on the Tom Waits thread, @salwarpe came out with this corker;
Back in the seventies, he was briefly considered as the lead singer for a revitalised Herman’s Hermits.
Tom Waits for Noone?
This made me think of another gag I like;
I saw Gilbert O’Sullivan in the bank at lunchtime & when I asked what what he was there for he replied with ‘A loan again, naturally”
Any others ?
Two DJs chatting…
DJ 1… Shall we go to the cinema later?
DJ 2… Who’s the projectionist?
I made one up for a jokes thread ages ago.
It was tortuous and tenuous, but here it is again.
Bjorn Ulvaeus walked into a bar.
No audition, nothing.
Boy George was ordered by a court to get rid of an angry reptile he owned.
He was told to buy a calmer chameleon
When questioned about his progress, a man who was studying Zappa and his works, in order to attain enlightenment, replied “It’s difficult, to be perfectly Frank.”
Someone approached Jon Anderson in the street.
»I really like your former band!«
»Yes?«
»I said, I REALLY LIKE YOUR FORMER BAND…«
What would a certain Royal wear if he was auditioning for The Beach Boys? Speados.
* I know etc….*
Elton John regularly puts his rabbit on a treadmill.
It’s a little fit bunny
What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the arrangement into a drum machine once.
What’s the difference between a drummer and a chiropodist?
A chiropodist bucks up the feet.
You must have heard about the rock guitarist who managed to lock his keys in his car?
He had to get the bass player to smash a window and let the drummer out.
Tea/keyboard.
What’s the difference between a trampoline and a viola?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Ah, viola jokes. I had forgotten they were a genre.
‘What’s the best way to stop your violin from being stolen?’
‘Keep it in a viola case.’
Being a folkie, I usually hear the banjo jokes, but here’s one I heard this weekend.
‘How can you tell that it’s a folk singer waiting at the door?’
‘He doesn’t know when to come in.’
What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion?
No-one cries when you cut a banjo in half
‘How can you tell that it’s a folk singer waiting at the door?’
‘He doesn’t know when to come in.’
It was a drummer when I heard that joke. 🙂
I thought that drummers would speed up when knocking on the door.
I heard that for a singer at the door “They can’t find the right key”
A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo, but doesn’t.
Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: Throwing an accordion into a skip without hitting the sides.
Q: What’s the range of an accordion?
A: About ten yards with a good throw.
Definition of a gentleman?
Someone who can play the banjo but chooses not to.
Hey thanks, Twang! That’s a great gag. Gets better every time I hear it!
Oh whoops! I was in a turgid meeting and didn’t read the thread properly!
‘Why are there no banjos on Star Trek?’
‘It’s the future.’
‘How long does it take to tune a banjo?’
‘Nobody knows.’
Heard about the suicidal drummer? He threw himself behind an oncoming train.
Very kind, @seanioio. I’m not going to top that, so might as well give you a stinker.
Every ex-footballer needs a new career and Jens Lehmann is no exception. Being German, he of course fancies himself as a rock musician. But he’s had enough of ‘back of the stage’ roles – he wants to sing. So he heads off to Australia to audition as vocalist for his favourite pub/funk/stadium rock band – INXS.
Somewhat down at heel after their glory years, they’re currently to be found warming up on the last night of a scouting jamboree. The Farriss brothers like the oddity of having a German goalkeeper barking ‘Need You Tonight’ over their dynamic dance rock sound, but shortstaffed they first ask him to help out with setting up the sound equipment for the performance:
“Mike all huts, Jens!”
Dogs don’t come any shaggier, Sal!!
A pedant writes:
“Mic.” not “Mike”.
I am very dull.
Sigh. Shall we go down this rabbit hole?
Opinion is divided. On one hand. On the other hand. On the third hand.
Meanwhile, here’s a joke:
A pedant goes to the doctor
Doctor says “you have fewer than 5 days to live”
The pedant replies, “actually in this case it would be ‘less’”
Doctor says “alright, 4 days then”
Ha! I’m stealing that
I was wrongfully arrested for constantly playing Engelbert Humperdinck records.
Police released me, let me go
From the classical department:
What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
With a bull the horns are at the front and the arsehole’s at the back.
I was enjoying a performance by the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra, and the the bloke on the triangle disappeared.
Oldie but goodie…
Now do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s bill withers.
I was a triangle player for a reggae orchestra.
I just stood at the back n’ ting..
Mike Love and Brian Wilson walk into a bar. A fight ensues over who’s getting the first round in.
I saw a good quip in the paper during the G7 Summit. It suggested that next we need a C Major Summit to resolve everything.
From Shooting Stars (many years ago)
What’s Amy Winehouse’s favourite tube station?
High Barnet
Q: What do Grateful Dead fans say when they run out of dope?
A: What IS this awful music?