…I have clambered up on the carcasses of morons (Sir Isaac Newton, obvs).
I have had two fucking brilliant ideas recently. Recognition of these in my household has been more muted than I would have liked, so I am sharing them here.
Idea 1: A new K9-like robotic Dr Who sidekick in the form of a bird/drone, called AVN. Genius, I know.
Idea 2: I am in constant battle with the land around my house which wants desperately to return to rainforest/lantana if left untended for more than a month or two. This requires walking around my steep property with a pair of long-handled cutters and a glyphosate-charged backpack and spray nozzle. You have to cut the plant and then spray the stem (spraying the leaves is a bit too hit and miss) which requires putting down the clippers, changing hands and spraying. Literally thousands of times. For years I have been dreaming of a set of clippers that paints the stem as you chop, so a couple of months ago I bought some cheap clippers and a weeding wand, cable-tied them together and went for it. The system worked beautifully to the point where I’m about to make a more robust version 2.0. I genuinely think that a properly-engineered version of this would sell like hotcakes.
So what brilliant ideas/inventions have you had that have not been given the accolades they deserve? Now is your moment to shine!
Robot vacuum cleaner? Fine. Is there such a thing as a robot window cleaner? No I am not bloody talking about windscreen wipers.
Enhanced interrogators should use sparkling water for waterboarding – you know the cheap supermarket stuff that attacks your mouth with needles.
Ladybird books for children.
Beat you to it with the robotic window cleaner.
I’m hoping to have the George 4MB on the market in time
for Xmas*
* Available from B&Q, Home Base, Tesco, Woodies and good stores everywhere. Or call 1-800 SUCKR now to get a fabulous free gift
Straight to the middle aisle of Aldi with that mofo, I think
Techmoan covered a robot window cleaner a few years ago.
Problem here is that any electronic product that has the word “Windows” in the name will automatically fuck up everything else in your house. You’ll never see daylight again and some tech bro will come your house, shrug and say “Personally I think they peaked with NT”.
Heating things up quickly has been easy for decades – but how come no one has developed an appliance that instantly makes things really cold? Come on you boffins! It can’t be that hard.
Mrs Jaygee is capable of doing that with just a twitch of her eyebrow whenever I return home from the pub somewhat the worse for wear
Have you tried ice cubes?
Low tech and amazingly affordable,
So you have a warm bottle of lager but you want it to be nice and cold – and you want it now.
Ice cubes won’t cut it. You need a freezo-wave.
Have you got liquid Nitrogen down your way, BC? It tends to make things really cold really quickly. Although it might freeze the contents of your tinny.
I like the weeding thing mentioned in the OP. I have a more planet-lovin’ idea where boiling water flows through the clipping implement. You can use it to make a nice cuppa too,
A penis hat – for nudists in sun-kissed conditions.
Just enough to protect the vital helmet from harmful UV rays, not enough to contravene naturist regulations.
For those public occasions, such as the beach, when applying cream may attract suspicion.
Models could include:
– The Reni (or, for Americans, The Bucket)
– The Benny (or, for Americans, The On The Waterfront)
– The Man with No Name
– The Archbishop
– The Victorian Mill-Owner
– The Dick Turpin (oh FFS….)
How about a penis hat that looks exactly like a penis, only bigger than the one it’s covering?
And what about protection for the rear well? The Bumbrella, or Parsehole.
@Chiz
Oh, I say! Well played, sir!
From now on I will always sing along to Rihanna’s hit with the word “Bumbrella”.
About the augmenting pee pee hat – it might appeal to a certain type of client (*pictures Trump for some reason*) but I thought the whole point of nudist areas was they were a space for those weirdos (I actually suspect a legitimately separate species) who AREN’T ashamed of their bodies..?
As I said, it’s for protecting the dermis rather than modesty. It’s quite normal for self-styled nudists to wear sandals* and headgear, after all. The Moose-patented Bud-Hood© could almost be part of a three-piece set.
(*as if they don’t look revolting enough)
Pubic covers are on sale at Merks and Spencers.
You would have thought that Peacocks might sell them.
I dare say it would be vulgar to have normal size conventions, so having names corresponding to sizes would spare blushes at the boutique:
– The Frank Sidebottom
– The Zuchetto
– The Richard Thompson
– The Harry Worth
– The Jamiroquai
– The Slash
The Frank Sidebottom would be a papier-mache item, obviously
Outstanding!
…as it were
Moosey I have a copy of this should you wish to peruse.
https://www.abebooks.co.uk/9780898153972/Kokigami-Intimate-Art-Little-Paper-0898153972/plp
Like I’m clicking that link…
…at work
Wait till you get home.
Proper beer can holders on supermarket trolleys. The ones they have are waaaay too small.
They used to have what they laughingly referred to as a child seat, which was actually for your six-pack.
I’lll see your six-pack and raise you a Watney’s Party Seven
These days I’m more sophisticated and would be seen fuelling myself from a wine-box of Country Manor with a novelty straw jammed in the top. Hey presto, hands-free!
Of course the need for drinking incognito needs to be taken care of.
That pretty much destroys the idea that there ain’t no poshos in that Hull.
I hope that’s a pint glass.
Yer man wanted to know if we’re into The Residents on this site, I think this answers that question.
A robotic device that fills potholes. Works on an AI algorithm, natch, by measuring the hole, then finding what it deems a little-used patch of road, digging up just enough of that road and replacing hole with the newly-dug road stuff* where required. Can’t see a downside.
*talk to my technical department, I’m more of an ideas man.
When you say ‘on an AI algorithm’, you mean ‘by magic’, don’t you?
I’m trying to imagine some form of big-data-scraping Chat GPT program accessing the social media feeds of thousands and thousands of civil engineers and surveyors, using the result to measure, locate and fill.
“Oh no, you’ve only gone and used the Bernard Cribbins setting, you useless piece of software!”
Just needs patenting.
@MC-Escher
If Rod Stewart delays his retirement we know who to blame
Beaten to it, old chap. Sort of…
https://www.watfordobserver.co.uk/news/24040128.hertfordshire-road-first-real-life-test-ai-pothole-robot/
The machine being trialled identifies cracks in the road surface and seals them to prevent water seeping down below the tarmac, causing potholes later when the water freezes and expands.
Yeah, but my idea was based on the comic possibilities afforded by the thought of some robots endlessly finding holes then filling them by creating new holes to fill those holes….
Anyone remember a story involving white, cricket-playing robots from space? It’s on the fringe of my consciousness and I can’t quite bring it into focus.
That would be a small part of Life, The Universe and Everything by Douglas Adams, I’d say..
Thanks. I’ll check that out…
Socks that expand and stand upright when you take them off. In fact, you can shake them off. Then, when you walk into them, they then deflate and cling/hug back to your foot. Saves all those bending moments and all impromptu sound effects therewith.
@retropath2
Have you thought this through? They need to be washed after being taken off and in their upright and expanded form would bulk up the washing machine. I think an enhancement would be to have them become more…. err… erect after removal from the machine so they can dry more efficiently.
Washed? what madness is this? Jings, by not washing, you get part the way to my soon to launched prototype.
“Socks aren’t vegetables, man – they need to be wiped out!”
Can’t delete.
No need to wash socks wear socks the right way round, the next day wear them inside out, any accumulated dirt will be rubbed off onto the inside of the shoe. The next day reverse the socks with a now clean side against the foot.
Continue ad nauseum.
I have a chum who works for the British Antartic Survey who take a similar approach to his undercrackers. Wear, turn around, turn inside out, turn around, repeat. It never gets warm enough for sweat down there.
I’ve seen him cycling around Cambridge in December dressed in nothing but beach shorts and flip-flops.
Sweat would be a secondary concern I’d have thought.
Which reminds me.
You know the song
Footsteps?
Footsteps on the dancefloor, remind me baby of you….
A mate of mine came up with the admittedly immature variant
Skidmarks on my undies, remind me baby of you.
I haven’t seen him for 30 years but everytime that song comes on…
When you’re working out on the ice, sweat is the primary concern – sweat freezes and the skin gets frostbite. So everyone wears multiple layers and takes one off if they start to feel warm. At least it never rains, so no need for waterproofs.
Police car detecting pop-up image-sharpening lenses for car numberplates.
Ever seen one of those Traffic Police shows on Channel 5? It’s no wonder these teenage joy-riders and speeding criminals get pulled over by the Rozzers, as they all drive about in cars with blurry numberplates*, which is bound to attact the attention of the Old Bill.
Whenever there’s a jam sandwich nearby, up pop the FentonRegistrationEnhancer lenses, and the number plates look like the ones owned by your average law-abiding citizen.
(*) FentonRegistrationBlurrer is also for sale to otherwise law-abiding drivers to avoid identification by speed cameras.
There supposedly are vehicle numberplates that one can buy which, although perfectly readable to the eye, cannot be photographed by speed cameras because of their unusual reflective properties. Whether this is real or a scam on gullible boy-racer types is debatable.
I thought F was joking about the way TV shows routinely blur number plates to prevent the owners from being identified
Yes. Some of the drivers even have blurry faces. Ugly bleeders, you’d think it would be easy to spot them in an identity parade.
…like the criminals who walk around with black bars across their eyes? Ridiculously easy to spot…
We should set up in business making Black Bar Eyeball Masks to the Polis for innocent members of the public to wear in identity parades.
Do the police have an app that automatically turns their bodycams off whenever they approach somebody who is black?
My Dragon’s Den idea was a sort of pedal bin fixture to any toilet used by both sexes (other gender identities are available) that automatically lifts the seat when a standing wee is required. I’m amazed it hasn’t been done. ©Bamber Enterprises 2024.
@Bamber
To paraphrase Thomas Edison “genius is 1% inspiration and 99% urination”
Having some sort of reverse function built in would make you very popular with the ladies.
I see about 20 emails offering me that sort of thing every time I open my email box
I’m visualising a strip cartoon of hunks and jocks on the beach, wondering why the skinny nerd gets all the chicks. His secret is revealed – the BamberLid TM.
A time and space continuum portal that deposits me at the front of any Fish and Chip Shop queue – and at the precise moment some fresh chips are ready.
I have started work on this. However the only real progress made has been typing out the concept, above.
Some work to do, but a good start.
I’m getting there. I seem to need an inordinate amount of chicken wire, grapefruits and sellotape.
I may be on the wrong track.
Confucius say: The optimistic man buys many grapefruits.
…am I going to explain that?
It would appear not.
Well quite.
Current thoughts from the Development Team on the grapefruits are that these are to be offered as appeasing gifts to those already at the front of the queue when I suddenly appear.
Not only are they a generous and healthy thought but they’re fucking confusing. If anyone manifested in front of me in a chip shop queue and then offered me a grapefruit I would be taken aback. And then some. This buying time to purchase chips and then nob off back into the portal before the inevitable fisticuffs.
It can’t fail.
This just in – it’s failed.
Here’s a top tip for the Development Team: pretend to be A Foreign and simply march to the front of the queue. If anyone mutters, simply loudly say “Que?” followed by something about, say, grapefruits.
Mrs F, being half-Spanish and raised in France, has been known to take this approach. I’ve tried my best to domesticate her, but after nearly 30 years there’s still occasional feral behaviour.
All becomes clear – the grapefruits are for distraction/bribery!
I was trying to work out what role the grapefruit played in the construction of the space-time portal – surely you need the inside of an old valve CRT TV set, some wires and crocodile clips, some corrugated iron and a car battery…
Odd buggers grapefruit. Or their juice is. For bizarre reasons, a large number of commonly prescribed medications react with the stuff. Is that why, craft IPAs get promoted as tasting like grapefruit. For all the old codgers who can’t eat the things any more.
Yes, Grapefruit is – or can be – incompatible with certain antidepressants (e.g. SSRIs).
Yep – and some statins, and some calcium channel blockers, and some anticoagulants, and etc…
Grapefruit are, indeed, The Devil’s Citrus…
And indeed my BP medication. The chips I’m after aren’t the best idea really.
My GP told me I’d have to drink about a litre of grapefruit juice actually with my statin tablet to get into trouble. So obviously I don’t do that very often.
Oho, I see my sly word with your GP worked; I said you’d believe that……..
Well, I’ve also taken the precaution of not even liking the bloody stuff.
I think craft ales that are promoted to taste of grapefruit are a warning that they’ll taste like sh¥t.
Also very helpful of them to indicate undrinkability by having a picture of two grinning bearded twerps on the bottle, along with some “wacky” copy about how they had the idea of a new type of brewery while unicycling across the Andes (missing the bit about how they pay their employees peanuts and sexually harass them)
Ooh, edgy! (that’s Br*wD*g, not you, Moose…)
Nothing edgy about me, I’m too round.
The Real Ale Twats are possibly my favourite Viz characters.
Real Ale Twats have been replaced by something much much worse: Craft Beer Cunts.
“We started in our garage… and now we’re ordering penniless Romanian migrants to give us blowjobs. What a journey!”
I’ve successfully got this far.
The sellotape, man. Must I do EVERYTHING!
Liam Gallagher is the ideal Guinea pig. Well done, Rawlinson.
I formed the sellotape into double sided tapes which holds the grapefruitian globules together. Out of sight is the stress tested strengthened sellotape which will rip an opening into the space time continuuuuuum.
Way back at the turn of the 1970s an inveterate pot-smoker friend dreamed up the idea of disposable lung liners.
You suck a pair of them down in the morning, before lighting up for the first time, wear them throughout the day and then cough them out and bin them before going to bed at night. Next day, same again.
It’s charming that he thinks lungs are like big balloons, a thin membrane surrounding a void, rather than the labyrinthine sponges they actually are.
Thin down something like PVA glue and inhale it? Line the the alveolar structures then it firms up but stays flexible?
On reflection, it might block the oxygen transfer and smother the user….back to the drawing board…
The Labyrinthine Sponges had the most incredible bass player but the singer, ironically, was crap.
The demos were much more promising than the finished product. Turns out they’d hired someone else to make them.
Shop-bought sponges… shameful cheating.
You should see the bollocks the ponytailed copywriters put on craft beers down here.
“So We thought we’d give this brewing lark a go”
“Just two blokes in a paddock, down the road”
etc etc etc
The purveyors of alcoholic beverages are all at it these days.
The Bollox on the Bottle:
“Driven by his tireless pursuit of perfection, celebrated Bloomsbury tastemaker Charles Tanqueray found “the one”. Tanqueray London Dry, a flawless combination of four perfectly-balanced botanicals; juniper, coriander, angelica root and liquorice, all infused with it’s creator’s singular spirit of ingenuity and passion. A timeless classic.”
I wonder what it says on a bottle of Buckfast? I’d read it myshelf but I carnt focush…
Fuck yourself up fast with Fuckbast.
To return to @Podicle ‘s initial ideas Panamarenko (Belgian artist) devised this many years ago I think it makes an excellent AVN.