It’s been some years since dog owners started using dog-poop bags to pick up faecal matter deposited on the footpath. It was a development I was really pleased to see, substantially reducing that hazard of dog-shit being walked into your home for one as well as reducing infection risks like toxicara to children.
But in the last few years I’ve noticed a change in behaviour. Dog owners are bagging the shit and then just leaving it in the street for others to pick up.
Last year my wife and I visited Snape Maltings in Suffolk. We went for a walk across the flat lands behind it. We were appalled to come across a tree “decorated” with dozens of bags of dog-shit hanging from its twigs.
Now I’ve had someone deposit such a bag on our garden wall.
It may be a small problem but it is really f*#&ing hacking me off.
Does anyone have any other fresh, first world problems they’d like to add?
First World problems – the latest in an unending series
by 83 Comments
One can solve that first world problem by using it to manage another; empty the full dog shit bags onto the pavements so the idiots who walk blindly whilst reading their phones walk into the bio-mines. I never thought I would wish for the return of dog shit on pavements, but if it stops the crass and intentional inconsideration of people so important they can barge into you, it may be of some benefit.
Directly in front of mine is a curved access driveway to my three neighbours’ houses. I have a post and chain fence around my front lawn to prevent dogs crapping on it (the other side of the road is a park where they can run free) .
A couple of weeks ago my immediate neighbours had some visitors who quickly reversed in a straight line up the curved drive. I happened to be upstairs, changing my trousers, thinking “they’re going to hit that fence if they’re not careful”. Sure enough, they knocked over three of my fence posts before driving off, persued down the road by me in my slippers and unbuttoned trousers.
It doesn’t take much to stop, ring the doorbell and say “I’m really sorry, we’ve had a little accident” does it? Now I need to buy some PostCrete to put the fence back up again.
I hope they’ve done some really expensive damage to their car.
Hope you got their number. Next visit, accidentally slash three of their tyres, see how they like that.
Pay a visit to your neighbour and find out who their accident-prone friends are. Then send them a bill.
Already done, in my slippers and unbuttoned trews combo. I was hoping they’d offer to come and do the graft, too. Nowt so far.
In other FWP news, the contractors who cut the grass on the park left the first cut a bit late this year (the grass was over 18″ high) and mowed without collecting up the cuttings. Far too long to be mulched down, the park is now covered in a carpet of yellowing straw, with the roots underneath slowly drying up in the heat.
The cause of much hoo-ing and har-ing on the local FB page.
I have noticed that large dog turds presumably from large dogs are more likely to be not picked up. Put another way owners of large dogs are more likely to ignore their civic responsibility
Ive thought about the “you dont see the small turds” argument. But nope def more of the big uns, heaps more err as it were.
You’ll be surprised as to what can come out of a small dog.
We used to remark that our grandparents’ Yorkshire Terrier must have had a bum like the Tardis.
It’s the diameter 😳
Ive got Jack Russells
You’ve got Jack Russell’s what?
What he hasn’t got is Jack Russell’s apostrophe.
Like me, he has no use for that apostrophe. My Jack Russells don’t need one, and neither do Junior’s.
I know.
Yeah yeah – auto correct on phone before i turned lights out. I own 2 Jack Russell dogs. All clear now lads?
You made a punctuation mistake. Your membership of The Hard and Cool Club is hereby suspended.
Never EVER let him back in.
Large dogs lollop off with their tongues flapping everywhere and then crap miles away out of sight (and, arguably, out of mind). Small dogs mince around near to the owner at all times because they’re too wee to go very far.
That’s why large dog poo is left and small dogs have theirs attended to. This is my theory – which is mine.
This is where your theory falls to the ground – piles of big turds are more common in dog parks too, where dogs are all in sight.
I don’t recommend falling to the ground.
I remember the days when pavement-based dog turds were huge, and you could always guarantee that a bicycle tyre mark would appear through them the next day.
and of course every Afterworder remembers the days of white dog shit. Come Brexit I’m sure we’ll be seeing it again in the sunlit uplands.
Or the sunshit uplands.
Remember the days in the old school yard? We used to skid a lot…. yuck.
The thought of that ruining a phone-focussed yuppie’s Manolo Blaniks or city boy loafers makes my dark heart lighten. It’s bad enough on a pair of Clark’s Commandos.
Wayfarers! With the secret compass and animal track soles!
When my children were pre-school I used to take every Friday off and spend the day with them. I’d often meet other parents (usually mums) with their kids. If the weather was good then it would be time in the park or in the countryside. On one hot day we went to the big park and sat in the shade under a big tree while the kids ran wild. After a few minutes I noticed the kids had stopped running and were sat down together. I also noticed that one of the boys was chewing on something with his mouth wide open. “What’s he eating?” I asked out loud. We all looked at him. We saw him pick something off the grass and eat it. “Oh shit”, his mum said. “I think you’re right”, I said.
According to the mum when we met up again the following week the doctor told her that this was quite a common occurrence in under 4’s especially boys, something of a right of passage. Most kids he said are fine even if they eat quite a copious amount. So pity all those kids being denied their shit sandwich because people are bagging them up and putting them out of reach on trees and garden walls. Tut.
The incident put me in mind of that old joke about the two tramps who stop and look down at their feet just before they step in something. The first tramp bends down. “Looks like shit”. He sniffs. “Smells like shit”. He scoops some up with his hand and puts it in his mouth. “Tastes like shit….thank god we didn’t step in it.”
In Glasgow when I was a kid we used to call white dog shit ‘crunchies’. This, I’m pleased to say, was nothing to do with it’s gastric qualities, rather it referred to it’s textural qualities when trampled underfoot.
I get really cross when I see kids eating dogshit. My Wilma loves it and it means less for her to eat and roll in.
(Wilma is my Jack Schit)
Well you know what they say about kids today. They know jack shit.
As I live in Canada, the chances of people not picking up their dog shit is pretty much negligible, did tread in some the other day when kicking a football around with my daughter though.
My problem is drivers. Ones who need to get to the next traffic light 3 seconds earlier so they decide to use inside lanes to overtake (undertake?), then pushing back into the lane they were in previously as the inside lane come to an end, causing the original lane they were in to move much slower as well as making collisions more likely. Apparently Ottawa drivers have a bad reputation, add that to our notorious Quebec friends visiting from the other side of the river then you can have a dangerous mix.
The thing that really gets my pip is the abreast walking groups. Often a 3 or a 4. Sometimes a pair can do it. But the key skill is to not move at all when you are walking towards a very tall lump of a man walking in the other direction. They can see you me (I know they can because I’m a big fella) but they don’t seem to be aware that unless they narrow their group, I’m either stepping out into the road ( and bus and truck wing mirrors are exactly the same height as my head) or I’m banging into them in the style of Richard Ashcroft.
Oh, and those aggressive cyclists in London are arseholes. They should be made to live in Copenhagen or Gothenburg for a year to learn how to urban cycle. Being a dick and driving too fast in a car is stupid. It is possible to do the same on a bike when there are pedestrians around.
It’s a bitter sweet symphony, this life.
Yes, don’t start me on aggressive cyclists.
I used to do a lot a cycling, so I know how much room to give when overtaking a bike-based person. In my car, I overtook a cyclist a few years’ ago, and I gave him so much room I was driving on the wrong side of the road. Mr Angryspokes (possibly not his real name) chased after me, and, on reaching the traffic lights, he hammered on my window whilst genuinely issuing death threats.
I have not a violent spark in my monkly bones, but I was sorely tempted to open my door in order to knock the spittle flinging fucker over.
Perhaps if we could legislate for dogs to shit in the gutter so that cyclists get splattered with it we could kill two birds with one stone.
Perhaps you could stop coming up with stupid ideas…
Not a vote winner in the cycling community then?
You should have told him you were Ronnie Pickering. Even if you’re not.
The actual Ronnie Pickering being floored by Hamlet for his lack of dog shit etiquette. You can quite clearly hear Hamlet telling Ronnie to “Come on! Pick up! (his dog’s shit)” at the end.
https://youtu.be/i6NtXKE7yn0
Bev Road on a Friday night? Dude got off lightly.
Ronnie Pickering? Who he? I thought for a moment you meant Ron Pickering, the late BBC athletics commentator. I wonder whether Ron had a lack of dog shit etiquette? I suppose he might have been a bit absent-minded about picking up turds as his mind wandered back to the 1972 Olympic discus competition, or something.
You don’t know who Ronnie Pickering is?
He’s…. Ronnie Pickering!
Dog Shit Etiquette. Three more from them later…
Isn’t it a lost Damned album?
Ah yes. Ron Pickering of We Are The Champions.
“Everyone in the pool!” he would shout at the end of each episode.
“Turd in the pool!” some child would shout within 10 seconds of the end credits ending.
How we used to live:
You can’t even envisage any professional sportsman being allowed to compete in anything like Superstars these days. No one would be able to afford the insurance for starters.
My home town. I ran around that cinder track. The very idea to let anyone ride a bike let alone Keggy on a racer is beyond common sense.
This is quite similar to the crazies that stand in front of the line at baggage reclaims. Where exactly do they think I’m going to put my bag when I get it off the carousel. I’ve now been banned by my GLW from swinging it off into their shins but I’m sure it made a few fellow travellers think twice next time. It must make life so much simpler not having to consider others.
I used this example myself the last time I started a hate thread, but people who text as they walk downstairs, elbows akimbo, slowing down as they reach the bottom as if they have to finish what they’re writing before they reach the bottom step … yeah, them. Bring back the stocks at the very least.
Texting while walking in public is extremely bad behaviour.
They always either suddenly stop dead in everyone’s way or else start to move slower and slower as they tap their little screens and, because they are tapping their little screens, they’re not paying attention to where they are going either as they wander side to side. Then there are the aforementioned elbows.
Stop where you’re not in anyone’s way, you fuckers, if you really MUST text in public places.
But they might be writing a scintillating post on the Afterword about Lionel Blair.
My favourites are those brilliant minds who stops dead right after they’ve stepped off an escalator, blocking the way for everyone trying to get off it behind him. Usually they also have noise cancelling headphones on as well, so they can’t hear you saying “Excuse me” and gives you the stinkeye when you are forced to shove them to the side.
I have a dog which I walk along the road and in the countryside.
I carry poop-bags, tissue and hand wipes.
If I use any of the above I deposite them in provided bins or take them home to be disposed of.
Those twats who leave dog shit where their dog does or bags it and then leave it on the pavement, on land walked by others, decorating trees or any place it shouldn`t be left should be made to eat it. No I am not joking.
But if it’s in one of those bags those people will choke and die
….oh….I see.
Pretty much anywhere in the western world, on the wall above a urinal, will be an ‘impressive’ display of bogeys. Why in Cliff’s name do people do this? I once saw one on the ceiling. Everyone who does this needs to have a good think about their lives.
Bogeys? The waste! Do they think bogeys grow on trees? What about the starving etc etc. Disgraceful.
(Wilma!)
No, but seemingly dog turds do grow on trees.
Is this one of those, what the youngsters call, a ‘Gammon’ thread?
Gammon steak and oven chips, with frozen peas. Perhaps a dab of English Mustard on the side of the plate.
Lovely grub.
Where’s me Blue Nun?
I hope the gammon steak has a tinned pineapple ring on top of it. Essential.
Solar prestige a gammon ?
Other VDGG songs are available.
The Dogshit trees are in full bloom round our way. Their heavy blue and green fruit dangles invitingly as you leave the car park and head up onto the Downs. You’re not allowed to pick them, but if one falls off you can feed it to your kids.
What if you head down onto the Ups?
(Other prepositions are available)
I don’t get this. I always assumed that the poo orchard was created by a dog owner hanging a fulsome bag on a branch on the outbound leg of a walk so they can collect them on the inbound. And then promptly forget to do so. For there to be more than one suggests that this isn’t the case.
The Poo Orchard… Chekov’s strip for Oink! comic.
Parking on pavements. Whatsthatallabout? People would rather a mother and pushchair dice with the traffic than risk getting their wing mirror clipped. The other day I was a commuter on a fold-up bike cycling on the pavement in the one-foot gap left by a pavement parker, while a iPhone zombie drifted into his path. It was a moment of exquisite self-righteous indignation and I nearly fainted from the excitement.
Agreed. Happens all round our way on the wide pavements. People seemingly must park fully on the pavement on the main road outside the house they’re visiting rather than out of the way on a side road not 30 yards further away.
And don’t get me started on drivers wearing in-ear headphones. That seems to be gathering momentum these days.
The pavement is for parking, extremely fast cyclists and dog shit. Are you implying it serves some other purpose? Madness.
Round our way it’s for morbidly obese people on mobility scooters.God help you if you get in their way.
Round our way… very good….
I believe these contraptions are called “obesecycles”.
(c) Simon Evans.
Bingo Taxis
I saw, not I was. Duh.
Aw.
I was enjoying picturing you in gold lycra shorts commuting on a fold up bicycle and getting palpitations at the thought of running down a Smombie.
You want to hear a first world problem?
The lack of verisimilitude in pop videos. It’s worse than genocide.
I liked the way the Gambino thread discussed whether he was buff enough to dance topless before it got to HE SHOOTS A CHOIR
Well, fat blokes shooting choirs just wouldn’t be cricket, dear boy.
I misread Gambino as ‘Gambo.’ Nearly brought a tear to my eye, I can tell you.
… a video of a man in a warehouse spraying the Crown Prosecution Service with gunfire.
In Stockholm, the places where dog owners leaves their black bags are visited by crows for their lunch, another E-lands problem…
https://youtu.be/7whLoIg0-kw