Multiplying Chills (Brividis Travoltis)
A series of shakes and jerks that can make the sufferer appear to be the subject of electrifying power. Can often cause the sufferer to lose control. Commonly accepted remedies include shaping up and meditation.
Cat Scratch Fever (Itchus Scratchus Felinus Nugentus)
An ailment that is often caught from cats next door, it is generally regarded as nothing dangerous, with no pain, though in severe cases it can make a grown man cry. Common symptoms include the ability to make a pussy purr with a stroke of your hand.
Gonokakakakas (urinas dolorosas zappas)
Ailment which can be contracted from toilet seats. Principal symptoms include painful urination, though some sufferers have reported their genitalia feeling like “a pair of maracas”.
Wooden Heart (cuorus legnus regnus)
An illness common among American G.I.s posted in Germany in the late 1950. Sufferers were said to never be the same afterwards, though some recovered briefly in the late 60s. However, this recovery proved to be short-lived and in the early 70s they felt their temperature rising higher and higher with a burning feeling that led to rapid weight gain.
Rockin’ Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu
A disease commonly found in the New Orleans area of Louisiana. The first virulent strain was diagnosed in 1957 by a Dr. Huey “Piano” Smith. A weaker more innocuous variation was demonstrated to the world by Johnny Rivers in 1972.
The Rockin’ Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu
– yes, and the Grateful Dead briefly showed symptoms of it on the Europe ’72 tour!
Great Balls of Fire (magni globi ignis)
A curious ailment, unrecorded until a mass outbreak in mid C20 America. Sufferers complained of shaken nerves and rattled brains, but as an unexpected side effect the condition was found to induce a new and exciting piano style in musicians who became infected.
I’m sure this thread is going to show off the excellent knowledge of Latin possessed by members of the Afterword. Excelsior!
Emm … I used Google translate [clasps hands behind back, looks down at toes and gently scuffs carpet with shoe]
You’re closer than me Gatz. I’m just taking Italian words and sticking “is” or “us” at the end! Si Signorus! You don’t think someone as common as muck as me did Classics at school do you?
Stink Foot (Bromidrosis)
Often the result of an overly tight python boot. In extreme cases can cause girl-friends to cry “You got STINK FOOT! Your STINK FOOT puts the hurts on my nose!”
Boney M, known by the sensation of having a brown “girl” in the ring, presumably stuck, which is why onlookers encourage the sufferer to keep pushing. “Show me a motion”, they cry.
Have an up.
Tea spat over monitor. Colleagues with raised eyebrows. I’m suppressing a fit of giggles and the urge to wee. Get on with some work, Fenton…
Dog Breath (avunculus matris suae inventionis cibum)
A major outbreak was seen in 1969, often dubbed “The Year Of The Plague”. Sometimes appears in tandem with Stink Foot (see above) .
Often picked up while cruising for burgers.
Billericay Dickie (Vomitus Saxonae:
The slight feeling of nausea you get when you realise you’re going to have to go to Essex
Is this the one where one of the symptoms is a bruised pomegranate?
You can cure that with rum and Ribena
Oi! I live in Essex, and happen to like Billericay very much. Bloomin’ cheek.
Ian Dury has form with this. For example, forty year old housewife, Mrs Elizabeth Walk of Lambeth Walk, had a husband with a bad case of in dimidium caulis. Sadly, this resulted her in taking an overdose of Omo.
This Is What We Find
Not to mention the unfortunate gentleman who had his winkle sanded off by home improvement expert Harold Hill of Harold Hill.
Lazyitis (Pigrus Ryderus)
A “sleeping sickness” type outbreak in Manchester in the late 1980s. Sufferers stayed indoors watching Countdown while munching on Rich Tea biscuits. The outbreak was traced to a contaminated batch of stonewashed denim.
Dislocated Backbone (Suffragette civitate)
Suffererers are often heard to utter “This mellow thighed chick just put my spine out of place”
or sufferers, even
The Rambling Itch (rambling prurigine thompsonius)
An uncomfortable condition of the incurably romantic. Those affected may end up living rough back on the Derby beat with a bottle of White Horse in their pocket and a Wolfhound at their feet.
Tiger Feet (tigris pédibus)
Pedal condition suffered during the early 1970s when brickies apply makeup and glitter to face.
Stray Cat Blues
Sudden onset of depression occasioned by visit from Yewtree force
Candyskin – STI contracted from shagging Bertie Bassett
Hong Kong Garden – STI contracted from shagging certain Hanna Barbera characters (I would post an illustration but it’s quite Penrific..)
Buhloone Mindstate – Nervous disorder of children’s entertainers caused the squeaking noise of making balloon animals.
Half A Person – occupational hazard of assistants to incompetent magicians.
Half Man Half Biscuit
Acute case of body dysmorphia
Who have suffered from a nasty Outbreak Of Vitas Gerulaitas, a virulent venereal disease which seems to have originated in the Baltic states.
Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts. I wouldn’t want those.
Or Rusty’s Dumpy Nuts
They both sound as if they’d need a cream on.
Whatever your ailment, Little Feat have the solution.
http://youtu.be/fEOlTZGuLKM
A silly woman put the lime in the coconut and there was nothing she could take to relieve her bellyache (dolor stomachum dolores et cinis).
Anyone suffering from Rock ‘n’ Roll Discharge? See a Doctor, pronto.
Achy Breaky Heart (mulletus cyrusitis)
The sufferer can live a relatively normal life as long as news of any relationship setback is controlled. The arms, lips and fingertips operate a stoic and resilient system to take on any emotional heavy lifting to avoid the heart blowing up and killing the host.
Mixalotosis Backus
Patient becomes fixated on large female bottoms, and is unable to hide the truth of his obsession.
Maladium Industrialum.
Some come out in sympathy, some come out in spots.
Poison Ivy – She’s quite a girl
Measles make you bumpy
And mumps will make you lumpy
And chicken pox will make you jump and twitch
A common cold will fool ya
And whooping cough will cool ya
But Poison Ivy’s love will make you itch!!
You’re gonna need an ocean of calamine lotion
You’ll be scratchin’ like a hound
The minute you start to mess around
Podial Surplus Syndrome
After many decades of lucrative fame showcasing the condition, the only known sufferer of PSS (“Jake”) was eventually exposed as a fraud. The deception came to light in 2013 when an on off-duty detective went to a live show. He went backstage to congratulate Jake for a terrific show but was told by Jake’s chuckling “twin brother” that Jake was very shy and had already left the theatre. With his keen eye for forensic detail, the detective noticed a large carrier bag containing only a raincoat, a broom handle and a boot in the corner. An arrest was quickly made and “Jake” is now in prison for this disgusting crime and some other misdemeanours.