was that we could use this thread as a run-off vote between the two contenders, to democratically establish the bona fide top dog.
But then, I thought – you know what, Bingo; you live in London. You have a job that involves sitting at a desk. You moisturise daily. You keep books on shelves at home. You use five syllable words, for cryin out loud! You’re exactly the sort of hoity-toity, up-his-own-arse metropolitan knobhead who would probably just ignore the will of the electorate and decide what’s best for them anyway.
So that’s what I’ve done.
Ghost Town is officially proclaimed the OTTTRTA, on account of the fact that multiple people on the voting thread mentioned it as being their second choice or a strong contender for their vote. And also because I quite like seeing polls on here that aren’t won by the usual bloody suspects.
Please address all complaints to Kid Dynamite, who will be handling my mail this week. Alternatively, if you’d like to go ahead and vote below, feel free to do so, although I can’t promise it will change the overall result.
Beyond that, let’s all lock arms in celebration of our new dark overlord. ALTOGETHER NOW: “This town…. aaah-ah….”
Final Voting Was As Follows
(I’ve ignored all the songs that got zero votes, to spare the enormous shame which would be no doubt be felt by all those who originally nominated them)
Just For You – Sam Cooke
Bring It On Home To Me – Sam Cooke
Be My Baby – The Ronettes
Do Right Woman, Do Right Man – Aretha
King of Rome – The Unthanks
Northern Sky – Nick Drake
Free Your Mind – En Vogue
Be My Wife – David Bowie
Pop Muzik – M
Pick Up The Pieces – The Average White Band
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – Darlene Love
I Want Your Love – Chic
This Woman’s Work – Kate Bush
September – Earth, Wind and Fire
Loaded – Primal Scream
Sweet Jane – The Velvet Underground
Wonderful Remark – Van Morrison
Heartbreak Hotel – Elvis Presley
Up The Junction – Squeeze
A Change Is Gonna Come – Sam Cooke
Baby I Need Your Loving – The Four Tops
Unfinished Sympathy – Massive Attack
Every Time We Say Goodbye – Ella Fitzgerald
Sinnerman – Nina Simone
Uptown Top Ranking – Althea and Donna
When You Walk In The Room – Jackie DeShannon
I Feel Love – Donna Summer
Woolly Bully – Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs
Trenchtown Rock – Bob Marley
Kiss – Prince
Voodoo Child – Jimi Hendrix
You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman – Aretha
Mrs. Robinson – Simon and Garfunkel
Raspberry Beret – Prince
Louie Louie – The Kingsmen
Papa Was a Rollin’ Stone – The Temptations
Heroes – David Bowie
Ghost Town – The Specials