That jolly green giant Spotify is trying to lure streaming refuseniks with a campaign emphasising how your 80s favourite tracks are just a click away after all these years. So we have:
Simple Minds haven’t forgotten about you
Phil Collins wants one more night
And so on
I cant help but feel them have missed a trick here and we could broaden this 80s appeal with a few witty spins of our own.
Foetus is still bothered by what you’ve got on your breath
Crass still want to know how it felt to be the mother of a thousand dead
Chuck’s ding-a-ling is still waiting for you to play with it.
I’m sure we can help them out here.
You can still smack the Prodigy’s bitch up.
That’d look smashing on the side of a 50 going up Kings Heath High Street.
Paul Young still needs the love of the common people, so why do you no parlez?
Iron Maiden still invite daughters to be brought to the slaughter
You can set your love apart with Joy Division again
Joy Division Still.
Pete Sinfield’s still Still.
Stephen’s still Stills but Neil’s no longer young.
But Neil is still searching for a heart of gold whilst he is getting old
Ministry still want to ding a ding dang your dang a long ling long
Hear if The Jam really do make the best surrender
The Kinks are still waiting to be set free
Are they still The Village Green Preservation Society?
…and we’ve still really got ’em
Lola’s undergoing gender reassignment.
May I ask? What gender is Lola?
– Confused from Warrington.
Travis still want to know why it always rains on them
It’s because they’re an absolute shower.
Nick Lowe continues to ask just what is so funny about peace, love and understanding
The Dead Kennedys are going to kill the poor when they’ve returned from their holiday in Cambodia
Billie Jean is still not Michael Jackson’s lover. Er….
Half Man Half Biscuit still hate Nerys Hughes
Prince still wants to party like it’s 1999, Bowie wants you to tremble like a flower and poor Whitney still wants to dance with somebody who loves her.
Suede are still the pigs.
Genesis still want them out by Friday
….and that shitter with the pout is still putting it about
Simon & Garfunkel would still like to know a little bit about you for their files
Paul Simon’s still crazy. After all these years.
I am and you all are and Gong too are still crazy.
Frank Zappa’s guitar still wants to kill your mama.
Marvin Gaye’s still wondering what’s going on.
The sins that Jesus died for are still not Patti Smith’s.
Jake Thackray still loves a good bum on a woman
Anal Cunt are still sneaking retards into the sperm bank
PUT THAT ON A BUS, EVIL SWEDISH CORPORATE RIP OFF MERCHANTS!
Dirk hasn’t changed those sox.
Can you see the real Who?
Martin Stephenson still can’t get a Boat to Bolivia
You’re Still The One For Morrissey, Fatty
Jim Morrison wants his fire lit
The Lurkers still ain’t got a clue
You can still find Jona Lewie in the kitchen at parties
Nickleback are still sh*t
Gordon is still a moron
There are still potholes in De La Soul’s lawn
The Beta Band’s rain still isn’t dry
Abba still do. They do. They do. They do. They do.
Don’t Marry Her, Fuck The Beautiful South
The Bugger in the Short Sleeves Has Still Fucked John Cale’s Wife
This is most unfortunate. This is exactly what Spotty/ their agency(!) wants. I think the collective will of the Afterword should frustrate the buggers.
U2 still haven’t found what they’re looking for
“Is it me?”, asks Lionel Ritchie.
If your love can no longer come in spurts, Spotify can still fill your Voidoids.
…. and 2 Live Crew still want you Face Down, Ass Up.
Roxy Music blew up your body. You can now blow their minds
Hayzee Fantayzee still think John Wayne has big leggies
Kid Creole and the Coconuts are still asserting that the biological father of Annie is not in fact Kid Creole
Shakin’ Stevens is still wondering why it is you were wanting to make those eyes at him for.
This is easy.
But Shaking Stevens still does not have time to fix the shingles, or any time to fix the floor
Did you know that This Ole House is about someone finding the body of a dead man in an old house? He imagines that the deceased man was killed by the frustration of not being able to keep up with the maintenance. It’s not exactly “she loves you yeah yeah yeah” is it? Bleak!
A jolly little rock’n’roll song about death and the threat of suicide. Hurrah!
Shakin’ Stevens is still outside the Green Door.
Where that VERY old piano is playing at least mildly lukewarm.
Further, Coati Mundi is very insistent after all these years that he is no Pop I. You’d better hear him ou-ou-outttt!
Fun Boy Three and Banarama are still saying that it isn’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it.
Slade are still declaring to their mother that they’re still just as crazee now as they were then.
Nik Fiend still lives in Siberia through no fault of his own.