Lately on Radio 4 news they have a new contributor, a Reality Check Correspondent. It is somewhat bizarre that it has come to this. Maybe they want to put their view across without being accused of bias, perhaps there are just too many lies and misinformation flying about now, especially with election. Anyway it made me think of a Rock and Roll Reality Check
The Beatles – Can’t Buy Me Love
“Money Can’t Buy me love”. True.
Abba – Money Money Money
” In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldn’t have to work at all, I’d fool around and have a ball”
Reality Check – You would probably be bored senseless, develop some kind of addiction and be replaced in 3 years time by someone younger.
Any more?!
“I wish it could be Christmas every day” (maybe in the meta sense of infinite royalties, Roy, but otherwise – no. No, you don’t..).
I do. For a start I’d never have to go to fucking work again.
You’re not seeing the big picture, Moosey. Christmas every day means a global sticky tape shortage; people like us will be melted down..
As we all know, if Moosey never had to go to work again at [Redacted] the fabric of reality would just crumble away, such is the importance of his secret lifetime vocation.
A further factor counting against every day being Christmas, is that every day your nearest and dearest would be expecting presents and nowhere would be open except corner shops.
It would cost you a fortune!
If only the corner shops were open, you’d also get all these tiny children buying chocolate for their mum with buttons and a toy unicorn. Before we know it there’ll be another global financial crisis.
Note to an unnamed pre-retirement council worker: your prudent habits of packing your own lunch in a bread wrapper and putting aside a significant tranche of your income into an investment product you describe as a ‘kitty’ will be for naught the first time you drop anchor in one of these bucolic villages or towns on Scotland’s West Coast. Those same charming urchins that call you ‘Bogie’ by day will ultimately waylay you by night – almost certainly baring cutthroat razors or deep fried Mars bars – and make off with both your foolhardy vanity project and what remains of your dignity.
The Diana version is worse.
We have a rose, striding across the English landscape, in the form of a candle, already lit before sunset, which is inextinguishable by weather, yet nonetheless has burnt out, and is growing in our hearts. Are we condemned to stride across the landscape too because of that? Like some zombie princess in the malign control of a rose / lit_extinguished candle?
Goodbye England’s rose
May you ever grow in our hearts
…
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And your footsteps will always fall here
Along England’s greenest hills
Your candle’s burned out long before
Your legend ever will
Oof – what a mess that was. I bored my own friends about this at the time – but “England’s greenest hills” could have been replaced by “our greenest hills” and this would have also turned the trick of gathering in the grieving masses from the rest of the United Kingdom – rather than just England.
I think Bernie Taupin was responsible for the rewrite – a man who would be sending poems to the Readers Digest if it wasn’t for knowing Elt.
If I was a blogger – but then again, no.
And it seems to me that you lived your life like a candle in the wind. We assume this is a lit candle as metaphor, in which case Marilyn wouldn’t really have made it beyond birth since no candle would stay lit in those circumstances and Marilyn survived till adulthood at least.
Also, I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I hate to break it to you but that’s going to come sooner than you think if there’s going to be no shuteye at all. That 24/7 partying will be rather short lived.
All nonsense as you imply. Her arse would have eventually have caught fire.
This is a strong likelihood overlooked by Elton n’ all.
I’m also unconvinced that candles cling to people when the rain sets in. I’ve yet to be chased across the lawn by tea lights spooked by a summer shower.
Really? Have you not?
You don’t know what you’re missing.
“I Will Always Love You”… even though I’m giving you the shove to go solo, then I’ll marry someone else. And since the divorce rate is about 45%, there’s only even odds for him.
It ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it: potentially true.
Everything I do. I do it for you: probably not.
I would do anything for you. Except that: a good get out clause.
In the year 2525: we shall see.
Should I Stay or Should I Go: you can’t deny the will of the people or alternatively there’ll be a second referendum to decide.
What chance have you got against a tie and a crest? In the jobs market less than 20 years ago in an era of declining social mobility. On the sports field also true due the increasing dominance of Public School former pupils in the England rugby and cricket teams.
Sometimes it snows in April: true.
I could never take the place of your man. More detail on the definition of ‘place’ required.
I guess I should of known
By the way you parked your car sideways
That it wouldn’t last – see what’s being confused is correlation and causation. There clearly is a relationship between poor driving and lack of relationship commitment, but do we have enough evidence to say that poor parking caused the breakup. We do not.
I reckon the pocket of used Trojans would be the more likely deal-breaker *shudders*
Why Does It Always Rain On Me: Because you live in Scotland
I can’t get no satisfaction – hardly surprising with that whiny voice and big lips
(despite this, Mick is something of a renowned swordsman, and seems to get his fair share of satisfaction)
Yebbut it’s a double negative. So he can.
“With the lights out, its less dangerous” – Actually, studies are ongoing as to the effects of reduced street lighting in the UK. However,if you’re driving a car or riding a bicycle at night, lights are definitely advisable.
Vanessa Williams claimed
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes ’round the moon
The first assertion may well be true, depending where you live, but the second betrays a willful ignorance of the most basic astronomy.
Oooh, I fancy some gravy now.
“666, the number of the beast”
Back in biblical times, the phone was a new invention not many people could afford. Thus the numbers got shorter, compared to the ten digit combinations we have today. The beast got the number 666, which is easy to remember. We don’t know, though, if this means the beast was the 666 person to get a phone.
668 – the neighbour of the beast
Iron Maiden sell a t-shirt reading that. Think I’ll buy one.
“When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true”
At best unproven. Could possibly be verified if your dreams were exceptionally mundane, eg “I wish I could stand in the garden and stare at the night sky for a bit.”
Who among us has ever been on a star?
That sounds like a topic for another thread.
Also, unless the laws of physics and current knowledge of orbital deviation are rewritten, there is likely to be little to no swinging on a star.
I’d like to.
U2 stated that all is quiet on New Years Day.
Partially true – a lot of people will be nursing hangovers.
Although, other may be indulging in a bit of retail therapy meaning it will be far from quiet on the shop floor a John Lewis, Waitrose, Marks and Spencers, Currys and Home Bargains
There is, in fact, a regular ferry service from Puno in Peru to Copacabana in Bolivia, across Lake Titicaca.
Tonight there’s going to be a jailbreak somewhere in this town.
Well, I’ll give you three guesses as to where in the town this will be happening
Belmarsh?
Holloway?
Brixton?
It says a lot about London that they have to have so many prisons.
And saunas.
Saunas or soreness? terrible things happen in prisons.
I’ve been to countless dances/discos but never once have I seen a murder, a groove being killed or a DJ burning a house.
Oh I dunno. I’ve been known to murder a few grooves when I occasionally stray onto the dance floor.
Seen plenty of blood there though. And lager and vomit.
P&O Ferries policy of charging passengers a flexible price on disembarkation was short lived.
At least they didn’t deny the passenger who wanted to get off.
It’s only a paper moon
Sailing over a cardboard sea
But it wouldn’t be make believe
If you were here with me.
Ella your superpowers do include feeling bad because your lover is not there, but not turning the world into a stage set. See also muslin tree etc.
Assertion: I am always crashing in the same car.
At some point the AA are going to cancel your membership, the garage are going to suck their teeth and say ‘not really worth it to repair this guv’ and it will fail its MOT.
Factcheck: You can always crash in different cars, or sometimes crash in the same car.
Yes, yes, fair enough, but the reality is we all “believe in yesterday”. We were there when it happened.
Club Tropicana: Under New Management.
Drinks are reasonably priced.
I assume it’s one of those all-inclusive holidays. Drinks are free in the sense that you paid for them three months ago instead of at the bar. So they’re unlimited in the same way the fun and sunshine are.
I’m not an expert on transplants, but if you gave someone your heart last Christmas, would you really still be able to sing about it now?
Also isn’t your heart now in some third party possibly via a dodgy Chinese organ-legging operation after it was sold on. Sounding less like an Christmas classic and more like Crank 3.
Even assessing the lyric in the intended way carries with it a number of problems.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart
but the very next day you gave it away
So – George is saying that his love was a Christmas present to the other person. To his distress, this declaration of love was not reciprocated. But hey – we’ve all been there, right?
But then the object of his affections gave his love away the very next day. How does that work in practice? Giving it away implies a new person has now taken on the task of being loved by George – as if George’s love is a commodity to be bought and sold. Love don’t work like that.
George too has his own problems with the notion of love. You don’t give it to someone on Christmas Day on an annual basis – you bloody lunatic. As Adam Ant once said about love “it droppeth like the gentle rain from Heaven”.
So both parties here need to reassess their approach to matters of the heart but George should have steered clear and avoided the whole thing. Just like that Snappy Snaps incident.
Hate to break it to you, BC but he ain’t talking about love.
A transplant song, sung from the perspective of the late unlamented Owner of a Lonely Heart, possibly. Obviously a pretty quick turnover in that particular operating theatre.
Hey, don’t be trampling on my gag with your sensible suggestions.
I Can See for Miles
Ok, I’ll buy that. On a clear day
And Miles And Miles And Miles And Miles And Miles And Miles And Miles
Nah you’ve ruined it now
That’s only seven miles.
I Can See Four Miles
“I Can’t reach You”
No bleedin’ wonder at that distance.
I’m an alligator..
No, you’re not. Time to cut down on the drugs.
or Supergrass : Sun Hits the Sky
“I am a Doctor”
Gaz dear, have you any idea how long it takes to get through medical school?
“Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?”
The lyric doesn’t tell us if the other person is responding in any way. Even in the video, Lionel says these words into the phone and doesn’t wait for a response. Probably because he’s a big famous millionaire pop star he thinks he can pick and choose – giving it the big “I am”.
Well I have news for you Lionel – I’m not interested.
She’s blind, anyway. And would probably have to be.
That bloke who answers pop stars back will be onto Mr Carter Ruck as we speak.
Yes, that was bizarre. For me, the problem with it was the revelation that the former pop stars were in on the joke and responded knowing that it was all made up. Then, the author of the book claimed (on here I think) that the whole notion of challenging pop stars on the detail of their lyrics was his intellectual property. As I say, bizarre.
“I was born in a cross-fire hurricane”
No you weren’t – you were born in a Dartford Maternity Hospital.
And as for the weather? it was July, and it may have been raining, but I doubt it was even very windy
And that’s no way to talk about your dear old mum.
I really don’t understand how a hole where the rain gets in or cracks in the door stop the mind from wandering. Surely, holes and cracks allow the mind to wander? Filling them won’t enable your mind to go where it will go, will it?
“It’s a big enough umbrella, but it’s always me that ends up getting wet”
You must have arms like Inspector Gadget, pal.
“Some people call me the space cowboy” – which people?
“Some call me the gangster of love” – no they don’t
“Some people call me Maurice” – which people? the ones who don’t know your name is Steve
“Cause I speak of the pompatus of love” – pompatus? that’s a made up word, surely
I had this exact conversation with Mrs. Paws two weeks ago. She walked away from me, at speed, in B&M.
“You and I are gonna live forever”
Jesus god, I so hope you’re wrong, you monobrowed tool
Who the fuck are you to know that the chair didn’t hear you?
“And there’s always construction work bothering you”
Well Tom, with that kind of regeneration investment going on, I hardly think you’ve got that much to moan about.
Chris, you needed to work out whether “romance” rhymed with “dance” in your accent before you started singing. Never mind what it looks like when the lyrics are printed in Smash Hits, that’s only around for two weeks.
“He plays by sense of smell”
I doubt that very much. He may well have a seemingly impossible talent on the pinball machine being deaf, dumb and blind and all – but on looking at the footage there is no evidence of nostril flare.
By 1983, North Korea and South Korea were well established. The turning point of a career in “Korea” makes me wonder if it was put in there simply to rhyme with “career” and then “insincere”. Zaire would have worked.
“The handshake seals the contract”
I’m pretty sure the contract needs to be signed for the deal to hold up in court.
My understanding is that the signed contract is there and the handshake seals/confirms it.
I think you’ve mondegreened a bit here: surely it’s “In a career [of] being insincere”?
Oh. Oh dear – you might be right. I have misunderstood that line for about 35 years then.
Can you put out a fire with gasoline?
Quora says: Gasoline is highly reactive with heat and oxygen, but if there is no oxygen, and the heat is insufficient to start the reaction, then it would put out a fire, instead of fueling it.
Also, Mr So-Called Wolf, if your girlfriend is daft enough to confuse water with gasoline, I think that says a lot about you, feller.
If time is on my side yet waits for no-one, surely that proves you can’t always get what you want
Whoever heard of a slide trombone in a county jail? You could put somebody’s eye out with it. Come to that, whoever heard of a wooden chair in a county jail? They’d only get broken over jailbirds’ heads.
That Leiber and Stoller had no idea…
Is there any other kind of trombone? They’re generally slide-y. A non-slide trombone would be a trumpet, Shirley?
Also, one of the incarcerated is Prisoner No. 000000000003. He must have been in the penitentiary system for decades. Is it really possible he’s still ‘the cutest jailbird?”
Hmm. Judging by the film clip that goes with the song, there are a fair few inmates in that particular hoosegow. Perhaps No. 000000000047 is very short-sighted? And a bit desperate?
I believe there is such a thing as a ‘Swordfish Trombone ‘
“Slide trombone” is prison slang for a practice that is not likely to get written about in The People’s Friend.
Moose. And I had you down as such an innocent.
Unconvicted.
Unconvinced.
Otis’s finest moment:
PS. How can something from 2000 be this dated? The hair! The smoking! It was only about three weeks ago, wasn’t it?
I’ve spent longer than I care to admit listening to grapevines. Never heard anything.
“Je suis un rock star”.
I think the past tense would be more appropriate Bill.
“I wear a cobra snake for a neck tie”
No you don’t. And I wouldn’t advise that you start doing that, either.
‘I stand up next to a mountain / Chop it down with edge of my hand’. There’s only ever going to be one winner in that situation, mate, and it isn’t going to do your guitar playing any good. Maybe start with chopping a little strip of balsa wood and work your way up?
I tried telling it on a mountain, the response was frankly disappointing.
For good reason perhaps Coast to Coast advocate attempting hucklebucking when the “lights are low”. This pehaps due to the need to be “twisting mad and moving all around” whilst also endeavouring to “wiggle like a snake” and “waddle like a duck”. Hence the poor visibility reduces the potential for looking a bit of a burk. But then they go onto invite incredulity by suggesting if you are unaware of how to perform this sort of cavorting then you are “out of luck”. I feel no inner torment or ill fortune at being unwilling/unable to perform this activity. So a questionable assertion all things considered. Cracking tune though
If you have a long black limousine and pull up to someone else’s bumper, you are not going to be able to drive it in between. I reckon you are far more likely to crush them.
One could try a parallel park, which is begging to be in the Viz Profanisaurus if it isn’t already.
An another thing – I always thought Americans said “fender” rather than bumper.
Prince Charming – Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.
….I’m not convinced that everyone down at Buck House is fully up to speed with this!
If Christmas Eve lasted as long as Barry Mcguire’s Eve of Destruction (50 odd years and counting), then far from it being possible to celebrate christmas every day, it would occur as often as the twelfth of never. And that isn’t happening, as we know, for a long long time.
Everything I do, I do for you.
Not everything, surely!
Would they say that after breaking wind, I wonder..
This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us.
Yes it is, it’s Crawley, and there must be 100,000 other people here.
A very satisfying hamper thread. Well done, Carolina!
Thanks, it has given me days of entertainment reading everyone’s entries.
Not so much a Reality Check, more a “get your facts right!” moment
“Early morning April 4, a shot rings out in the Memphis sky”
Actually Mr Bonio, Martin Luther King was shot at around 6PM
That was just the practice shot.
XTC’s Living Through Another Cuba.
‘Its 1961 again, and we are piggy in the middle’.
Think you’ll find that’s 1962, chaps.
Wot?!!! Partridge is fallible!
Does this mean that a cartoon WW2 soldier is not the best person to consult for advice on kissing and stuff…?
I’ve checked Google Earth and Simpleton does not have a mayor and never has done, merely a parish council.
By the way, several members of the Forever Changes Hitmakers were still alive and well in 2000, not least Arthur Lee himself, so old AP might be after sounding like a real cool killer but he clearly doesn’t walk the walk.
Everything about Little Jimmy Osmond needs a reality check:
His hair isn’t particularly long,
He’s not from Liverpool,
And given that he is a squeaky-voiced 10 year old boy…certainly not a lover!
Even saying he is “little” was a bit of a stretch.
Everything about him is wrong.
Nor was his older brother into bestiality.
Puppy love indeed….
I was concerned about this so I factchecked the lyric to PL and I can confirm that young Donny wasn’t singing about bestiality.
“We’re both in our teens” he sings. If we are talking dog years, the bitch will be 2 years old by the time she can be in her “teens”. And a two year old canine is NOT a puppy.
“If I had a hammer
I’d hammer in the morning
I’d hammer in the evening
All over this land”
Lots of grumpy neighbours, interventions from Council Noise Abatement teams, and probable RSI from all that hammering too. Similar with the bell ringing later on.
Hammering out a warning is pointless unless everyone is conversant in Morse code.
Don’t get me started on Lord of the Dance. Imagine having your quiet afternoon of angling interrupted by somebody doing pirouettes on the quayside.
Elvis Costello’s dad. He reminds me of Brains from Thunderbirds… and not just because of his glasses.
He was a secret lemonade drinker
You just don’t see enough rotating percussionists.
Perhaps also we ought to praise accuracy, though.
Genesis – Firth Of Fifth.
‘Ah, but there is in fact more earth than sea’.
True. There’s probably about 1.08 x 10 to the power 21 cubic metres of earth, whilst the volume of ocean is many orders of magnitude less at 0.3 x 10 to the power 9 cubic metres..
Yeah, absolutely.
Weyes Blood:
“Andromeda’s a big, wide open galaxy”
She’s not wrong, y’know.
Also, the fragrant Ms Melua’s remarks about bicycles in Beijing are often derided, but they are not factually wrong. What’s missing is the additional information.
“There are nine million bicycles in Beijing / And a shitload of others too / that’s a fact”
EDIT: Just googled this and apparently it was written by Mike Batt. He’s a prick, so I withdraw my defence. What a stupid song.