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  1. Courtesy of Shane Kirk, over on FB:

    “Whenever I’m at the gentlemen’s groomer’s I like to read 19th century French novelists.”

    “Balzac?”

    “No, I’m just having my eyebrows done”.

  4. I went to see a Polish Pink Floyd tribute band.

    It was much cheaper, and they had The Wall done in half the time.

    (Can I just add that my girlfriend is Polish and she thought it was funny)

  9. Me: “I can’t seem to keep a steady girlfriend”
    Counsellor: “Do you know the symptoms of relationship phobia?”
    Me: “Can’t say I do”
    Yer man: “That’s one of them”

  21. These are all too short. Here’s a longer one (copied and pasted from elsewhere):

    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
    The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”
    “I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
    “And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.
    “I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
    “Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”
    “I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”
    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
    The same thing happens for two weeks.
    Then one day the circus comes to town.
    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
    “Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”
    So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
    “I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”
    “At the circus,” says the barman.
    “The circus?” repeats the duck.
    “That’s right,” replies the barman.
    “The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big TENT?”
    “Yeah,” the barman replies.
    “With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?” says the duck.
    “Of course,” the barman replies.
    “And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
    “That’s right!” says the barman.
    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..

    “What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??

  22. The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup. I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”

  23. My neighbour was shouting and banging the wall at 4:30 this morning.
    Luckily I was still up playing music.
    “Can we please have a little respect!” he cried.
    “Sorry, never been a fan of Erasue. Will Depeche Mode do?”

  25. Two old fellers in a library, one says to the other ‘Have you read Marx?’
    The other one says ‘Yeah, I think it comes from sitting in these wicker chairs too long’

    • First heard that on Whacko!, starring Professor Jimmy Edwards.

      Mouthy schoolboy: Sir, have you read Marx?
      Jim: You’ll have red marks when I’ve finished with you, boy.

      Hard to imagine a sitcom set in a minor public school in which the head wanders around flexing his cane and scrounging money off the boys nowadays…

  28. Churchwarden having a private talk with the Vicar . “On my way home last night, as I was crossing the railway I saw a beautiful young woman tied across the tracks. Naturally, I rushed to help her.”
    “Very commendable.”
    “I carried her in my arms to the safety of the grassy verge, but in so doing felt a strong masculine temptation rise in my loins.”
    “You resisted, of course.”
    “I’m afraid I did not, Vicar. I took her acceptance of my caresses, initially intended to comfort, as encouragement, and I carried through my base impulses to their inevitable and shameful conclusion.”
    “Perhaps you complied with her wishes. Was there a look of gratitude, perhaps even pleasure, on her face?”
    “I don’t know, Vicar. I never found the head.”

    WARNING: THE FOLLOWING JOKE IS IN POOR TASTE AND MAY CAUSE OFFENCE

  29. I got so fed up with my neighbour bashing away on his drum kit all night, that I called the Police.
    They fined him 500 quid! When he objected, they told him to take it up with me, as I was the one who complained!

    I’m really worried about repercussions.

  30. My favourite joke ever.

    A man plagued with premature ejaculation seeks professional help.

    The specialist says, “What you must do when you’re engaged in the act of love, is imagine yourself in a high-class restaurant having an expensive meal. Order three courses, and as each comes imagine yourself eating it with great pleasure and satisfaction, spinning the meal out as long as you can. That’ll do the trick.”

    So the next time he has sex the man puts the plan into practice. Concentrating hard, he imagines himself in the restaurant, saying to the waiter: “I’ll have a dozen oysters, please…andacupofcoffeeandthebill.”

  31. This is a visual one so you’ll have to use your imagination.

    What’s this? (Flapping both arms)
    Now, what’s this? (Flapping one arm with the other tucked in)

    A seagull coming back from the library.

  32. A farmer catches a chap poaching rabbits in his field. He approaches the chap and as he gets closer he’s shocked to see it’s the local vicar
    Farmer “I’m surprised to see you out here poaching father”
    Vicar “Well, times have been tight and I just wanted a little something for my tea”
    Farmer “Well, look at your bag you’ve got dozens of them”
    Vicar “well, it’s this scent you see, it attracts them like nobodys business”
    Farmer “what scent is that then?”
    Vicar (sheepishly) “well, and I know this is bad, but if I have a rummage around in a womens undergarments I find that the rabbits can’t resist the scent on my hands”
    Farmer “you dirty bastard, away with you!”

    So, off goes the vicar but the farmers curiosity gets the better of him. He heads back to the farmhouse. As he enters the kitchen he sees his wife bending down to put a pie in the oven. “Alright, let’s give this a try” he says and he shoves his hand up her skirts.
    Without looking round she says “morning vicar, going poaching again?”

  35. Simon was a respected guitarist on the local pub rock scene and had started to gain a reasonable following with his band, that also included some of his extended family. After a gig one night, he was driving back with his uncle and they were involved in a terrible accident. His uncle was killed outright but Simon survived, albeit with the loss of both legs.

    On coming round in hospital the next day, the doctors broke the news of his uncles demise and his injuries, but stated that they had managed to get the body parts from his uncle into ice storage pretty quickly and that there was a possibility that his uncles legs could be grafted onto Simon.

    After a successful operation and many months of rehabilitation, Simon was keen to get back to music and perform, especially to honour the memory of his deceased family member. So that night, appearing at the local pub was the first performance of Simon and Half Uncle……..

  36. An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.

    Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

    “Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.”

    They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied. They go back to the rabbi.

    “Okay,” says the rabbi, “let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.”

    Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

    ”There you go Sonny”, says the old man triumphantly, ” THAT’S the way you wave a fucking towel!”

  38. “I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, ‘I would do anything for love’ and on the back it said ‘but I won’t do that.'” – Sarah Millican

  39. Someone at work was doing a crossword & I looked over his shoulder to see how he was getting on.

    For 7 across he had written in TOAST.

    When I looked at the clue it said “To egg on”…

  40. A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says. “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle. and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
    Her neighbour asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
    The little silver-haired lady says. “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
    Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
    He studies the pieces for a moment. then looks at the box, then turns to her and says.
    First of all. No matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster,”
    He takes her hand and says, “Secondly. I want you to relax.
    Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh ……….. .
    “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

  47. Gorilla walks into a bar and orders a pint. Barmaid hands him his pint and says “That’ll be ten pounds, please.”

    The gorilla hands over a twenty pound note. The barmaid hands him his change and says “We don’t see many gorillas in here these days.”

    The gorilla says “at ten quid a pint, I’m not bloody surprised.”

    • There’s more….the gorilla looks down the bar and sees another gorilla nursing a pint. On asking he discovers that gorilla had only paid £5 for their pint so our gorilla complains to the barmaid who says ‘Ah yes but that gorilla was here before this joke began.’

  48. It’s 1944 – a painfully thin,, bald and exhausted man arrives in heaven wearing only the striped pyjamas issued by a Nazi concentration camp.

    God says “you poor, poor man… please enter”.
    Man (cheerfully) – “Actually, I’ll be honest – it wasn’t THAT bad ! Who needs food or a wife and family anyway? Am I right? You’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?”

    God – “I don’t find it funny at all!”

    Man – “Oh.” He pauses – his expression changes abruptly from jollity to a severe frown.
    “I guess you had to be there…”

  49. A man is walking down the road, totally skint & silently cursing his bad luck.

    He notices something shiny catch his eye on the pavement, bends down to look & sees that it’s a £2 coin, he picks it up & thinks to himself this is my lucky day.

    He goes into a newsagent & decides to buy a scratch card & unbelievably he wins £50.

    Thinking to himself maybe my luck is turning, he decides to celebrate by having a drink.

    In the pub he watches the fruit machine so he walks over to try his luck & he wins the £500 jackpot.

    After a few more drinks he gets peckish he goes to the local curry house.

    The waitress is an attractive young girl, dressed in a Sari style dress, hair up & a dark red bindi on her forehead.

    She takes his order then says to him that he looks very happy, so he tells her about his run of good luck.

    She says, play your cards right & you could get lucky with me.

    He cannot believe what a lucky day he is having, he eats his food & they go to his place & shag themselves senseless.

    They both nod off to sleep afterwards, he wakes first & as he looks at her he notices that the bindi on her forehead has lifted at the edge.

    He gently gets his nail under it & pulls it away.

    Underneath it says “You have won a car”…

  51. These days I’m having trouble distinguishing between ’80s music and ’90s music.
    Can’t tell my A-Ha’s from my Elbow.

    News just in that a truck full of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus has overturned on the M25, spilling it’s entire load.
    Witnesses are reported to be stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless and perplexed.

  53. Engineer jokes are much overlooked.

    An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and an IT engineer are driving along in a car and it stalls and grinds to a halt.

    The electrical engineer says ‘It’ll be the spark plugs’. He takes them out, cleans them with his wire brush but … no joy.
    The mechanical engineer says ‘We’ve flooded the carburettor. Be patient. Let it drain for a few minutes, then try again.’ Na da.
    The IT engineer says ‘Tell you what, let’s all get out of the car and get back in again and see whether it starts.’

      • An architect, an artist and an engineer are in the pub discussing relationships.
        The architect says “I prefer to take a wife. A marriage is a firm foundation. What you build on it will last you a lifetime.”
        “No” says the artist, “I prefer to take a mistress for the romance, the intrigue, the forbidden fruit.”
        The engineer says, “I like to have a wife and a mistress. The wife thinks I’m with the mistress; the mistress things I’m with the wife; so I’m free to get down the plant and get some work done.”
        Well, my sister-in-law appreciates it.

  54. A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
    On her way home, she stops at to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the assistant, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
    ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
    ‘No! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
    A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
    The girl replies, ‘I’d say about 29.’‘No, I’m 50.’ the woman replies with a big smile.
    Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a another shop on her way home. She goes up to the counter to and asks the assistant the same burning question. The assistant responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.He replies, ‘Madam, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘Oh bugger it, go on then”
    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
    ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

  63. London Transport’s new high-speed passenger transit system between tube platforms has come under fire by critics since its launch yesterday. News just in is that The Queen has angrily declared the cost of the improvements disgusting, demanding the death penalty for those responsible.

    Well, that escalated quickly.

    • Almost identically: A few years ago the local Conservative councillor put a leaflet through our door. He left the gate open. Mrs Moose remarked that he probably thinks that our gate can pull itself up by its bootstraps and damn well close itself.

  67. How many unicyclists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Just one.

    How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Fish.

    How many Afterworders does it take to change a light bulb?
    Just one to hold the bulb while the world revolves around them.

  68. I met Captain Sensible the other day.

    He has had legal IP problems over his recent solo work. Anything he does under the Captain Sensible name (or even with other people) is required to be officially credited to the band that first made his name.

    BUT as a “quid pro quo” if there is anything done by the band without him, he gets royalties but he is required to publicise the songs along with the other band members.

    So when I asked him if he’s going to record new stuff – he said he’s Damned if he does and Damned if he doesn’t!

  69. You know when you’re on the toilet and you realise there’s no bog paper, so you have to waddle off with your pants round your ankles to get a new roll?
    I’m nearly at Tesco.

  71. A mother and her young son are walking on the beach. Suddenly, a massive freak wave breaks over them and sweeps the little boy out to sea.

    The mother’s beside herself. She falls to her knees and says, “Oh lord, please, I beg you, return my little boy to me, he’s all I’ve got in the world I swear, I’ll pray five times a day for the rest of my life, just please please let him be ok, I’ll do anything.”

    There’s a minute of silence, and then another freak wave sweeps ashore and deposits the boy, alive and well, at his mother’s feet.

    “Oh lord, thank you thank you thank you,” she cries. “But just one more thing: he had a hat.”

  72. My friend stuffed a courgette down his swimming trunks before he went in the pool. He was beating the ladies off with a stick afterwards.

    I went for a swim yesterday but, when I did the same, they all screamed and got out of the pool.

    Apparently, you’re supposed to put it down the front of your trunks.

  74. I went to a fancy dress party last week as a smurf. I wanted to do it properly so hired a professional consultant. The costume she provided was excellent but when I asked about makeup she said it wasn’t necessary and really didn’t matter. I disagreed strongly and, eventually, I got my way.

    That’s right ladies and gentlemen – I argued until I was blue in the face.

  76. This news story about stray dogs with brightly coloured fur appearing all over Russia brings to mind something that’s been happening for a long time in the far north of Canada.

    For tourism reasons, local authorities have been capturing brown bears and dyeing the fur white. Half the residents think this is appalling and the other half think it’s a great idea.

    It’s a polarising issue.

    https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-56129464

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