(with all credit to Dr Buckles)
Came up with this yesterday after encountering a road bearing the name Barnes Wallis.
“Just driven down Barnes Wallis Avenue and it was full of large sightseeing coaches getting in my way.
Damn Bus Tours”
and this from a few years back when John Lydon nee Rotten started advertising butter on TV
“He’s only doing it cos Anchor is an energy”
Any gags that you’ve come up with of late that you wish to share?
What’s David Bowie’s favourite biscuit?
Tiny Biscotti.
What food is most likely to loosen a Geordie’s bowels?
A haddock wrap.
A mate of mine was doing a crossword a couple of days ago. I looked over his shoulder to see how he was doing, & I saw one of his answers was TOAST.
When I looked at the corresponding clue, it said “To egg on”
Why did the Afterworder cross the road?
To get to the fairport convention.
How do you fit 4 Afterworders into a minibreakfast?
2 in the front and 2 in the back.
*thwack*
What did the Afterworder say when he saw a herd of pink elephants coming over the hill?
“That’ll teach me for eating Rob C’s herby dumplings.”
What did the Afterworder say when he saw a herd of pink elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he was too catatonic.
Knock Knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dave Edmunds.”
“I hear you knocking.”
How many Afterworders does it take to change a lightbulb?
200. 1 to change the lightbulb and 199 to complain that the new lightbulb isn’t as good as the old one.
What’s yellow and dangerous?
Track 6 of Revolver.
What’s yellow and dangerous?
The first VU album.
The fourth little pig’s house, which was made of sweet corn.
A rubber ducky which has been possessed by The Devil.
A discarded hi viz vest blown by the wind onto the visor of a motorcyclist’s helmet on a road where Thunderbird 4 has been parked on double yellow lines irresponsibly by Homer Simpson after drinking too much egg nog.
Is it custard with razor blades in it?
Looking at the sun through a magnifying glass if you’re an ant?
Is it a skip with a bear in it?
A parachute made from cheese?
Bringing butter to a knife fight?
Is it Big Bird with Michael Jackson hiding inside?
A catapult made from Shane MacGowan’s underpants?
That last one. Ew.
Is it mistakenly booking Boris Blank’s cousin Boris Live Ammunition?
Is it a fireman’s helmet full of snakes?
Is it operating a JCB while peeling a banana?
Is it a Smegasaurus?
Is it a Coldplay record left on a shiny floor?
Is it Bernie Lifton’s ostrich after Bernie’s passed out?
Is it planting the Vatican City flag on the Shankhill Road?
Is it ISIS in Mr Happy onesies?
Is it a psychopath with liver failure?
Is it a post-it note impregnated with typhus?
Is it Donovan lying in wait behind a bush waiting for someone with a heart condition to come past?
Is it a hand grenade in a fruit bowl disguised as a lemon?
Is it really sharp marzipan?
Is it The way Pac Man come to life in the Pixels trailer might tempt you to actually pay to watch that sh*t?
If I had the opportunity to go out for a meal with ABBA, then I would.
And if I had to do it all again, I would my friend … for Nandos
I was arrested for playing Engleburt Humperdink at very high volume.
Eventually the police relesased me, they let me go
Went for a curry with Abba and they ordered for me while I was in the loo.
Bastards wouldn’t tell me what I was eating. I had to guess
In the end I just lost my rag and yelled “Chicken Tikka? Tell me the truth!”
I keep singing “Green Green Grass Of Home”
Doctor says I have Tom Jones Syndrome
“Is that common?” I asked
He said “It’s Not Unusual”
Remember back in the 70s when you could buy those planters for your garden made from recycled inverted car tyres (really!). I hadn’t realised Elvis Costello was the inventor. He’d happily sell you a Goodyear for the Roses.
I found out recently that Tweety-Pie the animated bird in a cage was recently caught up in some of the Arab Spring upheaval. On his safe return to the States he was quoted as saying “I thought I thaw a coup d’etat!”
What do you call an Irish man with a set of French doors on his head?
Paddy O’Doors
I am here forever…
I was told that we’d had an applicant who knew about submarines today. I said we shouldn’t discount him as he might have hidden depths.
True story, I’m here all week.
This has a vintage patina on it, but I came up with it all by myself…
Britain has been forced to float the pound. Is that what they mean by casting your bread upon the waters?
Boom, boom and thrice boom.
a long time ago, i heard the best joke in the world. everyone who heard it agreed. it was, firstly, genuinely lol quality. elicited a guffaw every time. secondly, it was clever without being too clever. everyone understood it. thirdly, it was well-intentioned, not sarcastic or cruel.
i can’t remember it. and when i’ve contacted those who knew it back then, noone else can either, although they remember it as the best joke in the world.
Whatever happened to the Dead Kennedys?
I hear that Jello Biara is now a taxi driver in LA. Yeah, he’s driving for a company named California Uber Alles.
Back in the 90s, I made up the following about Mr Saucington’s fave band:
The Lighthouse Family?
Their career is on the rocks…
Blur? – their future is looking hazy
Belly? – doesn’t look like they have the stomach for it
Big Country? – I don’t get it, there’s four of them…
I think I made this joke up as I lay in bed this morning waiting for the alarm to go off, although there is every possibility it was in Smash Hits 30 years ago:
Q: Who is the tidiest rock star?
A: Bruce Springclean.
Spruce Springclean surely.
“Officer, I have lost my trousers. They must have been stolen!”
“Can you describe the trousers for me, Sir?”
“They’re black – and they’re far too long for me.”
“Don’t worry Sir, I’m sure they’ll turn up.”
“I’ve decided to keep bees”
“How nice – are you going to have your own apiary?”
“No! I said BEES.”
Genius joke.
I really love garden furniture.
Just putting it out there.
One for @twang
So, this woman is in court accused of attacking her husband with one of his huge guitar collection.
“First offender?” asked the judge.
“No, m’lud. It was the Gibson Les Paul first. The Fender was second”
The Skids may have disbanded over 30 years ago but they left their mark.
I’ve come up with 3 in the last year.
You asked for them….
1). Why did the lead singer of Prefab Sprout join Half Man Half Biscuit?
Because he was Partly Macaroon.
2). Hey Siobhan! Are you making shield out of those plantains?
No, it’s banana armour.
3). What do you call a 3-headed tap dancing dog?
Cerberus Forsyth.
‘shields’ – not shield.
I did genuinely make this one up:
What do you call a singing skinhead granny? Head-shear nan. Geddit?