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If The Afterword Massive were to form a political party for the General Election what would be called and what would our policies be?
Anyone who has a friend or family member affected by cancer, heart disease, stroke, dementia, one of the myriad of genetic diseases, or any other condition currently in need of better treatment, shall be allowed to bitch-slap anti-vivisectionists.
Prime Minister – The Right Hon Sir Paul Maccington de-la-thumbsaloft-waheyy! McCartney
The other cabinet positions will be filled by specific experts in their field with full autonomy (see below). The Govt’s official title will change to “Sir Paul McCartney’s UK Government”
Home Secretary – Morrissey and Sir Paul McCartney
Chancellor – Elton John and Sir Paul McCartney
Education – Roger Waters and Sir Paul McCartney
Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster – Kevin from Musical Youth and Sir Paul McCartney
Lord Privy Seal – Adamski
Culture Secretary – Any remaining members of Scaffold and Sir Paul McCartney.
Defence Secretary – James Blunt and Sir Paul McCartney
Minister without Portfolio – Sir Richard Starkey.
That’s what I thought when I heard about the appointment. It’s OK though, our Paul is there to hold the reins for Roger while he takes the all the time he needs to come to terms with his new job.
Breaking News is that Kevin from Musical Youth has sensationally resigned! “The post just doesn’t make sense!” he said to a close friend. “I’m a 10 year old boy from 1982 and it strikes me that I only got this job because “Duchy” is in the title! “.
Sir Paul has responded with all best wishes and a thumbs up emoji to Kevin. “Hey! Look – no hard feelins from me. I’ll just keep an eye on things while I look around for someone else to take the role. Might take a bit of time, but don’t worry – I’m totally across this.”
Am I the only one who just read that quote from PM Macca whilst doing the “bad Paul McCartney impression” voice in my head? I think it’s time I went to bed
Roger Waters is another dissenter, it seems. He tweets – “What the fuck is this? I thought I made it clear in my hit single from late 1979 that I don’t really rate education at all. No idea why Sir Paul chucks this portfolio at me. I’d have thought I’d be the last person to appoint. I’m not even an elected politician!”
Sir Paul responded: “Hey Rog! It’s all cool, y’know…receiving you loud and clear, my friend! I’m in the corner now, with me Dunce hat on, yer know what I mean!?! (They actually had them hats when we were lads, eh?). It’s somethin I can look after while me team werks out ‘oo to ask next. By the end of the yurrr, we’ll probably have someone doing the job but in the meantime I’ll just oversee the department.”
Prime minister Sir Paul McCartney releases details of his cabinet reshuffle just a day after taking office. In a good-natured presser outside Number 10, he is accompanied at the podium by Ringo, who smiles broadly and occasionally flashes peace signs as Sir Paul talks:
“Er …yeah! So thank yooo ladies and gentlemen for coming to our little (head wobble) ‘soirée’ ! You may have ‘eard that some of me Cabinet appointments have been put on ice for now….”
Ringo (leans over to the mic) – “ALL of yer Cabinet appointments”
Paul – (laughs) “er…yeah! ALL of me Ministers have been in touch to say that they were flattered, y’know, and everything…but weren’t quite ready for high office. Which is cool with us, like.” (shrug)
Ringo – (leans in again) “Peace and Luv!”
Paul – “So…me and be old pal ‘ere are going to be running things. For now. It’s all cool. Y’know, when we were in the Beeeatuls, we are a huge global concehrn, y’know. And I ran all of that meself!
Ringo nods in agreement.
Paul – “So me and ‘im are gonna give it a whirl in thurr (gestures to No 10) and we’ll see what ‘appens and get things movin’ ! As John once said, All you need is love!”
Ringo – (leans in) “Peace and l…”
Paul – “Yeah yeah we know, Ring, we KNOW. Ey! Talking of getting things movin’ – that line in Hey Jude where I sing ‘the movement you need is on your shoulder…’ yeah? Well…those words were just meant to be meaningless placeholders but John said ‘it’s the best line in the song!’ …so it stayed. Anyway back in ‘amburg we ‘ad to do 15 shows a day and….”
“Level up” the country’s live music scene. All venues to have a PA System and Backline grant – no more knackered old 4×12 cabs.
New touring bands motorway network directly linking the UK’s music venues for easy touring. No chance to get lost on the ring-road, as every motorway junction takes you straight to the venue loading bay. All to be constructed with no sharp corners, and lane widths suitable for overloaded Transit vans.
Northampton Roadmenders to the Camden Falcon, to St Austell Coliseum, to Dudley J.B.s, to Nottingham Rock City, to King Tuts Wah Wah Hut, to Bath Moles club, to Cambridge Boat Race, etc.
Always a perplexing thought for anyone living well below the border with Scotland but still necessitating a 100 mile drive south to visit either L or M.
STFU at gigs to be enforced in law
Bragging about your charity shop purchases on social media to recognised as a mental illness
As above, but posting your Wordle score
Every album must include at least one song in 13/8 time
Everyone must rank everything in their house from favourite to least favourite, including their children, and maintain updated lists.
National anthem to become the whistling bit from Wind of Change by Scorpions
University entrance criteria to be based on knowledge of Kinks’ B-sides 1965-76
Paul McCartney to be quietly replaced (again) by MI5 when he dies (again)
Bragging about your charity shop purchases on social media to recognised as posting your Wordle score? How’s that going to work? You haven’t thought this through.
Good spell in the Army, plus National Service, for all jessies. Thugs get the Findhorn treatment. That’ll have them seeing the error of their ways.
A new A level qualification in the NME 1973 to 1985, with the option of a degree and post-graduate progression. No child to not be familiar with the works of The Kinks, David Bowie, the first 20 years of Stevie Wonder, and, if scientifically inclined, Hawkwind.
ELP’s “Jerusalem” as the national anthem for England.
Juke boxes to return to all pubs and cafes, but to have a mandatory option of a silent track, as well as Songs by Napalm Death and Daniel O’Donnell.
All national institutions designed around classic situation comedies set in them (hospitals, “Carry On” films, public transport, “On the Buses”, etc).
(I wrote this unaware of Chiz’s contribution. Seems we’re onto something.)
This is why all those gadgies are trying to get out of Eritrea. Dinghies full of sunburned British boys paddling desperately across the Med to the safety of Algeria? Is that what you want?
Here, hang on, how come there’s a time stamp on Stevie but not on The Kinks or Bowie? God almighty people, can we just find it in our hearts to forgive him for I Just Called To Say I Love You?
Fair enough, I suppose Stevie’s 80s stuff is disappointing compared to his 60s and 70s stuff, and that’s not something that’s commonly said about David Bowie or the Kinks.
Where there are fuckwits may we bring silence.
Where there are songs may we bring concept albums with gatefold sleeves.
Where there are movies may we bring clear and well enunciated dialogue.
Where there is discord may we bring Al Green.
Where there are people having a good time may we bring Captain Beefheart.
There’s now a picture of a fat bloke, stupefied by tasteful guitar-based rock, raising the arm of a turntable, surrounded by by CDs and record sleeves. I’m sure there’s a valid explanation.
Jarvis Cocker as Foreign Secretary
Gerry Rafferty as Minister of Health.
Only one item in the Chancellor’s autumn statement:
More cowbell.
And more quarries.
Let There Be Rock!
Listen 6 times! Use the box! Buy a FiiO!
Anyone who has a friend or family member affected by cancer, heart disease, stroke, dementia, one of the myriad of genetic diseases, or any other condition currently in need of better treatment, shall be allowed to bitch-slap anti-vivisectionists.
Asylum seekers to be processed in The Leadmill.
Presumably a very loud foreign policy based on having read a Tom Clancy novel one time in East Midlands Airport
If you like our a-side, wait ’til you hear our b-side. The Cu*t party will unfortunately get worse as it gets more popular.
I prefer the early drafts of the manifesto to the actual government.
PPBs directed by Tim Pope, with assistance from Flick Colby.
Immigration to be controlled by playing Sham69 and Cockney Rejects at Dover
And Stiff Little Fingers at Stranraer.
Steven Wilson for PM.
Get Remixit Done!
….in that case asylum seekers end up in the same place as before
National Curriculum to be expanded to include modules on constructing the perfect list (theory and practice)
Order! Order! Order the Blue Note/Cherry Red/Trojan Box Set!
Nuclear deterrent replaced by pop stars breaking wind at the enemy.
All of them in a bunker at Holy Loch, eating sprouts.
Enduring image.
Prime Minister – The Right Hon Sir Paul Maccington de-la-thumbsaloft-waheyy! McCartney
The other cabinet positions will be filled by specific experts in their field with full autonomy (see below). The Govt’s official title will change to “Sir Paul McCartney’s UK Government”
Home Secretary – Morrissey and Sir Paul McCartney
Chancellor – Elton John and Sir Paul McCartney
Education – Roger Waters and Sir Paul McCartney
Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster – Kevin from Musical Youth and Sir Paul McCartney
Lord Privy Seal – Adamski
Culture Secretary – Any remaining members of Scaffold and Sir Paul McCartney.
Defence Secretary – James Blunt and Sir Paul McCartney
Minister without Portfolio – Sir Richard Starkey.
McCartney would be an excellent Minister for Youth Employment as he’s already employed one. Mind you, the arguments would be electric.
@Black-Celebration
Anyone else here think that Roger Waters’ department
is a little redundant?
That’s what I thought when I heard about the appointment. It’s OK though, our Paul is there to hold the reins for Roger while he takes the all the time he needs to come to terms with his new job.
Bleating and babbling he fell on his ministerial red box with a screeeeeeeam
Day after day white papers turn grey like the skin of a dying man
Not now Mr Speaker, we gotta get on with these
Set the controls for the heart of Great Smith Street…
Breaking News is that Kevin from Musical Youth has sensationally resigned! “The post just doesn’t make sense!” he said to a close friend. “I’m a 10 year old boy from 1982 and it strikes me that I only got this job because “Duchy” is in the title! “.
Sir Paul has responded with all best wishes and a thumbs up emoji to Kevin. “Hey! Look – no hard feelins from me. I’ll just keep an eye on things while I look around for someone else to take the role. Might take a bit of time, but don’t worry – I’m totally across this.”
Am I the only one who just read that quote from PM Macca whilst doing the “bad Paul McCartney impression” voice in my head? I think it’s time I went to bed
It’s the Hey, Look that had me doing it.
@Paul-Wad
@retropath2
It’s the thumbs aloft business you have to be careful about.
Should the wind suddenly shift while your oposables are so hoisted,
they will remain in that position for perpetuity
You can join but you can never leave.
Musings on the byways of Parlimentary culture
Roger Waters is another dissenter, it seems. He tweets – “What the fuck is this? I thought I made it clear in my hit single from late 1979 that I don’t really rate education at all. No idea why Sir Paul chucks this portfolio at me. I’d have thought I’d be the last person to appoint. I’m not even an elected politician!”
Sir Paul responded: “Hey Rog! It’s all cool, y’know…receiving you loud and clear, my friend! I’m in the corner now, with me Dunce hat on, yer know what I mean!?! (They actually had them hats when we were lads, eh?). It’s somethin I can look after while me team werks out ‘oo to ask next. By the end of the yurrr, we’ll probably have someone doing the job but in the meantime I’ll just oversee the department.”
Christ, I’ve just done it again…
@paul-wad That was the intention, so I’m glad it worked with you.
Syd Barrett appointed Minister For Transport. He’s got a bike, you can ride it if you like. However Dan McCafferty insists they are all painted white
Thank god it’s not Katie Melua then.
Has it got a bell and things to make it look good?
Indeed. It’s not his though, he only borrowed it
Chancellor of the Exchequer – Ernest Evans
Given they are both well known to Macca, surely Dear prudence or Mean Mr Mustard would both be better choices as CotE?
MMM would probably just shade it for keeping “a ten bob note up his nose”,
Presumably in case of global financial crashes
Ernest Evans = Chubby Checker.
Chancellor of…oh, please yourselves! 😏
Final (fast-forwarded) instalment.
Prime minister Sir Paul McCartney releases details of his cabinet reshuffle just a day after taking office. In a good-natured presser outside Number 10, he is accompanied at the podium by Ringo, who smiles broadly and occasionally flashes peace signs as Sir Paul talks:
“Er …yeah! So thank yooo ladies and gentlemen for coming to our little (head wobble) ‘soirée’ ! You may have ‘eard that some of me Cabinet appointments have been put on ice for now….”
Ringo (leans over to the mic) – “ALL of yer Cabinet appointments”
Paul – (laughs) “er…yeah! ALL of me Ministers have been in touch to say that they were flattered, y’know, and everything…but weren’t quite ready for high office. Which is cool with us, like.” (shrug)
Ringo – (leans in again) “Peace and Luv!”
Paul – “So…me and be old pal ‘ere are going to be running things. For now. It’s all cool. Y’know, when we were in the Beeeatuls, we are a huge global concehrn, y’know. And I ran all of that meself!
Ringo nods in agreement.
Paul – “So me and ‘im are gonna give it a whirl in thurr (gestures to No 10) and we’ll see what ‘appens and get things movin’ ! As John once said, All you need is love!”
Ringo – (leans in) “Peace and l…”
Paul – “Yeah yeah we know, Ring, we KNOW. Ey! Talking of getting things movin’ – that line in Hey Jude where I sing ‘the movement you need is on your shoulder…’ yeah? Well…those words were just meant to be meaningless placeholders but John said ‘it’s the best line in the song!’ …so it stayed. Anyway back in ‘amburg we ‘ad to do 15 shows a day and….”
(Everyone wanders off)
That had me doing my bad Ringo impression in me head.
😄
Government subsidies for constructing new vinly pressing plants.
Means-tested box set allowance.
“Level up” the country’s live music scene. All venues to have a PA System and Backline grant – no more knackered old 4×12 cabs.
New touring bands motorway network directly linking the UK’s music venues for easy touring. No chance to get lost on the ring-road, as every motorway junction takes you straight to the venue loading bay. All to be constructed with no sharp corners, and lane widths suitable for overloaded Transit vans.
Northampton Roadmenders to the Camden Falcon, to St Austell Coliseum, to Dudley J.B.s, to Nottingham Rock City, to King Tuts Wah Wah Hut, to Bath Moles club, to Cambridge Boat Race, etc.
Bands could occasionally level up by doing a gig in Yorkshire, instead of both Liverpool and Manchester! Bloody annoying.
But Liverpool and Manchester ARE the North of England…. as they’re always telling us
Always a perplexing thought for anyone living well below the border with Scotland but still necessitating a 100 mile drive south to visit either L or M.
But all the Manchester fans actually live in Surrey or Shanghai
STFU at gigs to be enforced in law
Bragging about your charity shop purchases on social media to recognised as a mental illness
As above, but posting your Wordle score
Every album must include at least one song in 13/8 time
Everyone must rank everything in their house from favourite to least favourite, including their children, and maintain updated lists.
National anthem to become the whistling bit from Wind of Change by Scorpions
University entrance criteria to be based on knowledge of Kinks’ B-sides 1965-76
Paul McCartney to be quietly replaced (again) by MI5 when he dies (again)
Bragging about your charity shop purchases on social media to recognised as posting your Wordle score? How’s that going to work? You haven’t thought this through.
He’s obviously aiming for a cabinet post in the first reshuffle
I’ve had to resign already… you needn’t ask why.
Heavy-duty agricultural equipment?
Badgers?
Please reassure us no badgers were involved,
Moose…
I just hope everyone’s TB jabbed.
Good spell in the Army, plus National Service, for all jessies. Thugs get the Findhorn treatment. That’ll have them seeing the error of their ways.
A new A level qualification in the NME 1973 to 1985, with the option of a degree and post-graduate progression. No child to not be familiar with the works of The Kinks, David Bowie, the first 20 years of Stevie Wonder, and, if scientifically inclined, Hawkwind.
ELP’s “Jerusalem” as the national anthem for England.
Juke boxes to return to all pubs and cafes, but to have a mandatory option of a silent track, as well as Songs by Napalm Death and Daniel O’Donnell.
All national institutions designed around classic situation comedies set in them (hospitals, “Carry On” films, public transport, “On the Buses”, etc).
(I wrote this unaware of Chiz’s contribution. Seems we’re onto something.)
The Army PLUS National Service?
This is why all those gadgies are trying to get out of Eritrea. Dinghies full of sunburned British boys paddling desperately across the Med to the safety of Algeria? Is that what you want?
I recall some years ago Pete Docherty suggesting, if he was PM, he’d “send back the blacks and the Irish”. Oh, how we laughed.
Here, hang on, how come there’s a time stamp on Stevie but not on The Kinks or Bowie? God almighty people, can we just find it in our hearts to forgive him for I Just Called To Say I Love You?
“And I mean it from the heart of my bottom”
NO, WE CAN’T.
Best we pretend it didn’t happen.
Fair enough, I suppose Stevie’s 80s stuff is disappointing compared to his 60s and 70s stuff, and that’s not something that’s commonly said about David Bowie or the Kinks.
*glances sideways to camera*
It’s Harry Hawkfall’s TV Burp!
51st State as the new national anthem.
Where there are fuckwits may we bring silence.
Where there are songs may we bring concept albums with gatefold sleeves.
Where there are movies may we bring clear and well enunciated dialogue.
Where there is discord may we bring Al Green.
Where there are people having a good time may we bring Captain Beefheart.
Where there is chaos may we bring ranked lists
Where there is available bandwidth may we bring YouTube heavy threads based on a particular theme
Get CDSwaps Done!
Randomize that, Remasterers!
Let the Box Sets pile up!
Anyone who attended a mingle must resign. Especially if there was beer and/or cake.
I dunno. I think it’s time for another one. Stuff the cake, mind.
There’s now a picture of a fat bloke, stupefied by tasteful guitar-based rock, raising the arm of a turntable, surrounded by by CDs and record sleeves. I’m sure there’s a valid explanation.
You lookin in a mirror, @Moose- the- moose
Well that didn’t work….
Moose the Moose is an imposter I tell you. Not even a Confederate or an Attraction, already.
Mingle?
That’s either one l of a typo or I’m in serious trouble
Mingle?
That’s either one l of a typo or I’m in serious trouble
After the Queens speech today I am disappointed at the dismissive attitude to Prog.
I will therefore be voting Lib Dem as our leader is….