I was telling the Russell Harty-slapping ‘Slave to the Rhythm’ hitmaker about my visit to Hampton Court gardens last week to hear the poodle-haired Queen guitarist give an a-capella performance.
My friend has a life-size replica of Jumbo, the celebrated Victorian resident of London Zoo, in the corner of his lounge. There must be an interesting story to tell; however, not only does he not wish to talk about it, he will not even acknowledge the fact that it is there, behind his sofa. This ridiculous sense of denial not only inhabits my friend’s being but also tends to pollute those who visit his house – perhaps it will even consume me in the end.
Apparently this is a relatively common phenomenon. There ought to be some sort of phrase to describe it.
Reminds me of one my faves which I am going to trot out again:
Policeman at door: “I’m sorry to tell you Sir, but it looks like your wife’s been in a traffic accident”
Me: “I know but she’s got a lovely personality.”
Last time I was in court I was woefully let down by my barrister.
Just goes to show that the Starbucks Training Programme ain’t all its cracked up to be.
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied.
“She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Oftentimes I make my way to the top of a hill and lay myself down, before descending the incline in a circular motion. But hey, that’s just how I roll.
salwarpe says
I was telling the Russell Harty-slapping ‘Slave to the Rhythm’ hitmaker about my visit to Hampton Court gardens last week to hear the poodle-haired Queen guitarist give an a-capella performance.
It was amazing, Grace
Rob C says
Fortunately, the local Rabbi was cleared of all charges of professional misconduct, due to unforeseen exceptional circumcisions.
Milkybarnick says
An ex girlfriend of mine used to procrastinate frequently.
Put me off in the end.
madfox says
My friend has a life-size replica of Jumbo, the celebrated Victorian resident of London Zoo, in the corner of his lounge. There must be an interesting story to tell; however, not only does he not wish to talk about it, he will not even acknowledge the fact that it is there, behind his sofa. This ridiculous sense of denial not only inhabits my friend’s being but also tends to pollute those who visit his house – perhaps it will even consume me in the end.
Apparently this is a relatively common phenomenon. There ought to be some sort of phrase to describe it.
I’m not good at one-liners.
policybloke says
My doctor offered me a second opinion, from his dog. I told him I expected more than just a lab test, couldn’t his tabby carry out a cat scan?
H.P. Saucecraft says
I asked my doctor I wanted a second opinion, and he told me I was ugly.
H.P. Saucecraft says
Asked … told … fuggeddaboudit.
Kid Dynamite says
The doctor told me I had to stop masturbating. When I asked why he said it was because he was trying to examine me
Black Celebration says
I am in love with garden furniture. I really love it.
Just putting it out there.
Beezer says
When I’m feeling down in the dumps, various regional waste disposal operatives ask me why I’m fondling goose feathers on their premises.
ivylander says
A vegan, a crosstrainer and an evangelical Christian all walked into a bar. Everyone else left.
Rigid Digit says
A man walks into a pub. At the bar are an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.
He says to the Barman
“Is this some sort of a joke”
Rigid Digit says
I was in the loft at the weekend with the wife.
Filthy dirty and covered in cobwebs – but she’s good with the kids
MC Escher says
Reminds me of one my faves which I am going to trot out again:
Policeman at door: “I’m sorry to tell you Sir, but it looks like your wife’s been in a traffic accident”
Me: “I know but she’s got a lovely personality.”
policybloke says
‘Iceberg, dead ahead!’ yelled the lookout, as the Titanic ploughed into a gigantic lettuce.
Rigid Digit says
If a French artist swapped his youghurt with a German sculptor, would that be a cultural exchange?
MC Escher says
How can you tell if you’re at a party with a vegan?
Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
JustB says
Just saw a great tweet:
*someone starts having a heart attack*
Person: Is anyone here a doctor?
Vegan: I’m a vegan.
JustB says
A man just said I’m useless at describing people. He’s got a cheek.
Rigid Digit says
Last time I was in court I was woefully let down by my barrister.
Just goes to show that the Starbucks Training Programme ain’t all its cracked up to be.
Billybob Dylan says
As part of my rehabilitation, I recently took a job at a tailor’s shop as a trouser maker.
I’m making great strides.
Malc says
Y’know, I’m pretty sure Beezer started a previous joke thread with that very gag. Still a good joke though.
Black Type says
Last year I won the Most Secretive Person Award for 2014. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me.
hubert rawlinson says
I spent last night making a multi-layered wedding cake, I managed to get it finished before I retired for the night. It was tiers before bedtime.
Rigid Digit says
I was once arrested for playing Englebert Humperdink records.
Eventually, the Police released me … they let me go
Black Celebration says
A stinking human turd shouted at me from a filthy canal saying – “heyyy! Come on in! The water’s actually lovely and clean!”.
“I don’t believe this shit!” Said a passer-by
Mousey says
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied.
“She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Black Type says
Oftentimes I make my way to the top of a hill and lay myself down, before descending the incline in a circular motion. But hey, that’s just how I roll.
Rigid Digit says
Yesterday I held a door open for a Clown.
I thought it was a nice jester
Rigid Digit says
Elvis Costello has just got a job at the McVitie’s biscuit factory as a security guard.
He’s watching the Digestives
DougieJ says
I once tried to catch Roddy Frame’s attention but he was oblivious.
Black Celebration says
I really like the PIcture of Dorian Gray. Never gets old.