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I have given up the grog.

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On Boxing Day 2021 I finished off a particularly good bottle of Amarone and stumbled up to bed. The wine had been preceded by plenty of beer and another, lesser, bottle of red. As I swayed getting undressed, Mrs. B looked scornfully at me and a ‘discussion’ ensued about my drinking. After a long while, we agreed that I needed to stop.

To be fair, stopping was something I had been thinking about for several years. I was getting concerned that, when I drank, the amount I was getting through was becoming more and more. Yes, I could go without for days – drinking days were usually confined to Friday and Saturday – but, when I retired in April 2020, those rules went out the window.

The second reason was that I am ten years older than my wife. The age difference has never bothered either of us but, as I got closer to retirement, I realised that unless I was in good health it was unlikely to be a long and happy retirement, together. She didn’t want to stop work at 53, (I retired at 63,) and besides, we couldn’t afford it anyway.

The third reason was medication. At 61, I finally put my hand up and asked for help with my terrible depression. I have suffered for over 40 years with it, attempted suicide in 1994, lied my way out of the secure unit they wanted to section me to, and had lied about my condition ever since. Very few people were aware of my condition, certainly none of them were doctors. When my best friend died suddenly, in 2018, and because he had no one, we became his next of kin. Having to sign his death certificate was the worst moment since 18th January 1994, when I took 300 paracetamol and a half bottle of brandy and lay down on the back seat of my car, in a deserted car park, in the black of night, to die.

A few months after we buried Des, we were in Birmingham, at a family do. We were staying at The Crowne Plaza and, at 2 in the morning, I found myself sitting on the edge of the bath, crying and unaware of where I was. I had lost all peripheral vision, ( a symptom I suffered in the few days before 18th Jan 1994,) and I was terrified. Mrs. B found me and we talked for hours about finally getting help. Two mornings later I was sitting in front of a GP, unable to make eye-contact, pouring my heart out. He was wonderful, put me onto a daily dose of Citalopram and got me in touch with Talking Therapies. Ten sessions later, I was much better and haven’t looked back. I didn’t stop drinking but found that alcohol lessened the effect of the drug. After 3 years, it seemed ridiculous to me that I would put my hard-won ‘sanity’ at risk for the sake of a drink.

So, on 26th December 2021, I stopped drinking.

Incredibly, it has been easier than I thought it would be. I was terrified that social interaction would be difficult without alcohol but that hasn’t been the case. Mrs. B has continued to have a glass of wine when we’re out, (I’m fine with it,) but we tend not to have alcohol at home. I’m a convert to products like Seedlip, ( a gin substitute,) 0% gins and beers – having what looks like a ‘drink’ in my hand seems to stop my temperance becoming ‘a thing’ in social situations. (Come on you wine makers, where the hell is a decent 0% wine that doesn’t taste like Ribena?)

I have put on a bit of weight – I read that alcohol suppresses my sweet tooth and I did spend the first year eating cakes and chocolate – but that seems to have stopped now. I’m determined to shed a stone or so this year.

The other thing which has helped is my studio-blog. I love doing it and it fills my days researching, walking around London taking the photos, and writing. I don’t think about alcohol except when I’m eating a steak or a great Italian meal, when the thought of a great bottle of red taps me on the shoulder. But it soon passes. It’s not like, after 50 years of drinking, I can’t remember the taste.

Anyway, I just wanted to post this in case anyone was worried about their drinking. If I can stop, trust me, anyone can.

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Comments

  1. Admitting you have a problem and knowing you are the only one who can fix it is the first step, right? Having lost my mum to the daily perils of the booze and seen the daily havoc it can wreak on the health and happiness of the drinker and all around them, a mighty congratulations and cap doff in your direction, Sir. Keep it up and good luck with losing that stone – with the determination clearly available to you somewhere in your reserve tank, you’ll have that licked in no time. Kudos….

  2. Good on you, Niall! You sound very well-adjusted. Your mentioning of the 50 years of drinking and remembering the taste puts me in mind of General Sternwood in the Big Sleep, who sits in his hothouse, savoring the sight of Bogart drinking one of his (probably) vintage whiskies. There really is something about the memory of a really good drink, often as not red wine, that is quite glorious, in and of itself.

  3. Well done. A problem is only a problem if it doesn’t have a solution and you seem to have found yours.

    I have mentioned on here before I had a drinking problem in the 80s, couple or three of pints at lunchtime and plenty more in the evening. Drunk 3 or 4 times a week and pretty skint. But decided that when I got married that would be it. So on the 21st September 1988 I had a glass of champagne and an interesting Macedonian liquor at our reception and I’ve not had a drink since. Don’t miss it anymore and its more money for records!

  4. Booze is essential. Booze is Evil. An evening with friends, the tongues loosened by a decent red is one of life’s pleasures.
    An evening where I decide “Just one more” and then start being a total arse is the complete opposite.
    I applaud you, Niallb: sometimes I wish I were that strong.
    ps your Studios Blog is a total pleasure

  5. Just to say, excellent as per.

    As I’ve said before, I gave up completely about 10 years ago, but I’d spent the few years before drinking less and less because it made my bad guts even worse. I’ve been on immunosuppressants for over 8 years, one side effect of which is effectively stage 2 kidney disease. So it doesn’t seem like a good idea to start drinking again.

    I was a regular (every evening) drinker of wine, beer when out and at weekends. I just stopped and stopped thinking about it at all after about two weeks. I stopped drinking coffee at the same time and that was much worse (and lasted longer – about 6 weeks).

    I had two glasses of fizz with my Christmas lunch, slept badly all night, and might not bother at all next Christmas.

    And, yes, live music sounds better with a pint in your hand. Adnams Ghost Ship 0.5% gets my vote.

  6. Good for you, Mr B. My favourite decision I ever made was never to get drunk again. Which meant giving up the booze altogether, as I found it so darn more-ish. First couple of years I only really missed wine with lunch or dinner, especially in restaurants. Now I don’t even miss that. Looking back, I think the drink was nice -especially the wine- but getting drunk was always a waste of precious time. True, it did make boring social events seem fun. But looking back, I think they never were, not really. At least, not as much fun as avoiding them altogether and doing something else, sober, would have been.

  7. Good for you, as I mentioned on your earlier post about same subject.

    My issues were documented here (or the other place) once. I probably drank too much for about 30 years (with the odd break). When my marriage broke up about a decade ago, I plunged into self pity and drink was part of that, propping up bars and lamenting the hand life had given me.

    I was also diagnosed with depression of the dysthymic type around same time, I never attempted suicide, but one dark evening was pretty close to throwing myself off my balcony 4 storeys up. I sought help for my drinking and ended up going to effectively a “drunk tank” in a mean part of Toronto which had beds where people crashed in the reception area. Quite an eye opener. I gave up completely for 5 months but then lapsed. I still drink now but it is well controlled, probably about 20-25% of what I used to get through. If I feel I am getting into bad habits I take time off, like I am doing this January.

  8. It’s tough. Well done Niall, and good luck everybody. I don’t think I’m really across what my relationship with alcohol is, to be honest. All the excuses I make to myself. It’s tough, yes.

    • Ditto Niall. Me too, Moose. I have no idea what my current status as a drinker is. I’m never falling-down drunk, in the sense of embarrassing myself, throwing up etc, haven’t been that way for 30 years, but I’m frequently not sober, in the sense that I shouldn’t drive or operate heavy machinery. I drink every night – never during the day – when I’m on my own in Blighty, only at weekends when I’m in Oz with the current Mrs thep (as we are now calling her).

      Does that mean I’m an alcoholic? I tell myself no, because I don’t have to drink every day; on the other hand I probably would have to if I was always on my own. In any case, I tell myself that one of my three life-threatening conditions will probably finish me off before the booze does anyway. That’s how I talk myself out of giving up altogether of course. And I do like a drink, particularly a decent malt.

      • About fifteen years ago I was doing dry January, or some extended period of voluntary abstinence, and a well-meaning but straight-talking friend saud “You know, going without drinking for a while to prove that you’re not an alcoholic… probably means that you’re an alcoholic”.

        When he said that, and every time I’ve remembered it since, I reacted thus: “Ahhhh, shit!!”

  9. Well played Niall. I haven’t given up drink but my consumption has reduced dramatically. – at least by 90%. The story from @ip33 up there is similar to mine. If you are young and. friendly and have great-laff friends at work and other friends at the weekends, you’re going to be at the pub every lunchtime and most evenings – often all the way to closing time. Keep that going into your late 20s and yes, you do end up with very little money and an ever-dwindling social circle. Many men in their 30s are past caring and become near-silent regulars at the pub, just there for the solitary boozing. I never wanted to be like that but I was certainly on that trajectory in the mid-90s.

    These days I am pretty comfortable with a couple of beers with food and no spirits at all (never really liked them anyway). Wine every now and then.

    We are having a barbecue on Saturday which I am looking forward to. The friends who are coming will arrive totally sober and some will stay that way and others may have several if they feel like it. I’ll be in the latter group, probably.

    I mention this because there is another group of people who we know who turn up to things like this completely pissed due to pre-loading and it ends messily each time. A great time for them is drinking shots, being unable to speak and passing out. Basically they get too drunk and I can see how boring I used to be when I did that kind of thing.

    • There were (are) a few guys I used to drink regularly with in Toronto. They are very nice guys, I went out with them once with me drinking only water and couldn’t believe how loud and obnoxious they were towards the end of the evening. I then realised it was a mirror and I was effectively a sober Dai seeing what a drunk Dai looked like. Not too pretty

      • Jeremy Hardy said that being the sober person in a gathering where everyone else is gradually getting drunk is “like being trapped in a Hogarth painting”.

        I’ve been in that position and it’s quite funny at first and then…. isn’t

        • I discovered that situation when I did a stint of bar work in the early ’80s.
          To be fair, the majority of people just get a bit louder and sillier as the drink takes effect. Only a minority turn into arseholes. But it’s pretty wearing to be sober and constantly in the company of pissed-up people.

    • It’s really enjoyable when you’re the drunk person in a drinking environment but as annoying as it can be when you’re the sober one

      I drink a lot albeit now doing dry Jan but it’s made me think a few times whether I’m an annoying arsehole when drunk. No one wants to be that person..
      I think going sober would completely change my social life, perspective and what I actually do at weekends. Not quite there yet but maybe one day

  10. Good on you Niall.
    I’m still working, so it’s a pint a night at home and then more (probably too much more) on a Friday and Saturday.
    If I did retire, then I believe (fear) the “much more on a Friday” would be a regular occurrence.
    One thing I have discovered in the last few years is I am unable to drink during the day – gives me indigestion and makes me nod off. A noted control measure or a warning sign?
    And the recovery / system flushing seems to take a lot longer now I’ve past 50

    Talking Therapies – bloomin’ marvellous service

  11. I often wonder how I’d cope if I HAD to stop drinking. I don’t like being drunk but I do like a beer (and it generally is A beer) and wine. The last four or five years have been extremely stressful due to a wayward sign and I found it easy to have something most nights. Not loads but something. Since Christmas I haven’t really fancied it and I’ve consciously decided to “only” have a beer and wine at the weekend. So far so good. The cost of living crisis is helping too.

  12. Fair play to you. It must have seemed like a tough decision at the time, even if in retrospect it sounds like you were ready. for all sorts of reasons.

  13. Booze, eh? Love it, in truth, but in its place. From a long legacy of drunks, the generations alternating between excess and rigid abstention, my Dad was the latter, my Ma, once he died, the latter, if only when someone to drink with. My bro a card carrying sober alkie, his term, in recovery 30 plus years, a psychiatrist who specialised in addiction. Me? Always interested in that aspect of my job, managing, or trying to, the struggles of others. But enjoy my beers, malts and wine. Once a week fine and never much over any limit, if I can help it: loathe any hangover and avoid. I’m lucky. And careful/ not over confident. I hope I can continue to straddle that line.
    But the respect I have for Niall and others is immense. Please God I am not delusional.

  14. Well good for you Niall, if you feel better for it. Hang in there. And the blog is a wonderful thing so keep it up!

    I have a funny relationship with booze. When I did my industrial year as part of my degree the department I was in were serious drinkers, and we were on the lash every lunchtime and after work, and whilst I joined in quite happily once I got a full time job I swore off daytime drinking pretty much for ever. I might have a beer once in a blue moon but I don’t really want it. I do like a drink in the evening though, and depending, usually, on stress levels drives how much/often. After my dad died I was blotto every night, self medicating really. For a long while I dealt with work stress with a few glasses of red of an evening – not to get plastered, but just to take the edge off. But for the past 5 years or so we’ve tried to have Monday – Thursday as grog free and only really Friday/Saturday might be a little excessive…me that is. Mrs. T is naturally quite restrained anyway. Also I find I can’t drink beer any more – well, I can, and love it, but 2 pints and I feel like a waterbed and just don’t want any more. So I feel, after a lifetime of happily boozing to a greate for lesser extent, like I’ve drifted into relative moderation. I can still cheerfully lay into a bottle of red (I like the lighter 12.5% french stuff not yer 14.5% Shiraz) but it’s the exception rather than the rule.

    I also recognise that, rather inconveniently, I do feel great on Thursday after 3 AFDs. I haven’t quite gone the whole hog and carried it through the weekend though. I mean, it’s Friday night, right? You have to have a drink. Don’t you? Hmmm.

  15. A frivolous and disgraceful comment arises: with all the talk/nostalgia of/for reviving a London Mingle, surely a controlled trial is needed. Half the room on the grog, half not? Or does that become a problem, and is it an all dry mingle in unlicensed, or a wet one in a pub, as per. Which might put off the non-indulgers. There is a germ of a sensible question in this musing.

  16. I’m doing dry January as i have for more than 35 years at this stage. My late father was a textbook alcoholic so I’ve always looked at it as a test, to see whether I struggle without it. I can’t recall ever lapsing or feeling withdrawals even in my rock’n’roll London years when I drank heavily more evenings than not. Around 15 years ago I was drinking every day having got into habitually using it to destress after a tough day. Medical advice regarding possible liver damage led me to clean up my act and I only drink at weekends now and almost never to excess – hangovers are rare. I also discovered whiskey late in life – my father’s toxic response to whiskey probably turned me off it. I might have one or two whiskeys a weekend as dessert after a feed of beers. The thing is I really enjoy drinking these days, probably more than I ever have – pints of Guinness in a Dublin pub with my friends, a few small Budvars watching football on the TV with a guitar on my lap or the shot of whiskey to finish off. As long as my health isn’t affected I think I’ll continue with my 11 months of guilt free drinking and enjoy it in moderation.

    Regarding the alcoholic or not debate, a lecturer who specialised in working with addicts (I’m a social worker) said it was not a useful conversation to have with service users. Even if you and your client agreed that they were alcoholic, other than a label with negative connotations, it should not be the focus of work. He said it was more useful to try to identify and work on problems caused by or linked to the drinking for the drinker or their families or colleagues. He said that an Irish definition of an alcoholic was “someone who drinks more than his GP”. Mine is a practising Muslim so I think I’m okay.

  17. Good on you.

    I stopped around 2 1/2 years ago. 22nd August to be precise. Realised if I kept going then my kids would be old enough to see their Dad drunk and know what was going on. Hangovers and associated anxiety becoming crippling as well.

    One particular incident brought everything to a head and stopped after that.

  19. Good for you Niall and glad to hear that you are better for it.

    I have never been a very big drinker (especially since moving to Singapore where it’s too hot and too expensive) but I do still enjoy. I generally only drink at weekends and that is usually only wine with a meal and maybe a whisky later in the evening. I have found that these days I drink less, but drink much better quality – more expensive wines and whisky’s. Part of that is that I have a circle of friends that appreciate good wine and we meet up to sample etc etc. I can’t remember the last time I was properly drunk (at least 20 years ago).

    I also find it interesting the attitude of the younger generation to alcohol – I have two boys aged 19 and 21 and they hardly ever drink. Of course they went through the ordering a beer in the pub at 18, but since then it’s only very occasionally – even down to forgoing wine with dinner etc.

  20. The hangover is a much under discussed aspect of alcohol I think
    It’s the one thing that stops me becoming an alcoholic. I just feel too rubbish till eventually it forces me back into a level of moderation.

    All the people I know who drink too much don’t get hangovers. I was envious at one point but it might be a blessing in disguise.

    I admire immensely those who drank a lot and give up successfully. The willpower and drive to do this is not to be underestimated as let’s face it, if drinking wasn’t enjoyable no one would do it..

    so 👏 to you Niall

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