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I’m Thinking Of Buying A Tray

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I was making several trips out to the deck this morning in order to enjoy breakfast in the open air, and it occurred to me that life would be so much simpler if I had a tray! It’s a crowded market, with a wide choice of materials, shape, and colour. Handles or no? Is circular the way to go? Before I commit to an investment, I’d very much appreciate your thoughts on the matter. Have you a tray-related anecdote, perhaps? A favourite tray? Perhaps you were seduced by a tray’s looks, only to “have your fingers burned” later – maybe the laminate started to peel back. A handle worked loose. Those coffee mug rings proved ineradicable. Let’s hear your “tray nightmare stories” in the hope that I’ll not make the same mistake you did!

And let’s be having your songs about trays, while we’re at it, Afterworders! Here’s the mighty Bob The Tray singing “Mule Train”!

4

Comments

  1. A tray! That brings back so many happy memories. My grandmother used to have one of those, a metal one I think, with “Mackinnon’s Finest Potted Head Paste” written across it, along with the company’s logo, which was two kilted Seaforth Highlanders eating sandwiches while being served – I think that’s the phrase – by a couple of the natives.

    My Grandad’s party piece was to use the tray to bash his head at the the appropriate moments during the Battle of Brisbane. That’s the song, I mean, not the battle. He was never further south than Galashiels, though not for want of trying it has to be said.

    It also made a perfect sledge for the cat, once we’d attached the straps, and it was on a cold January morning when we were sledging Church down The Devil’s Landslide, that we found the body.

  2. What an extraordinary coincidence – I’ve just bought a tray!!! Keep it under your hat, but this was so as to avoid dropping food on the rug while indulging in lunchtime Netflix binges. I rather like its funky combination of pink Formica and wickerwork. Best $10 I’ve ever spent in my opinion.

    It was described by the seller as ‘vintage retro’. As I’m sure your readers know, this is a nonsense: vintage = old, retro = pretending to be old, and it can’t be both at once. It’s definitely vintage.
    http://i1100.photobucket.com/albums/g401/mikethep/tray-si-bon_zpsuraotcm5.jpg

  5. My tray of choice would be the kind you get at motorway service stations.

    The downfall of the ornate, defined-edge tray is when the edges become indelibly smeared by remnants of egg, cornflakes or porridge. The corners build up microscopic debris that eventually turns into general yukkiness that makes you want to walk into the sea.

    Give it a wipe and put it away – that’s my motto.

  7. When I was Conchita Martinez, I won the Wimbledon lawn tennis championship. The Duchess Of Kent presented me with a silver tray. Utterly useless, I was about to melt it down to make a pair of enormous hoopy earrings when they told me they needed it back..

  9. I have three trays: a small round one for my afternoon Dragon Pearl tea, a rectangular one with handles for my evening home alone meal and a square one for serving cocktails if I ever have guests.

    I have no life.

    Can’t do photos. Sorry.

    • Tig “Three Trays” Gerlion shall be your name from henceforth!

      Do you think I’d be well advised to purchase one of the three distinct varieties you describe? I need to carry:

      – Small teapot
      – Milk jug
      – Plate of toast or croissants
      – Pot of marmalade
      – Briquette of butter
      – Cup and saucer

      Although if I opt for another coffee with my breakfast, of course, the demands on the tray will be lessened. Can you help?

  11. The type of tray I covet is one of those with a bean bag attached to the bottom. Not only does it cushion the effect of frantic tv-dinnering from the knees, but it also helps stop your tea sliding onto the carpet.

    A marvellous invention.

  12. When I caught the train south from Aberdeen (farewell Scotland, hello London) in my right hand was a cage containing Cicero, King of Hamsters: on my back a rucksack containing two newly-ironed pairs of underpants (Mum ironed everything including Dad’s moustache), a pair of velvet loons and a tattered copy of Lord of the Rings. In my left hand – a rectangular tray with the immortal words “Haste Ye Back”.
    Fast forward over forty years and HYB is still in daily use. I will attempt to post a photo -don’t hold your breath.

  14. Have given up on trays since I invariably drop them and cause another bloody mess. I still have a lovely oval lacquered one from Japan but it was largely decorative, could only ever place a couple of items on it. I then placed the coffee pot on it and there’s now a perfectly spherical burn mark. Adds to the design I think. Don’t go for a wood one then, a nice wipe clean plastic one which have grips for plates and cups. Practical over decorative.

  21. There must be an IKEA nearby you could visit. They have an impressive range at reasonable prices. We have one from there which I use to lay my delicacies on when presenting them to my good lady. The retro geometric pattern sets off my sweet offerings to great effect. Women really appreciate it if you make a bit of effort when displaying your morsels.

  26. I hate those trays with the cushions underneath them. My in-laws have those. They also have useless trays that are about a cup wide and just too long to carry comfortably. I think my mother in-law just buys them to lay about on the worktops to stop things leaving rings. A worktop on the worktop so to speak.

  27. It seems impossible, but we’ve got this far with no mention of that paragon, that sans-pareil of tray-wielders, Mrs Overall. She knows a thing or two about trays.

  30. We have a dozen identical trays. My wife previously worked for a chap who had the idea of selling advertising space on trays in cafes, so he created some mock ups with ads that his kids had designed. When they (mystifyingly…) failed to take off, he was left with a load of samples, and we gleefully took some off his hands. They do add a classy touch to meal times.

  33. It’s quite simple. We are all trays. We carry our ingrained belief Brevilles Man System muse mind toasted head fuck sarnies. Have a bite. Exactly. I’m so depressed and anxious that I had a waking dream in which I was sharing a bivouac with Keith Emmerson. I assume it was in the congo because of his facial tribal stripes, kindness and the humidity ( I’m not good at identifying mamalian tree screeching – I started to loose the Astral Connection at the point. Anyway, wanting to dive into the nearest hole I see and cease to exist aside, I can honestly say that crumpets make you think.

    • Clear Your Tray. Sweep The Contents Away. Another Day Free Tray. That surprise you get when a B & B / Hotel breakfast that fits your mind should I bother quite nice actually. Triangles and refills. All is well. For now, but not necessarily afterwards.

  35. If I wasn’t dicking about on my phone I’d post a big, pop-punky slice of drumming from noted tray enthusiast Tre “Tray” Cool of Green Day. But I am, so I can’t.

    Must tray harder.

  36. We had an Edinburgh office. The office manager had a wonderful accent. He would say “here” as “hair”, “so” as “say” and “try” as “tray”.

      • My dear fellow @h-p-saucecraft, apologies for being unable to load the page.
        Take comfort in the fact you now own your own shiny tray (melamine[copyright] I am sure it will be a talking point in your home, and I hope we can have photo-visual proof of it some time soon.

        • Well, I don’t know … I’m kind of busy right now, hammering that link, trying to load the page. I’m sure it’s just a temporary “outage” as our American friends so irritatingly put it, so I’m going to stay up tonight, clicking away. A Rent-A-Tray site is something I’ve always wanted to see. Not going to miss this chance. That’s not the type of guy I am. Anyway – ‘scuse me – got to get clicking!

    • My wife bought me a beanbag tray similar to this one (I’m not going to post a picture of the actual tray in case you can trace where I live) from a market stall in Machynlleth:

      It’s a snug fit, very functional and, if you like guitars, nice to look at.

      • The amazon link makes this look like an attractive and durable home accessory! The reviews are uplifting, too:

        “This is a useful item as well as being well received by my son who loved it.”

        F.F.S.

        (Machynlleth, eh? Used to speed through there in the family Triumph Herald on the way to Aberdovey summer hols.)

        • Meanwhile, I would be pedalling fast in my yellow Ford Anglia on the way to Ynyslas for a frolic in the dunes.
          And, to this day, we sometimes enjoy a happy lunch in The Dovey pub in, um, Aberdovey . . . my wife and her mother will be having a boring stay there later in the year! Is it you that carved Burt woz here in the table by the door? And have you ever visited Fairbourne when there’s something to do?

  43. Well, I finally did it.

    Bought a tray.

    It was quite easy, actually. Yes, my pulse was hammering. Sweat stinging my eyes. Hands trembling as I opened my wallet. Mouth strangely dry. But – when I took the bag, felt the reassuring weight of the Melamine©, I realised that it was … simply … mine. The tray was mine. I’D DONE IT! I couldn’t stop a little yelp of triumph escaping my throat.

    I’ve never felt so alive.

    More later …

  46. I have a question that has been troubling me ever since this wonderful thread got going. Outside I have a scrap piece of plywood. It is rectangular, about 50cm long by 30cm wide. To all intents and purposes this a tray, right? Or is it? I so want to bring that wood inside and give it life and meaning, but would this be a be-tray-al of the ancient and distinguished traditions of tray making?

    • We have to wait for Mrs B, the Oracle of the Afterword, to settle this one, but I’d suggest if you used it as a tray – a purpose for which it seems ideal – then it would assume the mantle of trayness, and become a tray, in a kind of alchemical transmutation. It will have been kissed by the breath of God, raised from the dead to become a vibrant member of your domestic entourage. You would find yourself asking Mrs Hairnet things like “have you seen our tray, darling?”, referring quite naturally and unconsciously to what had heretofore been just a nameless, purposeless bit of plywood.

      I suggest you effect the transformation, and post a picture here that will consolidate its status and new life!

    • Sounds good to me. I think you have to give it a varnish and handles, then it will definitely be a tray. I don’t agree with this coaster being a tray nonesense myself. A tray is a bespoke platform designed to aid the transport of comestibles or drinks, whilst displaying them for all to see. A coaster merely protects a surface from being burnt. You, sir, have a potential tray on your hands but, currently, it is merely a piece of wood. As you say, you need to give it life.

      • Careful now! What you have there is a place mat. Your true tray has a raised rim round the edge to stop things sliding off.

        It’s very dangerous to use a place mat as a tray, especially at sea. In fact it was one of the stewards on the Titanic who mistakenly put some drinks on a mat, leading to a minor incident with an ice cube which frankly got blown up out of all proportion in the movie.

        Trayspotters’ Rule of thumb – there’s a rim in the way, it’s a tray. If it’s flat it’s a mat.

        • Chiz – that brings back so many memories! My Grandad (father’s side) used to be foreman at Arkwright’s Tray And Mat Works, up in Cumberbatch before the wars. The company “motto” (no mission statements in them days!) was “A rim you see, then tray it be. If tray is flat, then it’s a mat.” When war broke out, the factory was turned over to making tin hats for the brave lads on the front line. Early production runs still had “BOVRIL” clearly visible, leading to squaddies being nicknamed “the Bovril Boys”. Happy days!

        • I was presuming we were starting with a scrap piece of wood. Rims are tricky & take some skill to develop. Handles are easy.

          Naturally, I prefer a tray with a rim and I’m flexible about handles.

            • A tray for mine is defined by the purpose to which it is put. some things are dedicated trays, others are trays at the time they are being used as a tray but after no longer being applied to that purpose they lose that title.
              A robust newspaper can be a tray when used for a certain purpose ,say rolling a spliff on -if the components of the spliff are carried (I think there needs to be some degree of transport involved or at least the potential for transport. But once the spliff is rolled and the leftovers flicked behind the couch then the newspaper reverts to being a newspaper. I think Burt’s ,sorry HP’s thread should have been “I am thinking of buying an object that is designed and will be dedicated solely to the purpose of transporting by hand everyday household items about the house”.

              • An unusually reflective comment from you here, Junior, and it does you credit. You’re talking bollocks, though. Mrs B would tell you that “a newspaper is a newspaper, whatever you use it for, you daft twat.”

                    • We have to make distinctions in language in order for society to function. These distinctions are often subtle and subject to change. But a tray, designed and manufactured with recognisably tray-centric parameters, will remain – in its Buddha-essence – a tray, whether used as a kennel ramp, or in poor, dear Caro’s sad case, a localised flooring substitute, or indeed *as a tray*.

                      If we can go back to Mr Hairnet’s piece of ply, this is a tray in all but applied function. Its size, shape and material is that of a tray. He only has to carry, say, a plate of Custard Creams from his pokey little galley kitchen into what he laughably insists on calling “the lounge” for its trayness to be unequivocal. Yes, his wife may utter something like “that’s a crap tray, Martin – have we nothing better for the Vicar?” but its TRAYNESS would be unquestioned. Mr Hairnet could then spend an enjoyable weekend in the shed trying to ignore the box of old “Oui” magazines (cunningly marked “SOME OLD TINS IN HERE – REALLY” in shaky Magic Marker) creating the Ideal Tray from this unpromising piece of lumber – adding decorative handles, perhaps off a cat’s coffin, and maybe fashioning an edge out of splintery old bits of picture frame which don’t quite fit. My point is that no amount of time spent in a shed with an old newspaper would transform it into a tray. Oh, hang on. Maybe you could layer it with other newspapers, soak them in mucilage overnight and leave to dry, creating a rigid platform which you could then varnish. I’d suggest four coats of marine polyurethane gloss, sanded down between each coat, finishing with a coat of matt to add texture (or GF or Grip Factor as we traymakers call it). Handles? Why not use a short loop of rough twine through holes drilled at each end, knotted beneath? Et voila, Mr Junior – not only a very practical household tray, but also a talking point for years to come!

                    • You’ve completely screwed the formatting HP.I need to have some lunch before I can reply -though if my response precedes yours is it still a reply?
                      Questions questions as Frank would say.

  47. My Secret Tray Confession – I have a tray on the floor that I always put my feet on when I sit down in the kitchen. It is a wood-effect tray so it blends into the wood-effect lino. There is a reason for this but it is too boring to go into. Who knew I would ever get the chance to air this on an AW thread? Thank you Mr Saucy, I feel so much better for sharing.

      • You’re missing the point.

        Carolina, whom I suspect of being in league with the Chinese government, is clearly in possession of the kind of terrifyingly advanced technology only seen in Back to the Future II. Is she also wearing her jeans inside-out?

        I’m submitting my FOI request toot sweet.

          • Haha! My feet do actually reach the ground, I’m not in league with the Chinese government (though that sounds like a plan). I never wear jeans, inside or out. May well have eaten a Fray Bentos pie off it as tray looks like it was bought in the 70’s. The truth is I previously had a wood veneered floor and after one too many washing machine flood incidents it was replaced by lino, which couldn’t be ruined. Then due to the lino being spongier, and my spine shifting in position minutely, sitting down started injuring my coccyx. Lino-Related Coccyx Injury is probably something only I have ever have been affected by! Anyway it was very painful, lasted ages and since recovering I’ve taken to using a tray to mimic the previous hard flooring. A bit mad I know!

  48. From The Goon Show, Minnie Bannister describing Ned Seagoon to PC Willium:

    Min: “Well, he has a pair of legs that don’t reach the ground”

    Willium: “So, we’re lookin’ for a lad with a space underneath!”

  50. Er…you forgot a cup for the dog. Handsome tray, though – and with those subtly engineered curves you could play blow football when not imbibing. Interesting contribution to the handle/no handle debate too.

    • Er … the cup is for the dog. Yes, I’m pleased with my tray. Effortlessly practical, technologically state-of-the-art, with a durable wipe-kleen surface that says “YES!” to no unhygenic build-up. The design has a definite vintage-retro feel, don’t you think? The blow football possibilities are haunting me, though. Handles as goals – marvellous!

    • Yes! I’m just finishing one, actually. I think it’s a bit edgy, a bit oo-er, but may just be the publishing sensation of our generation! What’s it about? When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms. Yes, there will be lashings(!) of sex. I’m calling it Fifty Shades Of Grey (a clever play on words – the hero/villain’s name is GREY!). I’m a bit out of touch out here, but I think that’s helped in coming up with something original and even “genre-defining”. It’s taken me nearly fifve years so far, and I reckon in another six month’s it’ll be finished. Wish me luck!

    • Those colours may clash to a Western eye, but out here they’re nuanced to the point of camouflage. Yes, that’s Lao PDR over the river. The clump of trees at left (just under the banana tree branch) is the home of The Man Who Drank His House. There used to be quite a fine old teak house there, built up on stilts in the Thai way, but the drunkard who lived there sold it for the value of the wood (quite high these days – most new houses are brick-n’-concrete). This was like winning the lottery for the mad bastard. He hired a stage and a sound system and some baffled dancers, got all his mates round (not that many) and drank the proceeds. It took a week, but he managed it. Now he sleeps in a shack a dog would avoid in a thunderstorm. I can see his fire at night, the mad twat.

  56. “Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
    How I wonder what you’re at!
    Up above the world you fly,
    Like a tea tray in the sky.
    Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
    How I wonder what you’re at!”

    • Trays In Literature! What a rich vein there is to be mined here! There’s … well … there’s the Lewis Carroll ode quoted above, and there’s … and … that’s just for starters!

      • How about a musical thread? Trays as a subject for songs is probably rather too broad. Maybe songs from Latin America that reference trays would be a suitable starting point, possibly restricted to the 80s only?

  61. You’re on the right track about charola de plata, HP.

    Whereas in England some of us are born with a silver spoon in our mouths, in Mexico, they are born with a silver tray. Not I presume in their mouths, unless they have gigantic gobs.

  62. this thread is now so huge that the tray-related music I am about to propose may well be earlier on buried somewhere. On the assumption it isn’t then surely what lies in the middle of the Tray/Popular Music Venn Diagram is The Pogues, specifically Spider Stacey’s unique take on percussion during Sally Maclennane. Though I can find no video footage, a sweaty gig at Oxford Poly around 1985 puts me as an eyewitness able to confirm his head-smashing tray-related antics.

  66. Now that I find myself in the twilight of my autumn 🍂 my thoughts turn to those niggly things in life.
    Specifically the carrying upstairs of two cups of tea 🍵 in the morning to imbibe whilst lying in bed, the tray i use is of the melamine variety and I find the cups slide and spill tea in the tray, it made me wonder why the trays have such a low friction ratio between themselves and the cups. I have tried kitchen roll which has gone some way to solve the problem.
    I wondered if our resident tray supremo could suggest a better alternative, or if anyone had any better suggestions.

    • Thanks for calling the Tray Hotline, Hubes! The problem of slippy-slidey cups and whatnot is one shared by many tray enthusiasts, and lively debates on the topic have ensued at our Tray Club gatherings! Some swear by sanding off the gloss, while others, keen to retain the silky finish of that much-loved tray, suggest Velcro© patches (available at the household goods counter of your local departmental store). There is always a hard core of Tray Enthusiasts which relishes the challenge of balancing a tray’s contents, and eschew “artificial” solutions that “compromise the purity and integrity of the tray experience”!

      Whichever solution you come to adopt (and as ever, bold experimentalism is the key to getting the most out of that treasured tray!) have fun and if at first you don’t succeed, “tray, tray, and tray again”!

      Trayly yours –

      The Editors, Tray And Shelf Monthly

    • You need either a tray made with a non-slip surface, or a non-slip sheet on the existing tray, between the tray and the cup.. Wilkinsons, Argos, Lakeland or B&M should be able to oblige, or an independent vendor. I’m convinced they’re a major contribution to beverage safety. . .

    • Thank you both for your suggestions however I have found this site which is crowdfunding their marvellous invention KlippaKupp. It solves all those problems of slippage by clamping your cups to the tray.
      Maybe the Editors of Tray and Shelf Monthly incorporating Coaster bi-monthly would like to check their site out at http://www.KlippaKupp.com

    • The problem, much as I love your idea, is that I have proper tea (all proper tea is theft) and my dlw drinks rooibos. This would necessitate two thermos flasks which have a higher centre of gravity, because of my shoogly leg my ascension of the stairs is in some way impaired which would cause the thermos flasks to tumble from the tray.
      Or are you suggesting abandoning the tray altogether Junes?

  68. As it seems to be the time to resurrect old threads I thought it opportune to reopen this discussion on the joys of trays. Why now you ask?

    It appears there are some chilly Olympics on at the moment where some intrepid trailblazers are hurtling down frozen chutes resting on what can only be described as a tray. Making no bones about it I give you the Skeleton.

    https://flic.kr/p/2rWnMwL

    Why not make your own by attaching two steak knives to the underside of a melamine tray (superglue would probably be the best, flour and water not as much) and hurtle down an icy incline.?

    Bon voyage or as they say in Italy buon viaggio.

  69. Yesterday, at the Winter Olympics:

    “Excuse me…is this the right way to the Skeleton tournament?”
    “I wouldn’t know – I’m a tobogganist.”
    “In that case I’ll have 20 B&H, please”

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