“My friends all laughed when I told them I was going to be a comedian. Well – they aren’t laughing now!” – Bob Monkhouse.
Except that it’s not. I just heard it on a Burns & Allen radio show from 1940. It matters not a ha’porth, of course, it’s still the funniest gag ever told (and he told it better). Unless you have a funnier one. Which I doubt. So I WIN.
This joke as told by Clement Freud is up there, I would say.
Unfortunately I don’t have my desktop speakers connected so the humour is lost on me.
It’s worth it if you can connect. It’s a great joke.
Just my impish sense of fun. Yes, it’s a wonderful joke and told extremely well.
That is quality!
“I used to do a lot of drugs. I still do but I used to as well.”- Mitch Hedberg
Why do farts smell? For the benefit of the deaf.
The best joke I have heard in a while was told by journalist/radio presenter Alan Light on Rock’s Back Pages podcast episode 172. Check it out
No. You check it out for us.
I already have, hence the recommendation
Could you paraphrase it for those of us who don’t do podcasts? I mean, if it’s that good you should share it more widely, dontcha think?
Like most good jokes it needs to be heard.
Are you like this at parties, Dai?
I will tell you the joke next time I bump into you at a party
I look forward to it.
*rolls eyes for audience*
What’s got two legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a cat.
I dunno. If was already dead a long time it would have drained out. Also, if the cat was stuffed in a taxidermy, say just the half mounted on a plaque as a trophy, that wouldn’t bleed at all, either.
@neil-dyson
There is a similar joke where the semi-cat doesn’t bleed at all
How do you make a dead cat float?
Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead cat.
My sense of humour is pretty down to earth , some might say vulgar. So this is right up my alley.
Sir Les.
President of the Australian Cheeseboard, wasn’t he?
Sadly missed.
Q: What do Grateful Dead fans say when they run out of drugs?
A: What is this awful music?
A-HAHAHAHAHAAHHHHHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAARGH-
When I die I want to go peacefully and suddenly like my Uncle.
Not kicking and screaming, like the passengers in his car….
Funnier when Bob Monkhouse told it
“When I die, I want to slip away peacefully in my sleep like my dad,
not screaming in terror like the 300 passengers in the plane he was
piloting at the time.”
The way I first heard it (and the best way of telling it, imho) is devoid of vehicular reference: “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming in terror like his passengers.”
This is the canonical and funniest form.
Well it is if you’re sitting in an airport departure lounge or the plane you’re aboard is taxiing down the runway
I hate people who take drugs … like Customs Officers
Similarity between a duck and the Taxman?
They can both shove their bills up their a**e
Reminds me of one of my favourite jokes, that is quite visual
A crowd gathered around a motorcyclist who’d just crashed, right outside my house.
I rushed out, shouting “Let me through! Let me through!”.
Somebody said “Are you a doctor, then?”
“No.” I replied. “He’s got my pizza!”
He crashed outside the houses owned by the Harrison & and the Ball families.. Fortunately he was pulled out by the Harrison’s
That pizza was cold.
I went to the bookshop in town and asked the girl on the counter if they had “Dealing With Constant Disappointment” in stock.
“No” she said.
I went to a bookshop and said “Can you direct me to the Self Help Section?”
The assistant said ‘No.”
I went to the bookshop in town and asked the girl on the counter if they had “Dealing With Recurring Disappointment” in stock.
“No” she said.
Again.
This always goes down well.
Man rushes into his boss’s office and says, ‘Can I use your Dictaphone?’
Boss says, ‘No, use your finger like everybody else.’
I enjoy a good joke, but for some reason only two have ever stuck in my brain.
One, which is far too long to tell here, involves a young man visiting the laziest family in the world (the punchline is “Then the dad says, ‘To hell with that, I’ll do the washing up!'”). The other is about a monkey that survives a coach accident, but it involves a lot of physical gestures and doesn’t work when written down.
Every other joke I’ve heard has completely faded from my memory. Clearly I have a very peculiar brain, and I’m amazed at comics – Tim Vine, say – who can recall hundreds of actual jokes. Telling a funny story is something different. To be able to make joke after joke after joke must be a real gift.
A man answers his front door to find a policeman there…
Policeman- Good evening sir. I’m very sorry to tell you that it looks like your wife’s been hit by a bus.
Man – Yeah, I know but she’s great with the kids.
That’s a great one.
Arf
One of John Cooper Clarke’s favourites.
What’s the difference between American beer and making love in a boat?
Not a lot: they’re both ****ing close to water.
A skeleton walks into a bar, “A pint of lager and a mop please”.
Those ancient Sumerians sure knew a rib-tickler when they heard one.
“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”
The way I heard it was 🔺🔻🔺🔺🔻🔺🔻🔻🔻🔻🔺🔻🔺🔺🔺🔻
The best band members’ joke ever:
“What happened when the drummer locked his keys in the car?
They had to break a window to get the bass player out.”
(Best told in the presence of both aforementioned rhythm section members.)
In the version I heard, the lead guitarist locked his keys in the car and the bass player had to break a window to let the drummer out.
The thing is, @Mike_H, most band jokes are directed at the drummer. (Unfairly IMHO, because this guitarist is in awe of the drummer’s ability to co-ordinate all four limbs doing different things at the same time.)
Their brains are wired differently.
You will note that the guitarist doesn’t come out of my version very well.
Bass players are generally (but not always) the sanest in the band.
Steady root note plodders you see.
What’s the difference between a drummer and a chiropodist? A chiropodist bucks up the feet.
My fave drummer gag: did you hear about the suicidal drummer who threw himself behind a train…
What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the arrangement into a drum machine once.
How do you make a duck sing the blues?
Put it in the oven until it’s Bill Withers.
A friend of mine recently sold hie entire collection of John Lennon music and memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the Paypal
I told my wife I thought she used too much Botox.
She didn’t look surprised.
I mistakenly passed my wife a glue stick when she asked for a lipstick.
She’s still not talking to me.
The Aristocrats!
Seconded
My wife called me. Said she was in Casualty.
I went home, put the TV on and watched 3 episodes.
Didn’t see her once.
I asked the librarian if they had a single book about Pavlov’s Dog and Schrodinger’s Cat.
She said it rang a bell, but wasn’t sure if it actually existed.
Latest Football Scores:
Real Madrid – 3
Surreal Madrid – Fish
What’s pink and wrinkly and hangs out my Grandad’s pyjamas?
My Grandma.
*MERRIMENT OVERLOAD*
What’s pink and hard first thing in the morning?
The Financial Times crossword.
STOP IT! MY SIDES!
What did St Patrick say as he drove the snakes out of Ireland?
‘Are youse snakes alright in the back?’
A woman went to the doctor and said I’m having trouble with my aviaries. Doctor said don’t you mean your ovaries. She said no, definitely my aviaries. She pulls up her frock. Doctor says ah yes, I can see you’ve had a cockatoo up there. Thank you.
Chap goes to an optician and sits down at the table, doesn’t say a word but reaches down into a large Gladstone bag and produces from it a beautiful walnut box inlaid with mother -of -pearl and about two foot long and eight inches wide and deep.
Sliding it across the table to the optician he gestures at the gold clasp and nods that the optician can open it.
Opening the clasp and lifting the lid there on red velvet is the largest turd the optician has ever seen. He looks at the turd, looks up at the man and then back to the turd.
“Well it’s certainly impressive, beautifully presented and quite the largest turd I have ever seen. But I’m an optician so why have you brought me this?”
“Well every time I do one of those my eyes water.”
I’ll be telling this at The Husbands Club on Tuesday. Thank you.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains the preferred option.
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says , “I’m a type O”.
Up
Took me a while
That moment you realise that rabbits can’t talk!
“… an’ if yer get knackered, like, we’ll pull you off at half time.”
“Ooh! We only got an orange at United.”
Two parrots are sat on a perch.
One says to the other ‘Can you smell fish?”
You can have a cracker for that one Unc.
One snowman to another snowman: “Can you smell carrot?”
One hippo to another: “I keep thinking it’s Tuesday.”
Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other “do you know how to drive this thing?”
What’s black and white and hides in caves?
A zebra that owes money.
What do you call a male actor with three pieces of wood on his head?
Edward Woodward.
A celebrated Brass Section joke:
What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
With a bull, the horns are at the front and the arsehole’s at the back.
A man goes to his doctor for a check up. The doctor says, “Mr. Wilson, you must stop masturbating.”
Mr. Wilson replies, “why.”
The doctor says, “because I’m trying to examine you.”
“I’m afraid you have cancer.”
“I want a second opinion.”
“You’re ugly.”
*********
“Big breaths.”
“Yeth, and I’m only thickthteen.”
I feel we’re straying a little from “greatest joke ever told” into “any joke I can remember”, but that’s okay.
That second one was a Southend seafront fave.
Who was purple and ruled the world?
Alexander the Grape
The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologises and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”
The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
“What seems to be the problem, sir?”
“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”
The manager glances down and and says “I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”
A joke made all the more joyful by the fact that the punchline appeared trumpeting over the horizon the moment the first line was read.
If anything, it could only be improved by several more paragraphs of contemplating buzzing sounds and postponing dialogue.
You are Frank Muir or Denis Norden and I claim my free Feghoot.
U2 concert in Glasgow. Bono asks for silence. Every 10 seconds he claps his hands.
“Every time I do that, a child in Africa dies” says Bono.
A cry from the crowd – “Then stop clapping your fucking hands, ye evil bastard!”
Along with the Pia Zadora play where she was playing (badly) Anne Frank. As the nazi’s entered the house someone in the audience shouted “she’s in the attic”
and Mike and Bernie Winters at the Glasgow Empire
‘If you hadn’t been comedians,’ Morecambe & Wise were asked, ‘what would you have been?’ Eric Morecambe, without missing a beat, answered: ‘Mike and Bernie Winters’.
A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman “I’d like a ……………………….. pint of lager please”.
The barman says “Why the big pause?”
The bear says “Well, I’ve always had ’em.”
Variation: A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman “I’d like a pint of lager please”.
The barman says “Why the long face?”
Also, a camel walks into a bar and asks for a pint of larger. The barman says ‘I’m sorry sir, we don’t serve camels here.’ The camel looks down the bar and spots two other camels enjoying their pints. ‘What about them?’ he says to the barman. ‘Ah yes,’ replies the barman ‘but they were here before the joke began.’
(There’s more…)
Eventually the barman agrees to serve the camel a pint. ‘That’ll be £25 please sir’ he says to the camel. The camel, feeling awkward, pays up and then tries to engage the barman in conversation. ‘Do you get many camels in here then?’ he asks. ‘Not really sir, no’ replies the barman. ‘Well,’ says the camel, ‘I’m not surprised at these bloody prices’.
A white horse walks into a bar and asks the bartender:
“What whiskies do you stock?”.
“Well,” says the bartender, “we’ve got Jameson, Jack Daniel’s, Jim Beam, Johnny Walker… we’ve even got one named after you!”
“What, Eric?”
Can you add the punch line? And how does the horse know the bartender’s name is Eric?
No, she went of her own accord.
He doesn’t. He thinks the white horse’s name is Glen Fiddich.
I heard it in about 1979 and the horse’s name was Colin then.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
Take it to the pub however…
These horses do like their drink, don’t they.
A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks “how?”
A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here”
A man calls round to his neighbours house and a woman answers the door. She’s crying and is joined by her daughter who consoles her. The man asks if everything is okay. The daughter tells him that her father had suffered a heart attack in the night, and he has died. There is a pause and then the man says, “Did he mention anything about a tin of yellow paint?”
Best told by Tommy Cooper, in the first person.
The greatest.
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
I’ve read all of Stephen King’s books.
The hardest part was getting in and out of his house undetected.
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a
clinic to donate blood.
The nurse asked the rabbit: “What’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a Type 0”, said the rabbit.
Surely that’s only the second greatest joke ever
What’s grey and comes in pints?
An elephant …
A mouse in a tankard.
I used to date a girl who identified as a wheelie bin.
It couldn’t last, she’d only let me take her out on Wednesday mornings.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
No! You’re a poo!
The famous (in Australia) frog joke told by former Australian test spinner and witty commentator Kerry O’Keefe
This may well be The Greatest Joke Of All Time, made even funnier by the interruptions.
Excellent
Similar in a way to this one:
A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Gervaise, and says ‘I want that squid there’, pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Gervaise says, ‘but that’s my favourite, I don’t want to kill it, it’s so
mild and friendly’. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can’t. Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can’t kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Gervaise has an idea, and says ‘OK, I’ll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he’s a tough guy, he’ll be able to kill it’. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can’t kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they’re really sorry and he can’t eat it.
The moral of the story?… ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
This too is excellent, but the bizarre and tragic note it strikes, and the fears raised for the friendly amphibian, work against the mirth.
Point of order but a squid is not an amphibian but a member of Cephalopoda and therefore a mollusc.
I think the argument that this particular squid spends so much time out of the water he qualifies as amphibian is at least as valid as the one that posits the possibility of a ‘tache on its upper lip, a detail which for me propels the narrative into both farce and horror.
Ray Winstone.
“Vintage”
Indeed
roflolroflmfaolol
Football match. Empty seat between two men. First man leans across, “Amazed there’s an empty seat at the Cup Final”. Second man goes, “It’s the wife’s, only she died.” “Oh, sorry to hear that. Wasn’t there a friend or relative you could have given the ticket to?” “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
My dog has nose
How dies it smell?
He can’t. He hasn’t got a nose
Cheersh!!!
Ey … I got one .. lishen … there was this bloke, right, an’ … thish bloke, shee, ‘e …
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats …
This is perhaps the best joke teller, if not the best ever joke
One of the bonus tracks on the 1997 CD re-issue of the 1954 album Louis Armstrong Plays W.C. Handy features Louis Armstrong tell the same joke.
A woman is at the church for her husband’s funeral. After reading the eulogy she goes back and sits down. A bloke sitting behind her leans forward and asks “Do you mind if I say a word?” She says “No. Please do”. The bloke stands up, clears his throat and says “Plethora “. He sits down again. The wife turns to him and says “Thank you. That means a lot”
Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a word too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that means a great deal.”
Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Earth.” The widow replies, “Thank you, that means the world.”
Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Being alive.” The widow replies, “Thank you, he would have liked that.”
Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Infinity” . The widow replies, “Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine.”
Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Fhqwhgads”. The widow replies: “Thanks, you don’t know what that means.”
Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.”
Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “water pit”. The widow replies: “Thanks, I know you mean well.”
Another man approaches the widow and says: “I’m truly sorry for your loss, he was a great man.” The widow replies: “I’m not sure you understand what’s happening here.”
*town hall by-election applause*
I’d be more a fan of a scripted joke than a gag.
Example: the live action Scooby Doo movie
the barman answers the phone, looks up and hollers “Phone call for Mister Doo!”
A guy stands up and says “Melvin Doo?”
The barman says “Nah, Scooby..”
There’s a live action Scooby Doo movie, and you’ve seen it? What a time to be alive.
I have related a couple of jokes here many times. One is about the duck who is a plasterer and the other is about an Englishman an Australian and an Irishman who find the Pope dead on a trip to the Vatican.
Do i need to tell them again?
Yes, please
Yes go on do tell Mousey.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
“Hang on! You’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
“And you can talk” !!
Exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working, too,”
Says the duck.
“Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly, sorry about that,”
Says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint.
“It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” Explains the duck.
“I’m a plasterer.”
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
“You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
“Sounds marvellous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
“Get him to give me a call.”
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
“Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
“I’m always looking for the next job,”
Says the duck.
“Where is it?”
“At the circus,”
Says the barman.
“The circus?”
Repeats the duck.
“That’s right,”
Replies the barman.
“The circus?”
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?”
“Yeah,” the barman replies.
“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies.
“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
“What the hell would they want with a plasterer” ???
Ah. You must have been the origin of the wonderful “duck walks into a bar” joke which has since become something of a signature joke for me, to my bemused and frankly humourless family and friends. Please do tell it again
Mousey’s in a sulk.
A Max Boyce cracker:
A rugby club, as part of their Murrayfield trip, visit a whisky distillery. Sadly, one of their number falls into a whiskey vat from the gantry and drowns.
At the funeral, the vicar says ‘A terrible business, Dai going like that. Tell me, did he suffer much?’
‘No’, says his mate ‘He got out three times for a piss…’
Two lions wearing a clown. One says ‘Does this taste funny to you?’
Eh? Wearing a clown?
Two lions wearing a crown. One says “Look! I’m the King of the jungle!” and the other says “I think I’m in the wrong joke”
The tick on his back says “I think you’ll find lions don’t live in the jungle, but out on the savannah”
– he was a pedantick..
The other says “Shut up and pour me some more Chianti. You’ve got fava beans in your beard”.
Native American tribal leader places his ear to the ground.
With his many years of wisdom he says assuredly “Buffalo come”
I asked, “How can you tell?”
“Face sticky”
Surely the problem with creating the greatest joke in the world is getting anyone to believe that you created it, after it’s been around the world a few times.
I’d be distressed if I found out the contributions to this thread were unoriginal.
Danny Baker thinks these 2 are the greatest jokes ever