I can never stand under a bare lightbulb without making it swing and saying ‘Callan’. I’ve been doing this for years and NOBODY has ever laughed yet I persist and as the sands of time slip from my fingers the chances of anyone ever laughing become less and less.
What makes you and only you laugh?
When people say “I’m terrible at maths”, I always, always respond “ that makes three of us”.
Too late to change now.
I’d laugh
I wouldn’t necessarily laugh at the “Callan” lightbulb – but you’d certainly get a nod of recognition…
It would be better if he shot it and its remnants continued to swing.
That must make you Lonely.
Arf!
When Mrs D and I are going shopping, she asks “have you got a bag?”.
“Yes” I say pointing towards her.
This has been happening for nigh on 20 years, so the second part of the conversation is now “Shut up”.
Still makes me laugh though.
I did a similar thing when the lady at the checkout at Budgens asked if I wanted “a bag for life.” Understandably no one laughed when I said I had one and loved her very much.
It’s Bad News isn’t it?
Indeed. That is where I nicked it from (nobody has noticed until now)
I also use, to my own amusement it seems…”It says sausages…”
Should a Bag For Life get cheaper as one gets older?
When I worked in Sainsbury’s as a kid whenever anyone asked for a carrier I used to say “will a black rat do?” … only to certain people though
Ooh, that’s a good ‘un.
I always loved to regularly regale my family with the legendary Bob Marley doughnut joke.
I live alone now.
I am assuming the doughnuts have jam in. Them.
Irie.
Most of my attempts at humour on here (see comment in Blue Sky thread……)
Well, it made me laugh.
Do I want to admit this? Oh, why not?
Sometimes, a burp comes out sounding ‘bellum’.
‘This means war’, I say to myself.
I’ve genuinely taken a Viz Top Tip to heart and if a burp is impossible to suppress will belch ‘Excuse me’. Mrs Beezer gives me the nostrils.
A friend and I shared a joke watching football that 30 years ago that still makes me laugh. It’s difficult to explain, but I’ll give it a go.
When Peter Schmichael’s name came up, my friend shrugged elaborately and said “Huh! Micheal, Schmichael…” in the style of Mel Brooks or Jackie Mason – basically in the style of a stereotypical Jewish comedian. I followed up by saying “I’m tellin’ ya – he’s breaking his mother’s heart!” with similar mannerisms.
Writing it down, it doesn’t sound that funny but it at that moment it was hilarious. I am sad about how that friendship ended, but we’ll always have that.
I do find that funny just by reading it…oy very!
Mike Myers managed to make me, and only me, laugh in a fairly full cinema- twice!
The bit in Austin Powers where he calls his ‘laser’ scheme The Alan Parsons Project.
The bit in Wayne’s World 2 where Garth sees a girl who looks just like him, and he says Oh Wow! Is that a UNIX book?
Loads of them. Lately I’ve been tormenting my kids aged 6, 8 and 10 with regular weather updates in which I will describe how cold it is outside, ideally if I can trick one of them into asking me. “There’s 15 feet of snow in the East, and it’s colder than a well digger’s ass, it’s colder than a well digger’s ass”, in my best Tom Waits. Similarly I’ll crowbar a quick blast of “Walk Out to Winter”, trying to get them out the door for school. Oh! How I laugh.
Because they regard me as ancient (I am) I am prone to give a variation on the Four Yorkshiremen sketch whenever the chance arises e.g. “Nintendo Switch? I used to dream of having a Nintendo Switch. Lucky to have a burst football I were.”
My all time favourite, for making me and nobody else laugh, is dropping into any slight reference to horoscopes or birth signs an old Alexei Sayle joke…”of course I’m part Leo and part Capricorn – I’m a Leprechaun”. Cracks me up every time.
Burst football? You were lucky …
My grandmother wasn’t noted for her sense of humour, but she managed to silence the household with what may or may not have been a joke. She used to sit in her armchair and demand to know what the weather was like. This particular morning I told her that it was fine but there was a heavy dew. ‘Tell him to go away,’ she said…ummm.
Bravo!
Reminds me of my favourite Alexei Sayle joke (vaguely remembered) which goes ” I went to a wedding and had to give a speech. So I did one of Lenin’s on the theory of the state”. — always told in my best attempt at a Liverpudlian accent.
There’s a chain of coffee shops locally called Bewitched. Whenever we’re on a trip to town I’ll ask Mrs or Mini P if they fancy a coffee and if they suggest Bewitched as the venue of choice I’ll adopt a fake Irish accent and declare “what are you like?”*
*Mid 90’s pop reference, there
The Eric Morecambe hip convulse when somebody walks behind you, as if they have goosed you on the way past. We were at a party, coincidentally with an ex of some years’ standing, when I felt the urge to perform. She looked at The Present Mrs Kirk and remarked drily “Is he still doing that?”. I think it was a bonding moment for both of them.
I do that.
Have you got the scrolls?
No, I always walk like this
Can he say that?
If you want me to be a goner, get me a record by Des O’Connor.
Have you got a criminal record?
Literally at my first job interview “I didn’t think I needed one!”
See also “Well, I used to have ‘Roxanne’…”
The great thing about the Eric Morecambe paper bag trick is that new kids are born every year so the audience who will be delighted is constantly being replenished..
“Will you ratify my proposals?”
“Certainly, hand me that mallet.”
Usual reply is “Well I did buy ‘Mud On The Road'”
If anyone asks me ‘What’s this film about?’
‘It’s about an hour and a half!’ Along with a leg slap and a ‘wa-hay!’ Tumbleweed. And a church bell tolling in the distance.
Additionally, if I’m bringing in a drink for anyone from the kitchen I often might do my Jack Douglas impression. Jack Douglas being the late comic actor whose schtick was involuntary spasms and odd noises. ‘Oooo! Hey! Give over!’
Tumbleweed. And a church bell tolling in the distance.
Alf Ippititimus – made that reference in a meeting at work … silence.
Another moment of silence … when Teams is dropping in and out, and I say “sorry, I missed that. You were Norman Collier-ing”.
The looks of confusion (and/or pity) are normal
That’s him. The very same.
And, yes, Norman Collier. ‘…off…on again…’
I was on a Teams call this morning with a colleague who is ages with me, and several younger colleagues. He was having problems with the microphone in his headset coming in and out, and after several attempts to get him to understand that he was not being heard, I said “You are the only person on the call who will understand this, but you are giving us your best Norman Collier”. He understood perfectly, took the headset out, and everything was fine after that.
When I was a student bus conductor I was hauled upstairs and carpeted for replying ‘About 40 feet’ to a woman who asked me how long the next bus would be.
On the rare DIY occasions when I have to connect two wires together (maybe refitting a stereo speaker) I will say “Do I have the right?” in tribute to that moment in “Genesis of the Daleks” when Tom Baker’s Doctor hesitates to connect the bomb.
Excellent.
Do I cut the red wire or the green wire?
60 seconds to decide.
Tightening or loosening a nut and bolt I always say “”righty tighty, lucy lefty”. Not sure where I got it from.
Ainsley Harriott?
It’s a family thing but whenever someone mentions parrot we have to say “Pardon?”
I enjoy referring to former Indian cricket captain Sourav Ganguly as “Ging”.
When someone says ‘Are you now?’ I’m compelled to immediately shoot back with ‘Or have I ever been?’
Working in film editing I do often get asked ‘How long is it?’
‘That’s a very personal question’ was my reply, less so these days.
“As the actress said to the bishop”
Only those of a certain vintage seem to be amused
It seems to have been superseded among my younger* acquaintances by “That’s what she said”.
*They don’t need to be especially young to qualify…
To which I always reply: with balls like that, you should be a canon!
(oh, my sides……..)
Speaking of those of a certain age…
I could see that coming from some way off, but it still made me laugh.
Raye (real name Rachel Keen) is singing at the Oscars. I think that parenthesis counts as a gag only we find funny..
How long’s dinner?
Four inches, it’s a sausage.
Just thought of another … eskimos eat whale meat and blubber … then again you would too if that’s all you had to eat. No one has ever laughed at that one.
I laughed.
“Whale meat again!?”
As sung by A.I. Vera Lynn..
Adam & Joe used to do a podcast together, and had a joke competition, the best of which revolved around the similarity of the Eurythmics singer’s name to ‘A kneeling ox’.
I made up two jokes around the presenters’ names, each of which was tortured. But I thought they was the point of the competition. Needless to say, my efforts were in vain, and I heard nothing at all when I sent them in. They were so poor, I’m not going to repeat them here, but they still amuse me to this day.
When discussing holidays I’m often asked:
Who are you flying with ?
Can never resist saying:
About 250 people but I don’t know all their names.
Not a titter!
I do that! Only I say “My wife.”
Not a titter!
It is at this point that the joke about the Irish pilot and the air traffic controller can be inserted:
ATC: “Can you give us your height and position?
Pilot: “I’m five feet ten and I’m sitting in the cockpit”.
Other racial stereotype slurs are available.
I did a really elaborate joke on Facebook by creating accounts for Kaiser Willhelm and Commander Douglas Haig. The Kaiser then posts “some people don’t care if zey hurt your feelings…” (with a sad face emoji).
To which Haig replies “You OK, Hun?”
I was really proud of it and still think it’s a great joke. However, the people have spoken- and they yawned.
Good work IMO.
Top shout
The GLW is pleased that Only Connect has reached the end of its current season as I cannot hear a contestant choose the “eye of Horus” without saying “the whore of eyerus”, likewise if the captain pronounces horned viper as “hor-ned viper” I find it impossible not to question out loud if he/she had cor-ned beef sandwiches for lunch. Oh how we (I) laugh…
The horned viper also know as the Healey worm.
aka “worm with ears”
When Mrs. T and I lived in Paris in the 90s we would gaze in the window of an amazing patisserie and admire the offerings and I’d turn to her and say, in an accusatory voice, “Tart!”. Then point at a tarte au pomme or similar. How we laughed. The fun continues to this day when we visit Waitrose.
That is my kind of humour.
Every other Sunday:
“Do you want stuffing?”
“Not ‘alf!”
Or walking past the household section in the supermarket and seeing the brushes designed for cleaning the floor and shouting “Scrubbers”
An old teacher when he heard the word Leatherhead (which wasnt often) would always reply Pieface
In my vegetarian household …
Family member “What’s for dinner?”
Cooking family member: “Its bean salad”
Me: “I don’t care what it’s been – what is it now”
(Also works with bean stew, bean soup, bean tacos etc)
This has now become the “family joke”. One of my proudest parental moments was hearing my son telling the same joke to his bemused 3 yr daughter.
Which reminds me of an elderly joke.
“Waiter this coffee is undrinkable ”
“Well the beans were freshly ground.”
“Freshly ground and now they’re mud!”
‘69 comments’
Fnarr! Snurkle!
(Well, 70 now)
Just thinking of my dear dad again. Whenever he came in from work we would always have this routine
“Anyone call?”
“Yeah, Bill Bailey”
“What did he want?”
“He said he’s not coming home”
Very good!
Waiter: “How did you find the steak?”
Me: “It was right there next to the potatoes”
Oh, the hilarity and wit (shining wit, I think he said)
If anyone refers to starting from scratch, I always reply, “The only thing I ever started from scratch was a flea circus!’
I’m probably the only person who channels ISIRTA, when someone says “It’s (say) 20 miles, as the crow flies” – “Well saddle my fastest crow!”
If I ever asked my late wife (an Art teacher) if she had everything she needed (before leaving the house), she’d reply “I’m an Artist, I don’t look back!” Knowing my predilection for bad musical puns, if I ever said, “I’m going upstairs to change”, she’d say, “Please Don’t Ever Change”…
Infallibly, to my friend Wendell;
“Did you come on your bike?”
“Nearly!”
Jenny Éclair did a similar line when I saw her
“I came on the train … managed to pass it off as an asthma attack”
When I saw Jenny Eclair her opening line was “What’s pink, fluffy and never moves?”
“Barbara Cartland’s clitoris”.
It must be the cobbles.
Two nuns in the bath
‘Where’s the soap?’
‘Yes it does’
Two chimps in the bath – one says “Ooooh, oooh, ooooh, ooh!”
The other says “Well put some cold in, then”.
Why did the monkey fall from the tree?
Because he was dead.
Why did a second monkey fall from the tree?
Because he thought it was a game.
You are 11 year old me Beezer
Ask your Mam if we can go out and play.
Many decades ago a mate of mine had a predilection for extremely long puerile shaggy dog jokes which over the years have been reduced down to just the punch line or a couple of words. When we meet up one of us only has to say ‘Snakes?’ or ‘Pineapple Rings’ or ‘Uncle George’ to induce much mirth.
Does the “pineapple rings” one involve whipped cream and a cherry?
I remember that. Excellent joke.
I used to know a good one involving a tapeworm, an egg, a Mars bar and a walking stick but sadly I can’t really remember it.
Allow me @Twang
From
https://firstdogonthemoon.com.au/cartoons/2008/09/23/a-tapeworm-two-eggs-a-mars-bar-and-a-cricket-bat/
Whenever I hear a song by 80s gravel-throated funkster Terence Trent D’Arby, I always refer to him as Terence Trent Derby County. Apart from me, no one has ever found this funny; imagine my delight, however, when I heard Simon Mayo crack the same gag on his resurrected drivetime show.
Eating an extremely popular Chinese dish, a certain song by Frank Sinatra (or, more likely, by those two ’60s Irish harmony-singing boyos The Batchelors) always springs to mind.
“I wonder why you keep me waiting, Chow Mein. My Chow Mein.”
In a nod to the great opening episode of Porage, if Senora Malo ever asks me to undertake some domestic task (like filling the water jug for the dinner table) it is fully expected that I will inquire “What, from here?”
I know that @skirky of this parish is also a fan of that sketch, and has his own variant.
‘What, with these feet?’
Clement and La Frenais re-used that line * in Never Say Never Again. Not the same when delivered by Sean Connery.
* Clement and La Frenais re-used many lines. The line about believing you’re Working Class, until you go to Glasgow/up north has been recycled in Porridge, The Likely Lads and Auf Widersehen Pet
I recall something on the same lines in Hancock’s The Reunion Party. Hancock’s nickname in the army had been Kippers which he’d been christened because of his feet.
Does Sean Connery like all herbs?
Only partially.
Sean Connery always washes up in a set routine.
He has Obsessive Compulsive Dish Order
I’ve remembered another one that I regularly use to the annoyance of my children. It’s the latest in an endless variation on the Reeves and Mortimer “Trapped in Your Flat”, public information film. Can’t find it on YouTube though the associated intro song is there. The advice is basically “If you are going to get trapped in your flat – try not to get trapped in your flat!”
This evening one of my children banged her elbow painfully. My helpful advice was of course “if you are going to bang your elbow – try not to bang your elbow!” I can imagine a therapist trying to unpack that one in years to come.
There is of course a certain punchline just waiting to be said when someone enquires “How long is it?
Most of my unfunny gags seem to be football related, so here’s one more bad one. Whenever former Sheffield Wednesday and Barnsley manager Danny Wilson did a downbeat post-match interview (quite common, in fairness), I would always announce, in a sonorous voice, that Danny had never been the same since Mary’s Prayer. The gag-to-laugh ratio currently stands at around 50:0.