I put my hand up six weeks ago.
After 40 years, I put my hand up and asked a question.
“Can you help me? Because I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
Luckily, the person sitting three feet from me was a GP.
“I can,” he said.
He sat and listened to me for twenty minutes, moving his chair so that he was directly in my eye line, even though I couldn’t make any eye contact. It’s a symptom of my depression.
He was wonderful. An anti-depressant prescription and a referral to Talking Therapies. He gave me his mobile number and told me to come back in two weeks. When I shook his hand he held mine in both of his. I looked into his eyes for the first time.
“ Trust me, that was the hardest thing you will ever do. That twenty minutes has taken you fourty years to get to but you will look back someday and it will be the best thing you have ever done. Well done.”
A week later I asked to speak to a particular lady in H.R at work. She could see I was distressed, got me a cup of tea and took me into a room. Three hours later we had both shed tears as I told her about my depression, my suicide attempt in ’94, (she remembered me being off work for a few weeks but had no idea why) and my viral pneumonia of two years ago which robbed me of so much.
And of Des’s death and everything that had come with it.
She was wonderful, and has been ever since. My immediate bosses were brought in and were caring and considerate too.
Six weeks in and my friend’s funeral has passed, the Citalopram is working brilliantly and the therapy has started.
I find myself humming when I get up at 5.30am. My wife says I have become such fun to be around. I am enjoying my job and the people I work with.
I realise I am one of the lucky ones. Perhaps I knew that, after 42 years working for the same company, the right people would react in the right way.
My love of my music has never left me. In the depths of the worst black pit, the worst dark hole, music is always with me.
This has been my ‘getting better’ song, this past six weeks. I have adored it since Tusk came out, swooned over Stevie’s voice, marvelled at Mick and John’s syncopation and wallowed in the sadness of the lyric.
Anyway, I know I still have some friends on here, so I just wanted to let you know why I’ve been away. Please post your own ‘getting better’ songs in the thread. You never know, I might find another gem to wrap myself up in.
Thank you Niall. Give us a call if ever you need someone.
Thank you, will do.
Good for you Niall – wishing you continued victory!
Thanks, Colin.
Awesome news Niall, so pleased to read it. Keep on keeping us in the loop, we’re all rooting for you mate.
Thank you, old friend. Long way to go but I’m quite proud of myself (which is not ‘me’ at all.)
Wishing you all the best.
Thank you, sir.
All the best Niall – sounds like you’re heading in the right direction.
Talking Therapies is a brilliantly helpful thing – gives the confidence and support to keep on keeping on.
Thanks. The therapy is really interesting. Homework too.
Des would be happy for you. Sending you good vibes from the South Coast.
Thanks, Dave. I really think he would.
Way to go Niall. Welcome back – in every sense!
Thank you. I’m excited and scared at the same time.
Good work Niall, wishing you all the best. Nobody’s given you a tune, I see. Stepping past the obvious, here’s Mama Cass…
Oh, mate! I bloody love that song. Thank you so much.
You’re very welcome!
You are a lucky man, Niall. Loads of people love you and that sounds like an amazing GP. It’s great to know you’re getting the help you need. Keep doing the good stuff and keep posting. Loved the Gretchen Peters review.
Thank you Tiggs. Between you and me, the Gretchen Peters review led to someone
( not on here) asking me to contribute to a new book about Bruce Springsteen. When I submitted my 1500 words he raved about them. Fingers crossed.
Oh, well done indeed. I’ll have to buy a copy, of course. We all will.
Niall – wow that’s brilliant. You deserve the happiness.
Thanks Lee. It’s been a mad few weeks.
Niall I am so happy for you that things are working out, it’s marvellous news. It takes guts to open up and you have been able to do this with professionals who empathise with you. You are also, obviously a compassionate man yourself and deserving of happiness.
Keep us as informed as you are able re: the book on The Boss.
Peace & blessings nialldude.
Oh, man! One of my absolute fave JT songs. I have been known to shake a tiny little tail feather to this.
Not when anyone is looking, obvs.
Awww! No fair.
Hey Niall will post some songs when I do get home and have access to my Mac. Currently at Chicago airport with an interminable wait for a flight. I am grateful to one particular gent at the American desk who stepped in when BA did their best to leave me in the lurch.
That actually is a lesson I guess – when there are assholes all around there is always someone who has got your back. Well done mate
Thanks, Steve. Safe journey back. See you soon.
I’m glad you’re feeling better Niall.
@Sitheref2409 Thank you.
Sparklehorse, were to me, always, a soundtrack to hope, & a brighter tomorrow. Am glad things are looking up for you Niall. x
His Howeness knows summat about the Black Dog hovering. This is his feel better ‘un.
Fanfuckingtastic – what an uplifting story for us all and especially those of us challenged by the black dog.
Here is my favourite song of emergence.
Thanks, Junior. Van is never far away from me too.
& summat by by Howe’s good buddy, Rainer Ptacek. That’s Rainer on slide, & Evan Dando singin’. Rudy, was Rainer’s young son way back then. All growed up now.
https://youtu.be/JAUmPVPBPs0
New Buffalo – It’ll Be Alright
Sol Seppy – Human
Shake yer tail feather to this’n.
Yo Curtis!
Summat Irish for ya.
I love this album. Howe Gelb’s dustbowl Rock meets Gospel. Amazing.
Yes. @tiggerlion Howe had always wanted to work with some gospel singers so glad he got the chance to. The live shows to support this album were hugely joyous things. Ya woulda loved it!
Excellent news Naill.
I’ll leave the words of encouragement to one of your faves, Mr Derek Trucks…….
@Chrisf Thank you sir. This was lovely to wake up to. “Derek Rules” sounds like a line Wolfy Smith might shout but, he really does.
Sorry, one last great Howe one.
“Will the fight for our sanity Be the fight of our lives? Now that we’ve lost all the reasons That we thought that we had”
I think this is the most powerful song I have ever heard about battling for mental health. My best friend today is still here because of it.
Flaming Lips – The Gash
And a final Mark Linkous one before bed. Sorry. I’ve posted a lot, I know, but all of these songs are hugely important to me. Hope you like some of ’em Niall. Is fearr an tsláinte ná na táinte.
(Health is better than wealth.)
@Contraryarticle Thanks so much for all the music, most of which was new to me. The gift of music is the most precious thing I can ever give, so I love receiving it, especially when it is stuff that is so special to the giver. Thank you.
Glad you found a good ‘un
Thanks @retropath2
So glad to hear this. Very pleased for you. It must be very reassurring and heartening to have so many supportive people around you.
Thank you. I realise how lucky I am but maybe I’ve earned the luck?
An inspirational story Niall, thanks! My son has seen his GP about depression and hasn’t got very far, but we are looking out for him and this helps a LOT!
Meanwhile….enjoy the melodic sunshine…
Thank you and THAT is on every jangly playlist I’ve ever put together.
Sometimes it just takes the right GP. I have been lucky but I learnt during my viral pneumonia that the only one of the 4 doctors I saw at the local practice who took it seriously was the senior guy. Since then he has put a note against my name that he will always see me. So when I showed up feeling as low as I have felt since ‘94, I was whisked straight in. Keep on trying and let me know if I can help with your son. Good luck.
I am currently in in that there London drinking a pint of Timothy Taylor’s Landlord and looking forward to the matinee of All Or Nothing, the Small Faces musical. Sadly, it closes tonight, so I had to come and see it one last time.
Thank you all for your kind words. It means a lot.
Dammit! I so wanted to see that! But I never got my arse in gear. Was hoping it might still be on when I’m up in London to go see my beloved Frankie & The Witch Fingers in a couple o’ weeks time but nope. Enjoy. Cue to post one o’ my fave happy songs
Bringing up the rear, as usual…. I managed to log myself out of the blog and couldn’t get back in.
Anyway, Niall, I just wanted to add my best wishes.
Thank you, that’s good of you @Pajp
Brilliant news Niall. Glad things are on the up. In a lesser way I’m dealing with demons too though I’m in can’t be arsed mode about it at the moment when I need to get up the energy to be a bit more proactive.
Lethargy is one of my triggers, when I know the Black Dog is not far away. I am learning some techniques to deal with that when it happens. Good luck @Twang, you’re a good man.
Great news, Niall.
This song does it for me.
Thank you my friend. I remember this song going out (old git)
Lovely, Niall! It’s so true; it’s so hard to say out loud that you need help. Which is why doctors should be very careful about how they respond, or the patient may not try asking again, and seek other (too permanent) solutions. So glad you found a good doc who took you seriously. And that you work in a company that cares for its employees (quite the rarity these days).
And congratulations about the book, a guy who writes like you should definitely get his words published. I hope you keep writing your own story as well.
Here’s Sir Joe Quaterman & Free Soul playing “(I Got) So Much Trouble In My Mind”, which I like to dance my own troubles away to:
Thank you, that’s lovely. I know there is a long way to go but I feel like I’ve made a big step.
You did a brave thing asking for help, @niallb. And you did a brave thing sharing through your post. Always better out than in, so to speak.
Love and mercy.
Thank you. I’ve always been open about my depression on here, simply because I knew I wasn’t the only sufferer. Over many years this place has been somewhere that I could vent my spleen, share my troubles and ask for help. I’m lucky that everyone on here has been so supportive. A couple of friends on here, who also suffer, have not been so fortunate.
I left a handful of alleged friends behind when I realised they were not willing to listen. Life is too short. I made new friends as well. Proper friends, deeper relations.
“I wasn’t the only sufferer”. You never are. It’s comforting in a weird way, when you feel alone, to know others are going through their own version of the same thing.
And what you wrote about music is very true. Some artists are close friends of mine even if we’ve never met. It’s a beautiful gift they have, isn’t it?
@Niallb have a look at the Mary Gauthier thread i started recently. She is talking about songs and recovery.
Will do.
This came on randomly when I was running today (which has helped me a lot), it’s beautiful. I wish you well and great news on the Springsteen front!
Thank you. Fingers crossed.
42 years at the same company? That’s quite something – clearly they have been good to you, and you to them. It’s so rare to see these days – I’ve just done 10 years with one employer which is a record for me but nothing much in comparison.
Keep on posting @niallb – threads like this are so are illuminating. And thanks to you I went to see “All Or Nothing”. I hope yesterday was good – a perfect venue with Fopp and Brewdog at the end of the road.
Thanks @fortuneight, I had a great day. A caff breakfast, few nice old pubs, a brilliant show and big steak. I walked miles and I’m aching today, but it was a lovely day.