FULL DISCLOSURE: This is going to be a post about a particularly full-blooded evening of karaoke I enjoyed on the Friday just past. It can be considered to be of relatively niche interest, perhaps even provocatively self-serving. It will probably not invoke feelings of warm nostalgia for your lost youth, nor will it enlighten, entertain or satisfy you in any material aspect. You proceed at your own peril.
Fans of intermittent Afterword contributor, incomprehensible hip hop enthusiast and shameless dilettante Bingo Little will doubtless recall with mixed affection and concern said individual’s oft-noted enthusiasm for the noble art of karaoke.
It was, perhaps, inevitable, that Little’s dalliances with that second most masturbatory form of evening entertainment would lead him to darker corners, and so it has proved. A chance meeting with an old colleague some months ago lead to the formation of a crack squad of Karaokeists, each bringing to the table their own unique style or lack thereof, and a commitment to tackling vocal challenges of increasing bombast and splendour.
First blood was drawn back in April, when the team undertook a punishing six hour marathon of howled choruses and botched verses, spread across no fewer than three venues (they kept kicking us out), and taking all those involved deep into both the small hours of the night and the farthest reaches of their own fractured psyches. We may not have stared directly into the void that evening, but we certainly harmonized into it, and the sound that came back – if I can even really call it a sound – was both haunting and strangely clarifying.
Friday night saw the inevitable sequel. Again, a marathon session, again vocal chords pushed beyond all human limits and again, tunes forcibly broken to the will of the collective. I’m reproducing below the full catalogue of songs undertaken (someone had the good sense to keep a list this time round), together with a few hard-won observations. Hopefully, these will be of service to all those who might, at some undetermined time, seek to follow in the tremulous footsteps of that ill-fated Brotherhood of the Mic who, on a sunny Friday evening in July, looked music itself square in the face and did not blink or quaver. When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer – on Friday night, for the first time, I related to homeboy, hard.
Let’s Get In On – Marvin Gaye
What’s going on – Marvin Gaye
I’m your man – George Michael
Brown eyed girl – Van Morrison
Sittin on the dock of the baby – Otis Redding
Johnny Be Good – Chuck Berry
Black or white – Michael Jackson
Uptown Funk – Bruno Mars
Danger Zone – Kenny Loggins
This is Hardcore – Pulp
Dakota – stereophonics
Tracks of my tears – Smokey Robinson
It’s My Life – Talk Talk
No Church In the Wild – Jay Z/Kanye West
Gold Digger – Kanye West
Who’s Got a Match – Biffy Clyro
Pass out – Tinie Tempah
Yeah – Usher
What’s the Difference – Dr Dre
Senorita – Justin Timberlake
My girl – The Temptations
Thinkin Bout You – Frank Ocean
Pyramids – Frank Ocean
Self Esteem – Offspring
Sweet child of mine – Guns n Roses
Made You Look – Nas
Dani California – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Ignition – R Kelly
Mr Jones – Counting Crows
Stand by me – Ben E King
It’s like that – Run DMC
Drift Away – Dobie Gray
Welcome to jamrock – Damien Marley
King of wishful thinking – Go west
Fool to Cry – Rolling Stones
I want you back – Jackson 5
Sexual healing – Marvin Gaye
No woman no cry – Bob Marley
Monkey gone to heaven – Pixies
Purple rain – Prince
Hotline bling – Drake
Regulate – Warren G
Still dre – Dr Dre
Straight Outta Compton – NWA
Higher love – Steve Winwood
Heart shaped box – Nirvana
Street Spirit (Fade Out) – Radiohead
Fat lip – Sum 41
This is how we do it – Montell Jordan
The Chain – Fleetwood Mac
Lovely day – Bill Withers
Mr Brightside – The Killers
My Cherie amour – Stevie Wonder
Voodoo child slight return – Hendrix
Gimme shelter – Rolling Stones
Return of the Mack – Mark Morrison
Bridge over troubled water – Simon and Garfunkel
Smells like teen spirit – Nirvana
Killing in the Name – Rage Against the Machine
I’m the one who wants to be with you – Mr Big
Boys of Summer – Don Henley
Through the Barricades – Spandau Ballet
Concrete schoolyard -Jurassic 5
Talkin about a revolution – Tracy Chapman
* The only song of the evening which can be said to have truly defeated us was Frank Ocean’s Pyramids. I would strongly advocate consigning this to the “do not touch” category – the various shifts in tone are tricky to manage, and the singing is frequently seemingly completely unmoored from the music behind it. It’s also about nine minutes long. Virtually the only fun part was shouting “Cleopatra”, over and over again.
* Surprise discovery of the day was that Welcome to Jamrock is an absolutely stellar karaoke selection. Literally everybody loves shouting “OUT IN THE STREETS, THEY CALL IT MURRRR-DAH”, to the point where it was frequently interjected into the pauses of completely unrelated songs later on (“BRAAAAAVEHEARTS” from Nas’s Made You Look got the same treatment). Two thumbs up, would sing again. Particularly recommend whacking up the reverb, if available, to disguise all manner of toasting fauxs pas.
* No song invites its practitioners to get completely lost in music quite like Sexual Healing. People really do live that shit.
* If you want to do karaoke, but don’t really want to sing (which, let’s face it, is most people’s position, deep down), This Is Hardcore by Pulp is the tune for you. You can pretty much spoken word your way through the entire thing, and look relatively louche and debonair while doing so. Jarvis kicks and hand gestures entirely optional.
* By contrast, if you want to absolutely torch your voice, head directly for Sweet Child of Mine. Ouch.
* Also in the “enormous fun to sing” category: Uptown Funk, Pass Out, Mr Brightside and Return of the Mack.
* You haven’t lived until you’ve segued Street Spirit (Fade Out) into Fat Lip.
This is the bit where I’m supposed to propose something that will lead to a flowing conversation beyond the OP itself. So I’d like to ask: what are your memories of 1970s food, and are there any band names you find particularly irritating?
Yours, lovingly
BL
Wow, after that you deserve to change your name to Mike Drop.
đđđ
Oh, er, Arctic Roll and The Pigeon Detectives.
Arctic Roll and The Pigeon Detectives is a brilliant band name waiting to be snaffled.
What a mean-spirited post.
Sing it loud, sing it proud: it’s good to be free.
I joke, of course. I bloody love a bit of Karaoke. Segueing from Unchained Melody into Who Am I (What’s My Name) is a particular fave.
Niiiiiice.
Ooh err.
Sometimes it is comforting to be so far away from you lot. I was just imagining the tortured notes on that list. Bridge Over Troubled Waters. Blimey.
Good on you
And this was done sober!
Only in my case. Everyone else was wankered long before the end.
I’ve heard you sing pal. They had to be.
I found myself in Banff recently. I donât mean âfound myselfâ in the sense of some kind of self-awareness epiphany. I was just⌠there. We went into The Ship Inn â itâs the pub used for the bar scenes in Local Hero, like you care, and somewhere around the third whisky we heard a strange droning noise coming from a back room. It was a girl called Shona having the Time of Her Life with Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes. Unfortunately Bill and Jen had been detained elsewhere, as Shona probably should have been too.
Partly out of pissed bravado, but mostly to make her stop, I signed up for Honky Tonk Women. I reckoned I could throw some moves like Jagger, and any slurring in my lubricated vocals would be no worse than his these days â Ah merra⌠jinso.. baroom-quinin MemfishâŚ
It went pretty well and the crowd were suitably appreciative. The crowd were my friend and Shona. They didnât exactly say no when I suggested I had a go at Saturday Nightâs Alright For Fighting, so I did. That went well too, although my mate later pointed out Iâd missed the key change a couple of minutes from the end. He and I decided to crown the night with a joint rendition of I Got You Babe, during which the doors flew open and a noisy crowd of beer-breathed oil rig workers walked in in search of a fuck and a fight.
They loved it, because they are very enlightened and not at all phased by two men holding hands and pitching woo at each other via the medium of song. Leaving them wanting more, we took our bow and took our coats.
(apols if off topic)
I too have been known to crown the night with a joint.
Re: “I found myself in Banff recently.”
Was that Banff, Scotland or Banff, Canada, chiz?
The one in Scotland. It’s cold, bleak and unwelcoming and you wouldn’t want to live there. Banff was nice though.
Two things.
Dakota is the only Stereophonics song I like. It’s great
I tried karaoke once – Alison Moyet – All Cried Out (a song I love and sing to myself all the time) – I couldn’t believe the weedy dribble that came out of the speakers. Never again.
But I was very pissed* and full of anonymous bravado**, so I thought, what’s the very worst song I can murder on this list? It was Shania Twain – That Don’t Impress Me Much (a song I despise, detest AND hate). Unsurprisingly, I died on my arse once again. It was like being an untrained housecat having my nose rubbed in the fecal pile I’d just deposited.
Respect to those like Mr Bing O’Little who can pull it off. My spasmodic jerks really came to nothing.
——-
* My second daughter had been born the night before – I was feeling reckless
** The only person in the room who knew me was my father-in-law
Lean into it, dear salwarpe. You must lean into it.
The first album I bought with my own money was Kraftwerk’s Radioactivity. Many a pub has fallen silent as I belt out my A-Game karaoke banger, Radio Stars.
Funken radio sterne
Sterne
Sterne
Sterne
Sterne
etc.
People are so pleased that they actually give me free drinks. They throw them at me, which is sweet, because I’m too busy flailing my hands around to hold a glass.
The only time I’ve done any public Karaoke was in Menorca, 2006. It was the during the World Cup in Germany and by this time the Golden Generation had probably been knocked out by Ronaldo’s wink, Rooney’s stamp and their usual ineptitude at penalties. Of course I contributed to the tournament as much as Theo Walcott did, only he got paid more for it.
Anyway, I digress. There were four of us – my two brothers and my brother-in-law – on the stage. My younger brother and brother-in-law, being the two with the most confidence, were quickly given the role of lead ‘singer’s (call and response) whilst my brother and I harmonised our way through the verses of ‘Any Dream Will Do’. Our success lasted as long as the length of the song and we soon found ourselves back at our table as we were outclassed by a particularly boisterous renditon of ‘It’s Not Unsual’.
My forte, and indeed one, two,three-te is Delilah, the Alex Harvey rather than Sir Tom. No matter how much or often I offer, Mrs Path3 won’t encounter it. Or my singing, arf!
My skills and attitude towards Kara-oke are best summed up by Bill Murray in the brilliant Lost in Translation.
My singing is 100 times worse than Bill and my high water mark was murdering Going Underground which even brought forth complaints, the miserable sods.
It is a great way to see the Japanese at play, especially those who take it so seriously that they practise at home (so very unlike us sophisticated Westerners with our tennis rackets).
Karaoke in a private booth with people you know is great fun. In public, not so much.
Funnily enough…
…. the day after the above-reported Karaoke odyssey was our annual street party. I duly rolled my broken larynx out of bed at the appointed hour, straight out the front door and into the road, where I was immediately informed by a neighbour “great news – we’ve rented a karaoke machine this time!”. Great news indeed.
Out of respect for my voice and the sensibilities of others, I restricted myself to essaying Maggie May and Mr Brightside, to warm (if probably mildly insincere) applause. I can confirm that – horrendously – in this new setting I could actually hear myself sing, which was a definite downside. On the upside, I was also more readily able to discern the shock and awe writ large across the collective visages of friends and family, which, in a very real sense, made the whole thing worthwhile. OUT IN STREET, THEY CALL IT MURRRR-DAH!
Given the frayed chords Rod sounds just the go
That was a major part of the strategy. I also wanted to boot some footballs into the crowd.
Given the torn and frayed chords Rod sounds just the go.
I like doing Elvis when I do Karaoke. Fat Elvis mostly, the only pre-1970 one I would attempt would be “Where Could I Go But To The Lord” but they never have that one, so it’s rhinestones and jumpsuits and TCB logos all the way.
You need to take the material seriously. I genuinely like 70s Elvis, so I’m not there to be all ironic and hammy doing An American Trilogy. No sir. I Just Can’t Help Believin’ is a good, safe choice and can get you into character. See See Rider can take things up a notch, but it’s really Polk Salad Annie where you earn your spurs. You need to have your Lord Have Mercys in order for that one, and the trick is to add just enough vibrato on “Lousianna”. As it’s in the first verse, getting it right sets you up for the rest of the song.
You must have a decent voice to be doing those songs or a significant amount of front, as did Elvis in said era, esp if you were hankering for some gospel.
More front than voice Junior, and to be honest Where Could I Go is beyond me, it’s just my favourite Elvis song that’s all.
I Just Can’t Help Believin’ is doable though, at least if you’re among friends.
Polk Salad Annie. Do you do the talking parts? You’d really need to get into character to hold the audience during the intro. These things are important.
I don’t do the intro as it’s too much, but I’ll have a go at the Lord Have Mercys and all the Mean Vicious Womans. As you say, these things are important. If you don’t at least have a go at them, and you may as well just do Love Me Tender.
You are really at the mercy of the venue when it comes to “story” songs. I remember attempting a particularly trying rendition of “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town” where the entire first verse was omitted by the machine. How is one supposed to capture the hearts and minds of one’s public in those situations, I ask you? I looked like a total amateur.
You know the song I’d like to really have a go at? Prince Charming. I can even remember how to do the dance. What puts me off is the “Ah-hah, eh-hah” bits at the start and the middle. There’s no way I’m doing those.
It wasn’t until I tried Stand and Deliver that I noticed that the verses are spoken.
Everyone can join in on the da-diddley-qua-quas. The chorus of Antmusic is positively dangerous as it can lead to a certain amount of jumping and shouting.
I think Stand & Deliver has the best promo video ever made. There, I’ve said it.
Amen.
“In my day we had real pop stars, crashing through massive windows dressed as highwaymen. Them wut days thy knows”
There’s a bunch of forward steps in the dance moves for that song IIRC. Careful you don’t start too close to the edge of the stage or you’ll have to keep shuffling imperceptibly backwards during the verses.
In all karaoke situations you have to suss out the workspace quite methodically. How wide apart can you plant your betrainered feet? How much room do you have to throw your head – and entire upper body – back for the Money Note of a power-ballad? How much room do you have at your sides for some Joe Cockeresque arm-flailing?
Think once. Think twice. Think three times a lady.
If in doubt…. Power Stance.
Re private vs public karaoke – isn’t it part of the point of karaoke that you expose yourself to maximum public embarrassment? There’s a works karaoke next month in a private room so I guess I’ll be able to do a compare & contrast at the event. I can’t guarantee that the level of note-taking will match this thread’s effort though.
Sadly, a stage and a full audience are not always available. They can also be a distraction: sometimes it’s nice for it to just be you and your buds, lost in music.
If there’s more people on stage than there are watching, you can pretend to be Earth Wind and Fire.
On that note – over the weekend I stumbled across the below footage of my favourite gig of all time, Andrew WK at Kentish Town Forum 2012.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvkv2Uwljic
I have attempted to describe the epoch-defining happening that was this event twice now on this site, with one surviving example here…
Now, gloriously, I can bring to you in full sound and motion actual footage of the bedlam that occurred during the last song of the night, the revolutionary call to arms known to fans as “We Want Fun”.
Clearly, the gig ends with more people onstage than in the audience, but if you look carefully you can also see the following:
* people crowdsurfing across the actual stage itself;
* the youth in the banana costume described in my post above;
* fans hitting the cymbals during the climax to the song;
* multiple people who are not Andrew WK taking over vocal duties.
THIS, my friends, is what music should be all about. I’m seeing him again this November.
I’m sorry, but the sound mix is appalling, and the production values are non-existent – it looks like a Nirvana video FFS. Is there a DTS 5.1 widescreen version?
We don’t need your fascist content quality demands, maaaan.
Just a quick and fascinating update for all the karaoke fans out there. I’m on my way home from the next phase of our karaoke odyssey, and attach this evening’s tracklist.
The Joker – Steve Miller Band
Whole of the moon – The Waterboys
Mo money mo problems – Mase
Born to run – Bruce Springsteen
Like a prayer – Madonna
Birdhouse in your soul – They Might Be Giants
Kiss from a rose – Seal
Take it to the limit – The Eagles
Teenage kicks – The Undertones
Doo wop that thing – Lauryn Hill
Dry your eyes – The Streets
If I ruled the world – Nas
Try again – Aaliyah
Long as I can see the light – Creedence Clearwater Revival
Here comes the hotstepper – Ini Kamoze
Here comes the night – Them
Ill Manors – Plan B
Big for your boots – Stormzy
Animal nitrate – Suede
Everybody wants to rule the world – Tears for Fears
Welcome to Jamrock – Damien Marley
24k Magic – Bruno Mars
I – Kendrick Lamar
Teenagers – My Chemical Romance
Never too much – Luther Vandross
Talking bout a revolution – Traci Chapman
Teardrops – Womack and Womack
Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself – Jess Glynne
God gave rock and roll to you – Kiss
Stairway to Heaven – Led Zep
Everywhere – Fleetwood Mac
The Chain – Fleetwood Mac
Black Beatles – Rae Sremmurd
Hotline Bling – Drake
Sign of the times – Harry Styles
What’s goin on – Marvin Gaye
Despacito – Luis Fonsi
Climax – Usher
The river – Bruce Springsteen
Tunnel of love – Bruce Springsteen
Girls just wanna have fun – Cyndi Lauder
Downtown – Mackelmore
All of the Lights – Kanye West
Bohemian rhapsody – Queen
American boy – Estelle
One dance – Drake
Hanging by a moment – lifehouse
21 questions – 50 cent
He got game – Public Enemy
I wish it would rain down – Phil Collins
Break on through – The Doors
Desperado – The Eagles
You make me feel like a natural woman – Aretha Franklin
Build me up buttercup – The Foundations
Let’s stay together – Al Green
Bullet in the head – Rage Against The Machine
Cochise – Audioslave
Come as you are – Nirvana
All night long – Lionel Ritchie
Bridge over troubled water – Simon and Garfunkel
Sweet child of mine – Guns n Roses
Observations:
* The disadvantage of foreign language songs is that they’re hard. The advantage is that no one knows you’re cocking it up.
* Sign of the Times is tough to sing. That kid has pipes.
* You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman is an amazing song and makes you happy even as you sing it.
* Kiss From A Rose invites lots of harmonising, and is a great karaoke tune. As is Try Again, which is very easy to sing.
* Never Too Much is an incredible tune that can never really be murdered.
* Downtown by Macklemore is the right song to go for when you want to sing Uptown Funk but you don’t want to sing Uptown Funk.
* When the lights came up we’d just cued a ton of Roxette, so that’ll be first port of call next time.
* I’m getting too old for this shit.
Kisses.
Ooh. Take It To The Limit! I wonder what state your testicles will be in after that high C at the end.
I would describe them as missing in action.
I did think of you during the Kendrick, tigs.
Missing in action or absent without leave?
That remains to be seen, he squeaked.
Did you love yourself?
What I do outside karaoke hours is no one’s business but my own.
I meant during the karaoke. Kendrick demands it, doesn’t he?
I think the people I was with would have objected if I’d done it during the karaoke.
(For what it’s worth, I did enjoy soloing the “and when you’re looking at me/tell me what do you see/ I put a bullet in the back of the back of the head of the poleeee” bits).
Dry Your Eyes? Major buzzkill, dude.
Not my selection, and it was indeed a buzzkill, particularly coming as it did between two Lauryn Hill powered masterpieces.
Additional update on recent karaoke misdeeds. Lengthy session into the wee small hours of Saturday night. Our initial remit was to spin the classics, but we also tried a few new things along the way.
Never too much – Luther Vandross
Teardrops – Womack and Womack
Sexual healing – Marvin Gaye
Whatâs going on – Marvin Gaye
Ignition – R Kelly
This is how we do it – Montell Jordan
Boys of summer – Don Henley
Wonderful world – Sam Cooke
No diggity – Blackstreet
Pass out – Tinie Tempah
Just the way you are – Billy Joel
Gimme shelter – Rolling Stones
Iâll be around – the spinners
Young hearts run free – Candi Staton
A girl like you – Edwyn Collins
Kiss from a Rose – Seal
Uptown funk – Bruno Mars
Hotline Bling – Drake
Regulate – Warren G
Sign of the times – Harry Styles
Canât get enough of your love – Barry White
Big for your boots – stormzy
This is a manâs manâs manâs world – James brown
Stand By Me – Ben E King
Pump up the jam – Technotronic
Papa was a rolling stone – The temptations
Build me up buttercup – The Foundations
Welcome to jamrock – Damien Marley
Sitting on the dock of the bay – Otis Redding
Juicy – Notorious BIG
Youâve lost that lovin feeling – The Righteous Brothers
Hold On Iâm Coming – sam and Dave
A message to you Rudy – the specials
Made you look – Nas
Unchained Melody – righteous brothers
Ill manors – plan B
Senorita – Justin Timberlake
End of the Road – Boys II Men
Ex factor – Lauryn Hill
Natural woman – Aretha Franklin
All night long – Lionel Richie
Jump around – House of pain
Return of the Mack – Mark Morris
Could You Be Loved – Bob Marley
Make me wanna – Usher
Love in this club – Usher
Lemme see – Usher
Yeah – Usher
All The Lights – Kanye West
Fat Lip – Sum 41
Mr Loverman – Shabba Ranks
Family Affair – Mary J Blige
Tainted Love – soft cell
Passionfruit – Drake
Alive – Pearl Jam
Gimme the light – Sean Paul
Zombie – Cranberries
Brown eyed girl – Van Morrison
King of wishful thinking – Go West
Changes – Tupac
Canât take my eyes off you – Frankie Valli
Are you gonna go my way – Lenny Kravitz
Under pressure – Queen/Bowie
Sweet child of mine – Guns n Roses
Observations:
* We could not sign Ex Factor. Like, at all. Itâs a really simple song, but Lauryn Hill has pipes for days. Always hate to butcher a classic.
* Zombie – tremendously satisfying group howl along. Lots of room to âdo the accentâ. Two thumbs up.
* I had suspected that Alive would be tough, but on the evidence of our run through Eddie Vedder has been nicking a living. Very straightforward karaoke material.
* The Usher segment was worth it for the immortal lyric âImma give it to you non stop, and I donât care whoâs watchingâ. Make Me Wanna is also a chooon.
* The final verse of No Diggity is irredeemably horrendous, no matter who sings it.
Some Lauryn Hill, on me.