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Post one of your farts.

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Now I’m not usually of a lavatorial (u-)bent, but I have been up all night smoking sage and onions and have had a genius idea. Halfway through my final herbal refreshment, I let one go. I mean this really ripped. It was impressive; a world-class trouser trumpet. I got to thinking, wouldn’t it have been great to capture a recording of that and share it with my chums at the Afterword! Yet sadly no audio or video evidence was taken, so you will have to take my word for it: It was the intestinal earthquake to end them all.

For a while I despaired, saddened by the knowledge that no other human being would be able to share in my glory. Then it came to me. There is a way for all humanity to benefit. Get your digital devices primed today people. Learn from my error. When you feel one brewing, hit record. Put them out there on the ‘net. We need to hear your farts!

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Comments

  2. My god, that properly stank. I’d been much obliged if you’d leave the room immediately, sir. And take that with you, in a locked suitcase if necessary.

  3. As a man gets older, not only does he need to wee more he also needs to ‘cut one loose’.
    I am prodigious in both.

    PS. I used to light them (not wees) back in my art school days.

  19. Can I just add, bearing adman’s justifiable embarrassment from this thread, and his perfectly understandable wish for it to just be forgotten, that nobody adds superfluous comments just to keep it visible in the “recently updated” column? The danger is that it may eventually rise, like a bad smell, into the lower reaches of the “most commented” league table.

    Could everyone please agree to this request?

  22. One can only imagine what poor adman’s going through, having his name associated with botty coughs, for eternity. Thank goodness we all have the maturity and consideration to put it all behind us.

  24. When young and of a juvenile humour but with a scientific bent, I used to lay in the bath and with an upturned graduated cylinder filled with bathwater I would release a gaseous grunt into the afore-mentioned cylinder and from the displaced water I would read off the trouser coughs capacity.
    May have to have another go.

  26. I’m sure adman won’t mind another fond reminiscence before the mods close the thread –

    I’ve only ever seen farts lit once. At a party (it was that kind of party – knocking at the door with a couple of bottles of Nukie Brown, saying you’re a mate of “Dave”). Anyway – forgive an old layabout his ramblings – somebody – a blerk, of that I’m sure – had changed into a pair of damp swimming trunks for the demonstration; a jet of blue flame a foot long, perhaps more. There was some considered applause, and the conversation turned (probably) to why so few girls went to parties.

  29. This star of England: Fortune made his sword;
    By which the world’s best garden be achieved,
    And of it left his son imperial lord.
    Henry the Sixth, in infant bands crown’d King
    Of France and England, did this king succeed;
    Whose state so many had the managing,
    That they lost France and made his England bleed:
    Which oft our stage hath shown; and, for their sake,
    In your fair minds let this acceptance … oof, Christ…. take.

  42. “He that lives upon hope will die farting.”
    ― Benjamin Franklin, Fart Proudly Writings of Benjamin Franklin.
    Not forgetting Le Petomane,
    and the Arab folktale ” The Year of the Fart”.

    • My Uncle Colin had a prodigious talent, justified by his assertion that “a pee without a fart is like a country wedding without music”
      Can’t really argue with that.

  55. As this fruitful thread wafts a crisp drive through the covers to bring up its century, let’s reflect on how this much-derided subject matter has revealed the true level of The Afterword. Sure, we turned up our noses at first, but many soon sniffed an opportunity to indulge their inner Pétomane.

    A quick look at the viewing figures reveals that a tight sphincter is three times more popular with the Massive than Salwarpe’s open ‘O’. And we love farts more than we love pussies. While debate about the quality of BBC drama rages, we see the evidence before us – the people have spoken, and they have spoken through their trousers. The wind is changing; let’s hope it doesn’t backfire.

  58. Historical fact: the biggest hit featuring a recorded fart is The Jacksons Shake Your Body Down To The Ground. At the seven second mark, having consumed a lunch consisting entirely of sprouts and painkillers, Michael lets one rip, causing him to vocally ejaculate an ‘ooh!’ How do you think his trademark ‘ooh’ came about?

    Just give it a listen to hear what I mean.

    He let’s a few more go as the track continues but for the complete immersion emission experience you need the twelve inch version.

  59. Mounting excitement here at The Afterword, as the crowd senses that the unsung ‘Farts’ thread could make it to the top of the ‘Last 7 days’ chart. With ‘BBC’ fading, there’s only ‘Gone to shit’ standing between farts and number one.

    My guess is it’ll end up as a number two.

  60. Just in case you are lost for that missing phrase. Le mot juste as it were.
    Air biscuit
    Air tulip
    Anal audio
    Anal exhale
    Anal salute
    Anus applause
    Answering the call of the wild burrito
    Ass acoustics
    Ass flapper
    Back draft
    Back-end blowout
    Back blast
    Baking brownies
    Bark
    Barking spider
    Barn burner
    Beef
    Beep your horn
    Belching clown
    Benchwarmer
    Blast
    Blat
    Blurp
    Blurt
    Bomber
    Boom-boom
    Booty bomb
    Booty cough
    Bottom blast
    Bottom burp
    Booty belch
    Break wind
    Brown cloud
    Brown haze
    Brown thunder
    Bubbler
    Bull snort
    Bumsen burner
    Bung blast
    Burner
    Burp out the wrong end
    Bust ass
    Butt bazooka
    Butt bongos
    Butt cheek screech
    Butt dumpling
    Butt sneeze
    Butt trumpet
    Butt tuba
    Butt yodeling
    Cheek squeak
    Cheeser
    Colon bowlin’
    Cornhole clap
    Cornhole tremor
    Crack concert
    Crack splitters
    Crap call
    Cut one
    Cut the cheese
    Drifter
    Droppin’ stink bombs
    Duck call
    Exercise the meat nozzle
    Exhume the dinner corpse
    Fanny beep
    Fanny frog
    Fecal fume
    Fire in the hole
    Fizzler
    Flatus
    Floater
    Fluffy
    Free speech
    Frump
    Gas
    Get out and walk Donald
    Great brown cloud
    Grundle rumble
    Grunt
    Gurgler
    Heinie hiccup
    Hisser
    Honker
    Horton hears a poo
    Hot wind
    Hottie
    Human hydrogen Bomb
    Insane in the methane
    Lay an egg
    Let Polly out of jail
    Mouse on a motorcycle
    Nasty cough
    O-ring oboe
    One-man salute
    Orchestra practice
    Panty burp
    Peter
    Pewie
    Pi p
    Poof
    Poop gopher
    Pootsa
    Pop tart
    Power puff
    Puffer
    Putt-putt
    Quack
    Quaker
    Raspberry
    Rattler
    Rectal turbulence
    Ripass
    Ripper
    R oar from the rear
    Rump ripper
    Rump roar
    Silly cyanide
    Slider
    Sphincter siren
    Sphincter whistle
    Spitter
    Split the seam
    Squeaker
    Stale wind
    Steam-press your Calvins
    Steamer
    Step on a duck
    Step on a frog
    Stink it up
    Stinker
    Stinky
    Taint tickle
    Tear ass
    Testing in the Levi wind tunnel
    Thunder from down under
    Thurp
    Toot your own horn
    Tootsie
    Trouser cough
    Trouser trumpet
    Trunk bunk
    Turd tremors
    Turtle burp
    Tushy tickler
    Under thunder
    Wallop
    Whiff
    Whoopee
    Whopper

    • Can I just add “To step on a carpet frog” as a more sophisticated alternative to “Step on a frog”?
      It’s my preferred expression. I use it often. Indeed, a little too often for most people.

  67. Y’know, it occurs to me that we’ve been ignoring the wider context of the fart. It’s not only humans who fart. I was reminded of this by a dog under my desk yesterday, slinking away with an “innocent” look on his face after slipping one out. I had another dog once who’d stare at you accusingly (a Jack Russell – they can do this) after emitting an SBD.

    And it’s common knowledge that a cat fart (NB I didn’t say “pussy fart” @moose-the-mooche) can crack a TV screen.

    • Indeed to the Jack Russell, a colleague’s, who liked to wander around and go to sleep under whichever desk took his fancy. His name was (is) Dave. Now and again there would be an anguished cry of “Dave, for fuck’s sake” or similar, as he let one go. They were evil, and no human could compete – there was no point blaming one of your own on him. His owner used to shrug nonchalantly and say, ‘He’s been eating rabbits again.’

  71. Had a curry last night and …well here I am on this thread.

    Truly impressive numbers adman.Takes a real Blogger extraordinaire to have the insight into the sophistication of the Afterworder and their preferred topics.

    Not that anyone keeps numbers on such things ,HP, but does this top the Lionel/Jeff Beck blogathon numbers.

    But back to the topic is in not the case that cows are the greatest cause of global warming due to flatulence. I’m sure I read that somewhere.

    • Up to a point…cows produce a lot of methane, which is way more powerful than Co2. A cow contributes more to global warming than a car does. But once the Siberian tundra really gets going, cows will fade into insignificance, I suspect.

    • Junior, if memory serves the selfie thread was the most commented, with over a thousand comments. The Lionel Blair/Jeff Beck cage fight didn’t get that many, but Lionel Blair emerged the clear winner as a cultural icon. And guitarist.

      But Adman is to be congratulated on having his name forever ass-ociated on the blog with farts. I refer to them myself now as “Admans”.

  72. A selfie wouldn’t be a bad nickname for a fart either.

    All of the above,entitled thread s would leave the infamous Squirrelgate in the shade.

    Is the word fart onomatopeic ? I reLly could not bring myself to research it?

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