A British man is on a driving holiday in the USA. He’s great enthusiast for Native American history so he’s visiting battle sites and so on. He stops in rural Nevada to fill up with petrol and grab a coffee and gets chatting to a local who tells him about a remarkable wise man who lives on a nearby reservation. ‘This man’s incredible – like a one man Wikipedia. Ask him anything and he’ll reel off a string of facts about it.’
Of course, the tourist has to go and see this man, and when he reaches the reservation he’s ushered into a teepee where there sits an old, very dignified man with a deeply lined face and a piercing gaze. The old man raises his hand, ‘How’. ‘How’, replies the visitor, and the old man says, ‘What will you ask me about?’
Thinking of something the wise man couldn’t possibly know he says, ‘What do you know about Leyton Orient?’ Without missing a beat, the old man replies, ‘Leyton Orient football club in Leyton area of Waltham Forest, London, England. Established in 1880s as Glyn Cricket Club, change name to Orient Football Club soon after, then Leyton Orient after second world war.’
The man is amazed and decides to make things trickier. ‘Who did Leyton Orient play in the Boxing Day fixture in 1969?’ But again, instantly, ‘On 26 December 1969 Leyton Orient at home to Luton Town in English third division, attendance 18,422, Leyton Orient win 1-0, scorer Peter Smith.’
The man leaves with his mind reeling and obviously never forgets this meeting. Years later, he returns to Nevada and stops at the same diner for coffee, for old times’ sake, and falls into conversation with the waitress about the wise man. ‘Of course I know him’, she says. ‘You know he’s still alive? He’s nearly 100 years old and very frail, but he’s still at the reservation.’
Naturally the man has to make a return visit, and when he’s ushered into the teepee it’s clear that the old man doesn’t have long to live. He’s lying in bed, his voice is a hoarse rasp and he barely has strength to open his eyes to see his visitor. With deep respect, the British man places his right hand over his heart then raises it in salutation, ‘How’.
And the old man says, ‘Header at the far post, from a corner, ten minutes in.’
It’s probably been posted on here before, but what the hell…..
The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
“What seems to be the problem, sir?”
“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”
We just found out my grandfather is addicted to Viagra.
No one’s taking it harder than me.
Wouldn’t the joke work better if the punchline was
“My gran has taken it very hard”
I thought that!
An F22 Raptor pulls up next to a cruising A380 over the Pacific. The fighter pilot gets on the radio and starts talking to the A380 pilot. He says “I don’t know how you guys can stand being so slow. It’d drive me nuts. Watch this.” He then proceeds to pull the F22 into a vertical climb, does some vectored barrel rolls and pulls out just above the ocean. He pulls back next to the A380 and gives the pilot a big grin.
The A380 pilot says “Oh, it’s not that bad. Watch this.” The A380 continues cruising in a straight line for the next 5 minutes. The pilot gets back on the radio and says “What did you think”. The Raptor pilot says “I didn’t see anything. What did you do?”. The A380 pilot says “I got up, stretched my legs, took a leak, grabbed some coffee and lined up a date with one of the hostesses!”
I was at a job interview and one of the panel asked me to describe myself in three words.
“Lazy”.
Interviewer: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I don’t know when to quit.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired”
Me: “I quit”
I received an email last night telling me I should be reading maps backwards. It was spam.
My wife says I ruined her birthday, which is really hard to believe because I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
“Can you perform under pressure?”
“Well, I’ll give it a bash, but I’m not much of a singer”
I thought it was going to be the interview one where when they ask “what would you say your weakness would be?”
To which the interviewee responds “I suppose it’s my honesty”,
And when the interviewer says, “I wouldn’t see that as a weakness”, he replies “Like I give a shit what you think!”
I stared at the last 4 tiles on the scrabble rack and thought “this means nothing to me”
O V N R
Very good
I had to come back to that 3 times before it clicked
Me too.
Outstanding.
This is the joke of the thread, but audience is limited to those born before 1975.
Like there are others?
Conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven and meets God.
God says I will grant you one question.
So he thinks and says ok, who killed JFK?
God says … Lee Harvey Oswald … and he acted alone.
The conspiracy theorist says … wow, this goes deeper than I thought.
For about 10 years I have been listening to bedtime audiobook on how farmers go about quantifying the exact number of sheep they have. I can never make it to the end of the first chapter !
This is my favourite method of counting sheep …
A dolphin’s fave pop band?
Why, it’s The Blow(hole) Monkeys!
What does a dolphin put around his neck when he is at a formal function?
A Flipper tie, of course!
What does a dolphin say to her mate after two killer whales who are in her “friend zone” both separately pluck up courage to ask her out on a date?
“Oh dear … Orcs!”
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse….
The man who invented anagrams has died.
May he erect a penis
Sure this one has been up before but funny for those who may noypt have heard it before
A man walks out to the street and catches and gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. I ended up marrying his widow after he died.”
This man walks into a library and bellows at the librarian “I’ll have fish and chips please!”
The librarian replies “I’m sorry Sir this is a library”.
He apologises and whispers “Could I have fish and chips please?”
(Works better out loud)
I’ve given up building my time machine. That’s 10 years I’ll never get back.
I got thrown out of Peripheral Vision Club. Didn’t see that coming.
I never got to hear the second rule of Interrupting Club.
Asked the librarian if they had any books about Pavlov or Schrödinger.
They said they ring a bell, but they’re not sure if they are there.
The first rule of Condescending Club is quite difficult to explain and you may not understand it
Bravo! Two crackers there, RD.
Little Johnny’s parents wanted to have some Alone Time without Johnny’s interruptions, so they hit upon the idea of sending him out onto the porch with a bowl of ice cream whenever they wanted him out of the way. This worked OK for a while but soon they found that Johnny was eating his ice cream too quickly, so his mum had an idea. The next time, she sent him out with his bowl of ice cream but said “When you’ve finished your ice cream, I want you to do a survey of the neighbourhood and then report back on what you find.” Johnny thought that was a great idea and readily agreed.
After finishing his ice cream, Johnny went out surveying the neighbourhood, but after a few minutes he was back and shouted from the porch “The Adamses have got a new car!” His mum said “Well spotted, Johnny. What else is happening?”
After a while Johnny was back again. “The Joneses have planted some new flowers in their front garden!” “That’s good”, shouted back his dad. “What else is going on.”
Johnny went out looking again but was soon back. “Mr and Mrs Smith are shagging!” Somewhat alarmed, his mother stuck her head out of the bedroom window and said “How do you know that?”
Johnny replied “Because little Timmy Smith is out on his porch eating a bowl of ice cream.”
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight, unless you are ready for the reaper cushions.
What’s pink and wrinkly and hangs out my Grandad’s pyjamas?
My Grandma.
I think I’ve told this one very recently somewhere on here.
Nevertheless…
A man walks into a chip shop with a haddock under his arm.
‘Have you got any fish cakes?’ he asks.
‘Sorry, no’
‘That’s a shame. It’s his birthday’
My Grandad always said “as one door closes, another door opens”
Lovely bloke, terrible cabinet maker
My Gran always said “Time heals all wounds”
Lovely woman, terrible paramedic
Man goes into a bakers
“Can I have half a dozen wasps please?”
Assistant replies, “We don’t sell wasps.”
Man, “You’ve got some in the window.”
Not strictly a joke but I’ve been chuckling about this for the last 2 weeks.
Great!
Tremendous!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers
A man who has trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground said he went from Barking to Tooting in just over an hour.
An English cat and a French cat with the same names challenged each other to be the quickest to swim the Channel.
The English cat was called 12345.
Who won?
The English cat because un, deux, trois, quart, cinq!
I think spellcheck has reared its ugly head
Quatre of course.
I’m a slightly deaf Wedding Registrar. It’s “what?”, “I do”.
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters the same name?
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
Teachers asks the class to draw a picture and then talk about what they’ve drawn.
Johnny hands his to her and she notices it’s a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is it?
Johnny: It’s a cow eating grass
Teacher: Well, where’s the grass?
Johnny: The cow has eaten it
Teacher: OK, where’s the cow?
Johnny: It’s gone to find some more grass.
I really like that kind of joke.
This might not work well written down, but:
What’s this? (wiggle one finger)
Answer – one of those… (wiggle all fingers on the hand)
What’s this? (wiggle all fingers on one hand)
Answer – a flock of those…(wiggle one finger)
I saw a book called How To Solve Half Of Your Problems. I bought two.
Some badly worded church announcements :
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet on Thursdays at 7pm. Please use the back door.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks On The Water’. The sermon tonight : ‘Searching For Jesus’.
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again”, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be : “What Is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.
I had that King Charles round for supper the other night. I made him a cygnet curry. He wasn’t happy. Turns out he just wanted a box of matches.
I asked my son what he learned at school today, He replied “gay men like Sony, lesbians like Yamaha and transgender people like Bose”
Looks like they are just teaching the same old stereo types…..