In the song with the above title Paul Simon claims there are 50 ways to leave your lover but he lists only 5. So what are the rest?
6. Kick them to the kerb , Herb
Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover
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7. – Shoot him in the head Fred
8. – Get eaten by a lion Brian
9. Get a new man, Anne
10. Find a new MILE, Wilf
Damn prudish autocorrect!
11 better get even, Steven
Send her a text, pest
Or do it by fax, Max
Send a P45, Clive.
Change your sex, Tex.
Tell him the truth, Ruth.
Play her Free Jazz, Baz
Yeah – play her Coltrane, Wayne
Up
Sext her best mate, Nate
Sleep with her sis, Chris
Push over a gorge, George
Lose in the fores(t), Seuras
(Hmm, strangely familiar names to this twice divved man…..)
Put him in the bin, Lynne
Or in the tank with the shark, Mark
Constantly use irony, Hermione
Play Dr Dre, Diedre
Make it plain, Jane
Play her Nick Drake – Jake
Pretend your Harry Styles – Miles
Denounce Breaking Bad – Lad
Tell her you’re a Tory – Rory
Launch yourself into space, Ace.
Be completely ad hoc, Doc.
Snog strangers at random, Brandon.
Act like a berk, Dirk.
Set light to a fart, Art.
Hit on her nan, Van
Leave up the loo seat, Pete
Send her a bill, Phil
Spend the night with a hooker, Booker.
Start ordering WKD, Dickhead.
Bum her mum, chum.
Cop off her with her mam, Gram
Shag her sister, mister
Pull the trigger, Tigger.
Find a new angle, Gangle.
Build a raft, Saucecraft.
Buy yourself a dingo, Bingo.
Tell her not to drool, DuCool.
Find a new pal, Sal.
Get a new thang, Twang.
Show you can’t rhyme, Dennis.
Take her mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again, Ken.
Get caught wearing her frock, Jock.
Catch a sexually-transmitted disease, Rhys
Say her sister is hot, Scott
Just send him an e-mail, Gail
Send a nasty tweet, Skeet
Instagram that kiss, Chris
Step off a cliff , Cliff…
Throw him under a lorry, Florrie
Trap her in a cave, Dave
Send her a large bill, Will
Leave her out of your will, Bill
Make her skin crawl, Paul
Jump on the next ferry, Gerry
Hide her Rosé, José
Snort like a pig, Stig
Change the locks, Mox
Just give her a slap, chap
Call her a tart, Bart
Get into porn, Bjorn
Buy a Mellotron, Ron,
Get into Yes, Jess
And she’ll get herself gone
Just give her a shove, love
Make her walk the plank, Frank
Just walk away….. er…. Rene!
Also, in Mr Simon’s defence, he never said there were 50 ways, he said there must be.
Play some Mahavishnu, Sue
Say “yes , your bum does look big in that” Matt
Play him the entire Mahavishnu boxset, Roxette.
Here’s Flight of the Conchords take on it…
Brilliant! You beat me to it Bamber. My favourite of the Conchords songs. Excellent use of the Omnichord and “Hmmm…. shut up” makes me crumple in laughter.
Carry on being naughty,Courtney
You were nothing but a thug, Doug
Stop being pissy, Missy
Fuck off to Leicester, Esther
You were just a fad,Brad
Drown her in sherbert, Herbert.
Get wasted on smack, Jack.
Snort up some good coke, bloke.
Come home with some grass, Cass,
And get yourself freeeeee
Sit at home in your pants, Frantz,
Don’t bother to wash, Tosh
Smell slightly of wee, Lee
and soon you’ll be free