Whenever I stay away with friends or family and despite always having some with me, I always use their toothpaste! Hee and hee!
Time to fess up, people. What other mad, bad and dangerous transgressions do you indulge in?
Guilty Secrets
by 81 Comments
Go on, you’ll feel better …
When encountering the English abroad, I pretend to be German to avoid conversing with them.
This plan failed in Durness(*) recently when a fat slaphead in a replica England football kit swigging from a can of lager shouted “He*l H*tler!” at me, and I had to hide in a toilet cubicle.
(*) Durness is in Scotland, so qualifies as ‘abroad’.
@fentonsteve
I’ve warned you several times that your insistence on sporting a toothbrush moustache and cowlick hairstyle would get you into trouble, F
I’m tall and slim and blue-eyed, so a reasonably good fit for the master race, but a Ginger ‘tache would be grounds for instant divorce according to Mrs F.
I listened to Boney M’s “Rasputin” the other day on a compilation and enjoyed it.
oh those Russians…….
“There lived a certain man in Russia long ago
He was big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow
Most people look at him with terror and with fear
But to Moscow chicks he was such a lovely dear”
“…such a lovely dear” – tremendous!
I learnt everything I know about Russian history from pop music – from Rasputin, to Trotsky and his ice pick (that made his ears burn) to Lenin being on sale again in 1971.
Moscow girls make me sing and shout…
With some of the gaps filled by We Didn’t Start The Fire
Whenever I have people stay over, I always do unspeakable things with the toothpaste and keep my personal tube out of sight in the cupboard.
You and Lodestone are *friends*??
No one can truly befriend Lodes. I like to think of him as a ‘people’.
Friends with Mr Swotty-I’m-Really-Good-At-Wordle? Ignores me like I’m not even there, which I’m not.
I like Earl Grey tea and I “pilfer” a few teabags every time I get an opportunity to do so. I use one and pocket 3 or 4. I’m talking about the packaged single teabags you get in hotels and buffet breakfasts. My haul keeps me in tea at my workplace.
I snaffle little packets of black pepper.
My MIL used to do the same with the little bags of sugar. When she died, she had a whole kitchen drawer full of them. She didn’t even take sugar in her coffee.
I rob banks
You’re my daddy!
My mate has the BEST nail clippers so every time I go to stay I use them to cut my toe nails.
Using someone else’s toenail clippers without prior permission is most definitely something to feel guilty about.
Unless his mate then sniffs Twang’s toenail clippings on the quiet…
He smokes them.
Far out man
I like the feeling of a freshly-filled dog poo bag. Warm and (sometimes) squelchy.
Is that from the first draft of a Beefheart song?
yes, “Dog Poo Wrangler”
It was Dog PooP Wrangler, actually.
I like to use dental floss on my teeth and then sniff it.
I’ve been known to use the disabled toilet in a crisis. However, I havent stooped to putting on a limp on exit.
Over here in Blighty, the charity Crohn’s & Colitis UK had a campaign asking providers of disabled toilets (local councils, venues, etc) to put up “Not every disability is visible” signs on the door. It all came about after an audience member with a stoma was repremanded by theatre staff for using the disabled loo.
I have a RADAR (disabled toilet) key, which cost me about a fiver, and a “can’t wait” card (provided by C&C UK) to flash in shops which only have a staff toilet. I had to flash my card at a petrol station on the A1 recently when the customer loo was “closed due to flooding” (one urinal was blocked).
Found it! I put toilet-related gubbins on my FB, so here you go. Correction: abused by audience, not by staff.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leicestershire-48309942
My wife is currently invalid after a huge operation some years ago. She can’t walk very far and uses a stick. Registered Disabled. She’s grateful for the proliferation of Disabled toilets. She has a radar key.
If you know me on social media you’ll be familiar with my bleating earlier this year when I damaged my back. Herniation of the L4 disk and nerve trapped somewhere in the left SI joint.
It’s quite the knock I’ve given myself and is taking a while to resolve. For the moment I can’t walk very far either and use either a walking pole or my wife’s spare walking stick to get about. I’m not disabled though.
I have often used a disabled toilet lately and though sore and stiff I’m acutely aware I will be fine in due course. On exiting said facility I make a point of tapping my stick loudly, wincing and whispering ‘oh dearie me’ or something.
I’m a cad.
To be clear,I’m not using them for a larf because I need to use a walking stick. My need is genuine if temporary compared to a truly disabled person.
I’m sorry I started this thread, a never-ending tale of Old Men And Their Ailments. I remember the old days when here there was a flow of young people, (gasp) even members of the opposite sex and we were all cool and groovy. (There’s a chance my memory may be Wrong).
Oh, don’t worry. I look like George Clooney. I keep telling everyone.
ImagIne Ocean’s Eleven era George emerging from the disabled toilet at an M&S. With a lumbar herniation. That’s me.
You have nothing to apologise for. I’m not registered disabled, either, and I look fit and healthy*. But when a man needs to go…
(*) from the outside. I was awake during my most recent colonoscopy, and, well, whoever did this bit at the start of Doctor Who must have had one.
Ooch! That’s a double-ooch!
I hope all is well.
“Try to relax”, they tell you.
“You try relaxing when someone is unrolling a camera from a cable drum behind you and shoving it where the sun don’t shine…” I thought last time.
“Gas and air is next to useless” was my other thought.
You have to smile…
I had Fentanyl and a bit of sedative but was awake this time. I couldn’t drive myself home. I’m not good at opioids, I’ll never make a junkie.
Had fentanyl once – absolutely understand why one (and the rest of The Rust Belt) could get addicted. Pure happiness. Should be banned forever and ever and ever….
I’d be a rubbish addict, I once got cold turkey after taking Tramadol.
Knee op two years ago. Much pain.
“Morphine?”
“Yes, please.”
10 minutes later I vomited all over the nurse’s shoes….
Those bass saxophone drones can do horrors to the diaphragm…
Wafer thin, or sliced…? Waitrose deli, or Lidl pre-packed.
Cold turkey has got me with the runs.
When Waitrose offered Customers with a Waitrose Card free coffee on their visit, I regularly had TWO cups
They were none the wiser, and I had the feeling of “getting one over The (Middle Class) Man”
What was life like on the cutting edge as you walked through Waitrose singing Born To Be Wild? Kudos.
Next he’ll be saying he has, on occasion, walked round Ikea the wrong way.
It’ll end in tears, I tell you.
I’ve done that too – I’m a Rebel me.
Also been known to go to the 10 Items or less till with 12 items in my basket
I refuse to use the 10 items or less till until they rename it 10 items or fewer.
My hero.
A woman had a go at a chum of mine because she believed his bunch of bananas took him over the 10-item threshold. That sounded far more like a euphemism than it was meant to.
My (domestic) guilty secret is that I’m very partial to Stagg’s chilli. I wouldn’t dream of cracking open a can when Mrs thep is around though – the disapproval would be bruising.
Some years back I stumbled across a Fray Bentos tin pie in a tiny French village. I bought it. It was utterly, utterly disgusting. I’m thinking I spent my student days stoned out of my miniscule mind . …
Campbell’s meatballs in tomato sauce. Sensational.
I used to love Fray Bentos pies in my student days, but I found a lump of fat lurking in one that looked exactly like a human ear.
The ear is mainly gristle, so it probably wasn’t. It could have been an unfeasibly large lobe, mind, as favoured by older men.
(*makes Homer Simpson droolface*)
Mmmmm.. gristle..
Boil-in-the-bag kippers and tomato ketchup in sandwiches.
Yum.
Heinz has just launched canned spaghetti carbonara.
With Christmas starting (soon – V. possibly as early as next Monday), tinned Christmas dinners will surely be soon be jostling for our attention on supermarket shelves)
Christmas alas has already started, displays in a few shops, charity cards in charity shops.
Every charity shop in the Brighton & Hove area (and believe me, we’ve been to every one) is as we speak selling Christmas Cards. In France, Christmas starts on the 22nd December.
Is there any other sort of kipper?
Well fortuitously this popped up in my memories today.
My answer to bananas in pyjamas, kippers in slippers not alas a success.
I have Celiac disease, it’s a wretched, debilitating condition that I would not wish on anyone. HOWEVER…I use it to get out of all sorts of things I don’t want to do ranging from attending a local BBQ to accompanying some friends to Cambodia. I hate having it but when it suits me I’m like Guy Pearce in Memento, “Have I told you about my condition?”
I use Crohn’s to my advantage, too. Work stopped asking me to go abroad, for starters. Ditto BBQs and other similar events (Mrs F’s works Xmas party, etc).
There has to be an upside to a chronic condition, however slight.
To go off on a slight tangent as one does.
This woman is concerned about her husband and what she imagines is his guilty secret.
Drinking tap water that comes from the storage tank in your loft (as opposed to that which comes straight from the water main) is actually potentially dangerous to your health. Bacteria, innit.
That’s why it’s a legal requirement for at least one tap in any dwelling to be mains water.
I do hope that mixing breakfast cereals is safe, because I often do that. And shockingly, I don’t usually eat them at breakfast time, either.
I found a dead pigeon floating in my mum’s loft water tank. No wonder it tasted funny when I brushed my teeth.
Feathers are well known to be less effective than 1. a finger, 2. a towel or3. a toothbrush
Often I dont bother with a pyjama top. Especially if the evening wear is soft and capacious. I mean why get out of something warm to get into something cold when you want to be warm and snug?
I wear pyjama pants of course because that would be just weird.
Bizarrely I wear a top but no bottoms. Perhaps it’s a northern hemisphere / southern hemisphere thing. (As in my southern hemisphere remains al fresco).
Pyjamas are surely a thing for kids
Kip naked or with your pants on is the new normal.
I do find that when I’ve had to sleep in pyjamas I’ve found them tightly twisting and turning round the body like a nocturnal boa constrictor.
A la Marilyn I’ll wear a few drops of Chanel No 5.
I don’t wear jimjams. At least not for sleeping in.
Are you like the woman who I saw yesterday walking into the supermarket in slippers jiggly pim-pams and a dressing gown?
He’s not “like”, he is..
Americans all wear their underwear in bed, the same one worn all day and kept on the next.
No wonder ..
That’s nothing – I have friends who work for the British Antarctic Survey who go days – weeks – with the same undercrackers on.
Monday: forwards.
Tuesday: back to front.
Wednesday: inside out, forwards.
Thursday: inside out, back to front.
Repeat until dirty.
Not much chance of sweaty bits at 40 degrees below.
I hope they have bidets.
Hush you’ll waken the bidet.