I may have a problem with alcohol.
*whew* OK that felt big.
Ver wife is away hiking again. I’ve had a shit day at work, lapsed into drinking, and then posted a bunch of music videos on my Fbook page. Predominantly this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfMcz34ReFg&t=1632s
Not the first time I’ve done that. When she was away hiking the PCT (a LONG time, fact fans) this happened more than once.
Those of us with memories might remember some of my postings when she was away last year, especially about Scott Hutchison.
I find it SO much easier to…feel my emotions after a drink or two. Or three. I don’t compartmentalize, and I feel freer, and I can talk more about things that touch me or feel personal. When I show up at work, or when I speak to anyone other than my wife, I feel I putting up a HUGE shield. Wit, sarcasm, the usual weapons to deflect the arch sentimentalism that comes up after a decent gin.
I often feel that I need a drink to fully feel my emotions; if I don’t, it feels like I’m blocking things off. Frank Wilson is better after a glass of wine; Frightened Rabbit are more…real after a gin.
Sharon helps control my imbibing, but I think what I worry about is the ramifications of that:
Am I too closed off without a bevvy?
If so, how do I unlock how I feel?
Am I a fantastically depressive fuck? I mean, the two favorite bands on loud replay…the lead singers topped themselves!
I’m putting trust in the Hannah factor: every one here is inherently decent and wants to help. (A friend of mine recently committed suicide, and I’m pulling every stop out that the next one isn’t me). I’m trusting no-one offers simple platitudes and just cares and wants to help. If that isn’t true, can I politely suggest not adding anything?
It strikes me that the world is an incredibly hurtful place that I have trouble navigating, and all my success is a complete con act.
You-all are (collectively) a wise group. Can we help each other? Can you help me?