I am not a Premiership footballer. (The only team sport I participate in is Mixed Rounders down the Rugby Club on a Monday night, and this week only three of us turned up so we played a 1991 edition of Trivial Pursuit in the bar instead).
But if I was a professional kickpigsbladderer, I might – like Jermain Defoe – consider advertising for a Personal Assistant to do all those pesky little things I’d love to palm off to someone.
My job spec is in the comments. Feel free to add some more requirements. Or apply. The pay’s shite, mind.