In the Blatter thread, Vulpes suggests that since we invented the game, we make some changes to the rules, sorry Laws, of the sport.
I think this is an excellent suggestion. I propose the following to stamp the inherently English origin of football back on the game.
This is what I propose:
1. Insist that all players wear woolen shirts and plus two trousers.
2. Rename positions such as Midfielder to Yeoman Half-Eighths and Striker to Advanced Bowman Major.
3. Insist that all transfers are calculated in Guineas and paid as their Farthing amount.
4.The pitch be the same size and dimensions as the graveyard of Winchester Cathedral. Graves and headstones an optional extra that the Home team may impose.
5. The goals should be unfeasibly small at one end and unfeasibly large at the other.
6. Only one “half” known as a “half” should be played. Thereby, giving the team winning the toss and choosing to kick towards the unfeasibly large goal an unfair advantage.
Addendum to law: Needless to say, that any English team winning the toss will always choose to kick towards the unfeasibly small goal, handing an outrageous advantage to their opponents.
Gentlemen and Ladies (if they be present) I commend these changes to the house. Thus restoring the proper role of lopsidedness, gentlemanliness and the capricious mechanism of Fate to its rightful place at the heart of our beautiful game
Any other suggestions for rules of Sports various to be redrawn under more nationalistic guidelines welcomed herewith and heretofore.
Thank you.
At least one player on the field must be named Nobby.
Let’s make it at least one and a half players on each team, but three if the team is of Latvian origin.
Corinthian spirit should be applied to penalties which were “…a standing insult to sports men to have to play under a rule which assumes that players intend toe tip, hack and push opponents and to behave like cads of the first kidney”.
So this will mean that the goalkeeper will stand aside if a penalty is given against England. If England are awarded a penalty, we will gently tap it to then goalkeeper.
If an opponent is injured or sent off, we will retire a player to keep the two sides balanced.
Here is a new rule for a Dutch style of football:
Before the match the manager has to hand in a tactical plan. 16 pages minimum. A tv panel of grumpy old bastards decides who wins, which is the team that most rigorously stuck to the tactical plan.
I think there should be Dutch-style Total Football coverage.
Every twenty minutes Gary Lineker swaps places with the cameraman, the floor manager replaces Simon , Alan Shearer hums the Goal of the Month music, and so on. The opposition – ie the viewers – are left in disarray.
Anything that means I don’t have to tolerate the interminably tedious Shearer droning on in his nasal monotone is alright by me.
But if he gets put temporarily in charge of the graphics, those nicky little diagrams they draw in mid-air to show What They Should Have Done, Look At That Space and all that, will be done on a big f***off piece of sugar paper with a wax crayon.
This Gooner is way ahead of you:
https://mobile.twitter.com/arsenalgent
Comments yesterday (and can we please talk at length about yesterday?) include “Goring Hildred with a nonchalant cat kicker” and “Let’s all have a foxtrot, let’s all have a foxtrot, La la la la la la la la”. Also refers to Per Mertesacker as “Lord Peregrine”.
Arsenal Gent is a genius. 🙂
Lovely goal from Whizzbang Saunders.
The effrontery of the fellow! Had to prevail upon my faithful native retainer to fish my monocle from my Darjeeling as my eyes widened in outrage. Outsmarted by a Woolwich Bombardier, the very idea!
A chap may not tackle another chap until they have been formally introduced.
All sport to be played in black and white . . .
This reminds me of my Grandad, who died 20 years ago next month. He was a huge footie fan and he bloody loved this sketch.