My fellow survivors, as we huddle in this underground shelter, sharing a glass of sock strained wee and secretly envying the millions already dead, it seems an opportune moment to ascribe blame to the man most responsible for the recent thermonuclear catastrophe. That man is Stephen Fry. Mr Fry, I think we can all agree, was a clever man: erudite, witty and a delightful recounter of even the most familiar of anecdotes. Alas, what bitter irony that his wonderful evocation, on his QI show, of the extraordinary preservation of the features of the victims of Pompeii in the moment of their demise was ultimately to be echoed by the atomic torch fixing his death shadow to the walls of the BBC building so many centuries later. Of course, by then Fry had quit presenting QI, and why wouldn’t he – his work was done. After more than a decade spent removing pieces from the Jenga tower of our certainties until it tottered, tugging maniacally at the threads that knitted the fluffy jumper of accepted wisdom which had hitherto kept us warm and reassured, he departed like the fleeing farter who is happy to pass on the blame for his flatulent » Continue Reading.
The Deadloss Corporation welcomes you to Afterworld, a safe place where ageing balding geezers going round in circles talking gibberish are indulged, rather than pointed at and mocked the way you are in the outside world. This is only possible because we have a full cast of humanlike cyborgs to attend to your every fantasy. Why not visit our old-style saloon the Aspidistra and Hatstand where you might meet some of our earliest units who we, sentimentally perhaps, still employ in service? At the card table is “Old Bean” a model so basic he can only play poker and drink whiskey and even then only by having his hollow leg regularly drained. At the bar is Dreamdaze (yes “dream” AND “daze”, we were really taking the p*ss with our early models – we spelled out their true nature in their name and still they believe they’re real). In the case of DD a “Millennium Bug”-style programming limitation means he is unable to comprehend anything that happened after December 31 1969. Newer models are more sophisticated and frequently reassigned new identities. Most recently we repurposed “the rough one” from a touring boy band so that he believes he is a hairy » Continue Reading.
That cryptic photo game we’ve been enjoying over there -> has me thinking about how we see or miss things that may or not be put there deliberately for us to notice. As a for instance, because of some browsing I did following Pete Burns’ death, Amazon keeps shoving the album illustrated below in my face. After my first careless glance at the cover I assumed some wit had put the “You spin me right round, baby right round..” hitmaker inside a washing machine. But a proper inspection and the compilation’s title – Sophisticated Boom Box – revealed me to be wrong. But half a beatbox does look quite a bit like a washing machine …so I still have a niggling suspicion my misconception is a deliberate plant by the artist. It made me wonder if there are things you’ve encountered on your travels where you’ve noticed, or thought you noticed, something and have been genuinely unsure whether it was just “in the eye of the beholder” or intended to be seen. The whole subject is a bit of a minefield: the film Room 237 reveals a plethora of clever choices Stanley Kubrick made in filming The Shining, but is » Continue Reading.
The recent news of the retirement of Hannah and Tim as admins reminded me of a little nonsense I posted sometime ago that gave rise to the only time I ever had dealings with either of them. It was Hannah who helped me out.
I’d posted a photo, in which you could clearly see the name of a person and the address at which that person worked. Soon after posting it, it occurred to me there might be a data protection issue and I asked the admins to blitz the post, which Hannah kindly did.
However, as I continue to be amused by this very slight thing and, as I said, was reminded of it the other day, I have decided to resurrect it, but I have done some work on the image, so you can now only make out the name.
So, here goes ….
I went into a [….] shop in [….] and, having bought a number of [….]s, looked at the receipt (see illustration) and, noticing the name of the cashier, thought to myself, “Well, you gotta serve somebody.” and walked out.
I really like natural sounds, me. Sounds that nature makes. Animals. The cow’s moo, the pig’s oink. The mole’s snouty burrowing. And insects! Who has not been enraptured by the mating cry of the ant? And weather! All that whooshing and thundering and pitter-pattering! It’s like a symphony to me. So when I heard Neil was issuing his own nature recordings album I was “naturally” (SWIDT?) elated! Neil has long been a strong proponent of all that is natural. His save-the-world agenda is best shown by the naturally organic wooden box he packs the Pono in, counterbalancing the toxic chemistry used to produce the much-loved music-playing thing, and the shackled Chinese children going blind at the benches as they solder another Pono For Peace must rejoice that the fruit of their labours is housed in sustainable hardwoods. Where was I?
Oh yes. This is Neil’s “field recordings” record. At last! The natural world can be heard in all its glory! Neil has used the finest copyright-free library recordings available (or he may have crawled across a field himself with a boom mic – the results are the same) and kind of mixed them together in a wholly new and some » Continue Reading.
So, it turns out, even though many of us were shot during the last escape, our movie was so successful that Hollywood has demanded a sequel. The German prison camp commander, played by Ming The Merciless (“Are Ve Der Baddies Or Vot?”) has proposed a football match between the allied prisoners and a crack German team to be played in front of Old One Ball himself. I gather this was tried before and included in its cast some of the most respected footballers of all time such as Pelé, Bobby Moore and the 1980 Ipswich Town team. Since Bobby Moore and Pelé are no longer with us (*check this later, but probably fine*) their place will be taken by their closest contemporaries – John Terry and Cristiano Ronaldo. (JT wasn’t actually cast – he heard about lthe film and kept turning up every day in prison camp uniform). As a lot of people know, Michael Caine has shuffled off to that great Wayne Manor in the sky to find out what it’s all about (*again, should be fine*). No one man could replace such a talent, so it’s been decided his part will be played for one half of the » Continue Reading.
The idea is rock n roll puns appropriate to the Carry On films and characters. So the bleedin’ obvious – Limp Bizkit, Jarvis Cocker, Antony And The Johnsons, Basement Jaxx and Trevor Horn – would be a step short, while the usual content of your vulgar minds – Eddie Cockring, Fountains Of W*** etc – would generally be considered over the top for the “gentle smut” Carry On sensibility and should only be posted if they are funny. Here’s a few: Urban Nookie Collective Crumpet Shop Boys Andrew W.C. Jazzie Bidet Arab Jockstrap Iron Matron P Diddles Hall Gets His Oates Buxom Fizz Amy Outhouse Annabella Loo Paper A Bit Of The Other Two Britney’s Pair Pete Burns When I Pee The Goer Team Jilted John Thomas The Lavs Public Convenience Broadcasting
Phew! What an afternoon. After 25 cans of Dimensional Warp™ last night, I woke up this afternoon to find World Of Sport on the telly. With all the channels they have these days I wasn’t so surprised to be watching a seventies tv show, but my DW hangover meant it was peppered with pop stars. Standing in for Dickie Davies as presenter was that geezer out of the Flaming Lips. It was like that thing they do in newspapers when they morph one famous person’s face into another, as you could see Wayne Coyne would gradually transition from Dickie into Des Lynam (Although the blandness of his delivery was somewhat leavened by the man in a bunny rabbit costume firing the silly string gun). We kicked off with David Crosby and Gerry of the Pacemakers being Saint And Greavesie. “It’s time for a super league” said Crosby “Mrs T is the woman to get our Falklands back” he continued “Hello The Noo To Our Friends In Chilly Jocko Land” said the Teach Your Children Hitmaker “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha” said Gerry, laughing so hard you’d fear for his life if you didn’t know he had » Continue Reading.
“It’s clear you’re in your sixties!”
So, no then. What about the rest of the AW? Did it get your age correct?