Over the course of 24 hours all these emails landed in my Junk email. It sounds like a saucy computer programme randomly raided a Shakespearean dictionary. The resultant twaddle made me laugh considerably so I hope you will find the same.
They all consisted of Subject line – then the first line was subject line repeated, next a no-doubt dodgy Viagara link and lastly the sign off signature from a supposed medic, almost as funny as subject line. My favourite was the one about foul play – “Is this a dagger I see before me?”- though the “append lozenge” one was good as well.
Highly heartily thine, Carolina (not medically qualified apart from reading a lot on Dr Google and a Biology O level)
Does you bliss yours sweeting in pallet?
I wish you a pleasing lustiness
Dr Bob Ewers
Is ye arouse your spouse in a couch?
I wish for you a durable euphoria
Dr Ronald Cornick (Durable Euphoria – TFML)
Did ye sway your companion on pallet?
Have a keen energy!
Dr Ralph Meinzer
Does ye bewitch yours dear heart on bed???
I wish you a nice energy
Dr Leah Chevalette
If yours sweet indicate how she sensate appropriate, this is not a truth;
So honestly, Cecilia Rottinghaus (can this be a name anyone would choose?)
Your excellent sweetheart is fortunate? Maybe she is lie to you?!
I desire for you a nice hardiness
Bercleah Flett
Your glorious sweetie is vivacious??? Mayhap she is mendacity???
I desire you a fine form
Med adviser Kandyce Metzel
Your companion is lucky?! Feasibly she is lying???
Have a keen shape
Dr Chaunceler Baher
Being that ye do no lack to head deception, append lozenge!
So genuinely Skyler Ladson
Because ye do no lack to go on titubation, inclose via!
Highly heartily
Physician Branden Barco
Once thou do not need to admit foul play, apply healing;
True sincerely your
Medico Juanita Zito
Since u don’t require to head recreancy, use inoculation;
Highly truly thy! Therapeutic Ingrid Bussard
If only ye do not want to cling deception, sample assistance;
Very genuinely thine, Physician Willie Barnas
Therapeutic Ingrid Bussard sounds like she’s a handful.
Physician Willie Barnas, yesterday:
I AM MOIST
Ere luv, av a tissue.
Is this from your in-car supply? Or did you get it from HP?
*looks closely*
Hmm, it says “Keenlex”.
To keen, too keen.
Many good Afterword T-shirt slogans there.
I’ve received a beguiling message this very morning from someone called Maisie.
Hello Laying here in bed boredwanna get together?
Im single and not seeking serious relationships.
im like to oral pressure & love to suck.
Me Profile is here
if ready to have some good time writeme back anyways
h**p://www.datingandherpesa.top/
1. Laying what here in bed? The corpse of your last victim?
2, Oral pressure? No thanks luv, I’ve just bin tert dentist
3. “Me profile” – by ‘eck ,Maisie’s a northern lass!
4. Sorry, but your URL is rather too honest about what follows the dating.
I’ll pass. Yes, even me.
Absolutely fantastic.
Just checked my spam folder and it’s mostly people trying to convince me my Facetbooks Passwording Has Compromat. The one or two viagra ones just say “click here”. Don’t they know I need a bit more in the way of seduction than that?
With just a little rearranging it becomes a heartfelt poem of reassurance and advice.
If only ye do not want to cling deception, sample assistance;
Does you bliss yours sweeting in pallet?
I wish for you a durable euphoria.
Did ye sway your companion on pallet?
Have a keen energy!
Does ye bewitch yours dear heart on bed???
I wish you a nice energy.
If yours sweet indicate how she sensate appropriate,
this is not a truth;
Your excellent sweetheart is fortunate? Maybe she is lie to you?!
Your glorious sweetie is vivacious??? Mayhap she is mendacity???
Your companion is lucky?! Feasibly she is lying???
I desire for you a nice hardiness
I desire you a fine form
Have a keen shape
Being that ye do no lack to head deception, append lozenge!
Because ye do no lack to go on titubation, inclose via!
Once thou do not need to admit foul play, apply healing;
Since u don’t require to head recreancy, use inoculation;
Highly truly thy!
Excellent work there Gatz!
Jawdroppingly bwilliant. Best poem I ever read.
Never before have I seen the existential angst of desiring a fine form, whilst desiring a nice hardiness and durable euphoria so clearly expressed.
Poet Laureate standard!
Brilliantly bonkers! I just get the spam congratulations for being chosen for incredibly highly paid jobs I haven’t applied for, and offers of kinky sex with people of all genders. They all seem very unimaginative after reading these magnificent offers!
Reading through the OP I am reminded of the idea that if you give a 1000 monkeys a 1000 typewriters eventually you shall have the complete works of Shakespeare. They’re working on it, eah?
“To be or not to….banana?
You lazy bastards!!”