Older readers may remember a brief period in the history of brief periods during which it became the vogue (darling) to apologise for stuff you didn’t actually do yourself but thought you should apologise for. Politicians outvied – is that a word? outvied? looks funny somehow – each other to see what awful event, such as the sarcastic treatment of marsupials during WWII, they could apologise for. Then Trump came along, a man who has never been remotely apologetic in his life although presented with countless self-made opportunities, and this Happy Notion was forgotten. I’m pretty sure all the major bases have been covered – all the big historical outrages have already been taken – but there are still smaller things we should apologise for (like leaving a preposition dangling at the end of a sentence) and in this thread I offer Afterworders the opportunity to step up to the plate – OMG did I just type that? OMG did I just type OMG? – and take responsibility for some infraction of taste, solecism, or bad judgement. So, you know. Be sorry about something.
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H.P. Saucecraft says
I’m sorry for those Sudden Sway albums, especially the one in a box.
Moose the Mooche says
I’m sorry you haven’t a clue.
H.P. Saucecraft says
You’re one sorry S.O.B.
Moose the Mooche says
I’m sorry with a fringe on top.
nigelthebald says
I’m sorry I haven’t a fringe.
nigelthebald says
(Sorry – I was lying.)
Moose the Mooche says
Your suedette jacket is lovely!
nigelthebald says
Sorry?
nigelthebald says
Oh, *that* old thing.
*simpers*
Rigid Digit says
H.P. Saucecraft says
I’m sorry I called Mike Thep a “human Croc shoe”.
mikethep says
Water off a croc’s back.
duco01 says
I’m sorry I made those snide remarks to that wombat during the battle of El Alamein.
Moose the Mooche says
Well, really.
Black Celebration says
Bit of a sidebar here, but there was a disgraced British politician about 20 years ago (name of Davies?) who wrote something in very tiny biro writing on his hand. When he resigned and took a press conference, he held his hands in such a way that this tiny inky smudge could be seen by the cameras. You could only read it if the image was enlarged. It said “sorry”.
H.P. Saucecraft says
I’ve tried googling “hand” and “resigned” and “job” but the results have been ambiguous at best.
mikethep says
Rearrange those three words and we’re back to Harv.
H.P. Saucecraft says
I set ’em up …
Moose the Mooche says
Ron Davis, then Welsh secretary. Something about Clapham Common. And yes, almost exactly 20 years ago.
We haven’t had a decent sex scandal in British politics for ages.
For shame!
Black Celebration says
That’s not entirely true – there’s the discovery of David Cameron’s ménage a trois with both Pinky and Perky when he was young, impetuous and at Eton. No wonder they had high voices.
Dave Ross says
If some ignorant half wit barges past me on the street I instinctively say “sorry”. I am British and therefore genetically forced to be apologetic. I would make a great politician.
H.P. Saucecraft says
Sorry to hear that, Dave.
Tiggerlion says
I’m sorry I got involved in the first place.
Moose the Mooche says
With what? Rugby sevens? The Afterword? A foursome with Haysi Fantayzee and an unnamed Dyson salesman?
We are intrigue!
Tiggerlion says
You think you are doing someone a small favour, a simple human kindness, one thing leads to another and before you know it you are wearing a forensic oversuit, masks and gloves, contemplating the meaning of life.
Moose the Mooche says
Been there, blud.
H.P. Saucecraft says
Nobody wants to step up and take moral responsibility for the second season of Fargo?
Colour me disappoint.
JustB says
Oh I really, really enjoyed it, so I’m perfectly happy to apologise for it.
Arthur Cowslip says
I’m sorry for Bob’s poor taste in TV.
JustB says
I’m sorry that over a long posting history Arthur has shown himself unable to distinguish arse from elbow on matters of culture, and further sorry that a season of television that received such unanimous and deserved acclaim is so obviously over his head. 😋
Arthur Cowslip says
Just wait for my imminent Pentangle box set review! I’ll show you culture and taste!
Moose the Mooche says
Lawks! Can any words me more calculated to strike fear into the hearts of all good men than…. “wait for my imminent Pentangle box set review”.
Trump should try this out on North Korea. That fat kid would shit his pants.
duco01 says
“Trump should try this out on North Korea. That fat kid would shit his pants.”
Not so fast, Moosey.
I have it on good authority that Kim Jong-Un likes to put on his old vinyl copy of “Basket of Light” of an evening and enjoys it while tucking into a nice bowl of bibimbap and namul.
Mike_H says
Mike_H says
H.P. Saucecraft says
Gawd that’s lovely.
Neela says
What? The second season is the best. Now the third, that´s the one to apologise for. I would like to say I´m sorry for the third season of Fargo and also, I´m sorry for assuming my opinion stands above yours, H.P. Saucecraft.
Would also like to apologise for the second side of Moondance not being as good as the first one. And for the first and second side of Be Here Now not being as good as the second side of Moondance.
H.P. Saucecraft says
These apologies do you great credit.
(But – you liked the second season of Fargo? With the UFO and everything and no Billy-Bob?)
Neela says
(Yes, I did. No Billy-Bob is always a mistake, but yes. I stand by the second season. Wasn´t as keen on the third season. 2-1-3 for me.)
Tiggerlion says
I’m sorry. I liked all three Fargos.
Moose the Mooche says
Not acceptable. You have to have a heirarchy, or else we can’t have lists. And then where would we be? Eh?
Neela says
How about the movie?
Tiggerlion says
Oh yes. Love that too.
Bingo Little says
Me too!
H.P. Saucecraft says
*facepalm*
Billybob Dylan says
Neela says
“… Billy-Bob is always a mistake…”
I’m sorry you think that.
H.P. Saucecraft says
Wars can be started with misquotes such as this, I’m sorry to say.
Moose the Mooche says
Wars started by mosquitoes? You be trippin’!
H.P. Saucecraft says
Not “mosquitoes”, dummy. Mojitos.
An inexpertly-shaken Daiquiri was responsible for the Napoleonic Wars. Ask Mr Thep – he was at the end of the bar that night.
mikethep says
No, that was Uncle Ernie.
Moose the Mooche says
He was also excellent in Twin Peaks.
H.P. Saucecraft says
Mike was Wilson, Keppel & Betty’s roadie for many years. he had to sweep up after, and wash the sand for the next performance.
Moose the Mooche says
Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends.
moseleymoles says
In our trawl through the oeuvre of Arnold I encouraged our impressionable children to watch Red Heat. That is two hours of our life we will never get back, for which I am sorry. James Belushi is an actor whose appeal, never clear to me at the time, now mystifies me completely.
Bingo Little says
I will speak up for James Belushi.
He gave able support in some decent movies in the 80s (Trading Places, About Last Night, Jumpin’ Jack Flash, Little Shop of Horrors, Who’s Harry Crumb, etc), and there are also a handful of flicks where he took the lead and things turned out OK – Mr Destiny and Filofax spring immediately to mind. I’m also a big fan of his loopy, over the top teacher-turned-vigilante movie, The Principal.
Obviously, he’s not his brother. But he has a kind of schlubby everyman thing going on that can work if used right.
Arthur Cowslip says
He was also excellent in Twin Peaks.
Moose the Mooche says
On the other hand, they got The Last Action Hero, which is a work of genius. I mean that!
“…..not to be!”
moseleymoles says
Ok they have done the premier Arnies:
Terminator 1 and 2
Total Recall
The pushing for promotion:
Predator
Championship:
Commando
Terminator 3
True Lies
Running Man
Twins
After that’s its very lower-league stuff. LAH is excrable, I might just extend to an itv4 tivo of Raw Deal but that is it. I am done kids, when it comes to Junior, Kindergarten Cop or Batman and Robin you are on your own.
Moose the Mooche says
He was also excellent in Twin Peaks.
MC Escher says
Stop Press: Predator 30th Anniversary Special Edition in 2D Max, in cinemas November 11th!!
Eel Market edition (without audience heads & popcorn soundtrack) 4 hours later!!
MC Escher says
Sorry to butt in.
H.P. Saucecraft says
Actually I prefer the Eel Market versions with the peoples’ heads and chatter and blurred, wobbly image, because it replicates the cinema experience.
Bingo Little says
Where are Conan and Jingle All The Way?!
I’ve already told Bob this story, but last week my kids (7 and 3) were being ushered towards the front door for the school run, when I suddenly found myself shouting “GET TO DA CHOPPER”.
Both kids started asking what it meant, so I told them it was from a movie called Predator. Then they asked about Predator and – like an idiot – I started telling them the basic plot: army dudes, out in the jungle, being chased by an alien.
About halfway through the explanation, I looked down at their little faces and realised that this sort of thing is basically the stuff of pre-school nightmares. At this point, they asked (or rather, demanded) to see a picture of the alien, which is categorically the stuff of nightmares for just about any kid.
After much badgering, I relented – OK, you can see the alien if you both get your coats on. And then I showed them this (you may need to click through)….
I now have two children who arrive at the school gate on their scooters yelling “GET TO DA CHOPPER”, much to the evident disapproval of the other parents. But at least they sleep at night.
RubyBlue says
If it’s any consolation, my son shouts ‘GET TO DA CHOPPER ‘ in an Arnie accent at least twice a day.
(Heard it on YouTube gameplay vids.)
He’s good at impressions #soproud #blessed #makingmemories
moseleymoles says
From experience 14-16 is the perfect age for Arnie films. And yes, their chief joy is validating all those memes at the true source. @bingo-little they have seen Jingle All The Way way back, completely rubbish even when they were 8. Never seen Conan, never seen the 8th day either.
@ruby-blue in the top 5 quotes along with ‘I need your boots, your leathers and your motorcycle’ for repeatability by offspring, and ‘Consider this a Diworce’
RubyBlue says
Ha! Yes, he does a great take on ‘your boots…..’ substituting any three relevant items.
Oh GOD I am a terrible parent.
I’m sorry.
ruff-diamond says
Surely neither of you are forgetting “IT’S NADDA TOOMAH!!”?
moseleymoles says
@ruff-diamond @ruby-blue
How could I forget from Commando our house regularly resounds with
‘Ccccchhhhennnniiiiii’
Plenty of material there for their Oxbridge interview.
ruff-diamond says
You must wake up each morning thanking the good lord above that your house doesn’t regularly resound with
fuck you, asshole!
fuck YOU, asshole!!
RubyBlue says
A tangent, but I keep promising just how much he will love South Park when he is older.
He has been heard to say ‘America, **ck yeah’, with the ‘**ck’ sounding like a strangled ‘nnck’. As he knows how much I strongly disapprove of swearing.
moseleymoles says
@rubyblue we broke them in to S Park when we went to New York. Struck by how mild the early series, which focused on the kids rather than Trump or tiger Woods, are now. They are ready for Team America: World Police. And yes, they know what you watch is not what you do. Most of the time.
RubyBlue says
Yeah mine is actually very good at distinguishing reality and fiction, context, appropriateness etc. Just getting that in there before any pearl-clutchers have the vapours. 🙂
I’m quite jealous of exactly how many great films and TV progs he has ahead of him, and hopefully music other than ‘Danger Zone’ and They’s ‘U-RITE’.
H.P. Saucecraft says
They are ready for Team America? The sex scene with the scat an’ everything? I’m still not ready for that and I’ve seen it lots.
Bingo Little says
Boooo! You do yourself no credit bad-mouthing Jingle All The Way. In many ways, his masterpiece.
Bingo Little says
My single favourite Arnie quote is from an interview he gave, circa End of Days, in which he said the following:
“My cha-rak-ter reealizes that he cannot fighyt zer devil vis convenshunol weapons”.
Pure gold. And so, so true.
Kid Dynamite says
one ugly motherf…oh, hang on
chiz says
I’d like to apologise to all those Afterworders I’ve failed to offend over the years. It’s not personal – I promise I will get around to insulting you, but there’s only so many hours in the day
Rigid Digit says
Looking forward to your hate filled words of derision, ya big b*stard
chiz says
Up yours, Stifffinger!
mikethep says
I’m offended that you think anyone’s offended.
Lodestone of Wrongness says
I would like to apologise for never getting to these threads in time but most of all I would like to apologise for every Tim Roth movie after Pulp Fiction
moseleymoles says
Did you make your kids watch them? you are one sick individual.
I see from Wikipedia he has made almost 50 films since PF, of whIch I have watched 0. He’s my film kryptonite. Will probably get round to Hateful 8 though. But not his turn as Sepp.
Gary says
And nary a decent one among them. But that telly drama Rillington PLace were good.
Arthur Cowslip says
He was also excellent in Twin Peaks.
Tiggerlion says
But not Tin Star.
bungliemutt says
I’m sorry I’m late to the party – some of us have to work y’know. I’m also sorry I had no lunch today and had to compensate by quaffing a vat of wine this evening. I’m sorry I started reading this thread. In fact I’m just a shorry shorry mesh of a man…….
*Sobs uncontrollably*
*Slams door, and hits forehead with fist when leaving thread*
retropath2 says
I make a habit of never saying I am sorry. But you will be.
H.P. Saucecraft says
Somebody has to be sorry for tea bags on strings, and it’s damn well not going to be me.
mikethep says
Especially Tea Pigs.
retropath2 says
Especially those red ones on the bathroom floor. Roobos or summit, isn’t it?
Moose the Mooche says
Tea Pigs…. really tentative early Black Sabbath demo
H.P. Saucecraft says
Serious question. That game where you had tiny little pigs made of soft plastic, and you had to throw them, scoring points for the way they landed … do people still play that?
Black Celebration says
Hells yeah! My favourite one is “Makin’ Bacon” where you get extra points if the pigs look like they’re copulating. Fwoooar!
davebigpicture says
Known as a Cameron
mikethep says
Pass the Pigs. Double Snouter, eh? Eh?
Diddley Farquar says
“Sorry seems to be the hardest word” sang our Reg. Well Bernie, I am sorry but I think you’re vocabulary is rather lacking in that case. How about floccinaucinihilipilification, to take just one example of many? I apologise therefore on behalf of the UK for the dreadful lyrical travesties inflicted on the world by this pair of nincompoops (another word harder than sorry).
H.P. Saucecraft says
To be fair, the original version was “floccinaucinihilipilification seems to be the hardest word”, which is a much more prototypically Bernie lyric, but Reg had difficulty getting his mouth around it (a common problem with Bernie, apparently) and inadvertently blurted “sorry!” instead. Thus, a popular song was born.
Tony Japanese says
In the defence of the accused, the lyric states the following ‘What do I say when it’s all over, and sorry seems to be the hardest word?’ This to me suggests Messrs Dwight and Taupin (Turpin? Turnpike?) are merely posing a hypothetical question based on events that have somehow rendered their vocabulary significantly below the expected level of an educated male.
Incidentally the lyric includes words that are more difficult to pronounce than ‘sorry’ – (see exhibit A – absurd, lightning, situation) so there appears to be an underlying medical issue that is being discused here.
The sad situation, to reference the above-mentioned song is that Ert and Bernie are never provided with an answer to this conumdrum, and therefore neither are we.
Black Celebration says
I have been studying Indian languages recently and memorising dictionaries from that part of the world. I can confirm that sari is the hardest word.
(Bob Mortimer – Athletico Mince)
Tiggerlion says
I’m sorry for calling the ball ‘out’ when it was ‘in’, so my ten year old son won the point.
Moose the Mooche says
Don’t apologise to us.
APOLOGISE TO HIM
Tiggerlion says
My son has forgiven me.
Moose the Mooche says
Afterword T-shirt…
Beezer says
I’m sorry but I’ve got nothing to be sorry about.
H.P. Saucecraft says
Not even The Laughing Gnome?
Beezer says
Ha Ha Ha. Hee Hee Hee.
No, sorry, you can’t catch me.
fentonsteve says
I’d give it a minute if I were you.
Sorry.
minibreakfast says
“I’ve just released a new fragrance.”
Rob C says
I’m sorry that I never got fucked up the arse by the fat beardy dude in Hollywood. I’m not gay, or any anything, but it sure beats my local Waitrose. Does he have connections in John Lewis?
H.P. Saucecraft says
You should say you did anyway. You could start a class action suit with other disaffected Waitrose customers. During the “I was fucked up the arse by the fat beardy dude” hearings you could all suddenly reveal anti-Waitrose t-shirts and start chanting slogans. That should make Waitrose wake up to its consumer pledge.