I think we did this a few years ago in the old place, but there has been a lot of newbies join since then so we may get some new ones. I was in convo with an Afterworder earlier today on a completely unrelated topic when I was reminded of this story.
My chum Ian regularly works for the Scottish Professional Golfer’s Association (SPGA) at the Scottish Open and also the (British) Open when it is held in Scotland. They work for sod all but get to *mingle* and see some free golf. They have a good time. One year the Open was at Carnoustie, and Ian was looking after the VIP car park. He was manning the barrier type thing when up rolls Colin Montgomerie in his car. Now my chum (who I should add was then in his 40’s and a fairly wealthy man, he just loved this wee sideline he had) was well aware of who the driver was, but he asked the Scotsman anyway “Name?”
Montgomerie rolled down the car window and said “Colin Fucking Montgomerie.” Ian made a great palaver of looking through the list of accredited names on his A4 clipboard for a minute or two, clucking his tongue and sagely shaking his head and said “Nobody on here with that name, mate. Drive on please.” and walked away. Montgomerie went apeshit, and as Monty was well known for his consistent abrasive, offhand ways with the hired help, Ian was given a heroes welcome in the Staff Tent later that day.
So who have YOU (or your friend) encountered that is/was famous in their chosen field, but turned out to be a complete and utter twunt? That 70’s sitcom star with the jolly persona a miserable git in real life? Or maybe you know the opposite…. perhaps that nice Mr Innes is REALLY nice Mr Innes.
Over to you.
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“New Afterworders, New Tits”
Dave Stewart out of the Eurythmics seemed a little pee’d off when I asked for his surname once. I got a little scarcastic laugh from him as he said ‘Stewart’. I thought it was him, but he was shorter than I expected, so I wanted to be on the safe side. That’s all he did though, so it would be unfair to call him a tit. Just the only time anyone famous has been anything other than normal when I have spoken to them.
Actually no, I forgot about Peter Beagrie, who was an arse when I asked him whether he was a player when I was taking a little lad round the room at the Sheffield United open day one season. He was affronted because he was the ‘star’ player and I didn’t recognise him and told me so. Arse!
I could list 40 or 50 that have been nice and (relatively) normal, including many who were lovely, when I have met them though, so it’s a very low hit rate of tits, which is reassuring.
DS has claimed in the past to be the true Duke of Northumberland. You know when somebody is claiming blue blood that you’re deep into Tit Country.
I can’t imagine Peter ‘Backflip’ Beagrie being the star-player for any team. I can only remember him being at Everton in the early 90s and he was no Eric Cantona.
Beagrie had a swan song at Bradford City in our brief Premier League tenancy 1999-2001. Did alright for us.
Universally despised amongst us Smoggies. Something to do with the fact that when the old MFC went bankrupt in 1986, he was the only local-born player who walked rather than hang around to see if a new club would rise from the ashes (SPOILER: it did). His ‘don’t you know who I am’ attitude didn’t help, mind. Keeps a VERY low profile on the occasions he turns up at the Riverside to do his thoroughly average punditry for Sky.
See also Danny Dyer who is on both counts.
I love Danny Dyer. His titness can be seen from Polaris with the naked eye, yet it has added to the gaiety of nations.
Precisely how I feel about Ver Pwopa Norty One, too.
His ‘Who Do You Fink You Are?’ was brilliant. ‘And so it turned out that I’m actually royalty. Which was nice.’
This is the reason why Danny Dyer should be thought of in the same breath as Laurence Olivier, John Gielgud and Todd Carty.
‘Ah, dear, dear Todd – I saw his Tucker Jenkins, you know’.
Many senior academics think they are Steven Hawking when they are closer to David Icke. Richard Dawkins is, guess what, a self-absorbed rude elitist with no time for starstruck students. Indifference to anyone’s fame is the way to go.
However, when Paul Davies spent some time at Adelaide University back in the early 90s, he dropped by the printing department to get some business cards printed and couldn’t have been nicer.
Another exception would be Prof. Brian Cox. He did a Manchester Alumni / British Council talk here in Singapore last year (which was fantastic) and happily mingled with the audience afterwards at the buffet. My then 15year old son asked him a simple question and he spent a good 10 minutes talking to him. He even entertained my question on the D’Ream reunion…
Very approachable and couldn’t have been nicer.
It’s probably that inner-tension that cost Montgomerie a major. Mind, I can’t imagine too many golfers are a bundle of fun.
My son knows ex open winner Paul Lawrie…off piste he is a genuine, nice guy… on the job, he is single minded and focused, therefore his reputation for surliness?
It’s wrong to speak ill of the dead but Paul Daniels – what a tit! Some years ago my friend and his wife attended a show at the Barbican in London and afterwards tried to navigate the labyrinth-like car park complex to retrieve their car. Similarly perplexed by the system were another couple, Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee. They entered the lift and my friend offered some generic banter along the lines of how tricky it is to work out where to go. No silly high voices, no “I bet you wish you had your magic wand” or “I like this car park – not a lot!!!” – none of the kind of things I would say. He’s far more dignified.
He was responded to with silence and a keen need not to engage in any way, no matter how small. Both couples parted, looking for respective parking spaces. A few minutes later, my friends decided that perhaps they should go back to the lift – and they get in. Presently the door opens at another floor. It’s Daniels and McGee! “Oh for fucks sake!” He shouts on seeing them and enters the lift. No humour, no interaction. The two couples part again and my friend offers some direct advice to Daniels over his general behaviour.
i met PD and the lovely DM once and I can report that he and indeed she, was civil, friendly and argh, amusing. This was rather disappointing as I had always previously thought of him as being, as described in VIz, ‘a baaldy, lirrul twat from Middlesborough.’
Perhaps he was just having a good day.
Yes despite my story above I am prepared to concede he might have been having a bad day and we are all entitled to be a bit grumpy sometimes – I generally quite like(d) him.
Nevertheless ..
May he rest in peace…
I met PD & DMcG in a cafe in the Yorkshire Dales – can’t quite remember where but near Scotch Corner. I’d been hiking and they arrived by car. We shared a pot of tea. They were lovely company.
I bet he could be a tit on a bad day, though, and that “at home with” doc on telly a few years ago did him no favours.
In the interest of balance, there’s a famous story of Paul Daniels doing a charity gig for no fee, but there being a very small crowd due to some publicity foul-up… rather than flounce off in a huff, he does a great full performance, and afterwards gives a donation to the charity to the value of what a full-house would have raised…
Anybody heard the story about Gwyneth Paltrow in Whitby?
It doesn’t involve kippers or Dracula.
Don’t do the teaser “and which famous person has recently been seen snorting coke off a donkey’s back?” thing, Moose, just tell us the story!
It’s not rude. Well, not that kind of rude.
John Cale was pissed off and not at all friendly when I asked him to sign a copy of VU and Nico as well as the autobiography he was flogging. But sign it he did and a friendly Cale would probably have perplexed me more.
You weren’t wearing short sleeves by any chance?
As I’ve said before, Miranda Richardson told a very starstruck 11-year-old me to piss off when I approached her for an autograph in 1989. I was so crushed.
Well, she was Queen…
I really would have been too scared. Worth a try though.
I did a radio phone interview with Howard Jones (their idea, not mine) to help him promote his local gig and he was a tit of the first order – clearly thought that doing the whole thing was beneath him. A similar chat with Paul Young was completely the opposite – top bloke all round!
There was a longish interview with Howard Jones on Swedish TV a couple of years ago, and I must say he came over as an absolute tit.
From the way he described his career and his work, he seemed to believe that he was a more significant person in the history of music than Bob Dylan, Miles Davis, Jimi Hendrix and J.S. Bach rolled into one.
Someone I know who had dealings with him about 15 years ago would confirm all of that. A pompous, self-righteous twerp.
Just the other day a mate told me that Sting threatened to have him fired off a tour for the heinous crime of asking him to sign a program (it was for someone else). Summers and Copeland did it, no problem but Sting refused. He may have wondered later why some of the lights were just slightly in his eyes during the gig.
On a more positive note, I recently encountered Chris Moyles who was as nice as Nicey McNiceface on a particularly nice day.
Colin Fucking Montgomery? Everyone knows his name is Jessie. Big girls blouse.
Recently saw Monty Don at a Gardeners World show – my wife thinks he is a genuinely nice person. The two ladies who tried and failed to get his autograph may think otherwise.
In my bookselling days I would often ask reps if an author they were touting was available for signings in the shop. Only twice was I ever told, ‘Trust me, you don’t want him.’ One was George Best, the other was Monty Don.
I went to an Evening With…event featuring George and Rodney Marsh. Bestie couldn’t have been more pleasant. I suppose the George you get/got depended on the booze consumption on the particular day.
Like the rest of us then.
I suspect it doesn’t take much to make Monty angry.
Even spelling his surname wrongly (It’s “Montgomerie”, not “Montgomery”) is likely to make the former Ryder Cup Captain incandescent with rage!
What a mean-spirited post.
(*NOSTALGIA*)
Whilst working for a ‘too large to fail’ bank in the mid-90s, we hired (at considerable expense) Bruce Forsyth to present an award ceremony for us at the V&A. He was horrific – complete diva, horrible to everybody.
We also used to employ the services of Jeremy Paxman to present our financial results, and he was the complete opposite to Forsyth – spoke to everybody as equals, laughed, took interest in what he was there to do.
I have just finished Paxmans book & he comes across very well.
Have met Paxman on more than one occasion. Polite, professional and pleasant to all.
Cannot abide Bruce Forsyth. Talentless twat.
When I met Phill Jupitus outside a local arts centre (he was doing a DJ set and part-fronting The Blockheads) he was fine. When a friend met him in the kitchen where they’d both been sequestered at a PTA event apparently the only four words he said were “Don’t talk to me”. Mind you, I don’t like washing up much either.
I understand that former “Shoestring” actor Trevor Eve is the grumpiest, nastiest, tittiest tit of the whole lot of tits there are to be had out there. So a couple of my friends have told me. No personal experience.
BTW, I’ve been abroad [mentally] for a couple of weeks.
I see up there ^^^^ that HP is back in the Afterwoods. When did that happen?
The magic of the Afterword allows you to click on a name where it appears , or even call it up from the list of bloggers and it will itemise their contributions and the time plus a link. Please don’t click on mine and be exposed to the full horror of the bollocks I post.
What on earth is the relevance of your question to “Famous People Who Are Tits”?
Absolutely none as far as I can tell.
Obvs. I’d have thought , saw his name and asked the question. Better than a separate thread on the topic.
Thanks, JW. Exactly so. Hence the BTW.
No need to be a tit about these things.
Smiley-winkyface.
Michael Palin. Worse than Hitler.
David Attenborough. Absolute SHIT. Human waste.
Dave Grohl. Like a cross between a turd and a penis. A turdis.
And Father Christmas is a cunt.
You’ll be telling us that Ginger Baker is a really nice guy next! Cuddly. Lovable. Will go out of his way to help anyone.
He’ll break your f**kin nose if he reads your comment.
Hope you’ve seen Beware Of Mr Baker (if not, you should), otherwise my comment won’t make any sense.
@daftlimmy on Twitter makes me laugh every time someone dies by saying “Had the pleasure of meeting [X] at a charity do once. S/he was surprisingly down to earth, and VERY funny!”
He’s done it for everyone from Cilla to Bowie to Fidel Castro to Ian Brady to Scotland. And the best part is that news outlets often report it in their obit pieces – “Comedian Limmy tweeted, “…””
There is a Mark E Smith account that does that calling recently deceased celebs ‘very professional and a pleasure to work with’
When “he” did it with Shirley Temple a newspaper quoted it in their online obituary
Haha, outstanding.
Scotland is dead? Have you told Mrs Krankie?
Have we done a ‘Famous People Who Have T*ts’ thread yet?
I’ll do some research and get back to you.
Oooh dear.
I´m guessing most famous people can be grumpy but a lot are not. My son is a booking agent and reliably informs me that, in general, they are pretty good and the personality of the celeb/s is usually reflected in their crew. Recent inductees into the “really nice people, really nice crew” hall of fame include John Grant, Father John Misty and Solange – who due to flight issues arrived late in Oslo, put her makeup on in the van on the way from the airport and ran straight onstage without any warmup. No tantrums, just got on with it, and gave the performance of the festival.
I met John Grant after a gig and he is an absolute gent. The lady in front of me bought the Queen of Denmark on vinyl for him to sign, said how her son was so inspired by it, and he spent ages talking to her and wrote an essay (or so it seemed) on the cover. He was lovely with me too, and happy to to chat away to a star struck fan. On the other hand, I recently encountered Teddy Thompson, who’s work I love, and he scrawled his ‘name’ on a CD with barely a recognition that I was there. He was grumpy during the show too – moaned about record sales a lot…..!
I too have met TT.
He put up with some grace a visitation from my friend immediately post gig. A small, intimate venue in Charlottesville Virginia. Susan (my friend) had entered her “fuck the social niceties, just say it” stage of cancer, and barged through the teeny curtain dividing star from adoring fans. She then harangued him about not being in his Dad’s shadow and how good he is in his own merit. I’m doing the comedy sidekick thing of mouthing apologies and tugging her arm to c’mon and let the man go. He was nothing but pleasant; frankly I’d have lost my temper.
Also saw him at Jammin’ Java where he was very self deprecating and his statements were delivered with just enough wry smile that everyone knew not to take him too seriously.
Teddy Thompson is famous?
DONOVAN? Have not met him in person, mind you.
DONOVAN invented tits, don’tcha know.
DONOVAN invented Joe Strummer? No, I didn’t know.
Bit harsh on the Golden Age, non-60s dodging, close friend of Paul, Brian and Jimi, singer-songwriter.
and perhaps you’re being a little harsh on the deceased RTCH…?
He never got enough credit though. He also showed Lennon to finger tit in India. Then Lennon became a tit too.
I thought it was the Maharishi who fingered tit in Rishikesh? That was the rumour anyway.
Oh, Finger Titty
What have you done?
You made a fool of everyone
Not so much fingerbobs as fingerboo-
I’ve lost interest in this post already.
I actually have met Mr. Leitch and he was very nice – he did a signing after a gig in Exeter a couple of years ago and he chatted and I got a picture with him and everything. The show was a bit…er….self congratulatory would be a way of putting it, but he didn’t come over as the complete tit of reputation.
This calls for a new thread – people who are nice in person but arseholes on stage.
I’ve met ‘Aussie bad boy’ Nick Kyrgios a few times and can report he’s actually an interesting, self-effacing young bloke, whose biggest problem is he doesn’t much like tennis.
A certain denizen of this parish would doubtless be gratified to know that, like him, he’s a mad keen supporter of the perpetually rubbish North Melbourne Australian Rules Football team.
A Spurs fan too – has to be a top bloke!
I have a certain sympathy for people like Kyrgios (not necessarily him – he might be a dick) – probably he showed early promise, loved tennis, worked really hard, got to nearly the top – and discovered he now hates his job. Or at least doesn’t enjoy it. But it is his job, and he is probably not skilled in anything else. He is good enough to coast through and earn millions but is already dreaming of retirement.
It happens to many of us, just at a lower level – I know lawyers who hate lawyering, dentists who hate dentistry…. but it pays the bills, and you don’t have the media laying into you for not understanding how lucky you are.
Don’t we want some people to be pricks because we don’t like them on the telly or whatever? Imagine if The Mumfords moved in next door* and were likeable chaps who never left their bins out too long or had their telly on too loud. One’s brain would simply be crushed with the weight of the cognitive dissonance.
(*because they all live together, right?)
I met Roy Thomas Baker once.
All he talked about was how much money he had, and how Cheap Trick liked to party.
Both of which he’d obviously had far too much of.
A very unappealing, full-of-himself person. Has he done anything else since Queen?
I believe he was “behind the desk” for “Permisison To Land” by the GYHOMWH’s – that’s The Darkness, obvs
I met a very grumpy God once, and asked why he seemed to be having such a bad day, as he’d flatly ignored my request for an autograph on my ‘Westminster Carols At Christmas’ programme. “Are you kidding?” he said, “Look at all those bloody stupid humans; for one thing they’re still breeding like rabbits despite my having given them sufficient intelligence to work out that the little planet isn’t getting any bigger, and for another thing, they are always bloody asking me to fucking well intervene. How long will it take them to realise I don’t give a shit anymore? I’m so bored with them.”
“I see what you mean” I answered, “fair enough.” “Don’t s’pose you’d just sign this quickly, would you, any chance?” Bastard turned me into a pillar of salt.
I got turned into a pillow of winds.
*wafts* … frightfully sorry, shall I open a window?
Ross Noble claims that whenever he stays in a hotel he writes “All the best, God” on the inside front page of the Gideon’s Bible. You’d think the omniscient one would have made the effort to sign a few copies himself, seeing as it’s his Word and all, but no, he relies on off-duty comedians to do the hard graft for him.
He’s a bit of a tightwad, that Almighty.
All them apostles were on zero-hours contracts too.
Interships, he told ’em.
At least now Ross Noble can say on his CV that he’s Doing God’s Work.
And pay? Don’t talk to me about a pay. I said to him once, I said, look at this robe, I said, it’s more patches than fabric now. You know what he says to to me? He says, ‘Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.’ That’s all well and good for the lilies, I said, but they’re not the ones with half of Jerusalem pointing at their meat and two veg and giggling, I said.
Can’t help but notice them loaves and fishes were all supplied by the congregation.
Short arms and deep pockets.
Yes I have never liked all that stuff (paraphrasing here) “see how God provides, even for the sparrows – do you think he’d forget you?” .
We have the clearest of crystal-clear evidence in front of our own eyes that this, in particular, is bollocks. Moreover, the notion that such a predicament happens to non-believers – making the starving, homeless and uneducated responsible for their own poverty due to their own heathen ways.
Jeremy Clarkson is an obnoxious git. I’ve never met him and I’m glad about that too
Yes, but he punched Piers Morgan.
For that, he will always have a check in the credit column
If only he’d been huckled by the Police for it too. Is a fall down the Police station steps too much to hope for?
Well, he isn’t black, so it is too much to hope for.
French Police! That’s what we need, ideally the squad from Braquo
http://www.carscoops.com/2013/11/clarkson-hammond-banned-from-driving-in.html
Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour…
Mike Love. Full stop.
End of thread.
I’m currently reading Mike Love’s biography. The only thing that’s irked me so far is his belief that ‘California Girls’ is the most famous song with ‘California’ in the title.
Please post a review when you’ve read the whole thing.
Favourite Famous Tits. (Pair).
Ingrid Pitt’s (Tits).
❤️
Chris Tarrant married her.
It started to go wrong when on their wedding night he threw a bucket of water over her head while yelling, “THIS IS WHAT WE WANT!!”
I have a framed & dedicated signed photo “with luv” from Ingrid. She is topless in a bath. I only went for that as she insisted. Honest.
I have observed, but not actually met, Rory McGrath on two separate occasions. Both times he was complaining loudly in a ‘do you know who I am?’ style. Looked like an arse to me.
I went to a recording of QI once, a good few years ago. McGrath was on it, and was absolutely bloody insufferable – a desperate know-it-all, *straining* to mention his time at Cambridge any opportunity he got, BWAH HA HA-ing at his own jokes like a golf-club bar made flesh. I got the impression he’s massively insecure about his contemporaries all having surpassed him, and if he weren’t such a huge bellend you’d feel quite sorry for him.
The rest of the panel tried very hard to be patient, but eye-rolls and tuts were increasingly apparent over the couple of hours or so that they were filming. Until at one point towards the end of the taping, Stephen Fry passed a weary hand across his brow and said “Rory, do shut the fuck up, there’s a dear.”
There was unanimous applause.
(When the edited episode went out, they managed to make him look just about bearable. Which just goes to show how good at their jobs editors are.)
Oh and I just remembered he got a suspended prison sentence for harassing some luckless woman for more than a year.
Man’s a prince.
He drinks in my pal Bob’s local and I can only agree: he is a twunt of the first order.
I bet he has his own corner of the bar.
Actually I used to like him in Who Dares Wins. But that was thirty years ago, I used to like Slush Puppies then.
I used to see him around various pubs in Cambridge when I lived there. The stories are true – certainly from my experience. The bloke’s a knob of the highest order.
Here he is getting kicked off the Danny Baker show https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjEmVPSI6Fo
Great story,can just imagine Fry saying that!
Favourite Famous Tits. (Pair).
Madonna’s in their heyday.
😜
Disagree. Her nips are disconcertingly small. Like a man’s.
Should that not be Wahey! Day?
I’m sure I’ve told this before on here.
Mid-90s I was on a charity events team with Mary Archer and my pal (who booked for the Cambridge Corn Exchange). We wanted to raise funds for the Arts Theatre renovation.
Griff Rhys Jones was booked for an hour’s chat in the Arts Cinema on a Sunday morning. I did the sound. He was very funny. Afterwards, there was a back-stage line-up. He got along to me.
Mary Archer: “This is Steve, he did the sound for you today”
Me: “Have you ever bought a gramophone?”
GRS: “Oh, DO FUCK OFF”.
At which point GRS left the building.
Can’t say I’m surprised he blew you out. You’re probably only the 5 millionth person who thought they were being funny and original with that line.
GRS may have left, but what happened to Griff Rhys Jones? 😉
Favourite Famous Tits. (Pair)
Britt Ekland’s in ‘The Wicker Man’.
👍
Bobby Gillespie,as big a tit as you’d expect. Nicest-Joe Brown
There are wildly divergent reports re the Boab. Some say he’s as nice as can be, others that he’s the cunt’s cunt. Goes to show, dunnit? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
JB – so nice you don’t mind seeing him safely back to his car…
When I worked on a magazine in Dubai about ten years ago I was sent to interview Chris Tarrant, who was in town as the chief tit of the Lord Taverners cricket club or something. I had to attend a dinner, where he was the “star” guest and his flunkey told me to grab him afterwards for a chat. When I finally got to introduce myself, he turned a very flushed face to me and blurted “Oh you’re English? I thought you were one of the bloody natives!” (I’m Asian). Twunt.
Years ago I was doing my PADI Level 2 Certificate (scuba diving thing) in Turkey.
Amazed to find Chris Eccleston on the same boat, he was doing his first dive. He had just finished Doctor Who but that meant of course nothing to the Turkish instructors who kept asking him if he was famous.
I expected him to go off on one but he couldn’t have been nicer. Stayed in the bar later for a few beers, signed autographs for anyone who asked and happily posed for photos.
A big Northern Soul fan as well