OK, something stupid for Friday. While idle the other day, I tried to write some nursery rhymes in the style of great songwriters. Don’t ask me why. Anyone else fancy a go?
Halfway Down by Bruce Springsteen
Mister, don’t you ask me why I’m climbin’ this here hill
Old Duke got his reasons, and he’s the one payin’ the bills
We all got our orders in someone else’s war
Ten thousand men who don’t know what they’re marching for
Half way down
We’re only half way down
I don’t know which way is up
But it’s a long way back to town
Mary’s Hedge Apparently by Bob Dylan (1966 version)
Will I see you in the garden
On one of these verdant days
With your empty-headed suitors
And your strange contrary ways
Your pretty maids were lined up at the silver ringing tree
Oh Mary, your cockleshells are lost
But babe, are you lost on me?
Song for Jack by Joni Mitchell
I do not know what moved me
To follow you for water clear
In the pale August morning
Climbing, climbing with you near
I only know I fell so hard
The water gone, a bruise appeared
In autumn shades of blue and brown
And Jack, I saw you clearly then
Lost to me, without your crown
Humpty Dumpty by Morrissey
The wind blowed hard and said “what’s the use of it all?”
So Humpty threw his fat body down from the wall
The elderly King gathered his Hot Chocolate singles and then
He sang – “I’ll put you together again”
Little Dark Star by The Sisters of Mercy
*Foreboding bassline*
“Twin cu-ull (Twin cu-ull)” (growled)
repeat a few times
*Complicated guitar arpeggios added to the mix*
“Twin cu-ull (Twin cu-ull)” (deeper voice than before)
*Rhythmic drum pattern from old Suicide B-side kicks off*
“Little st-ARGHHH!!!!” (shrieked in falsetto)
repeat once
*instrumental frenzy, then silence*
“How I wonder what y’are, where you come from, what yer for. Far beyond the BLACK horizons, in the deep and dastardly depths, I will find you, and some meths” (intoned solemnly)
*Clunky drumbeat abruptly starts again*
“Up above the world (black world)” (growled)
*Guitar frenzy*
“So High!!!!!” (falsetto shriek, repeat till fade, while Wayne bashes a teatray over his head)
Any Sting lyric would qualify …
Baa Baa Black Sheep by The Ramones
Onetwofreefour
Baa Baa Black Sheep
Baa Baa Black Sheep
Baa Baa Black Sheep
Gimme some wool
Three bags full
(rpt.)
Baa Baa Black Sheep by Leonard Cohen
Pariah of ancient days
Lift your horned head from the holy sward
Answer me the question
I have traveled long to ask
And I will strew petals at your cloven feet
And welcome you home at last
This Little Piggie … by Noel Gallgher:
This little piggie went to Burnage
This little piggie went to Ashton-under-Lyne
This little piggie ate cabbage
This little piggie can sh-eee-ine
And this little piggie … split up the biggest band in the world. And no, we’re not reforming
(segue into a re-written version of Terry Scott’s My Brother)
Jack and Jill in the style of Justin Currie
Jack and Jill went up the lonely hill of his deception
To fetch a pail of her teardrops
Jack fell down and broke her heart
And Jill came to the conclusion it was over
Black, Black Boat – Nick Cave
“Row, row, row your black, black boat,”
Said the fallen angel to Mad Jack.
“Don’t even think about going gently down the stream, as it’s only a STREAM OF LIES!”
(*cue atonal Warren Ellis violin freakout*)
“Merrily? No! Merrily? NO! Merrily? Never!!! Merrily? Not a chance,” the angel cried.
“Life is but a dream? You’ll be lucky…”
(*The Bad Seeds take off, thrillingly*)
Brilliant!
Ring-ah ring-ah roses-ah
A pocket full of noses
Stolen by yer Uncle
When ‘e does ‘is special trick-ah
Atishoo-ah, atishoo-ah
We all are The Fall-ah
That’s great. Many a childhood might have been different if cuddly Mark E. Smith popped up on children’s TV. He would certainly have transformed Jackanory, for example…
The Bruce one loses points for mentioning neither Mary or cars. And on of the lines should be addressed, somewhere within, sir, to “sir”.
Or could be addressed to mister
“The clock doesn’t count any more; there’s a mouse in the machinery, levelled the score, out on the first strike, o hickory, dock that one to my score.”
Declan Patrick McManus
Great effort. Not enough puns though.
We Will by Suede
We will run, you and I
Through the filthy neon streets tonight
Crying through windows
Dressed in the twilight
Crying our amphetamine truth
Your children aren’t in bed
They’re running with us
Lost in the fevered dreams of youth
I can almost hear that !
Ok, one more. Fire up the Funky Drummer sample!
Moonshot State Control by Public Enemy
Chuck D:
Aaaaaaaaa…
Government suckers tell a god damn lie
Telling us a friesian cow jumps how high
Ain’t doing dishes cause a brother can see
They got a policy taking all the cutlery
Flavor Flav:
Yo Chuck, they’re diddlin’ us man! Ain’t no joke dog! Those cats are on the fiddle boyeeee!
Chuck D:
Word.