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Dinner table dynamics

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This is a bit of an introverted post. but for those extroverts amongst us, bear with me. You might learn something.

I hate going “out for dinner” with more than one person. When it’s just me and my wife I love it. Sometimes the two of us go out with others, and if that happens, I inevitably find myself on the outer. So if there’s 3 of us, I’m the one left listening to two people talking. If there’s four of us, then that can be OK, because there can be two sets of two people talking. However if there’s 5, then that means 2 groups of 2 talking, and I’m left out. Etc.

If there’s a bigger group, like a birthday party or something, a big bunch of people – “woo-hoo let’s all go out it’ll be great” – well inevitably I find myself alone, because I just can’t do the “conversation with several people at once”. I like to talk to one person at a time. I can’t keep up with several conversations, and if I’m having a good talk to someone, I don’t want it being interrupted by some frivolous contribution from an inevitably well-meaning and probably lovely person.

And yes, I’m “always in the kitchen at parties”. I’ve always hated “parties”.

And, I’m 61 years old. I should have got over it by now.

But I haven’t.

So I’ll leave it there.

If you like you can listen to a nice piece of music by Erik Satie, which is always a preferable alternative to listening to nonsense “conversation” from some earnestly friendly person.

God what an old grump I am.

3

Comments

  1. Yes, I am exactly the same.

    I’m 46 and I should have got over it by now.

    If in the unlikely event we ever end up at the same party, we can meet in the kitchen. 😀 I’ll be the one trying to listen but looking rather anxious.

  2. In a work context I’m fine one on one, can sit down with someone I’ve never met before and with 30 minutes we’re planning to change the world together.
    But ‘working a room’ – pitching up a conference with a room of 100 other people and doing the small talk. I am absolutely rubbish. So yes I find groups of strangers harder to work with than individuals.

  3. I’m reasonably extroverted, but I prefer small group and one-to-one conversations, too. Otherwise it’s not really conversation, it’s just showing off. I love having friends round for dinner, but you won’t find me at “parties” these days – I was quite pleased to get through the era of everyone getting mullered in a small house and throwing up on the patio.

  4. I avoid parties. I much prefer 1:1 conversations. I wonder if most people feel that way, but being social animals we have learned to tolerate a crowd. Networks are important. Gatherings of family / friends are a norm, but how many of us dread them? There are certain three line whip events that I have to go to, so as to not upset people, but I still find it a bit of a trial.

  5. I can talk to absolutely anyone and frequently talk to complete strangers. However talking to a group of work colleagues and doing a ‘presentation’ is the worse thing out for me. I shake like a leaf before, jabber away and probably completely miss the points I am trying to make. Yet at my wife’s 50th last year I fretted for days on end about the speech I would have to make. On the night it flowed perfectly, I felt totally at ease. Weird.
    Also have been married twice and made 2 speeches, both relatively smoothly. I have been a best man 3 times – complete wreck each time. God knows why I was ever chosen.

  6. I’ll join in but rarely start conversations in group situations. I think it stems from assuming, rightly or wrongly, that nobody else is really interested in what I did this morning. If there’s an opportunity for an anecdote then I’m on it! I know I’m as interesting as anyone else in the group is likely to be ( I’ve yet to meet an astronaut etc) and the conversation will inevitably be started by someone saying something inane but it won’t be me!

  7. *sips ruminatively at small glass of Amontillado* Mm. My first wife, bless her, was quite the socialite. Loved a soirée. Place settings, flahs. Muggins here relegated to DJ and bar duties. For my sins. Can’t say I ever went into the things wholeheartedly, rather let her down in retrospect. Y’know, I always ended up at a table of braying sods who just would not go the fuck home. Perfectly decent coves, all in all, but I wanted to go to bed, dammit. Used to try Magical Visualisation; erecting a huge flashing neon sign saying GO HOME in the middle of the room. Imagination not up to scratch or something, had no effect. And then the bloody clearing up when finally they debouche into the night. Little niggles from her, generally starting with “why do you always …” Mm. Still. I was going to say I missed it. The brittle jokes, the runny cheese. But I don’t.

  8. Same here – room of strangers in a business enviroment, no problem chatting to them one on one or in small groups. Room of people in a social enviroment, immediately lose the power of speech.

  9. I’m in the kitchen because that’s where the booze is. And the sausage rolls. And the other sad bastards with whom I can exchange looks of mutual weltschmerz.

    Socialising? No thanks, I’m not a blimmin’ chimp. Do I want to listen to you blethering on about your conservatory, or listen to Elvin Jones clattering around his kit like a gigantic jazz catherine wheel?

    I’m not waiting for your answer, I’m putting me headphones on.

  10. I’m coming to the conclusion that I don’t like restaurants. If you think about the number of trully memorable meals you’ve had in restaurants…frequently you’d have eaten better at home. Plus the service is invariably rubbish, either too attentive, hovering…or it takes ages, or is too quick, or they pour your wine every time you have a sip to try to sell you more, or they interrupt when you are talking to tell you the specials or whatever. I agree with most of the above – 4 or 6 close friends, chez nous or chez eux is fine for me.

  12. There’s a lot of us about. But of course, you’d never know, because we’ve no way of telling each other. As a deep introvert, some aspects of life are a major challenge. I married another introvert, so the social side is manageable – neither of us like parties and we usually only attend under sufferance.

    Work is more of a challenge as the work dinners and networking events are as unavoidable as they are tiresome. I can make myself do some of the small talk but I find it deadly and it’s an effort that drains me. If you want to be interesting then be interested etc.

    Giving presentations doesn’t bother me at all – in fact I quite enjoy it; I’ve done speeches to 200+ people and the only things that still freak me out are (a) hearing my voice through a PA (sounds dreadful to me) and (b) a stage with no podium to stand (hide) behind. Sad to say I like the attention and the fact that the whole room is focused on lil’ol me. It’s the opposite of small talk where people come and go as they please.

  13. Yes and no.
    As long as it’s mostly people I know at the party/dinner/etcetera, I’m fine. But I get very tired from listening to lots of people talking loudly at the same time, and I’m too polite to interrupt when someone else is talking and while I’m waiting for a pause, someone else who isn’t too polite will interrupt and change the subject (and I’m left with a great anecdote/joke that has missed its window of opportunity).
    Among strangers I can either behave very oddly and awkward, or manage to act like a woman who’s confident and fearless (but I prefer being odd, because putting on an act means that you have to pretend to be that person the next time you meet those people again).
    I used to be terrified of speaking in front of lots of people, thanks to having to improvise massively while performing a play in front of all strangers when the person I had the long opening scene with froze/had a black-out/said the wrong lines at the wrong time (when she said anything at all).
    But then I had to do it a lot on a course I took, so I got over it. Not that I’d volunteer to speak in front of a room full of strangers!
    Mostly, I don’t enjoy going to parties because I won’t have much in common with anyone there. Everyone’s so grown up and dull.

  14. Since being told (by my cousin, how dare he) that I have Asperger’s, I tell everyone I have Asperger’s, all the time. “Don’t bother talking to me, I have Asperger’s”. It’s like having a get-out-jail-free card.

  15. “Working the room” was mentioned by Mosely. What a wonderful, rather pejorative description of a politician or careerist circulating at a gathering and shaking the right hands. I wonder when it first came into use.

    Some people can circulate so naturally that no one notices anything. If other guests in the room see that you are working it, then you are not doing it very well.

  16. I am in no way Mr Extrovert and much prefer one on one conversations. However, confidently quiet people do my head in. I have been invited out for a drink by this type before and I find that I do all the “work”. The kind of bloke that’s happy to stand at the bar (won’t sit down) saying nothing, usually on his own.

  17. I am witty, erudite and socially adept. So why, as at this afternoon’s hugely pleasant lunch (fish tacos, lemon pie, gallons of excellent wine) am I sat with 11 other people listening to that conversation over there, that conversation over here whilst totally and completely failling to contribute anything witty, erudite or socially adept?

  18. I have some hearing damage, mostly industrial from pre-ear defender days but also from listening to too-loud music in my misspent youth (and after).
    When more than one conversation is going on amongst a group of people, the talk can just become noises unless I concentrate quite hard. This can be quite tiring and makes it harder for me to make a contribution.
    In addition, I’m introverted by nature, rather dull and not at all sociable anyway..

  19. I’m fucking fantastic. Total extrovert. Talk to anyone and everyone. Will make a speech or a toast at the drop of a hat. Women accuse me of talking incessantly. My mate and I used to go to a local boozer for a few years. One night, the barmaid came over and informed us that, in years of observing us, she’d never once noticed a gap in our conversation. It flowed seamlessly from one to the other. I used to work abroad for short spells and sometimes ended up having incredible adventures with people I’d only just met. They sometimes became friends. Went into weddings in the hotels I was staying in and introduced myself to the happy couple. Never once asked to leave. Given glass of champagne instead. I love meeting new people, particularly from other nations. I’m totally at ease. Sorry – that’s just the way it is.

  20. Ianness – That is a fantastic personality trait to have. I am in awe of you.

    I made a joke recently & in it I mentioned that I was hard of hearing, so what Mike_H says above is me exactly. One on one conversations are ok, but in a party/work/social gathering I inevitability struggle,.

    Hey ho thats life. I have a heairng aid, but they are very uncomfortable, so the lively social animal I was in the later years of my time in the RN has turned into the quiet bloke at the outer edge of things.

    Not anti social as such, just many years working in weapons systems/engine rooms/boiler rooms & power stations.

    • I don’t have problems with my hearing in many other situations, just with multiple conversations and with certain timbres of voice on the radio in my (diesel-engined) work vehicle.
      Can’t say I’ve noticed it in regard to my appreciation of unfashionable music.

  21. Jack – a friend of mine has that problem and, the last time we met, he was really struggling as we were in a busy cafe. Awfullly frustrating for him and made it difficult for him to join in. He’s now using hearing aids also. I’m very lucky- all my family are very talkative and sociable. My Mum had a large guesthouse and I think meeting so many different people over the years. Again, many became friends of the family.

  22. At barbecues, I tend to take charge of the cooking; people say what a nice fellow I am for doing so, and I tell them it’s for three reasons:

    – I get my food cooked the way I want it
    – People think I’m a nice fellow fellow for doing it
    – I don’t have to socialise

    • Pot parties. No thanks. Why was it (in my day at least) considered bad form when scoring not to stick around and roll a few, and listen to other peoples stoned wittering (‘Skin up, man’). I noticed the trick was to draw you in my passing you a joint whilst your order was being prepared. My trick was to turn down the offer of a hit, look impatient, or pretend to be ill, or have a pressing engagement and then leg it, pronto. Worked every time with my particular connection.

  24. I make with the verbals. I’ll talk to, at, with and around absolutely anyone.
    I like people. Always have done even though they completely terrify me. That’s why I will talk the hind legs off a donkey. It’s my smoke screen. A dense conversational fog of verbiage.
    It masks my terror and innate shyness.
    I was a very shy child. Intimidated by everyone, bullied and solitary. Art school sorted that out to a great degree. I was finally amongst like minded souls. It felt like coming home, so I remade myself into a kind of ersatz extrovert.
    Nowadays I’m all winsome and raffishly dashing.

  25. So much to respond to here . I’m overwhelmed. I will reply to all the individual comments soon (by which time the while thread will he history as is the nature of these things)

    What I didn’t make clear enough in the OP was the way I’m always inevitably on my own no matter how many people are at the table. Everyone else finds a conversation partner. I have often noticed it. I don’t really mind, but it just seems inevitable , and I wondered if anyone else has this experience.

  26. Dinner parties. Horrible. So tedious, like being shown other people’s holiday slides or baby photos on a mobile phone and being expected to coo.

  28. Just thought.

    At 45, do I spin faster than I did when I was 33 and a third?

    When/If I get to 78, will I be struck down with motion sickness and be brittle as a piece of shellac?

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