I read an old Smash Hits singles review page today, from 1984. It was curated by one Roy Hay, one of the people that isn’t Boy George in Culture Club. However, it is notable that he shares in the writing credits for all of their biggest songs and Wikipedia tells me the band have sold 50 million records – so he’s done all right.
In this singles review, he ridicules Depeche Modes’s People Are People for having terrible lyrics about war (“People are People so why should it be…you and I should get along so awfully?”). He’s absolutely right on this, by the way.
But then, a year or so later – he co-pens “The War Song” with the chorus “War is stupid and people are stupid…”.
That’s not the Sliding Doors moment, though. In that review he mentions that when Vince Clarke left, he seriously considered joining Depeche Mode because he knew them because he was a regular at the venues like Crocs and the Pink Toothbrush, where Depeche Mode performed, pre-fame.
Depeche Mode advertised for Vince’s replacement in the music press and found Alan Wilder. The ad said applicants must be no older than 21. Alan was an old codger at 23 but got into the band because he was a very good musician. In the years to come, he became the main reason why Depeche Mode records became so wonderful. He put the the studio hours in, making sure everything was just so. He was an utter genius.
If instead they had brought in Roy Hay, would Depeche Mode have still made it, given they still had Martin Gore’s songs? Also, would Boy George have made it without the band? Culture Club had an exceptional run of great singles.
We will never know, of course. But what other “sliding doors” moments have there been? Was Adam Ant in the running to lead the Goombay Dance Band? Did Mrs Mills once beguile Lou Reed so much that Lou wanted her in the Velvets, but she lost his telephone number? Did Joe Pasquale meet Nick Cave and….(that’s enough stupid scenarios-ed).
Little Feat were formed when Lowell George and Roy Estrada left/were sacked from The Mothers Of Invention. Bill Payne had come up from his home state of Texas with the express intention of becoming a keyboardist with The MOI, but Frank Zappa had disbanded The MOI, retaining Don Preston and Ian Underwood and soon recruiting George Duke via his association with Jean-Luc Ponty. He didn’t need any more keyboard players. Bill met Lowell and Roy and they decided to work together.
If George Duke had remained a freelance jazz player and Bill Payne had got himself a job with Zappa in his place, what would have happened with Lowell and Roy and Little Feat?
When Mr. Mojo Rising slid out his mini-me onstage in Miami
The moment when Stephen Stills looked across (IIRC) Sunset Boulevard and saw the hearse that Neil Young and Bruce Palmer had driven down from Canada in the mid-60s
Of course the biggest one would be what if Paul McCartney had decided to do something else rather than go to the St Peter’s Church Hall Fete in Woolton on 6th July 1957?
That Elton biopic shows how his whole career stems from the serendipity of him being given Bernie Taupin’s envelope of lyrics and not someone else’s. (Imagine if it had been Jasper Carrot’s. Would Funky Moped have had a better tune, I wonder?)
The moment when Floyd could have chosen Pros &Cons of Hitchhiking and sold 500,000 copies but instead chose The Wall and sold 30 million copies.
Rog: We can either do this one, The Wall, all about my, sorry, I mean Pink’s dad dying in the war and how his school was miserable and his mum was overprotective and he became a rock star and a fascist. (Pink, not me.) Or we can do this one, The Pros & Cons of Hitchhiking, about a bloke’s surreal sexy dream of picking up a hitchhiker.
Manager Steve O’Rourke: Er, the sexy dream one sounds like the easier sell. Perhaps we could put a naked picture of a porn star on the cover?
Rog (thinks): Gosh, he’s right…
David: I quite like the one about how Roger’s dysfunctional upbringing led to him becoming a megalomaniacal fascist.
Rog: Excellent! I’ll do the sexy one on my own (I’ll get a proper good guitarist like Page or Clapton in on it) and I’ll begrudgingly say you gave me a hand on the other one, The Wall.
But only if I can sack Rick.
It’s almost like being in the room…
A fly on The Wall in fact…
Very good! 😀
Oh I say – well done, that chap!
Funnily enough, I have a friend from an alt rock band (I won’t name him) who was asked by his manager in the early 2000s to meet him at a woody gentleman’s club somewhere in London. He turned up to find that he was being introduced to… Roy Hay. With a view to co-writing. The combination would be similar to chalk co-writing with cheese. My friend was completely befuddled and somehow made his excuses (‘Co-writing, co-writing is stupid / And this idea is stupid…’) 🙂
Intriguing.
An interesting SDM for me is when the late, great, David Longdon of Big Big Train fame lost out on the Genesis singing gig in favour of The Bloke Out Of Stiltskin. With David’s Gabriel-ly voice the Calling All Stations album might have fared better, at least with the hardcore fans.
I occasionally wonder what would have happened if the two mainmen Andy Sturmer and Roger Manning had let their guitarist Jason Falkner contribute more. Instead, he flounced to create his own wonderful albums. They created a masterpiece in Spilt Milk but split before they could make a third.
Doh! That’s the two Jellyfish mainmen, 2nd para nothing to do with the Supper’s Ready Hitmakers…
Didn’t the Musselburgh foghorn apply for the vocals job with 1998 Genesis? Christ, it might have been even worse.
He did sound very Gabriel-y, didn’t he? I really like BBT, musically, but I always had to get over the vocal likeness to Genesis.
I really like the new guy sounding different. Last Eleven from the new album is magnificent, especially the new mix they released.
(My own version of righting the wrongs of the mid-eighties)
Brian Eno chucks out the shrill, sloganeering band Island records are pushing on him, and instead picks up the phone to some Liverpool band whose new album Ocean Rain has blown him away.
The Bunnymen’s performance of Rescue/Zimbo/Seven Seas at Live Aid brings them global superstardom. Will Sargeant becomes the most influential guitarist of his generation.
Bono leaves U2 after disastrous double-album folly Rattle and Hum to be replaced by Huey Lewis.
Alternatively…
Ferry leaves Roxy after For Your Pleasure, leaving Eno in charge…
Brian Ferry, in an alternative universe, became the vocalist with King Crimson.
And Steve Hackett became the guitarist? Think I’ve seen Mr. Fripp say this, when he went through one of his ‘Am I King Crimson’ crises. Oh, and David Sylvian joins around the time of the Fripp/Sylvian records. Their live band with Trey Gunn and Pat Mastelloto had huge KC vibes.
I’ve often wondered (and raised in debates a few times) about what would have happened if, having been, er, blown off by Mick Ronson and Woody Woodmansey ( who, some time in 1970-71, were supposed to drive up and meet with him to do a gig in Leeds but instead turned right on t’motorway and returned to ‘ull), David Bowie had thought ‘Fuck ’em!’ and turned to other musicians, rather than calling Ronson again and inviting them back down to work on what became ‘Hunky Dory’?
Or Rick Wakeman decided to join the Spiders from Mars, rather than Yes….
6 July 1957
The weather in Liverpool is overcast with intermittent rain storms. There’s a Church Fete taking place in nearby Woolton featuring a band that a school mate has said is worth a look. Paul McCartney looks a the weather, decides he doesn’t fancy cycling the 3 miles in a belting rain storm.
What Didn’t Happen Next?
– Paul McCartney follows his Dad into the Big Band playing piano, clarinet and saxophone at weekends whilst holding down a Middle Management position at Royal Liver Assurance. He marries old school friend Helena Rigby, and when not working at the office or playing in the band, is also a published author of short stories and novella.
– John Lennon finishes his studies at Art College and takes up the post of Visiting Lecturer at Southampton University. On a clear day from Southampton Dock he can see the Isle Of Wight. With the day free, he decides to buy a ticket to Ryde.
– George Harrison completes his apprenticeship and becomes a fully qualified electrician – he expands his business and a fleet of Sparky George vans can be found across the City. The Company Headquarters is a small lock up behind the barbers on Penny Lane.
– Ringo Starr, after a largely uneventful time as a drummer for hire at Butlins Holiday Camps and around Liverpool, hangs up hi sticks and throws his energy into crisps and snacks eventually inventing a circular potato and maize snack that bares his name. Bags of “Stars” fly off the shelves, but he fails to correctly declare his income to the Inland Revenue and now the Taxman is after him.
20 or so years later, Noel Gallagher joins his brothers band, and informs them they should try and sound more like Gerry and The Pacemakers
A++ for effort. B+ for spelling. See me after.
23 October 1984
After an eventful gig with the Boomtown Rats, Bob Geldof arrives home nursing a hangover. Arriving home he shows the family a new pet chimpanzee that he won in a drinking competition while on tour. He retires to his bed to sleep off the last of the excess and misses the early evening News.
Paula Yates tells him about the News Report in the morning, but he stands in the kitchen looking dishevelled, and says: “What the f*ck can I do about it? Maybe I should give ’em the f*ckin’ monkey”
which leads to another “it never happened”
13 July 1985
Just another sunny July day. Nothing much going on in the world.
1 December 1976
Freddie Mercury takes a couple of aspirin to dull the pain of a toothache. He’s feeling fine, and Queen can attend the scheduled TV interview (EMI were preparing to give the gig to their new signings, but were hoping Freddie’s choppers would be OK).
Queen get to the Thames TV studios, but the pain in Freddie’s mouth re-occurs. He downs a bottle of brandy to numb the pain.
In the studio he remains silent whilst Bill Grundy goes through the motions of reading out the press sheet word for word. He then turns to the band and says: “Bohemian Rhapsody – what was that all bout. Faux classical music in a pop context. Are you serious, or are you just taking the mickey”.
An incensed Freddie stirs from his slumber: “Oh, you drunken old bitchy queen”. Brian May smiles inanely (as usual), John Deacon says nothing (as usual), and Roger Taylor just looks confused (again, this is fairly usual). Freddie launches himself towards Bill Grundy and starts screaming, shouting and slapping the host while tears roll down his face. Security are called, and the band led away. The front pages of the following days papers all lead with the continuing strikes and and damage to the UK economy. On page 9 of The Daily Mirror is a short piece about the events last night, with Freddie Mercury saying “I’m sorry, but I was very very drunk at the time”.
Meanwhile, the Sex Pistols tour goes off without a hitch.
Brilliant. That interview was largely created by the drunkenness of Bill Grundy. God knows what would have happened if he’d given the same vibes to Freddie.
In a similar vein, and again involving Culture Club, their song Do You Really Want to Hurt Me was not in the charts yet when they were hurriedly bussed in to replace an unwell Shakin Stevens on TOTP. At the time, about 12 million viewers tuned in to the show every week.
Boy George’s performance was all over the tabloids the next day and I certainly remember the conversation in our household re his gender. I’d read about them in The Face where they had the same clothes for the photo shoot, so I was clued in. The thing about that fuss was the undeniable quality of the song. Impossible to dislike – an instant classic.
Speaking of Top of the Pops, as far as I can recall Gang of Four were in danger of having a hit with “I love a man in a uniform”, (great song by the way) and got a bit sniffy about whether it was right politically to do Top of the Pops. They stepped away and their replacements were Dire Straits who played Sultans of Swing. The rest is history… boring, CD shifting, Aztec Camera second album ruining history.
Gang Of Four also came unsuck with the BBC and TOTP with At Home He’s A Tourist, including the line “all the rubbers you hide, In your top left pocket”
Kenny Everetts’s Christmas show that year had a character called Boy Poof .. would thar be allowed now? But certainly ensured the recognition of Cullture Club’s ubiquity
“took one to know one”, as they said back then.
I remember similar playground discussion over Yazoo’s first ToTP appearance, when an androgynous Alf (who looked like she could kick the shit out of you if you met up a dark alley) wore a dress the size of a gazebo.
1970. David Hepworth dies before he gets old after a freak gardening accident.
In his book/memoir Surrender Bono talks about how his Friday routine between school and home often entailed getting a bus into Dublin City centre to look in the record shops of Talbot Street before getting the bus home to Glasnevin. This very location and time was where a car bomb blew up in 1974 killing and maiming many in the worst day of the troubles in the Republic of Ireland. Bono said that, had there not been a bus strike in Dublin at the time, he could well have been a victim. Would U2 have made it with or without him?
That’s a great joke – bu-hut seriously folks, it’s hard to visualise U2 without Bono. I remember talk about U2 very early on and the main chatter from the inkies was about how much of a prat the lead singer is. When they first appeared on Nozin’ Aroun’ I immediately saw what they meant…but I also saw that they were going to be huge.
One of the more refreshing aspects of his memoirs is that he seems acutely aware of what a tool he has been and continues to be and names it repeatedly throughout the book. Obviously, if he hadn’t it would be there nagging away at any reader.
Ian Curtis flew to America.
Like the hero in the John O’Hara Story Appointment in Samara, I have a horrible feeling that IC’s story would still have ended the same way
I think you’re probably right, but it might have spared us the Movement LP, Barney’s shorts and Barney’s
singingvocals.(I rather liked the Movement LP…)
So do I, now, but it took me about 35 years.
I really liked (still like) JD – and the further NO moved away from them, the less I liked them. Movement and the first single (both sides) still have that gravitational pull back to the JD albums. After that, it gets progressively weakened until I stopped listening to them altogether.
Movement was a hybrid album, they didn’t know how to be New Order yet. I think the 3 albums that followed are superior although they were more of a singles band really and there were some absolute classic releases on 45 throughout most of the 80s.
Fair enough – that’s your taste/opinion, dai, but not mine…
I suppose it depends where you got on the NO train. In my case, due to age (I didn’t really start buying steadily until late ’81) that was Procession/Everything’s Gone Green, then a reverse to Ceremony, and full-speed ahead to Temptation. Movement felt like a step back by the time I heard it in ’82.
I knew LWTUA but it took me a while to get into the full JD back catalogue. Never got to see them live, sadly.
Sure. I bought Ceremony on release and then taped Movement from a flat mate. Ceremony is a monumental single, but really it’s a Joy Division one with a different singer yet to find his own voice. Leaving albums aside, for me Temptation is when they got going as NO.
Barney’s still looking for his voice, I’m led to understand.
He hasn’t found the key yet. Ba-dum and tish!
I think he found it. Whether it’s any good is another question
While there, he refused to go to the New York clubs, subsequently vetoing any songs that showed dance/pop tendencies. Joy Division followed the well- trodden post-punk path towards worthy obscurity that Magazine, Gang of Four, Combat Angels etc trod. They broke up in the late 80s, then reformed to support the Cure on enormodome tours.
All was going well until he saw Robert S without his make up or back-comb Weetabix hair
I say all that, but if Joy Division hadn’t metamorphised into New Order, where would the Cure have plagiarised all their songs from post-Head on The Door?
Woodstock sees jethro Tull and the Jeff beck group on the bill. The JBG get the status of led zeppelin, and America actually learns how to do decent progressive rock.
Tull’s non-appearance didn’t seem to do them that much harm within a few years both TAAB and PP both hit no 1 on the US album charts
Sticking with Woodstock, the organisers decline John Sebastian’s offer to fill a gap in the schedule, doing everyone, himself included, a huge favour, he remaining just the fondly loved writer of Summer In The City and Daydream, rather than an addled hippy dipshit.
The Move release newcomer Jeff Lynne’s power pop classic Falling Forever (*) as a single in 1970. Roy Wood leaves and Jeff takes over, introducing keyboards and strings to the band. Powerpop happens 5 years earlier. Roy Wood leaves and forms ELO, and then loses interest and starts a solo career.
(*) It exists, it’s obviously a studio recording that got repurposed as a radio session:
Sometime in 1971. The Montreux fire brigade do their job. The Casino remains intact.
The world is spared “Smoke On The Water”
The SOTW riff would probably still appear. Just with different subject matter for lyrics.
‘Ere, Richie, how about we call it “Bird Really Oughta”?