I was listening to My Perfect Cousin by The Undertones on 6Music last week (it seems it’s the station’s policy to play it several times a day along with Teenage Kicks) and I really want to hear Kevin’s side of the story.
Who’s to say Kevin’s cousin isn’t just being a jealous little sod with a chip on his shoulder?
Let’s re-evaluate.
“Now I’ve got a cousin called Kevin
He’s sure to go to heaven
Always spotless, clean and neat
The smoothest you can get them”
Ok, so Kevin is hygienic and likes to dress smartly and you’re a scruffy little sod with t shirts that smell of stale water with shit under your fingernails. Next.
“He’s got a fur lined sheepskin jacket
My ma said they cost a packet
She won’t even let me explain
That me and Kevin were just not the same”
His parents have better paid jobs than yours and can afford to buy him a sheepskin coat. That’s not his fault or yours.
“Oh my perfect cousin
What I like to do, he doesn’t
He’s his family’s pride and joy
His mother’s little golden boy”
You have different interests. Deal with it. So, he is well loved by his parents. Crime of the century.
“He’s got a degree in economics
Maths, physics and bionics
He thinks that I’m a cabbage
‘Cause I hate University Challenge”
Wow, he’s read a book or two and knows stuff beyond T Rex, Curlywurlys and Razzle. You can’t even rhyme properly, fool.
“Even at the age of ten
Smart boy Kevin was a smart boy then
He always beat me at Subbuteo
Cause he flicked the kick and I didn’t know”
Again, he’s clever. What are you afraid of?
If you didn’t know he flicked the kick then how are you able to make this scurrilous allegation of cheating? You’d be laughed out of court on such flimsy evidence.
“Oh my perfect cousin
What I like to do, he doesn’t
He’s his family’s pride and joy
His mother’s little golden boy”
Did you ever call him to play footy with your mates down the rec? Take him down the youth club? No, you never did, did you? Bastard.
“His mother bought him a synthesizer
Got the Human League into advise her
Now he’s making lots of noise
Playing along with the Art school boys”
Wow, now Kevin sounds genuinely much more dynamic and interesting than you. You had the opportunity to meet Phil Oakey and Martin Ware but because of your churlish behaviour you lost your chance and stayed in to watch Minder..
“Girls try to attract his attention
But what a shame, it’s in vain total rejection
He will never be left on the shelf
‘Cause Kevin he’s in love with himself”
FFS! This is just out and out bitterness now and as it ever occurred to you that Kevin might be gay? Has it? No. You make me sick to the pit of my stomach.
“Oh my perfect cousin
What I like to do, he doesn’t
He’s his family’s private joy
His mother’s little golden boy”
Grow up and stop fixating on your cousin. Now piss off.
http://ulsterherald.com/2013/02/08/when-illusions-are-shattered/
Brilliant.
It’s also good to see the lyrics – had no idea they mention the Human League.
But onto the main thrust of the OP. Apart from the ooh-get-her cattiness of the final line, this could be a straight up report of what a brilliant guy Kevin is. I don’t think he is saying anything negative about Kev, is he?
I picked up on the Human League before, but that’s the first time I’ve realised that the line about University Challenge isn’t “He thinks that I’m a savage”!
I noticed the Human League reference on last week’s TOTP and idly wondered if there’s any milage in making a list of songs with lyrics that mention other acts who happened to be on the same episode of TOTP.
(I decided it would probably be a very short list.)
Even better – I hadn’t realized the Human League were on TotP the same week as the Undertones doing “My Perfect Cousin”. (I didn’t know the HL had covered Rock n Roll, come to think of it.) According to @TOTPFacts on Twitter, the real-life cousin’s real name is, er, Kevin.
I’d like to hear more about his degree in bionics.
Well, he’s implying that Kevin was a precocious, spoilt brat that cheats at Subbuteo who went on to become an over privileged, narcissistic poseur. That’s fairly negative, no?
Clarification: the line is he flicked to kick. Subbuteo’s slogan was “just flick to click”. The writer is not implying Kevin cheated, just that – as with some of his other examples – Kevin is smarter than him. Even allowing for a possible tongue in your own cheek writing this Zantu, I don’t think this is meant to be a negative song, other than it’s author has a hard time measuring up to his cousin. I always identified with him as I, too, have a perfect cousin. I even have the additional handicap that my cousin is extremely beautiful..
I bet Kevin’s even smart enough to know how Subbuteo got its name.
I know that without Googling – It’s the latin name for the hobby a diminutive bird of prey – Subbuteo Subbuteo. So a lame pun on the idea that the short-lifespan, thumb-hurting, not very good table football game would be a hobby for youngsters.
I know its meant to be self-deprecating but I believe the lyrics do ask the listener to ally ourselves with the first person and be complicit with his disdain towards his cousin.
I suspect a lot of young Undertones fans read it as “Yeah, I can’t feckin’ stand poncy types too, Feargal.” unaware that their hero would become a Doctor Of Arts three decades later.
I once played Subbuteo with my cousin and he was rubbish. I mean, proper rubbish. At first it was great, but as I very quickly got to 10-0 it lost it’s appeal. As a ten year old I was suspicious of lads who couldn’t play Subbuteo and didn’t follow a football team. Still am (although I hate football now, apart from Barnsley FC), except not so much the Subbuteo playing any more. Whilst age and various ailments long since saw the end to my football playing days, I don’t think I could manage getting down on the carpet for a game of Subbuteo any more either, just for the bit where I’d have to try and stand up again at the end.
Anyway, as for the song, it was one of two singles we took with us when we went away for a week on the school trip. As the other was Peaches by The Stranglers, which was confiscated as soon as one of the teachers actually listened to it, we were left playing the Undertones over and over. Of course, we were all on Feargal Sharkey’s side of the argument, but that’s probably because we didn’t listen closely enough and realise that it was cousin Kevin who was the cool one who was good at Subbuteo.
I made my own table for Subbuteo. Gradually, I acquired floodlights, stands, spectators, a Police van….
I was a serious player, once reaching the final of a school tournament. John Clancy beat me in extra time. I developed a free kick based Frannie Lee’s double heel flick. It was legal, I tell ya!
Anyway, my point was you don’t have to lie on the carpet, Paul. Get your act together. I still have an intact Peru somewhere.
I thought the double heel flick was by Willie Carr of Coventry City, followed by Ernie Hunt blasting the ball into the net!
Kevin Sharkey’s experimental synth pop outfit lasted for just one gig in the art school canteen. Eight people showed up, seven of them hoping his famous cousin would be there. The other was his mum. After the first song they shouted “Play Teenage Kicks!” and after the second they shouted “Play Subbuteo!”
Despite his five degrees (economics, maths, physics, bionics and History of Art) Kevin never really made much of himself. He now runs a soft furnishings shop in Derry called My Perfect Cushion.
Applause!
Encore, Mr Chiz!
Surely Kevin’s main failing is that he comes across as a prick to his peers, but doesn’t seem to care. It’s those kids who always please the grown-ups but alienate the rest of the playground who end up taking their psychotic revenge on the rest of us when they are adult. Kevin is probably something high up in personnel now.
Kevin eventually went on to work for British Steel and along with Nigel, David Watts and Ernold Same, was made redundant in 1985.
And that nice man Smithers Jones
British Steel? But aren’t they still big in Germany?
I bet a smart lad like Kevin could have come up with a better line than: “Even at the age of 10, smart boy Kevin was a smart boy then.”
And , really, how could Feargal not know that you have to flick to kick when playing “the flick to kick football game”?
But that, in turn, raises a question about the character of Kevin. All the evidence suggests he will beat his cousin anyway, being superior in every other respect – so why not show him how to “flick to kick” to give the poor lad a fighting chance? Previously neutral, I’m beginning to dislike this fellow myself..
I wonder if The Human League did run a polyphonic keyboard consultancy firm in 1980? Makes sense.
The way Sharkey witheringly sings the lyric, “His mother bought him a synthesiser” as if she’d bought Kevin some Nazi memorabilia. I bet Vince Clarke gave him a piece of his mind when they formed The Assembly, a mere three years later.
Little known fact *:
Feargal’s cousin was actually Kevin Rowland
The second verse was originally:
He’s got a dockers donkey jacket
My ma says his band makes a racket
The band will break up in a mess
And he’ll release a solo album wearing a dress
This was rejected in favour of a fictional cousin, because Mr Rowland didn’t know how to flick to kick either.
* I may be making this up
UPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUPUP!
Wrong thread mate, that’s Cockney Rebel.
rather than a mess, didn’t the band break up after a fabulous third album?
F1. + mb + F2 – (L -3) = F3 the formula for that fabulous third record
Where mb = messy breakup
F is Fabulous album
L = line up.
(Show Me and Let’s Get This Straight From The Start require more advanced maths and I’ve left me protractor at home)
I wanted a rhyme for dress, but the only other option I had was Hydraulic Press, and I couldn’t lever that one in there
The third Dexys album – the one I still don’t own
well, not properly anyway (downloaded from a “source” and CD-R’d)
Selling on Amazon last month for £15 – and guess who had no disposable cash at the time?
Now ‘currently unavailable’
A poorly written and offensive copy of my work, with an idea DIRECTLY LIFTED FROM MY WEBSITE
http://www.wilfturnbull.co.uk/DearTheUndertones.htm
I have legal representation
”Just saying”
Actually Del, I THOUGHT UP MY “POORLY WRITTEN” BLOG ENTIRELY INDEPENDENTLY OF YOUR COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PIECE REGARDING KEVIN FROM MY PERFECT COUSIN.
Never even seen your website. There is quite a few of them on the internet, apparently
“Just saying”
Stop thinking things that other people have thought and writing them on the internet!
*writes down self important 100 BEST SONGS EVAH list * *sends to Torygraph*
*quietly puts back a copy of The Henry Root Letters back on the shelf.
‘backs’
I wish they had an edit function here.
I believe William Donaldson was fairly open about the inspiration he drew from the copy of Don Novello’s Lazlo Toth Letters on his own bookshelf.
I have to say I read your post and immediately thought of Derek Philpott’s work, which has been shared many times on this site. I’m a fan of his slow campaign to gentrify the internet and tick off the writers of daft lyrics, who are almost never as pompous as you expect them to be. As good as Derek’s attacks are, it’s the responses that they provoke that complete the picture. As is the case here – many good replies.
The original post must be an amazing coincidence.
It’s not an THAT original a thought now is it?
Well I’d never thought twice about it until I read Derek’s post.
No, the whole concept of stuffily deconstructing lyrics. All the way back to Peter Cook & Dudley Moore, Angus Deayton, Phil Pope & friends used to do it on Radio Active \ KYTV.
the one I remember, and still recycle is “in the song by the Commodores, how many times is she a lady?”
I agree with Mavis. It’s the replies to Derek’s letters where the real gold lies.
Zanti’s post is much more detailed and a worthy contribution to The Afterword, which I found highly entertaining.
Well done both.
And …. relax.
Derek’s razor-sharp logic is at the heart of it. It lights the blue touch paper.
Much more detailed 🙂
http://www.wilfturnbull.co.uk/DearMr.MartinReLittleOleWineDrinkerMe.htm
http://www.wilfturnbull.co.uk/DearMrSmithReGaryGilmore.htm
I’m right behind you, Derek. I love your work. And Mavis is right, you do light the blue touch paper. The thing I enjoy most is the beacon of human kindness that shines through most of the replies. I applaud your bravery, pitching a pithy letter into the dark. But, I bet you were chuffed with the responses you got.
Like great art, such a simple idea, you think anyone could do it. However, you came up with the idea of writing pedantic letters to songwriters. I wish I’d thought of it.
Having said all that, Zanti’s post is different. It is abstract logical empiricism that doesn’t actually involve human contact.
Mine’s a gin and tonic!
I’ll reserve you a book kind words
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/375608967/dear-mr-le-bon-a-pensioner-writes
Sorry to break it to you, but you can’t copyright an idea.
If ZM had cut and pasted from your site, you have a case, otherwise, not.
If you have legal representation that is suggesting you can do anything about this, I suggest you fire them and get someone that understands copyright law.
https://www.copyrightservice.co.uk/copyright/copyright_myths
I suspect this is just a classic case of sense of entitlement coupled with copyright bullying. Shame on you.
What this is a case of Sir is someone who is sick and tired of having their work plagiarised, slightly modified, without credit, time and time and again. I will say no more on the subject I am too busy. I bid you all good day.
Again, what you do is not an original idea. It may be smart and funny but its an old joke construct. ZM’s bit is similar but to call it “slightly modified’ is nonsense.
Good day sir – I SAID, GOOD DAY
Like I said, I have never heard of your website, Derek, so wind your neck back in.
You’re hardly the first person to discuss song lyrics in a flippant manner. Have you gone after Ed Byrne too?
Bo Duddley – Peter Cook & Dudley Moore
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btS7-UoK2Oo
Angus Deyyton from 2:20
Speaking as someone who has just written a novel about an orphaned boy who discovers he’s a famous wizard and is whisked off to a prestigious boarding school for similarly inclined youths, wherein he befriends a towering Robbie Coltrane lookalike and battles a man with no nose, I find this analysis of copyright law most alluring.
Based on a quick squizz of Derek’s blog and the OP, I don’t think there’s anything in this dispute. Both are variations on the same theme, both are nicely done and I enjoyed reading each for different reasons.
Peace and love, Om Shanti, Break Stuff, etc
I’m curious as to what the esteemed legal firm of Supersonic, Syd and Little make of the fact that both parties aforementioned, in the course of their amusing deconstruction, draw amusement from the idea that Kevin “flicked the kick” when – unlike many of our more mumbleful and inarticulate pop combos. perhaps eager to disguise the drivel that constitutes their lyrics – The Undertones helpfully provide the words of their song (and, may I say, their penmanship is immaculate – although I would fault them on the use of red. STRICTLY for margins, I always say) on the back cover of the picture bag.
http://i1150.photobucket.com/albums/o615/JohnDetail/719355ff-bd5c-4a1c-853c-10192e7e61db_zpsjxc4yskv.jpg
Here it is revealed not only that the correct phrase is “flicked to kick”, but their use of inverted commas establishes that the expression is being quoted from Subbuteo’s own instructions. And this interpretation further exonerates Kevin from any allegation of cheating as well as the author from any accusation that that he has made any such allegation. As the insinuation that Kevin was a childhood cheat is easily the most grievous of the author’s purported complaints, it appears to me that in the case the unusual rule of habeas iocus applies – as no joke was successfully executed, no joke can be deemed to have been infringed upon.
*gavel drop*
Ah, but – I don’t think there ever was any implication of cheating. The line can be read as ‘He flicked to kick and I didn’t know (how).’ Kevin had simply mastered the essential skill of Subbuteo while his cousin hadn’t.
This was a common mis-match in those days. I remember one of my sister’s friends giving me a drubbing on my parents’ dining table with her mastery of the flick technique.
Filf!
Feargals I’d like to f*ck?
Another facet to this is the singer’s relationship with Kevin’s mother. If someone is loved by his mother, this is not usually a problem – normal, in fact. However in this song, Kevin being his mothers little golden boy is delivered with a hint of bitterness.
Academics have posited that Kevin and the songwriter share the same mother. A secret that was discovered when a drunken argument was overheard on the stairs. In that context, you can understand the feelings of jealousy and alienation.
A particularly awful example of media kevinism. Don’t get me started on Lionel “why no, I really don’t like children – how did you guess?” Shriver.
I saw this (rejuvenated) thread and scrolled down to make this very comment, only to find that I already had. It’s a strange feeling.
Next time on “Deciphering The Undertones Code”
Do the lines:
Wednesday week she loved me
Wednesday week never happened at all
reveal Feargal to be an assassin sent back from the future to close his “loop” who has gone on the run where he will arrive at the remote farmhouse owned by Maria McKee who will play him the song “A Good Heart”?
Old Feargal must kill Young Feargal to achieved that coveted number one..
And after that: In the case of the disappearance of James ‘Jimmy’ Jimmy, what exactly was the role of the “Wooden Lego” referred to several times in the song?
And they also insisted that a Mars bar :
“helps me – makes me – work, rest and play”
It’s the “makes me” bit that puzzles me. A mars bar with a whip going hyaahh!?
I have resurrected this thread because I’m interested to know how Kevin’s mum knew about the Human League before they’d even had a hit record.
Wikipedia tells me this song was recorded in December ’79. It also tells me the Human League’s debut album was released in February ’79, but was a commercial flop. Likewise, none of their singles charted prior to ‘Boys and Girls’ hitting the top 50 in 1981.
Let’s face it, Kevin’s mum was the one with her finger on the pulse.
@tony-Japanese Singles were the thing back in them days – Being Boiled was released in 1978 and, er, I don’t remember any others from that period (I was 11 at the time). The Human League were not a household name by any means but certainly known, doing shows and mentioned in NME etc. If Kevin’s mum asked around about synthesiser advisers in 1979 I am sure the Human League would have been available for a small fee (plus travel expenses).
Kevin’s mum might have seen them supporting Iggy Pop in 1979.
Martyn Ware & Ian Craig Marsh would have been her advisers. Phil Oakey wouldn’t have been one of them. He was just the singer at that point & hadn’t touched a synthesiser.
But Phil could have trendied up Kevin’s hair and given him make up tips – and Adrian Wright ‘s slideshow would also have been a bonus treat.
I often wonder what went through Mr and Mrs Sulley’s minds when Phil Oakey, with his lop-sided hair and biker boots, sat on their sofa with Philip Adrian Wright and asked if their daughter would give up college and join a virtually unknown pop band.
I have honestly, never, wondered that.
Thanks for the well informed response.
Ha! I’d forgotten about that harrumphing interjection by the original funky drummer D Philpott esq.
(itself a poor effort to imitate Mrs Brian Cox’s drive by job on D Amitri’s Moonlandingz row)..
Yeah, his reaction was a bit mental. Mind you, in hindsight, I could have handled it better but I remember his accusation really irked me at the time. I genuinely had never heard of his blog and I had only written the OP as a bit of throwaway fun, not for some sort of a pitch for a toilet book deal.
At the risk of needlessly up-tmftl’ing; Toilet Book Deal – three more from them later.
Hoi! Waking ancient threads from the long dead? That’s my job!
Where’s me drinks globe?
I was in a toilet the other day and came across a book on quantum field theory.
I was in a quantum field and came across a book on toilet theory.
Really? Page 3 from a copy of the Daily Star nicked from the canteen usually does it for me. Takes all sorts I guess.