You must have heard plenty of heckles over your years of gig, comedy etc going.
Maybe not great but I was told off by the act in question for silent heckling.
Waiting for Roy Harper, sat at the front on the floor I decided the support act wasn’t for me so turning my back and using the stage lights I proceeded to carry on reading my book.
Some time later I realised I was being berated from onstage by the act. Other people hadn’t enjoyed his act but I got it in the neck for reading whilst he was playing.
You must have heard plenty, why not share ’em and any snappy comebacks.
Great heckles of our time
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Quite probably apocryphal but the opening night of the stage adaptation of The Diary Of Anne Frank. Pia Zadora in the lead role, was absolutely awful. Audience clearly tired of her. At the end, when Nazis appeared stage left, someone called out “She’s in the attic!”
Too too spooky, this; I’ve only just seen your post, just after 1.00am Saturday, but this well-known / much-loved anecdote had actually popped into my head on Friday afternoon for absolutely no discernable reason whatsoever. At the time, I thought it was weird that it’d done so; now, I think it’s REALLY weird.
PS having now read the rest of the thread, I feel I oughtta say that, on the balance of probabilities, this is probably apocryphal.
I once saw Allen Toussaint play a free solo concert in the Library of Congress in DC. About a third of the way through, a couple tried to slip out between songs. He stopped his onstage patter, graciously called out to them, asked them to come up onto the stage, and with great ceremony presented them with t-shirts to honor them as the first people to leave. No one else left.
There is a comeback to the guy who barracked you from the stage, from Bernard Manning’s audience of all places. Manning had a go at someone who was talking during his show and got told, ‘Sorry mate, I was waiting for the comedian to come on.’
Again, not sure of its truth but Kirk Douglas’ other son was trying his hand at stand up
“Douglas entered British comedy folklore when, during a stand-up performance at The Comedy Store, London, he was angered by the audience’s reaction to his stand-up routine and shouted “You can’t do this to me, I’m Kirk Douglas’s son!” A member of the audience stood up and shouted “No, I’m Kirk Douglas’ son,” referring to the iconic “I’m Spartacus” scene of the 1960 film starring Kirk Douglas. This ended up with the majority of the audience standing up and repeating the line.”
One of the classics is Mike & Bernie Winters performing in Glasgow… their routine was for Mike would come on first and sing a few songs and tell a few gags before being joined by Bernie for the rest of the performance. On this night the audience is especially stone-faced and obviously not enjoying Mike’s opening numbers, at which point Bernie comes on stage, to a call from the audience, “Oh fucking hell, there’s two of them…”
Likewise Roy Castle failing to impress a Glasgow crowd, and getting more and more desperate in his attempts. By the end of his set he was, let’s say, playing a trumpet with one hand, juggling with the other while tap dancing on top of a unicycle. Still stony silence from the crowd, until a lone voice from the stalls drawled, ‘Is thurr nae fuckin’ end to your talent?’
Dedication’s what yer need….
Judas!!
Play the trumpet fookin loud!
No great wit or repartee to this one but I was in London for work staying in Mayfair, work paying obvs. I went to a wine bar round the corner and realised the woman singing was Dana Gillespie. From memory I was the only one paying much attention to the performance which was rally perfunctory. “Come on Dana how about trying a bit ” I said quietly or something like that. Blimey ,if looks could kill. Can’t recall the performance getting any better.
Blind guy to comedian* : “Yer rubbish! Get off!” …. pause…. “has he gone yet?”
*it’s in Frank Skinner’s autobiography but possibly apocryphal.
At the premiere of Otto Preminger’s Exodus (a bum-numbing three and a half hour epic) a famous Jewish comedian (though not so famous that I can recall his name) stood up and exclaimed “Set my people free!”.
I went to see Stephen Duffy at the Leadmill in Sheffield and towards the end of the set the place started filling up with clubbers for the indie club afterwards. There was a bit too much chatting from the back which was distracting from Duffy’s acoustic numbers, so after a couple of pleas for some quiet fell flat, Duffy started strumming his guitar and singing a song that I don’t think appears on any of his albums, entitled “You’re wankers at the back”!
Mid 70’s, Guildford Civic Hall, Chapman Whitney Streetwalkers, supported by Hackensack, who boasted the generously proportioned Nicky Moore as their lead singer.
I was enjoying Hackensack but became aware of 2 women, a couple of rows in front of me, who were berating Nicky during each song. Finally, he stopped the band, mid-song, and asked what they wanted. They yelled back that he was a fat b*****d, and couldn’t f*****g sing anyway.
He bent forward, beneath the lights, looked at them for a few seconds, and said quietly into the microphone,
“Ladies, if it’s true that beauty is only skin deep, then you two must have been born inside out.”
He then counted “2,3,4” and the band picked up where they’d left off.
Class.
Did they try heckling Chappo? That would be taking your life in your hands. If anyone actually heard you.
Indeed! (as you know)
Aberdeen Lemon Tree, 2005sh, Roger Chapman & the Shortlist.
Four or five songs in, Chappo’s on fire…. pause for a towel rubdown. Fuckwit in front of me:
“Play some family stuff, Roger”
“Fuck off”
Some laughter, well actually lotsa laughter, short pause….
“Belated happy birthday Roger…”
“You can still fuck off”
Mark Lamar (I think) said he once saw a comic who was going down very badly until he was finished off entirely by more-in-sorrow-than-in-anger heckler calmly ask, ‘What do you want?‘
The best heckle I ever heard was, believe it or not, at a biochemistry lecture.
“Biochemically speaking,” the lecturer opined, “the pig is our nearest relative.”
“You speak for your own family.”
Possibly apocryphal but when I was a student in Glasgow a lecturer told a story about a chemistry lecture.
“Two negatives make a positive. A positive and negative makes for a negative but two positives never make a negative.”
“Aye, right” came the response.
I never tire the one about Bonio: “Every time (clap clap clap) oi clap moi hands (clap clap clap) a choild (clap clap clap) in Africa dies”
Man in audience: “Well, stop fucking clapping then!”
🙂
Again perhaps apocryphal but:
Bono, in full Messiah mode, snapping his fingers, declaims
“Every time I click my fingers, a child dies in Africa”.
“Well stop f**kin doin it then!” shouts a lone voice
Pomposity duly pricked.
(Beten to the punchline by Retropath! Great minds etc)
A bit of “sledging”: Glen McGrath asked batsman Eddo Brandes “why are you so fat?” to which Brandes repsonded “because every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”
When I heard the story it was Rodney Marsh speaking to Mike Gatting.
I looked at a few websites and they said McGrath & Brandes. And if I read it on the internet it must be true, right?
It was McGrath. His wife had either just been diagnosed with, or possibly died from, cancer so Pigeon was a bit sensitive at the time.
during an Ashes match Shane Warne was standing at the boundary next the pavilion when Tuffers came to bat at No11.
“oi Tuffers lend us your brain, I’m building an idiot” came from our colonial friend
Warne’s not bright enough to have come up with that – he very rarely fielded on the boundary as he was too fat to run after the ball (certainly early in his career). It was a voice from the crowd when England were bowling – The Cat was fielding on the boundary at the time.
Maybe not but he was bright enough to shag Liz Hurley!
Only after a crash diet, thousands spent at the dentist, an industrial vat of botox and a tankerful of fake tan…
Any more like a showroom dummy and he would have been pictured on a Kraftwerk single sleeve.
Kirk Douglas son Eric doing stand up at The Comedy Store and dying on his arse.
He shouts at the audience: Do you know who I am? I’m Kirk Douglas’s son
Audience member stands up andvsays: No, I’m Kirk Douglas’s son.
Then another says it, then another …
(Heard so often, don’t know if it’s true, or an urban myth)
It must be true, I’ve heard it twice today 😉
(note to self: always properly read the entire thread before posting)
“I’m Rigid Digit”…”No, I’m Rigid Digit” etc
Between The Who’s final number (Won’t Get Fooled Again) and the expected encore, the band leave the stage. The crowd stomp and clap for more, but, lo, who is the lone voice at the back of the Hammersmith Odeon stalls shouting, ‘Rubbish! Get Off!’ ? None other than Keith Moon in a crash helmet with a concerned minder counting the menacing looks coming Moon’s way….five minutes later he’s back on stage for a rip roaring said encore.
Sounds apocryphal to me as The Who didn’t do encores in those days. Possibly still don’t but I haven’t seen them for many, many years, so couldn’t say.
Last time I saw them Keith Moon didn’t even show up! Lazy sod.
Before an England game, Alf Ramsey said to Rodney Marsh:
“If you don’t work hard in the first half, I’ll pull you off at half time”
Rodney’s reply: “OK, all we get at Manchester City is a cup of tea and an orange”
That was the last time he played for England
Don’t know if it’s true or not but I like it.
Solo guitarist was playing away but kept breaking his top string.
After losing two or three he said to the audience,
“I’m sorry I’ll just have to carry on with 5 strings.”
“I paid for 6 so I want 6.” came a voice from the darkness.
“Cheeky bastard.”
“Mr Cheeky Bastard to you.”
I was pleased and privileged to be on stage next to a guitarist who, at a pub gig, was asked by a fellow chatting at the bar if he could move his amplifier as it was interfering with his conversation. “I can move it all the way back to my fucking house if you like”.
A heckler at a Steve Coogan show shouted something boozy and unintelligible. Coogan’s put down was very well done – a short speech on how, when he talks about the show with his friends – he will bring up the heckle – and then there will be an uncomfortable silence.
Drunken oaf yells something unintelligible at Richard Hawley.
“Other singers get flowers, I just get fuckin’ vegetables”
Not one of the great heckles, but the circs made it special. I was at Arsenal/Spurs at Highbury, North Bank. David Ginola got the ball and set off sashaying elegantly up the left wing towards us – until he stepped on the ball and fell flat on his face.
Inevitably there was a huge roar, followed by one of those odd silences you sometimes get. Into the silence came this lone voice from somewhere in front of me: “You great French poof!”
Even bigger roar.
Not exactly a heckle, but one of the most amusing chants I’ve heard, I had to smile, even if it was against one of our players.
In the days when Wayne Rooney played for us (and I’m one of the minority who don’t want him back BTW) we had an early season game at Arsenal.
Wayne hadn’t worked his way to full match fitness, shall we say. A chant started from Arsenal fans “Green salad for Rooney”.
Don’t remember whether at Goodison or elsewhere, but there was a similar cruel chant at Neville Southall: Neville, Neville, give us a chin!
Non-league game, Woking v Whyteleafe – we are behind the goal. A free kick at the edge of the penalty area is given. The ball is placed, everyone gets ready. My friend’s cheeky chappie 11 year old brother shouts ” Goalkeeper! yer laces are undone!”. The keeper *actually looked down to check* as the ball was struck and it sailed softly into the net. It was like something from The Beano.
“Richard Thompson, Richard Thompson, who the fuck is Richard Thompson?” chant from Pogues fans at gig mid 80’s somewhere in England. Anyone here that was there?
Sounds like it comes from a list of Afterword Terrace Chants.
You’re Only Here For Stacia
Who’s the bastard in the spandex?
Who played all the old? Who played all the old?
etc.
I don’t know why this has hit the spot, but this is the funniest thread I’ve read for ages. More please!
A couple more from me.
Taking part in a Spencer Tunick nude photo shoot in Gateshead early in the morning, some young people had got up to visit the proceedings. I couldn’t hear what they were shouting, then someone from the naked group shouted out to them ‘ Show us yer tits’ Collapse of nude party.
Fairport back in the early nineties late eighties used to host a ceilidh at the end of the Cropredy festival on the Sunday evening. I think it’s possible they had imbibed rather freely but the evening wasn’t one of their best. A friend walked up to the front looked Dave Pegg in the eye ‘ F*ckin rubbish Dave’ and walked off.
There was a one man band on as support next to me were two women wearing t-shirts celebrating this person. ‘ Excuse me, is he supposed to be good?’ I enquired.
Politeness is everything.
If you did Sea of Hull then I may have spent Tuesday afternoon at the Ferens looking at your doodle.
The strangest heckle I ever heard was the crowd in the Laker stand at the Oval having a go at Pakistan fielder caller Aamir. He was young, on his debut i think, and had done nothing wrong, in fact he was smiley and polite despite the inevitable attempts to out him off his game.
So the crowd had to think of something to haze young Aamir. Eventually the chant went up, to the tune of Guantanamera:
First in the phone book
Your name is first in the phone book…
That has made my day. I’m actually sitting in the pub on my own, and people are looking at me funny because I’m laughing so hard! Brilliant.
At a Mogwai gig in Liverpool, during the really quiet part of ‘Mogwai Fear Satan’, just before it very, very suddenly gets very, very loud, I heard a Scouse wit shout “I’m scared!”
Apocryphal but wonderful.
In an Oxford university debate, one of the speakers commented: “My opponent is what Dr Spooner would have called a shining wit.”
As with many of these, it may be apocryphal, but at a local Northern Ireland football match in the 1970’s the following exchange apparently took place between a fan and Billy Caskey, a Glentoran FC legend, as he prepared to take a corner:
Fan: CASKEY!
Fan: CASKEY!!
Fan: CAASKEEY!!!
Fan: CAAASSKEEEY!!!!
Caskey: WHAT?
Fan: I’M BANGIN’ YOUR WIFE!
Fantastic.
Genesis performing The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway at the Liverpool Empire in 1975. Gabriel comes out in his Slipperman outfit. A wag in the audience shouts out…CYRIL SMITH!
Marillion early in their career reach a pause in another epic number. A wag in the audience shouts out, ‘A flower?’
That’s our Hitler!
Just saw this on Twitter attributed to Martina Navratilova
Male sportswriter: “Are you still a lesbian?”
Navratilova: “Are you still the alternative?”
Couple of football ones.
A week or so after Delia Smith’s famous let’s have you drunken rant Norwich were playing Chelsea in a cup match. The Chelsea fans were singing ‘we’ve got Abramovich you’ve got a drunken bitch’.
The Norwich fans were quick to retort ‘We’ve got a super cook, you’ve got a Russian crook’.
A few years back I was at Oakwell to watch second leg of playoff between Birmingham and Barnsley. We had been comprehensively thumped 4-0 in the first leg and the second game was a formality for Barnsley. The second became something of a party atmosphere for them as they realised they were headed for Wembley. A streaker ran on the pitch from their end and paraded in front of the Birmingham fans. We could be kind a say that the cold night air had shrunken his manhood but no the Birmingham fans chanted ‘what the fucking hell is that?’
A pre match speech by Frank Worthington at a Birmingham vs Huddersfield game. He recalled his time playing for Leicester at Anfield. Approaching half time with the score 0-0 Keith Weller floated a cross over to him, he received the ball, nutmegged Tommy Smith and slid ball into the net.0-1.
As the players lined up for the restart Tommy Smith came over to Worthy and said ‘you do that again son and I am gonna break your leg’. Worthington appealed to the ref – ‘did you hear that ref?’. Yes I did said the ref but you can fight your own battles.
Probably apocryphal, and certainly psychiatrically suspect, but when Scottish goalkeeper Andy Goram admitted to suffering mild schizophrenia, at his next match the crowd chanted “there’s only two Andy Gorams”.
In the 86 World Cup, when Gary Stevens of Spurs came on as a sub, joining on the pitch Gary Stevens of Everton, England fans, less wittily but factually on the money, chanted “There’s only two Gary Stevens”.
One up on that: We Smoggies were partial to a chorus of ‘There’s only three Deanos’ when we had Dean Gordon, Dean Glover and Brian Deane in the side.
Names and teams escape me but a Scottish league game and the striker went down with a head injury. He got a bit of concussion and the team doctor reported back to the manager that after looking at him he wasn’t to good and he couldn’t even remember his name.
“We’ll tell him he’s Pele and get him back on.” came the caring reply
John Lambie was the manager at Partick.
Possibly apocryphal but Dolly Parton was in Durham doing her Books for Impoverished Children charity thing. She told her familiar tale of childhood poverty and the coat of many colours sewn from rags. “You were lucky!” came a voice from the audience.
My Dad visited Dachau in 1994. When the tour bus came to disembark, there was a bit of a crush at the door and the tour guide had to be pretty firm with his charges, at one point shouting, “You vill all move BACK!”
An American tourist at the back said, “Gee, these trips are really authentic!”
Not a heckle, but that reminded me of a great Walther Matthau story…
Matthau is on a remembrance tour of German concentration camps, but wants to see Auschwitz quietly by himself, rather than with a coachload of fellow travellers, so asks his hotel to organise an early taxi for the next morning.
Come the morning, Matthau’s waiting in reception for the taxi, and waiting and waiting, and it doesn’t arrive. Eventually he goes to reception and asks where the cab is. The receptionist says, “Oh I’m so sorry Mr. Matthau, we forgot to book it, I’ll call them now and I’m sure they’ll be here shortly…”
“Well all right,” says Matthau, “but I hope you realise that you’ve ruined Auschwitz for me…”
In the mid 2000,s many a less than svelte goalkeeper was met with the Chorus of “I predict a diet” to the tune of the Kaiser Chiefs hit.
I recall Nick Hancock, a celebrity Stoke fan, talking about when his team played Norwich in the 90s. Ian Crook was about to take a throw-in for Norwich, when a Stoke fan stood up and shouted, “Crook! You’re a…crook!” Apparently, he then sat down looking quite pleased with himself, despite the fact that everyone around him thought this was bellendery of the highest order.
I was at a Nick Cave solo gig when he was sporting his very questionable ‘tache. In between songs someone requested ‘Ace of Spades’ to which Mr Cave responded with ‘Ah you’re a funny See Yoo Enn Tee. No hang on, you are just a See Yoo Enn Tee’ (obviously made a bit less sweary for you there)
Shaved it though, dinnee?
The moral : HECKLING WORKS.
Ipswich Town full back Fabian Wilnis’s deceptively casual style once enraged a crowd member at Portman Road so much that he was moved to essay a lung-busting “Wilnis? Wilnis!! Get orn with ‘at – ‘as loike yor browsen’ rouwnd Millets!” mid-half.