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Select A New National Anthem

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Simple premise: the Queen has been on the blower. To celebrate the momentous occasion of her continuing to cling to life and power for a record breaking spell, she has decided to do away with the current national anthem, “God Save the Queen” (“a f**king load of old c***ing ******” is how m’lady described it over the phone just now), and replace it with something a little more uplifting.

Her Royal Highness was initially urged to put the matter of what should be the replacement anthem to a national vote, but Her Excellency has been most dismayed by the performance of our democracy in recent months (I quote again; “those w**king f**kn*ts can’t be trusted to run a f**king p*ss up in a f**king br*wery”), and has therefore opted for a most unorthodox alternative.

Against the better judgement of most of Her Most Extraordinary’s close advisers, this nation-shaping decision will be left in the hands of a rag-tag bunch of what Prince Philip has described as “Black Flag Charlies, Howling Floral Jessies and assorted puckered ne’er do wells”. I’m talking, of course, about you: the denizens of the Afterword blog.

Please post herein your suggestions for the replacement national anthem. It can be anything you like; a 17th century poem set to music, a classic rock tune, an advert jingle, a rude limerick.

The winning entry, as chosen by HRH, will be officially proclaimed as the new anthem later this year, and will be lustily sung along to by a packed Wembley Stadium at an England qualifying fixture in early 2016. Leading the singing, from the centre circle, will be Adele, who has agreed to participate only on the condition that she be held aloft by a team of burly men dressed as deep sea divers.

The Queen has asked me to wish you luck, to remind you that the fate of the nation is very much in your hands, and – particularly – to tell you all that you can “take your **** and shove it, hard and firm, right up your ****, without the aid of appropriate lubrication”.

May the nominations commence!* My entry is below.

*The Queen has asked me to remind you all that anyone failing to post a suggestion before midnight on Saturday September 19 will be frog marched to the front of Buckingham Palace and flogged mercilessly in front of the tourists.

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Comments

  2. An instrumental mash-up comprising the most uplifting and national anthem tunes out there (in my book, that would be Ireland, France and Italy), and then some clever sod can come up with some appropriate words.
    Of course, we already have Swing Low Sweet Chariot and Jerusalem as alternatives.

    • They used to play something like that when Radio 4 kicked-off each morning.

      It was lovely to wake up to. Pity they took it off.

      All you need to do now is write some words!

    • Trouble is, both those songs fail the test. There are two main reasons people don’t want to sing the current national anthem, religious references and royalty references. Both those songs are religious songs and I, for one, wouldn’t be seen in public singing them. We need a change and we need something along the lines of the Brazilian anthem which, despite being written in the 1800’s in a deeply religious country, is both jolly and non-religious.

    • Arrh, its got words @hubert-rawlinson :

      ‘Rumty-tumty-tumty-tum,
      Rumty-tumty-tumty,
      Rumty-tumty-tumty-tum,
      Rumty-tuddlty-tum,
      Rumpty-puddlty, rumty-tuddlty, rumty-tuddlty-tum,
      Rumty-tumty-rumty-puddlty-rumty-puddly-tum.’

      It is permissible to go ‘RRRRrrrrumty’ at the beginning with some gusto, and expire in a paroxysm of coughing at the end, going ‘Oh me farmers’ lung, splutter, splutter’.

      • That’s a Leon Rosselson song, isn’t it? A fine example of a cover version that’s better known than the original.
        It’s also the song that I’ve seen Billy Bragg play most often – along with “A New England”, I suppose.

        • It is. It was the first song I ever saw Billy Bragg play live (some years before that clip, alas). I think I may have more versions of it by different artists than any other in my collection – off the top of my head I have it done by the Oysterband, Dick Gaughan, Barnstormer, as well as the two here.

  13. Although it may need a subtle re-write:
    This Is Britain ?
    This Is The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and all Sovereign Dependencies ?
    This Is England (and Scotland and Wales and Northern Ireland (at the moment)) ?

  19. Let’s not forget that Mozzer can write a fine anthemic song. Once I was at Roskilde and 10,000 people were singing along to the chorus of There is a light that never goes out. Stirring stuff.

    Several candidates here. Hand in glove. Shoplifters of the world unite. Panic.

    Or if one really wants to hit the whinging pom nail on the head: Heaven knows I’m miserable now.

    • Ha ha – FAB. When it plays at the Olympics hopefully the podium turns into a lift, transporting Jessica Ennis-Hill down beneath the stadium via a system of conveyor belts and tunnels into a waiting rocket. The water jump from the Steeplechase could then slide back, allowing the rocket to launch, Jessica waving to the crowds below as she soars back to the village.

      Have I thought about this too much?

  31. Inexplicable to me that Woody’s This land is your Land is not the US national anthem.

    Well actually totally explicable. Far too lefty. But a song so good that several other countries have nabbed it.

    Like Billy Bragg (as already mentioned) and Mikael Wiehe in Sweden.

  34. I like the idea of a traditional folk as the national anthem.

    Any suggestions?

    Most of them can be rather glum: murder ballads about young shepherdesses meeting a sticky end, the plague, betrayal and all that kind of thing.

  35. I was thinking of very English songs and this old favourite, It’s Immaterial’s Driving away from home, came to mind. Not really something for a lusty sing song on the terraces but I love it anyway.

    But here’s a real oddity. A video made for the US market. Wonderfully odd if you are listening to the lyrics.

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