Yesterday my stepson and I took my daughter and her stuff in a rental van to her hall of residence for the start of three years at University. They have the same mother, but she’s been as present and maternal as Thomas Pynchon, though, I suspect, with considerably more violence. So it’s been pretty much me raising my daughter from the start – the discovery of free babyccinos at the Starbucks in Borders where she learned to read; those primary school years which make Motherland look like a sanitised documentary; the switching secondary schools which made such a goddamn difference; the ferrying her to band practice which opened up new worlds; I could go on.
I’ve known yesterday was coming. I’m already prone to tearing up at the passing of time: I was going to link to Abba’s Slipping Through My Fingers, but even just writing that title took me twenty minutes.
So here’s the thing, the zinger. Because of the covids, she’s had the equivalent of two gap years, and in that time, gloriously, her independence has grown exponentially. Big circle of friends, out and about all the time, all marvellous, all the age appropriate developmental stages, though poignant for poor old me of course. A few months ago, she began what’s effectively her first serious relationship with a young man. He’s a couple of years older, seems decent to me, a musician who’s doing well, and right up until the day before yesterday they were spending most of their time together.
Cutting to the chase, she was barely consolable yesterday, missing him already, hardly able to contemplate that he’ll be visiting her in just a couple of weeks. And of course, I’ve got the whole ‘long distance relationships rarely work, this could stop her throwing herself into the Uni world’ refrain playing in the background. And me and her brother had to leave, of course. It’s been the primary school gates all over again, last night and this morning, me being utterly understanding but nudging her towards the new experiences, starting with breakfast in the halls. I’d be feeling drained on those difficult drop off days at school, the hanging on to my legs days, and then, come collection time, she’d be bright and breezy.
It’s as right as right can be that her tears are for her boyfriend, and for the unknown that’s opening up, and my partner who lives a bit away from me and has her own kids is brilliantly understanding. Bloody hell, though.
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Yes, nothing prepares you for the “leaving home for university “ rollercoaster.
Our eldest isn’t the most social of butterflies and found it very hard to make friends. That first night I heard Mrs Jockblue crying for him in the most gutteral way. I can still hear it now as I type this.
I really get that. Thank you.
Didn’t wait until bedtime! Just opening our front door without either of them did it for me.
Funnily enough I was listening to Suzy Boguss’s exquisite “Aces” album yesterday and this one, on this subject, popped up. Twang Jr goes to uni next September and much as sometimes he drives me up the wall I had a little moment in anticipation. Just be proud of having done probably the most important job there is well.
Cheers; will listen to that, but not just yet!
Probably best. 😀
She posted that herself last year on FB (or maybe the year before), when her own son was leaving for University.
We’re a little way past that, as The Light’s daughter left for the other end of England, where she remains, 6 years ago (3 degree, one police training that didn’t work out, one post grad, one teacher training. She’s just started her first year as a qualified teacher). She was always an independent spirit, so for much of her teens we didn’t see a lot of her a she did her own thing so there was no way she could have stayed close to home, nor would we have wanted to persuade her to in any way. Not that we would have had much luck if we had tried, and we knew that.
She was smart enough to realise for herself that she couldn’t maintain her sixth form relationship, but if she hadn’t we wouldn’t have been the ones to try to explain it to her. It’s one of life’s lessons that it can only be understood backwards but can only be lived forwards.
Lovely post. My daughter is now living with me full time at 15 and just started a new school, she is liking it, but has a few challenges. Previously had the heart wrenching feeling of us being in different houses (sometimes far apart) about 9 years ago. Still hurts
She is already making plans about where she wants to live when she is older, we shall see
Cheers Dai. Meet you here in 3 or so years!
My eldest turned 30 yesterday. 12 years ago I was where you are except he was socially uncomfortable, few friends but going to uni despite that. Dropping him off was heartbreaking then some local radio station played “Waves” by Blancmange on the way home, cue tears. I wrote about it on the old Word Blog it even provided a response from David Hepworth about his experience of the same. My son didn’t see out his 3 years. Struggled getting back into normal life but now at 30 he’s doing great in his work life, has a partner and flat in his personal life all achieved while me and his mum separated painfully. I’m beyond proud. University is a stepping stone on the road to adulthood. I recognise all the feelings you allude to in your lovely post. Your daughter has good family, good friends and while there may be some pain along the way I reckon she’ll be fine.
Ta, Dave. You got a link to your original post?
No it’s long gone but it was just a lament to his potential loneliness out of his comfort zone, reference to the “Goodbye, Goodbye” line sung in Neil Arthur’s most emotive, almost cracking voice and a link to song
Dave, it’s entirely possible that your post can still be found on the Wayback Machine – do you know when you posted it, or what the thread was called?
Offspring the Elder (©Fentonsteve) left for his third year at Guildford (second proper year as he did a foundation year on account of not doing enough work at A Level). He loves Uni and being independent. His sister is now about to embark on looking at four Universities for next year: Brighton, Bristol, Bournemouth and ULA which is at Elephant & Castle. She was an anxious teen, still is a bit but much improved, so we will be more concerned about her going than we were with Jack. Then, we’ll have to confront the fact that, for most of the year, it’ll just be the two of us in the house. We may downsize at that point as it’s unlikely Jack will come back for any significant time once he’s finished and the house is way too big for just the two of us.
I’ll be dropping Offspring the Elder off in Lincoln on Weds 29th. She’s already sweetened the pill by pointing out there’s a record shop 5 mins walk away.
I’m assuming it’s “Back To Mono” and if so it’s a top shop!
New and used vinyl plus used cds.
Great for a rummage I’ve turned up some great stuff in there.
Plus the owner Jim is a top bloke.
Ooh, great. I’m looking forward to it even more, now.
I’ve been today and in the month since I last visited he’d got a fair bit of new stock in. Picked up Peter Banks debut solo album and the latest Spiritualized reissue.
I have suggested we get up and go to Lincoln early, to allow for lunch first and for me to “get my bearings”.
We arrived with half an hour to spare, having scored “D” on the A1. And, having unloaded, went to a supermarket to buy food. By the time we were done, it was 5:30pm.
I’m planning a return trip in the next weekend or two to check on how she’s settling in / what Back To Mono have in stock.
Halogen bulb in SAD alarm clock carked it on the journey up. We’re going back this weekend…
Had an hour to burn in Back To Mono. Also @LesterTheNightfly I stumbled across Steve’s in the covered market. He’s there every Saturday.
Never got to do the “drop off and wave goodbye” bit as my youngest daughter who went to University (the oldest didn’t) was living with her mum.
Still had plenty of involvement in the prep though – helping with choice of Uni, making sure she’d got accommodation sorted, student loan sorted, food parcels etc.
2 weeks in she was about to give it all up and return home, and then a month later she was adamant she was leaving.
This was a relationship issue – I didn’t know at the time, but ex-boyfriend (they had split about 6 months before) had also gone to Bournemouth and was actively spreading rumours and bad-mouthing her – no wonder she couldn’t settle
She didn’t, and all credit to her she sorted out a transfer to Portsmouth (pretty much all on her own – I didn’t know about it until she called me to say she was moving), got settled in the Halls, settled on the course, and grew really quickly grew in confidence.
3 years later she graduated with a 2:1, and is now a completely different person than when she went away
Remember clearly taking our daughter snd her boyfriend to Uni in London 3 years ago – different unis but a crutch for each other. She was like a rabbit in the headlights but of course doesntvŕmember that. She has just graduated in journalism, has a great job and has blossomed into a mature young lady that we are extremrly proud of however it didnt hsppen overnight and I rxpect you will have bends in the road.
Coming home from dropping her off was very emotional, lots of tears. Then next morning when we woke up my wife said ‘ what shall we do today?’ and the realisation that we could whatever we want.
Lovely post.
Our eldest will be off to University next Sept and, depending on circumstances, it could be tough as being in Singapore there is a possibility of him going overseas (probably the UK) to study and so it will be a proper break from home.
He actually already has a place on his chosen course at the National University of Singapore (which is a highly rated University in the world rankings) but we have always held open the option of overseas study for both our boys. Having employed and managed many graduates over my career in Singapore from both local and overseas, I have definitely seen something extra in those that go overseas – probably due to a better independence.
So whilst I actually think it will be best for them in the long run, it’s going to be tough packing them off and probably only seeing at the end of the academic year. It will be especially tough on my wife as there is very much a close family relationship here in Singapore (being so small etc). There is also the possibility that they could complete their education in the UK and stay there (they do have British citizenship through me).
The decision will probably come down to where we are with COVID – he doesn’t see the point in applying to the UK University’s and paying all those fees just to do online learning – hence the place at University in Singapore.
The one thing that helps is that he has just spent the past 20 months (with 2 months to go) doing his compulsory National Service here and so we have gotten a little used to him not being at home all the time (he does come back every week though).
It’s next Sunday for us. We’re dropping the boy at Portsmouth and (although I haven’t let on yet) my goodness I’m going to miss him. Late eighties and early nineties saw me in Portsmouth too…we’ve been there as a family a fair few times over the years so he’ll be in familiar surroundings. I’m really proud of him. From the anxious little kid he used to be to the funny, kind and resilient young man he is now, he’s great to be around. Hey, I’m looking forward to a visit to Southsea’s excellent Pie and Vinyl shop with him sometime when we visit. But in the meantime I’ll be quickly skipping to avoid hearing Paul Weller’s “Why Walk When You Can Run” if it comes up on shuffle…
Dropped girl child off this afternoon, and boy child last Friday. (He has already been home for a night). Both for their nominal second year. It’s easier than last time, but the house is very empty at the moment. Even worse when GLW flies off to Italy tomorrow for a work trip.
The upside of the pandemic is we had them both around a lot more than we would have had.
My son doesn’t live with me, he’s with his mother back in the US. He’s drawn up his short list of where’s he applying in the US and in the UK.
I hope to be able to get back to see him before he leaves for his next big adventure. I’ll be excited for him, but none of the “leaving home” regret. I had that every time I had to take the 6 hour drive home after seeing him for the weekend or having him to stay for a couple of weeks
Lovely post. It’s over ten years since we dropped our kids off at Uni but I can still feel that combination of pride, joy for them, nervousness for them and the utter pain for us of their leaving the family home and their childhood behind. Toy Story 3 came out that summer and we were on floods at the final scenes as Andy leaves for college…
Myself and Mrs Moles have just come back from dropping younger son at Bristol Uni. He’s clearly going to have a fantastic four years and after some rocky times as a teenager he’s worked really hard and matured so well. So very proud of what he’s achieved. But I was fine until we got back into the house, which is now just me and Mrs Moles as daughter is in second year at Nottingham. Burst into tears – sad for the end of nineteen years, and that their childhood is over. Surprised myself with just how emotional the whole process is.
In some senses the pandemic has made it harder, as though we’ve had much more of them than we might have expected, that just makes the hole even bigger. We were wise enough to line up a meal out with friends tonight, and as the texts come in about the rubbish wifi no doubt it will all be fine in the morning.
Postscript: most of central Bristol was a car-park as the half marathon was on. So date with son to run it next year! He will of course finish 30 minutes ahead of me!
Bristol Uni’s where my daughter’s gone. Is your lad in the student village-of-halls (Stoke Bishop)?
@barry-blue no he’s in the Unite block on Frogmore St bang next to the Academy – luckily he’s on the 6th floor so won’t be disturbed when MBV play!
Sounds better than ‘the village’, I’d say. Good luck to him!
Think a great place for a student to be, Bristol. Not many better I would guess
Of course these days they may well be back for who knows how long after graduating. When I left college it was a sign of complete personal failure to move back home but now it seems to be the default option.
We’re not expecting our son to be back for long but daughter may well be with us for a while after uni, due to being a “struggling artist” although she’s very interested in animation so who knows.
Bathetic counterpart to the weekend’s emotions. The Guardian Guide (know as The Tiddler) in our house and the Weekend magazine (the Mag) are being merged with the Review. When no-one was reading books an article in one could always find a teenager leaving through them….
@moseleymoles
One of my favourite Comsats songs! I always imagined it to be about a disintegrating relationship but the title certainly works!