I realise that good forum form is to write a mini-essay introducing the topic, but the truth is that I’m far less interested in my own thoughts than in yours. The idea is that if you could be in the, say, top three of any sport in the known universe, what would it be? If it’s football, you can be Ronaldo. If it’s tennis, you can be Djokovic… Maybe swimming, motocross, table tennis, whatever. You get the picture.
Personally I’m feeling the tennis. But I’m also torn between that and F1.
Leicester Bangs says
–>
Vulpes Vulpes says
Shotokan Karate.
Rigid Digit says
Arsenal centre back?
fentonsteve says
Snooker. Or, at a push, Darts.
Slug says
Is push darts like shove ha’penny?
Leffe Gin says
Snooker for me too. I like playing it more than watching, and it seems like a pretty good life & longer career than many other sports.
Beezer says
Yes, snooker for me too. I also prefer watching it than playing it. I very rarely ‘see’ anything other than the most obvious pot and have no idea how the hell to place the cue ball ready for the next,
Highest break ever = 7.
Vulpes Vulpes says
*cough*
Sport, old chap. Not games.
The Muswell Hillbilly says
Cricket. Classy, unruffled batsman and a handy enough bowler when the chips are down and something different is required. Handy habit of pinching wickets when it’s needed most. Moving into punditry when the career winds down, so I could continue drifting around the world avoiding winters for the rest of my life.
bobness says
Good shout, Sir.
One wonders how Michael (“Hint of shape”, repeat ad nauseum) Vaughan manages to do it, though…
Slug says
Cricket would be my choice also. Big, physical, lightening fast bowler who scares the living crap out of everyone, or a wily, devious spinner who can turn the ball at right angles and can whip through the best batting orders in under half an hour.
Failing that, can I be heavyweight boxing champion of the world? Perhaps in the style of Joe Frazier, with a successful kitchen utensil sideline.
Rigid Digit says
Golf – only sport I was ever really good at. Although not played it since I was about 20.
That or Touring Car Racing
Nick L says
Football. A promising career (in my head) wrecked by knee injury which has plagued me ever since. Oh well.
Leedsboy says
Football, A big strong striker – bags of pace and a ferocious shot. Decent first touch and went through my entire career without being booked. Sensible haircut throughout my career. Erudite and deemed decent by most normal people.
I’d like to be Patrick Bamford it seems (apart from the bookings) which is ok by me.
SteveT says
@Leedsboy Patrick Bamford is an interesting one – to me he was better in the Prem last year than in the Championship the previous year. I have a few friends who are Leeds fans and they are not the most complimentary about him even after the season he had last year. He is a hero to me after his hat trick against the Villa
Leedsboy says
@SteveT They are wrong Steve. I’ve had this debate with supporters since he joined. He works so hard. He is a top man. He has excellent technique and he is reasonably prolific. Bielsa rates him highly and Bielsa knows more about football than all of the Leeds fans put together.
PB is not Harry Kane but he is Patrick Bamford. And I like PB a lot.
count jim moriarty says
I’ve got a lot of time for Bamford – good hard worker and plenty of skill, and an intelligent bloke. The treatment that he received at Boro was mystifying. We first had him on a season loan, in which he was excellent – hard working and scored plenty. Let him go back to Chelsea, and he had a couple of unsuccessful loans at Burnley (not a Dyche sort of player, I’d say) and Norwich. Bought him in Jan window under Karanka, and helped us get promotion. He hardly got on the pitch in the Prem season, as Karanka had filled the dressing room with Spanish speakers and they got selected first, regardless of form. Then the idiot Monk came in, and didn’t play him. Then it was Pulisball. Bamford got in the team for the last 10 games or so, and scored better than a goal a game. Pulis promptly sold him to Leeds.
Leedsboy says
And yet many at Leeds thought he was overpriced. Football fans are stopped clocks in the main.
Slug says
One of perhaps a handful of ex-public schoolboys who have made it as pro footballers. Think Frank Lampard is another notable one.
However, in my opinion, any player who has represented bloody Franchise FC is automatically untouchable and lower than low. Even if Chelsea were probably paying his wages.
Gatz says
My fantasies have always tended to the rock star end of things, complete lack of musical talent notwithstanding, so maybe sprinting. Work in 10 second bursts and the rest of my time would by my own. As should already be obvious, this only ever about as likely as my becoming a rock god.
Nick L says
Dunno about rock god but I would actually be very happy if I’d been a minor bit-part player in, say, a band who’d had a few indie singles out between 84 and 89 and had a bit of a following. I’d love to be able to look back and say “I did that.” I was in a few bands but nothing was ever recorded and not that many gigs were played. Terrific fun, but nothing tangible to show for it.
Leicester Bangs says
Nobody for boxing? Just one fixture a year.
moseleymoles says
Has to be tennis, as for the F1 – a bit like jockeys it is as much about the steed as the rider. I would in my mind be the English Federer, unveiling a cross-court forehand as flat and hard as a bullet, then a drilled down the line backhand (all one-handed of course) while languidly floating into the net on my toes to delicately punch a volley behind the despairing lunge of a double-handed baseline grinder..
Bingo Little says
Surfing.
Travel the world, spend lots of time in the water, a sport you can practice up to (and even into) old age, keeps you in great shape. Plus, not so famous you can’t live in the real world a bit.
I prefer playing football, but I get the distinct impression it becomes a lot less fun as you go up the chain, and the physical demands are massive, in terms of wear and tear and your overall shelf life. Plus, I think that low level, playground style football is the best football there is.
I also wouldn’t want to be Ronaldo. Too much testicular waxing and flexing in front of the mirror.
Bingo Little says
Question on the premise here. Do we get to be the best in the world for the duration of a normal career, or indefinitely?
Because, thinking about it, playing for Arsenal for my 40th successive season and being the best footballer on the planet aged 80 is just too delicious a concept to pass up. I presumably wouldn’t need to bother training either, so plenty of opportunity for mediocre surfing in my down time.
Paul Wad says
It would be tempting to say boxing or formula one, for the big pay packets, but I have zero interest in cars and even the best boxers in the world get punched in the face occasionally. With the size of my nose I might as well paint a target on it. But football has been my passion for as long as I can remember. Over the past 10 years or so it’s been limited to my own team and non-league football, cos I can’t stand the cheating or the way money has ruined the game, but Barnsley FC play a big part in my life.
Ah, but the OP says one of the best in the world, and the best footy players in the world get £200k+ per week. Not me though, cos no matter how good I was I would only want to play for Barnsley. Perhaps if I was good enough to inspire them to promotion to the greed league and then keep them there, as a bit of a one-man team (like Le Tissier and Southampton) they might give me a pay rise, but I don’t think any amount of money could lure me away from Oakwell, if I was good enough to play for them.
I (thought I) had my chance when I was about 14 or 15, when I got invited to the club to try out for the youth team, but when I got put on in central midfield in the practice match (I was a full back who wanted to be a winger) I realised they weren’t looking at me and I was only there to keep my mate, our exceptionally good school goalkeeper, company.
Dave Ross says
T20 cricket. I’d be a shameless gun for hire following the sun and the money. Bat, bowl and field like a Demon. What a life….
GCU Grey Area says
A world class spin bowler, of whatever persuasion of spin, who can bat at number 7. Too greedy to want to bowl like Jimmy Anderson.
Lando Cakes says
Mini-golf. The only sport I’m willing to give more than a nanosecond to.
Bingo Little says
There must be someone who is the best in the world at mini golf. I wonder if he or she even knows it.
Gatz says
I think I remember a contestant on Pointless who a world champion mini golfer.
Slug says
Oh yes indeed. The reigning World Champ of mini golf is one Marc Chapman (not that one). The home of the World Championships for the last twenty odd years is sunny Hastings and, unlike St.Andrews or Carnoustie, anyone one can just turn up at and have a crack playing a world class course.
https://www.hastingsadventuregolf.com/worldcrazygolf.asp
hedgepig says
Oh how I wish it was that one. Imagine the film. The prison training montages.
BFG says
Football box to box goalscoring midfielder
Cricket – not sure love watching my lads bat but really enjoy watching them bowl, particularly as they’re getting quicker as the season goes on, so fast bowler with a natural action that avoids any injuries & scares the life out of batsmen.
Skiing – would love to be able to do all the off-piste extreme stuff but remain safe & well, avoiding any avalanches.
Cookieboy says
Golf, not now but twenty years ago, you could never really be too out of shape for it.
You used to see these fat bastards walking down the fairways smoking. That’s the life for me.
You can get a cart to take you to your next shot, you can load up that cart with snacks or drinks, or porno mags if you want. Any other choice of sport is just nuts.
Lodestone of Wrongness says
A cute back heel from Denis Law to Lodey who spreads it wide to Wee Willie Henderson. Wee Willie leaves four Englishmen and three Germans for dead. He whips in a cross. Denis leaps like a salmon and crashes his header against the bar. Lodey with the skill of a ruthless and deadly predator reacts first. He lashes the ball past the helpless Gordon Banks and the hopeless Lev Yashin. And yes and yes (and yes) Scotland have won the World Cup!!!!
Rigid Digit says
You sure it wasn’t Wee Willie Harris out on the wing
Sewer Robot says
Fly fishing – so I could knock J.R. Hartley off his f*cking perch..
Leedsboy says
JR Hartley is, frankly, a pervert if thats what he does to fish.
Moose the Mooche says
I always assumed it was hip-hop slang – Fly Fishing, Dope Angling, Phat Trawling
Moose the Mooche says
Running very fast, which has many practical uses outside of athletics, and there’s none of that “team” crap where you have to pretend to like other people.
Twang says
Exactly, no desire to be in a team sport so I’m with the snooker contingent.
Moose the Mooche says
Ah snooker – as with darts, an excuse to spend many long hours in pubs.
moseleymoles says
I think Ronaldo has just about taken the ‘team crap’ out of football when he plays.
Moose the Mooche says
Does Ronaldo play with a team then? My impression was that he was just like one of those lads at school who just wandered in to a game that was already in progress.
Bamber says
Golf. There’s time to enjoy your lovely surroundings especially when you’re playing well. At the top level you could put despicable twats like Bryson de Chambeau (the golf equivalent of Mike Love of the Beach Boys©), Patrick Reed and Bubba Watson in the shade and bring happiness to many with your mastery of the game. I gave up my single handicap when I had kids. I’m not bitter.
johnw says
Yep, it has to be golf for me as well. Apart from the joys of being able to play well, I rather fancy the (probable) opportunity to try to shake up some of the ridiculous rules many golf clubs/courses have. I haven’t actually played for years but when I did I was forever in breach of crazy dress code restrictions which drove me mad.
Truth be told, I’d quite like to be the best (or near the best) at anything at all, sporting or otherwise.
Moose the Mooche says
The Lost Continent was good though. Didn’t know he’d moved to France – nice of the government over there to give him a title.
hedgepig says
Running, I think. Elite marathon runners do a mile about 50% faster than I do one when running 5k. Imagine being able to keep that pace for 26 miles! It’s essentially a sprint pace for any normal mortal.
If I can count it as one sport, I’d love to be equally rated over different distances. Sprinting is so exhilarating, but distance is so satisfying. I’d love to be world champion across both 100m and, say, 10,000m.
thecheshirecat says
My sport is cycling, so could this be my answer? Not a chance. One read of Paul Kimmage’s ‘Rough Ride’ would tell you that there is no glamour in the life of the professional cyclist. To be in the world top three would mean you were riding the Tour de France – arguably the most gruelling sporting event in the world, exceeded maybe only by the Giro d’Italia. You don’t get to soak up the sun and the sunflowers or enjoy the view, when all you’re trying to do is keep rehydrated and focus on the back wheel of the bloke you’re slipstreaming, without clashing tyres. The training is hard and relentless, and some of those slight-looking fellahs in the peloton are as hard as nails. You’ve handed control over your body to the team doctor and dietician, and you all know where some of that ends. What you may not know is that the continuous wolfing of carbohydrates leads to some cyclists having livers that have more than a passing resemblance to foie gras.
No, I’ll stick to my cycle-touring in the Massif Central, thankyou very much. I get to choose what I want off the menu and look at maps and wear lycra all day. Any of my friends will tell you these are my heart’s desire.
But if I could just have a few new bikes each year and have someone else fix my punctures, that would be lovely.
Twang says
I had cycling then changed it for the reasons you state. It’s pretty relentless and at career end you’re crippled. Not much fun.
Slug says
That massive pile up on the first day of the Tour that took out most of the peloton was both scary and absurd, in that such carnage was the result of a spectator caring more about being on TV than watching the race. The equivalent of someone at Silverstone wandering on to the track as the start signal comes up.
I am not a cyclist but in recent years have been gripped by the coverage of the Tour, the Vuelta, and particularly of the Giro d’Italia with its magnificent scenery, possibly due to the increased British success in a sport that always seemed too continental for us. I am in awe of the physical and mental effort it takes.
Sitheref2409 says
All I ever wanted to be growing up was Roy Laidlaw, except with the ability to pass off my left hand.
Still do.
thecheshirecat says
Without Alan Hull’s songwriting, I fear he is nothing.
Barry Blue says
I’m wondering which sport is least injurious, both from the training and participation. You’d imagine snooker, but the downside seems to be the low mood that ensues from so much time spent practising, often alone, under fluorescent lighting. Same with darts.
To have been a top level footballer in the days of Nat Lofthouse, Wilf Mannion, and Charles Charlie Charles would have been grand, though dementia from heading a Casey too many times, and dodgy knees, and running a pub in retirement wouldn’t have been so good.
Boxing’s probably my favourite sport, but clearly even if you’re the supernaturally elusive Willie Pep, cranial damage is going to occur.
So anyway, I’m going for Arm Wrestling. It first came to my attention in the early 70s, on Indoor League, an ITV series hosted by Fred ‘Makes Geoff Boycott look like a dungareed member of the SWP’ Trueman. Fred would light his pipe, sup his ale, say ‘Ey up’ and introduce various pub based games/activities, from Darts to Shove ha’penny. Arm Wrestling was the big pull, though, and the star was Clive ‘Ironfist’ Myers, probably the only black person to appear on the show. No-one beat Clive, no matter how many Embassy Gold tabs they’d had beforehand.
Fast forward to the present, and thanks to a hypnotherapy practitioner colleague, I’ve been introduced to the world of Devon Larratt, a Canadian who’s long ruled the roost in the wrestling of arms world, but is now being challenged by a bespectacled youngster nicknamed The Schoolboy from Eastern Europe, and there are various acromegaly-affected participants whose hands are the size of XXL Joy Division oven gloves, also keen to usurp the Canadian. Larratt is a joy to watch, smiling and chatting his way through bouts, and there’s a heartening sense of camaraderie amongst them all.
Boneshaker says
Anyone for tennis?
Mike_H says
Lounging.
I feel I have a real talent for it, being naturally indolent.
Black Celebration says
Being (effortlessly) the best in the world at chess would be a pretty good life. I’ve heard that Kasparov can play 50 opponents at once and beat them all. In a side room, I would be there with a game on the go with all my horseys and castles surrounding his king, while I’m watching telly. He surveys the board, shakes his fist and cries “DAMN you Black Celebration!” In Russian.
Before long I’d be pitted against Deep Blue and, while calmly whistling Breakfast at Tiffany’s I will overheat that mofukka’s circuits and make it blow up.
Fintinlimbim says
Golf. Then every time I won a major tournament I could make it known to all the Pringle wearing social climbing clubhouse bores what a crap sport it is. Hitting a stationary ball at a stationary hole? Pah!
count jim moriarty says
Well said that man.
NigelT says
I still play tennis in my 70s. I really wish I had played more in my youth, but I didn’t pick up a raquet between about 18 and 45, so I feel I missed out a big development stage!
I recently started playing a bit of golf – this came about after a few years of pitch and putt with a mate and he decided to try a full sized course. I was petrified standing on the first tee with a motley set of clubs bought for a few quid from the recycling centre (or ‘the tip’ in old money), but it was OK and I even got a couple of pars. However, after playing that course a few times, we went to another local course which was bloody huge…..oh my, that was tough and in the end I just wanted it to all be over.
So, either of the above for me!