The Afterword

Musings on the byways of popular culture

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The men behind the glass

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Recording studios, eh? A total mystery to most of us – but there are people like Arthur Baker, Shep Pettibone, Bobby O, Trevor Horn, Flood, William Orbit, Tony Visconti, Mike Thorne, Quincy Jones, George Martin, Daniel Miller, Phil Spector – who can polish the grimiest of turds and turn them into shining jewels of pop perfection. These are the record producers – the men who are nodded at by performers when a “take” sounds good in their “cans”.

Have you noticed something, readers? Not a lot (if any) vaginas are there? Female singers, musicians and songwriters are certainly evident in pop generally – but apart from Kate Bush I can’t think of a single female pop song producer. Have I misogynistiically missed someone obvious?

An optimistic view of the Brexit parliamentary process

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For a couple of years I have suggested that MP’s should have a free vote to proceed with this Brexit process in the House of Commons. As we know, the referendum divided the country. MPs are there to make decisions on our behalf. There are many, many areas where the vote was 50:50. Constituents who disagree with their decisioncan vote them out next time, if they feel strongly enough.

The penny has just dropped that they are sort of now finally doing this.

There is a clear Remain majority in the House and I can’t see them voting for any form of Brexit. I think what is going to happen is that some wording will be invented which will essentially mean Brexit remains the Government’s intention but they are not doing it now cos it’s too hard, er, I mean not in the public interest. It will be revisited at a future General Election if the voters decide that the Brexit process iis something they want to continue.

The PM could have governed this process and have consolidated her position as a leader no matter what the result was. She was never going to bulldoze Brexit through. The » Continue Reading.

Comedy songs

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There was a time when the pop charts had a smattering of songs that were there for comedy reasons. Jilted John, Joe Dolce, John Otway, Barron Knights, Fred Wanklock to name but a few. TOTP would have the comedy performer squeezed between two serious musical acts. They would provide light relief from the weighty subject matter tackled by the more radical political bands that followed punk – your Shakataks, your Liquid Golds and Your Dooleyses.

The genre was big enough to have also-rans who released non-charting comedy songs regularly and probably did OK on the live circuit. Ivor Big Penis (IIRC) was one such act.

Did we actually buy these records? No – we didn’t. It was the civilians. A chance hearing of a funny line or two in “Shuddup ya face” propels them straight to Woolies with their 99p. “I bought that!” they would say down the pub and learn all of the words for the pleasure of the bar staff and the underage drinkers trying to keep a low profile by targeting shit pubs, desperate for custom.

My days of listening to the top 40 rundown are over – I wouldn’t even be surprised if Mark Goodier » Continue Reading.

Artists who don’t like their own songs

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This may seem like an odd thing to write about, but which pop artists go to work reluctantly with a long sigh and trot out what they consider to be claptrap because it pays the bills?

We assume, don’t we, that a person going to the trouble of writing, arranging, recording and performing a song is doing something that they really like – but that’s not always true. John and Paul used to say “let’s write a swimming pool” but you got the feeling that they sort of liked the stuff they were coming up with.

So which artists have painted themselves into a corner? Adele can’t now change to another gear – perhaps belting out John Otway B-sides or hosting dance parties at the O2 with the Venga Boys. She must carry on in the same long-frock-warbly-ballad vein, and she’s not even 30 yet.

I think the obvious answer is Van Morrison. He has obvious musical ability and has written several really good songs. But he hates it – you can tell. You will never see him smile and say “now this song has been very good to me…” and graciously accept applause as he launches with gusto » Continue Reading.

Echoey effects deep in the background of songs

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I am sure that there is an offical word for this kind of thing, but there’s a lot of pop songs around in recent times with a really distant echoey effect swirling around in the background. Towards the end of this Post Malone song, for example. Or a better example is throughout Adele’s Water under the Bridge from a couple of years ago.

My beloved Depeche Mode also employ this on their 2017 song, The Worst Crime and 2009’s Ghost. If that sounds quite pioneering – I have a recollection of Psychic TV using similar tricks in the mid 80s but I can’t place a particular song.

The noise is not exactly the same each time, it just sounds like a distant commotion or voices as if heard in a cave from miles away. Any answers?

Just how stupid are you?

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I am astonished when witnessing people travelling through life not picking up on what I consider to be basic knowledge. The man from Surrey in 1993 who was about 20 years older than me, saying that he had “absolutely no idea” that England had won the World Cup in 1966. He’s more of a rugger fan, you see. Or the young girl who told me that she had seen “Mick Jagger and his band” at Glastonbury. I mean, honestly!

And yet…as my children get older I start to realise I have unforgivable, jaw-dropping blind spots of my own.

To whit the Avengers series of films. I think it involves Captain America and other comic book heroes. Yet I continue to associate the Avengers films with Steed, Emma Peel – and then the new version with Purdy and whoever Gareth Hunt’s character was. I suspect that has nothing to do with it (but I’m not sure…).

I have totally lost track of Batman films – I’d say around the time of Seal singing Kiss to a Rose. The one with all the Prince songs is seen by today’s kids as like Steamboat Willie was to us. And there’s been just the » Continue Reading.

Clueless social media interactions

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Something awful happened in Woking this evening at a fireworks display – seven children seriously hurt when an inflatable slide failed to work properly and they fell thirty feet onto concrete. The fireworks show was cancelled.

The Twitter contribution to this has been indignation over people not getting an immediate refund and then other people angry at the insensitivity of the people who asked about a refund. People getting cross with each other and swearing and whatnot.

I have seen online outrage about the most ridiculous things and it can escalate. Why, even here on the placid, sun-kissed shores of the Afterword we have seen more spats than a comely flapper on the dance floor at a PG Wodehouse Convention after party.

What is it? Why does it happen? Is it because we don’t go to football anymore and shout at the ref in order to release aggression?

Wuthering Heights – Tayla Alexander

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This is a bit thrilling. Tayla is a local girl from our local school here in Auckland. We have seen perform many times over the years and now she’s getting some viral social media cuthrough action (not sure of the vernacular) by singing this version of the Blessed Kate’s first hit single. 730,000 views is pretty good, isn’t it?

Thrilling also is playing it on the TV and then playing the original, My 9 year old daughter is now somewhat smitten by Kate Bush – she has a new fan.

And the trifecta of thrills is complete by me knowing the chap who plays the piano! Why, only last week we had a chat outside my house – he lives around the corner. My oldest daughter feeds his dog when he’s out of town.

This makes me feel a bit better about not knowing Lorde or anyone in her family despite living in the same area for nearly 20 years.

Pioneering songs that you might not have thought were ahead of their time but they actually are

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The Autotune discussion made me think about distorted vocals in songs generally. My thoughts turned to Bob George by Prince. It was on the Black Album and it is a strange, strange thing. I liked it but not enough to play it repeatedly. I found it uncomfortable. Listening to it 30 years later, the cuss words that I used to find “rather near” are everywhere now and I can certainly imagine this song would be 100% OK in the spoken word 2018 releases. It’s actually a great track -not a million miles away from This is America.

I think it’s Prince at his pioneering best and being ahead of the game by decades.

They walk among us…

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In Private Eye, the Colemanballs column features silly things said by sport commentators that have been noticed by readers. Each one printed gets a crisp tenner! This week, one Green Gartside had his suggestion printed. Congratulations, Green!

It made me recall the time I noticed among a thick block of text listing 50 or so winners of a Smash Hits competition (I am estimating this to be around 1982) “D Gahan, Basildon”. And it was indeed the JCGE hitmaker.

Arguably the best one was Mark Hamill out of Star Wars sending in his 45p to enrol in the Dennis the Menace Fan Club! This was noticed (and celebrated) in the following week’s Beano.

So I want hear about other voluntary print media appearances from pop stars. A letter to the Editor from Rick Witter? Perhaps Wattie from The Exploited asked Alan Tichmarsh a gardening question in the Sunday Mirror?

The Non-confrontational Peace and Love thread

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There’s a lot of unseen Afterword maintenance work that goes on while you’re asleep.

From my near-Antarctic location, and to put this into language the layperson can understand, I test the site’s cyber-water each day using coding and algorithms and stuff like that. Most days, at the end of the process, the waters are calm and deliver a neutral chemical balance test result. So much so, I am often left wondering why the mods pay me all this money!

However, this morning I sat down at the computer, took a sip of tea, waggled my little stick and expected nothing much. But Lo! The colour has changed from its usual soothing shade of aqua marine blue to an angry red! My screen is a mess, as you can imagine (because I spat out my tea in surprise).

There have been terse exchanges, cussing, raised eyebrows and at least one flounce all in one tempestuous 24 hour period.

“I cannae hold it, Captain!” I shouted down the hallway in my best Scotty voice. I heard nothing back so I shouted it again – louder this time. Then I remembered I was alone in the house. Fathers Day too.

So » Continue Reading.

Two different vocal lines at the same time

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The Macca thread from @mousey made me revisit a great song of his, Wanderlust – and a particular aspect of it.

There’s a bit at 3:42 where he sings two vocal lines with different lyrics but they combine very sweetly. I find the new, second line overlapping the first deeply clever as it seems to convey a private frustration to counter the straightforward joyfulness of the main melody. A nice square meal.

“Oh where did I…go wrong, my love? What petty crime am I found guilty of?”

Nearly the same trick is in She’s Leaving Home – the words of regret from the parents. Without that part, the song would still be good but those counter melodies and lines turn into the classic song that it is.

Bringing us bang up to date with Soft Cell, Besdsitter has this too. The plaintive new line and melody overlapping the established chorus :

“I’m waiting .., for something…I’m only passing time.”

I hope I’m making myself clear on this but I’m aware I might not be (wouldn’t be the first time). Basically, I’m not just after good vocal harmonies – the songs I am on about are » Continue Reading.

That thing you do!

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Not sure if this is a-beckoning tumbleweed or opening flood gates to a tsunami of silliness but I want to know about the things you do. The stupid things you do – as a ritual.

My mum and dad had unfathomable sayings from long-forgotten northern comedians of the 30s and 40s – triggered by mundane events. I realised recently that this is something I do too, but of course with more bang up to date and modern references. So they did it – and I do it – ergo it must be something we all do. Right, pals?

If the name Geoffrey crosses my path, I will blurt out “Geoffreeee” in the style of George, the pink hippo (?) in TV’s Rainbow show from the 1970s. Or, if I am feeling brave, I bring out my inner Zippy. I’m good at both of those voices, if I say so myself. I’m not a monster though, if I actually meet a Geoffrey – this is internalised (but I still do it). It has no bearing on my respect for the Geoffrey in question.

I know – I’m bonkers, eh? But I know that this is nothing – nothing – compared » Continue Reading.

Unlikely Sources of Great Advice

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In the workplace, I have just employed a cynical tactic that I first learned on Jimmy Nail’s Crocodile Shoes. Let me explain:

Jimmy and his Agent (I think) are listening to Jimmy’s demo tape which is to be played to Rick Spangle, head of FAB Records. Jimmy’s not at all happy. “Where’s the sax break gone? It’s crying out for it!”. The Agent says he took it out on purpose – and Jimmy is perplexed – for it is obvious to him that it should be there. The Agent asks Jimmy to trust him on this one.

Later we see them playing the tape to Spangle. Spangle says it’s a good song – but he thinks there should be a sax break. The Agent initially bristles, but then pretends to consider this…and then pretends to warm to the idea…and then he gets excited – “something like (murmurs the tune of the sax break that was taken out)…?” Spangle says “Exactly!”

A bit later, the real version is played and Agent is open-mouthed in wonder. Agent says to Spangle – “you really do know how sprinkle magic dust don’t you?” Spangle – “what can I say? I guess I was » Continue Reading.

Other “Late Period” masterpieces

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I’ve been a bit of a parasite lately, just nicking other OP titles and then creating an alternative oh-so-hilarious sideways view like some unfunny columnist in a Sunday paper or Punch. But judging from some of the letters I have been receiving, it seems you love it.

In this case, a similar thought process happened “what if, right, a late period masterpreice referred to menstraution rather than a period of time in a band’s career…?” and I thought, actually, genuinely, the subject matter was well worth a thread of its own. Not just a silly joke.

The subject matter then is unplanned pregnancy. I am sure this has been covered in many pop songs – Billy Idol’s White Wedding, for example, but I think that’s a tum-te-tum pop song. I am looking for masterpieces.

Really good songs like my example here, the unmentioned embarrassiment that Madness are singing about. I have always assumed it’s about being up the duff. Yet – on reading the lyric, the only clue is the mother saying “I thought she had her head on her shoulder – I’m feeling twice as older”. That’s the kind of line that makes me want to stand » Continue Reading.

One Minute Wonders

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In a cafe eating lunch and listening to FAB FM all the hits all the time (apart from the ads) from the 70s/80s/90s.

Probably the most played, most well known pop song of our time comes on …

# so no-one told you Life was gonna be this way Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s DOA… #

You know the rest. But actually you probably only know the first verse and the first chorus.

Can you picture the ever-likeable David Schwimmer sort of running in slow motion in a fountain? He’s great isn’t he?

Yes it’s the opening credits for Friends. The song was made for it so, by definition, it can’t have a two minute swirling adoc. Another Girl, Anothet Planet? No. It’s got to arrive, pull down its song pants quickly and get busy

The result is that you have a song where it’s basically all over in one minute. I have just listened to the final two minutes and I can tell you nothing new happens- the song only needs to be a minute long.

Is this just TV themes? Are there songs that might as well be gone in 60 seconds?

Everyone’s a critic

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I know that this is a big ask for many of you, but try to turn back the clock and think of what life was like in the 60s/70s/80s. I know! Weird, right? It’s counter-intuitive. This kind of behaviour just doesn’t happen here. The silver-suited future-focussed, jetpack wearing, hover-boarding Massivistos du nos jours will never, ever look back. Always looking forward, chin cocked towards the horizon, eyes darting back and forth, forever searching for the sunrise. That’s us.

But, please, humour me just for a moment. Music critics in the past got all of their stuff for free whereas the rest of us had to pay for it. Buying an album for 5 quid to hear what it’s like is simply not done now. We *all* get to hear everything for free. In my teenage years, I was earning after tax about 50 quid a week. A few records and a gig or two was quite a financial commitment and I sometimes put in a lot of work to like something because I didn’t want to feel like I had wasted my time and money.

This kind of invested music appreciation is different to the record critic, who is » Continue Reading.

ATM – how do vocalists remember all the words in a live show?

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I have an enormous amount of respect for anyone that goes out on stage to perform. Whether it be Kev from “Big” “Fun” or Sir Elton of John. It takes a special kind of courage that most of us simply don’t have, unless pissed.

After a while, though, I expect it gets easier. I recall a comment from Neil Tennant when asked if he wanted a prompting service for lyrics while he performs live. He said with a degree of withering sarcasm, “I am familiar with the words to my songs”.

But is that true of everyone? What about people like Beebs, Timberlake, Grande? Their songs seem to be quite similar with mostly similar themes. I don’t think they have sweated over the lyrics in a subterranean studio for two months. Ariana Grande. during that quite brilliant Manchester show last summer, came on a few times in casual mode and belted out a couple of forgettable numbers – she never sung the wrong words, or came in at the wrong time.

This may be common knowledge but do they have have a “prompt” in their ear? I have heard of a vocal track for the singer. Can someone explain?

Mundane Bargains!

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The keyboard with my office computer needed replacing a few months ago. My new one is a revelation – all the keys work, it’s nice and clean, shiny and smooth. A joy to use. But do you know what the best thing about it is? It cost four (four) NZ dollars. That’s about two quid in real money! It was brand new, in a box and everything, part of a range of products united by a grimly monochromatic brand called “Necessities”

I was fully expecting it to snap/buckle/melt/burst into flames instantly – but it’s fine. Things like this really cheer me up.

I accept that this is not the most exciting of entries on the Afterword…yet I strongly believe that if you experience enough small victories, this can help keep your chin up long term. So let’s collect them all up and together move forward with Britain.

Immersion aversion – or confessions of a musical lightweight

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Recent threads about James and Kate Bush reveal something we know is always there, the music fan’s wilful swerving to avoid hit singles when someone asks about a “favourite song”.

What’s your favourite Joe Dolce song? Obviously, it’s going to be “If you want to be happy!”

I don’t think this is snobbery – I think it’s more the way people listen to music. Geoffrey Palmer’s character in Butterflies would be in a dark room listening to Gregorian Chant for hours on end. That kind of immersion is something I have never experienced, or aspired to experience. I love listening to albums but, frankly, the patience I have for clunkers/fillers or 20 minutes of mumblin’ and noodlin’ is limited to much less than 20 minutes.

Singles have the bonus of being, erm, singled out by the artist as something the public might like. On many occasions this has propelled me donkey deep into their swamp and before you know it I am wallowing in the slurry of lesser-known album tracks and b-sides, limited editions, prolonged remixes and bonus CD demos. But I don’t want to do that all the time – the swamp can be quicksand. Most of » Continue Reading.

“Paying it Forward” – my arse!

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Vulpes Vulpes made me smile with his donation offer of a box of old USB cords, motherboards and Plug adapters etc. I have one of those too. Michael McIntyre might want to take note that as well as a “man drawer” most of us also have a box like this. That should see him right for another 5 years of material.

Anyway, that made me think of a recentish thing to get grumpy about! Yay!

We have a local community Facebook site and it can be handy for offloating items that you don’t want any more. Unfortunately, a really awful trend has emerged. Basically people wanting a cyber-medal for giving away their old shit rather than trying to sell them for (say) $20.

One poster recently did a big old spiel about how a few years ago she was in her uppers and how she will always remember those who helped. Inspired by that, she has decided to “pay it forward” and donate surplus Christmas toys to a deserving family, who are struggling and could do with a treat. Reader, we are to send her a message via the comments or a DM – and then she will decide » Continue Reading.