Films: The Way It Is
While choosing a film to watch, please remember the following rules (you can thank me later)*:
1. The Thin Red Line must never, ever be watched as it is THE WORST FILM OF ALL TIME and it will be 171 minutes of your life that you will never get back.
2. Action films must be watched on Friday and Saturday nights, with the volume turned waaayyy up.
Sub-rule: James Bond films must be seen with your dad, if available (an older uncle is an acceptable substitute). All dads/uncles must say that (a) Sean Connery is the best Bond (this is true) and (b) Ursula Andress is the best Bond girl (this is not true—it’s Barbara Bach from The Spy Who Loved Me).
3. All horror films must be watched at night, with the lights out. No exceptions.
4. Comedies must be watched on weeknights, or on Saturday mornings.
Sub-rule: when watching Withnail and I, the greatest comedy of all, do not play the drinking game. You will die.
5. Historical epics (Spartacus, El Cid, Lawrence of Arabia) are reserved for Saturday and Sunday afternoons. A bowl of bonbons or tea and biscuits are optional.
Sub-rule: when watching The Great Escape, a brief sob is acceptable when *spoiler alert!* the 50 are massacred.
6. Foreign films must be watched on Sundays with the subtitles on. Dubbed versions are the work of the Evil One.
7. No rules apply to The Lord of the Rings, as it is the best film ever made and can be watched at any time. And before anybody complains, I consider it as one film split into three parts. So there.
* You may ignore these rules – although that would be a mistake – but following them will definitely add to your film-watching experience. I follow them, and there is nothing wrong with me. Probably.