Knives and Spoons

Author:Alasdair Gill

While some will be familiar with food critic AA Gill’s writing for The Times, fewer likely know of the two chefs in his immediate family; brother Nick and son Alisdair. Alisdair’s book may seem to be about the culinary arts, anchored by his journey from Kitchen Porter to Head Chef. Indeed there are many recipes (actually, for me, too many). However, the main course (sorry…) here is really family, relationships and the shadow cast over them by addiction.

There’s no shortage of books about addiction and recovery. Indeed, Gill senior wrote one of the better ones, “Pour Me”. Alasdair wastes no time introducing us to his own drink and drug dependencies. Aged 26 working with a small number of other barely functional addicts at a restaurant called the Plum Gate in London’s east end, his constant need for drink and drugs has to be funded somehow, and restaurant kitchens are one of the few places an addict can do both. His description of daily kitchen service is visceral with a side of dark humour.

Gill’s masterful turn of words elevates what could easy be just another sordid treaty in self-pity into something genuinely engaging. He’s unrelenting in acknowledging his bad choices and terrible behaviour, but slowly the focus moves from junkie porn to his friends, family and how he managed to get sober.

After falling out of education – “like closing a book I’d never read” – with no idea what to do with his life, his real education comes in substance abuse living in a squat in Kensington Gardens. By a “miracle” (his words) he gets a job washing dishes at The Delaunay in Covent Garde. The only thing that matters in his life is his next fix, but the relentless hours and demands of the job bring “it’s own quiet ecstasy” and a lifelong relationship is formed. Addiction costs him jobs but also forces him to find new once in a line of work chock full of people just passing through.

After explaining how he gave up vegetarianism after eating too many sausages “to grant myself another meaty mulligan” he changes tack and devotes a chapter to his Uncle Nick. Nick Gill was an early celebrity chef feted by the Roux brothers, Charles and Diana and even Delia Smith whose stratospheric success was followed by a terrible collapse that culminated in a prison sentence, drug use (both voluntary and involuntary) and ultimately a disappearance which remains unresolved 30 years later. Gill admits he can’t fathom why he’s still there but Nick isn’t – the chef he admires “whose food I never tasted”, “the family I miss, without ever meeting”.

Gill goes on to describe his father and the impact his death from cancer in 2016, and his own slow, unsteady steps into sobriety, facilitated by his mother (former Home Secretary Amber Rudd) and unexpectedly influenced by his father. Gill discovers that addiction and dyslexia have hereditary elements, his father gifting him an “unwanted heirloom”.

The book closes with an unflinching insight to the recovery process and quite chillingly, how virtually all of those alongside him in that process lapsed and died. Gill remains candid in his self assessment, facing the identity crisis that confronts most recovering addicts like “an adult toddler”, understanding that whilst his identify as a drunk was “a shit one… I kind of knew what it was”.

By the end, Gill is facing responsibility – “it doesn’t give you wind in your sails; it gives you the anchor”. There’s fatherhood, and a superb story of having to list his former addictions to a midwife. He’s also running a successful private catering firm and best of all employing his step brother so that he too can become a chef. His sobriety is something his dad barely saw – “He missed it. It’s fucking classic of him”. But the resurrection is underway, and that’s what matters most.

Length of Read:Medium

Might appeal to people who enjoyed…

Kitchen Confidential or Medium Raw by Anthony Bourdain or Blood, Bones & Butter by Gabrielle Hamilton

One thing you’ve learned

“Loneliness isn’t silence. It’s weightlessness. No pull. No-one who’d really notice if you fucked off tomorrow. No-one who needs you to show up when it’s inconvenient” – a quote I rather liked from the book.

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