The Afterword

Musings on the byways of popular culture

Menu

Navigation

That thing you do!

by 147 Comments

Not sure if this is a-beckoning tumbleweed or opening flood gates to a tsunami of silliness but I want to know about the things you do. The stupid things you do – as a ritual.

My mum and dad had unfathomable sayings from long-forgotten northern comedians of the 30s and 40s – triggered by mundane events. I realised recently that this is something I do too, but of course with more bang up to date and modern references. So they did it – and I do it – ergo it must be something we all do. Right, pals?

If the name Geoffrey crosses my path, I will blurt out “Geoffreeee” in the style of George, the pink hippo (?) in TV’s Rainbow show from the 1970s. Or, if I am feeling brave, I bring out my inner Zippy. I’m good at both of those voices, if I say so myself. I’m not a monster though, if I actually meet a Geoffrey – this is internalised (but I still do it). It has no bearing on my respect for the Geoffrey in question.

I know – I’m bonkers, eh? But I know that this is nothing – nothing – compared » Continue Reading.

Unlikely Sources of Great Advice

by 37 Comments

In the workplace, I have just employed a cynical tactic that I first learned on Jimmy Nail’s Crocodile Shoes. Let me explain:

Jimmy and his Agent (I think) are listening to Jimmy’s demo tape which is to be played to Rick Spangle, head of FAB Records. Jimmy’s not at all happy. “Where’s the sax break gone? It’s crying out for it!”. The Agent says he took it out on purpose – and Jimmy is perplexed – for it is obvious to him that it should be there. The Agent asks Jimmy to trust him on this one.

Later we see them playing the tape to Spangle. Spangle says it’s a good song – but he thinks there should be a sax break. The Agent initially bristles, but then pretends to consider this…and then pretends to warm to the idea…and then he gets excited – “something like (murmurs the tune of the sax break that was taken out)…?” Spangle says “Exactly!”

A bit later, the real version is played and Agent is open-mouthed in wonder. Agent says to Spangle – “you really do know how sprinkle magic dust don’t you?” Spangle – “what can I say? I guess I was » Continue Reading.

Other “Late Period” masterpieces

by 47 Comments

I’ve been a bit of a parasite lately, just nicking other OP titles and then creating an alternative oh-so-hilarious sideways view like some unfunny columnist in a Sunday paper or Punch. But judging from some of the letters I have been receiving, it seems you love it.

In this case, a similar thought process happened “what if, right, a late period masterpreice referred to menstraution rather than a period of time in a band’s career…?” and I thought, actually, genuinely, the subject matter was well worth a thread of its own. Not just a silly joke.

The subject matter then is unplanned pregnancy. I am sure this has been covered in many pop songs – Billy Idol’s White Wedding, for example, but I think that’s a tum-te-tum pop song. I am looking for masterpieces.

Really good songs like my example here, the unmentioned embarrassiment that Madness are singing about. I have always assumed it’s about being up the duff. Yet – on reading the lyric, the only clue is the mother saying “I thought she had her head on her shoulder – I’m feeling twice as older”. That’s the kind of line that makes me want to stand » Continue Reading.

One Minute Wonders

by 51 Comments

In a cafe eating lunch and listening to FAB FM all the hits all the time (apart from the ads) from the 70s/80s/90s.

Probably the most played, most well known pop song of our time comes on …

# so no-one told you Life was gonna be this way Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s DOA… #

You know the rest. But actually you probably only know the first verse and the first chorus.

Can you picture the ever-likeable David Schwimmer sort of running in slow motion in a fountain? He’s great isn’t he?

Yes it’s the opening credits for Friends. The song was made for it so, by definition, it can’t have a two minute swirling adoc. Another Girl, Anothet Planet? No. It’s got to arrive, pull down its song pants quickly and get busy

The result is that you have a song where it’s basically all over in one minute. I have just listened to the final two minutes and I can tell you nothing new happens- the song only needs to be a minute long.

Is this just TV themes? Are there songs that might as well be gone in 60 seconds?

Everyone’s a critic

by 51 Comments

I know that this is a big ask for many of you, but try to turn back the clock and think of what life was like in the 60s/70s/80s. I know! Weird, right? It’s counter-intuitive. This kind of behaviour just doesn’t happen here. The silver-suited future-focussed, jetpack wearing, hover-boarding Massivistos du nos jours will never, ever look back. Always looking forward, chin cocked towards the horizon, eyes darting back and forth, forever searching for the sunrise. That’s us.

But, please, humour me just for a moment. Music critics in the past got all of their stuff for free whereas the rest of us had to pay for it. Buying an album for 5 quid to hear what it’s like is simply not done now. We *all* get to hear everything for free. In my teenage years, I was earning after tax about 50 quid a week. A few records and a gig or two was quite a financial commitment and I sometimes put in a lot of work to like something because I didn’t want to feel like I had wasted my time and money.

This kind of invested music appreciation is different to the record critic, who is » Continue Reading.

ATM – how do vocalists remember all the words in a live show?

by 56 Comments

I have an enormous amount of respect for anyone that goes out on stage to perform. Whether it be Kev from “Big” “Fun” or Sir Elton of John. It takes a special kind of courage that most of us simply don’t have, unless pissed.

After a while, though, I expect it gets easier. I recall a comment from Neil Tennant when asked if he wanted a prompting service for lyrics while he performs live. He said with a degree of withering sarcasm, “I am familiar with the words to my songs”.

But is that true of everyone? What about people like Beebs, Timberlake, Grande? Their songs seem to be quite similar with mostly similar themes. I don’t think they have sweated over the lyrics in a subterranean studio for two months. Ariana Grande. during that quite brilliant Manchester show last summer, came on a few times in casual mode and belted out a couple of forgettable numbers – she never sung the wrong words, or came in at the wrong time.

This may be common knowledge but do they have have a “prompt” in their ear? I have heard of a vocal track for the singer. Can someone explain?

Mundane Bargains!

by 18 Comments

The keyboard with my office computer needed replacing a few months ago. My new one is a revelation – all the keys work, it’s nice and clean, shiny and smooth. A joy to use. But do you know what the best thing about it is? It cost four (four) NZ dollars. That’s about two quid in real money! It was brand new, in a box and everything, part of a range of products united by a grimly monochromatic brand called “Necessities”

I was fully expecting it to snap/buckle/melt/burst into flames instantly – but it’s fine. Things like this really cheer me up.

I accept that this is not the most exciting of entries on the Afterword…yet I strongly believe that if you experience enough small victories, this can help keep your chin up long term. So let’s collect them all up and together move forward with Britain.

Immersion aversion – or confessions of a musical lightweight

by 20 Comments

Recent threads about James and Kate Bush reveal something we know is always there, the music fan’s wilful swerving to avoid hit singles when someone asks about a “favourite song”.

What’s your favourite Joe Dolce song? Obviously, it’s going to be “If you want to be happy!”

I don’t think this is snobbery – I think it’s more the way people listen to music. Geoffrey Palmer’s character in Butterflies would be in a dark room listening to Gregorian Chant for hours on end. That kind of immersion is something I have never experienced, or aspired to experience. I love listening to albums but, frankly, the patience I have for clunkers/fillers or 20 minutes of mumblin’ and noodlin’ is limited to much less than 20 minutes.

Singles have the bonus of being, erm, singled out by the artist as something the public might like. On many occasions this has propelled me donkey deep into their swamp and before you know it I am wallowing in the slurry of lesser-known album tracks and b-sides, limited editions, prolonged remixes and bonus CD demos. But I don’t want to do that all the time – the swamp can be quicksand. Most of » Continue Reading.

“Paying it Forward” – my arse!

by 50 Comments

Vulpes Vulpes made me smile with his donation offer of a box of old USB cords, motherboards and Plug adapters etc. I have one of those too. Michael McIntyre might want to take note that as well as a “man drawer” most of us also have a box like this. That should see him right for another 5 years of material.

Anyway, that made me think of a recentish thing to get grumpy about! Yay!

We have a local community Facebook site and it can be handy for offloating items that you don’t want any more. Unfortunately, a really awful trend has emerged. Basically people wanting a cyber-medal for giving away their old shit rather than trying to sell them for (say) $20.

One poster recently did a big old spiel about how a few years ago she was in her uppers and how she will always remember those who helped. Inspired by that, she has decided to “pay it forward” and donate surplus Christmas toys to a deserving family, who are struggling and could do with a treat. Reader, we are to send her a message via the comments or a DM – and then she will decide » Continue Reading.

Unexpected pop stars

by 163 Comments

Well blow me down and call me Doris Pipples – just seen Ian Brown out the Stone Roses in a non-speaking role in a Harry Potter film. IMDB confirms it.

The last time I had this feeling was when Gok Wan had a guest fashion consultant appear on one of his shows. She was smiley and lifestyle-TV-gushy-and-keen. It was Brix Smith ! Now known as Brix Smith Start.

My last example is NZ daytime TV a few years ago (perhaps 10). A large, bald British man was in exercise gear, promoting exercise regimes for the bigger-boned. His patter was as sharp and professional as anything you’d see on QVC. It was Buster Bloodvessel!

Ein Klaxon der Propaganda Schauw

by 6 Comments

Claudia Brucken and Susanne Freytag are performing the songs from A Secret Wish in London (The Grange) on March 24 2018.

I feel a real pang for London and the UK generally when things like this come up as it is unlikely to turn into a tour that takes in NZ. But please…* you* go…I’ll be fine.

Is there an ancient story of some kind that can be applied to Brexit?

by 46 Comments

The government finds billions from the magic money tree to buy the confidence and supply of the DUP. Now, they are looking to divorce the EU for $44bn, have NI operate as an EU-remainin’ entity and have the UK otherwise operate outside the EU apart from NI. It solves the problem of the Irish border in the island of Ireland.

But! They wont be able do this without the support of the DUP. And they are saying Hell No! So much for confidence and supply then. More tremendous negotiating there.

It’s unfolding like…like….what? There must be something in the Bible (perhaps near the back) or in Greek mythology that outlines what happens when shoddy, murky deals of convenience are done – only to find that the very people who benefited from the deal are prepared to scupper the whole thing moments later. There are some educated people on here, so I’m hoping there’s someone in the Massive that can help me keep afloat at forthcoming Christmas gatherings with academics, teenagers and the like.

Is it easier to be a music snob on the age of the Internet?

by 18 Comments

There’s another thread going on that has a clip of a funny US sketch where a teacher is berated by about 20 sets of parents for the calibre of the records in the school’s record library.

She defends herself by naming a couple of Clash songs – but they are not the *right* Clash songs and she admits to be not being aware of Neu! and Krautrock generally, to unanimous consternation. Of course the comedy in this sketch is that the music snobs are the majority – when in reality the parent that defends Mike and the Mechanics at the beginning would represent 99% of the group.

Thing is – today, if someone here mentions an obscure act who sound interesting then – thanks to the Internet – moments later I am snapping my fingers, whistling and nodding my head. Or not. In 1977 I may read about Neu! but unless I venture into That London, I am not going to see their records anywhere. A chance hearing on John Peel might happen but the best TV was on during Peel’s show and most of the time, telly will trump the scratchy, tune-free session by Anal Prolapse.

So – » Continue Reading.

Travesties of Justice

by 33 Comments

Please post your songs that were not hit songs but they blimmin well should have been!

My choice is Where the Heart is by Soft Cell. It’s one of their strongest songs but for some reason the kids on the street had decided that their time was up. Although this was technically a hit single, it came after a string of massive hit songs that were permanently on the radio – until this one ushered the lads towards the Dumper.

Unlike many bands, I think the quality of their output remained very high throughout. Around the time of Where the Heart is – the kids said “look at that thing over there”. The pop landscape at the time was a fickle and unforgiving terrain and the game was up for Messrs Almond and Ball, no matter what. Even if they had expunged the existence of a nailed-on classic song like Here Comes the Sun and then released Here Comes the Sun, it wouldn’t have made any difference.

Any songs that deserve a second airing?

https://youtu.be/j9qGUOK0A6Az

England’s chances in the 2018 FIFA World Cup

by 26 Comments

I am a polyanna-type when it comes to England in the World Cup. At each tournament, I imagine an easy procession through the group stages and a few tussles in the last 8 or 4 and for this tournament to be one where we get the rub of the green and it goes our way.

They haven’t really covered themselves in glory in recent tournaments (the last 5) and the 2010 and 2014 ones were also low points, I shouldn’t be expecting much and I am trying not to.

But…but…have you taken on board that England have won both the U20 and U17 World Cup tournaments?

Yesterday’s game was a cracker – 2-0 down and then 5 in the old onion bag in response – against Spain. It’s the stuff of dreams. It won’t be long until these players are mixing it with the big fellas.

But more to the point, the FA seem to be doing things in order to win tournaments. There are surely things which they are doing which are giving England an edge. Will this translate to the EPL Prima Donnas? Dare we hope?

Wikimansplaining

by 61 Comments

I’ve just invented a word – wikimansplaining – this is when someone looks up something online in an attempt to contradict and/or demonstrate, usually to a group, that your powers of recall aren’t quite watertight.

A few weeks ago, a conversation across several people involved me referring to Jeremy Bentham – who died in the 1800s and his body was preserved. It is kept in London somewhere and is brought out on his birthday every year to sit at the head of the table. I wasn’t on Mastermind, so I was flaky on the detail. It didn’t really matter. After the conversation had moved on, one of our number had found out all about him on Wikipedia and was reading out the whole story. I had got some key facts wrong but the whole “vibe” of my story was vague and not at all definitive, peppered with “I thinks” and “possiblies”.

If the gentleman in question had chipped in immediately with – “I happen to know all about this…” and put me right, I would have welcomed that and been impressed. But when someone looks at his phone for a minute, and then reads out the wiki page, as » Continue Reading.

A very New Zealand story

by 17 Comments

An Australian journalist covering the recent change of Primeminister in NZ wonders how to pronounce the PM-elect’s surname. He looks up the NZ government website, phones the office, is asked to hold on for a moment, and then speaks to Jacinda Ardern herself!

He then tweets the story…and Helen Clark, NZ PM from 1999-2008 responds “That’s New Zealand!”.

The return of the NZ-based upside down mini-mingle

by 26 Comments

You may not realise this but The Afterword wraps its bingo-winged, liver-spotted arms all around the world. From the top of Scandanavia where KFD and Locust roam among shiverimg trolls, all the way to Antarctica where Neil Dyson once posted from, where I believe he was on a hunting trip to pick up some delicious baby penguins.

And everywhere in between…. Thaiiland! Vietnam! Vancouver! It doesn’t matter what you wear* – just as long as you are there.

*Just keep it to yourself if you’re flapping around in the buff.

Anyway, after a robust and transparent selection process, TV’s Auckland has been chosen as the Southern Hemisphere venue for the 2017 event. Largely because it’s where me and Nick Duvet live. So we will be there! And there’s every chance that Precious Mackenzie, Bryan Gould and Nyree Dawn Porter will pop in.

Where? The Northern Steamship Company (it’s a pub), Quay Street, Auckland. When? 7:30pm Monday 11th November 2017

The video is a NZ song from the 60s that should be a worldwide well known song but for whatever reason it isn’t. We will be discussing this and many more things on the night.

Previous gatherings have been, shall we » Continue Reading.

It’s “official” – Gary Numan does NOT produce electronic music

by 10 Comments

Gazza’s latest platter “Savage” has done quite well in the charts and although I am not exactly even-handed about St Gary of Numan, I can confirm that it’s triffic so I am not surprised it got to No 2 in the charts.

But what is this news from Billboard? They do not deem it to be an electronic album as such and therefore have not included it in the chart which would have surely delivered him a richly deserved No 1 placing.

Quite rightly, he is surprised by this – confirming that the album is his most electronic since The Pleasure Principle – the one with Cars on it – an album that featured brilliant real drumming on real drums from the late Ced Sharpely, a string section and tinkling pianos. Yet The Pleasure Principle is universally accepted as an electronic classic, establishing the genre itself.

If Gary Numan – Gary Numan! -releases an electronic album then it ruddy well is one. What next? Chas and Dave’s “Knees Up” not listed in the Billboard “Cockney Knees Up” chart and reclassified as Ambient Trance?

https://www.theguardian.com/music/garynuman

Inexplicably emotional songs

by 18 Comments

This is my favourite one off of Depeche Mode’s album and now it has a Corbijn video. Not for the last time, I feel an emotional connection to a song and reflect on the lyric – but as it turns out, the words are not straightforward:

Way up here in the northern lights, Beyond this broken glass, I pictured us in another life, Where we’re all superstars

I put it to you, Mr Gahan, that these are words without real meaning but – dammit – the minor chords (I think) and the sad tone of voice tugs at the heartstrings anyway. He could be singing about his washing up and it’d still get me.

So I’m interested in poignant-sounding songs that have lyrics oblique but they still make your peepers leak.