Dwayne Johnson (to whom I have been compared*) has a new movie out and it’s predictably craptastic. But I enjoy watching him. He’s effortlessly cool, can act as far as he’s allowed to, and obviously enjoys his life. Offscreen, he’s apparently a bit of a sweetheart. But his main quality is making Vin Diesel look like a Muppet with a rubber voicebox. My man Dwayne could bounce your man Vin in the palm of his hand and toss him into the basket over his shoulder.
I also have a soft spot for Jason Statham, whom I dismissed as a cheap UK copy of the tough guy until I saw Crank, which is one of my Five Bestest Movies of all time, at number 11. This is so far over the top it almost invents a genre, but I don’t know what it’s called. And I can’t imagine anyone but Jase doing it. At the other end of the scale, I greatly enjoyed his performance in The Bank Job, an underplayed and undersung but note perfect heist movie (scripted by an on-form Dick Clement & Ian La Frenais). But I can watch him in almost anything – he’s the real deal, a convincing action movie tough guy, with the easy moves and the sharp look.
The loathesome Bruce Willis was pretty good in the first McLain movie. Even Stallone was okay in the first and last Rocky movies, and acquitted himself well in the obligatory “lighter side of” effort tough guys’ agents get them to do, Demolition Man, which is probably his best movie.
Arnie. Jeez. T2, okay, I’ll give you that. Chuck Norris is unique in the field for making only This Is The Worst Movie I Ever Saw In My Life movies. And he doesn’t look particularly hard, either. I reckon Pee Wee Herman could take him in a slapdown. Jean-Claude Van Damme? Anybody?
But it’s a crowded field. If you’re man enough for this thread, set your guy up against Dwayne. And see how far he falls short.
(*unfavourably)
I’ll nominate Charles Hawtrey. Obviously he was from a different time to the modern day action heroes you mention, so comparison doesn’t really work. Like comparing Nobby Stiles to Lionel Messi, or Paul Daniels to David Copperfield. Different times, different rules. Nonetheless, from his first role as ‘street Arab’ in The Windmill Man you knew here was a man every bit as tough as his name suggested. The sheer menace, the constant underlying threat of violence he brought to his performance as the white cat in ‘Bluebell In Fairyland’ had theatregoers and their wives trembling in their breeches. Let’s not forget that he virtually made Alfred Hitchcock’s career with sabotage.
Offscreen too he was a roughscallion extraordinaire, hanging with “gangs”, boozing and gambling and other tough things. I quote from wikipedia:
“In her autobiography, Barbara Windsor wrote about Hawtrey’s alcoholism, and his outrageous flirting with footballer George Best. While filming Carry On Spying (1964), in which they both played secret agents, Windsor thought he had fainted from fright at a dramatic scene on a conveyor belt. In fact he had passed out because he was drunk. When he came on set with a crate of R. White’s Lemonade, everyone knew that he had been on another heavy drinking binge. Nevertheless he was an integral face to the Carry on family, smoking Woodbines profusely and playing cards between takes with Sid James and his gang.”
Furthermore:
“During the filming of Carry On Teacher, Joan Sims cried out to Hawtrey that his mother’s handbag caught fire when her cigarette ash fell in. Hawtrey, without batting an eyelid, poured a cup of tea into it to put out the flames, snapped the handbag shut and continued with his story.”
Ha! I’d like to see “Dwayne” Johnson do that!
“Hand back that Cup Final ticket!!”
You are simply too much of a risk let loose on an internet, Gary. Dwayne knows where you live.
One also mustn’t forget Charles’s work with the seminal ‘Deaf Aids’ whose abrasive, atonal musique concrete had such a profound influence on a young Lennon.
…or indeed his Jazz Fusion album, Widdle’s Noodles
Charles Charlie Charles Hawtrey. That dude rocked, man. Only guy, I’d put him up against is The Grayminator. Uh huh. That’s right. Big Larry Shut That Door G. That’s a fight I’d pay to see. We’ll see who gonna shut whose door. Who really has the stomach to look at the muck in here.
It’s ageing Celt Liam Neeson for me. The man just has presence. As does, another Irishman, Gabriel Byrne.
Both guys would torture you and kill you but only for the right reasons and look vaguely soulful while doing so.
As if a line of Yeats was running through their head as they applied the hot poker to your skin.
Elderly peatsuckers Liam and Gabriel are not, strictly speaking, action heros. They can play those roles, but they are Ac-tors. And as such, my man Dwayne would crumple them up like so much wet tissue and flick them from the window of his speeding Pontiac GTO.
Yes, but could they do it whilst quoting the first stanza of To A Child Dancing In The Wind? Or whilst playing a Bodhran? I think not.
A good point, Fin.
Circa 1990, my sister was briefly in the Britannia Video Club. My Dad had a look through the
catalogue and was not impressed with the quality of films on offer. The final straw was a page devoted to the ouevre of everyone’s favourite high-kickin’ beard-rocker.
“Chuck Norris?”
The great man’s name, spat with incredulity and contempt, thereafter became a shorthand in our family as a general expression of disgust about any subject whatsoever.
While I’m here:
My guy is Kimball Cho from The Mentalist. Half a dozen guys like that would bring those ISIS punks to their knees. And the only man ever to look cool in a short-sleeved shirt.
Never heard of Kimball Cho. I think you made him up.
That’s because, as I’ve discovered, Nobody Else Watches The Mentalist. Well, apart from about ten million people in that there America.
Kimball Cho, I’m tellin’ ya. Conkers of chromium.
Other terse law enforcement officers are available.
Spoiled it a bit in the final, final, final episode. Kimball was revealed to have a comprehensive knowledge of ladies fashion.
Actually the whole post-Red John/CBI thing was a mistake. It was a bit Scrappy Doo after Jane parted company with his Citroen.
Bob Mitchum, especially as Philip Marlowe. I win.
http://i1094.photobucket.com/albums/i449/charlieboy14/93744d6ed6b0305675cd0d9708d78bf2_zpsqamplor2.jpg
A respectable, though not winning, entry. Bob was way too baked to ever get tough. My man Dwayne pities him.
responsible for a great quote with his marriage proposal.
“Stick with me and you’ll be farting through silk.”
— Actor Robert Mitchum after he proposed to his future wife, Dorothy Spence, in the late 1930s
… and of course “I have two acting styles: with and without a horse.”
He’s not really action the hero type though: too brooding, too clever.
I get that a lot.
Can I just say your “mis-posted” image of Der Wayne as Tinkerbell made me lol like a drain.
Steve McQueen, with his cheeky green, baseball mitt and drop kicking Nazis – job done.
I wrote a long, perfectly worded riposte to the OP, but the site ate it, so here’s the trimmer down, clunky, heart-not-really-in-it retread….
Dwayne Johnson is the greatest movie star on the planet right now. He has a metric ton of charisma, a great screen presence, likeability out the wazoo and a Cruise-ish willingness to give his all in every role. From crappy B movies to saccharine kids flicks, on to gleaming state of the art blockbusters, he never phones it in, and always guarantees a good time. No movie to date has been worse for his presence, and there is no movie in history that wouldn’t have benefitted from him being in it.
All of that said, he’s still not reached the level of prime Arnie, who made way more great movies than just T2. Probably Hollywood’s most unlikely megastar, he’s also the greatest bodybuilder who ever lived, an incredible businessman, a formidable politician and a Kennedy. His life story couldn’t be made up, and his movies invented the action template. Great as Johnson is, he’s never been in an action movie as game changingly brilliant as T2, nor a family comedy as well made as Twins.
In terms of other contenders, Statham is probably the state of the art action hero right now, but I’ll also give a shout for Iko Uwais. He’s only made one truly great action movie, but what a movie it is: The Raid. I am quite willing to buy him as the baddest man on the planet, and he probably weighs less than Dwayne Johnson’s pinkie. He’s Bruce Willis meets Bruce Lee, and that’s a tough combo to beat.
Glad to read another gushing piece of fanmail for my man Dwayne. Who is now Our Man Dwayne. But would Kimball Cho best your man Iko Uwais? Whatever, Dwayne could pick up the cage they fought in and rattle them like a couple of canaries, grinning likeably into camera the whilst.
Here’s Mr Diesel (I hope, always a gamble):
http://i1318.photobucket.com/albums/t642/burtkocain/3xJMi62_zpsmhu2rwx2.png
“Ooh, I don’t really care any more. Good luck to him, I say!”
Why Magenta de Vine used to wear those sunglasses
Whatever happened to Magenta de Vine? I’m asking you because I think you know.
Mmmm… nope. I just know that the kind of shows she used to appear in don’t get made any more.
See? Modern life isn’t that rubbish.
Pfft. There is only one tough guy and he uttered these immortal words of wisdom.
I know what you’re thinking: “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?
P.S. it’s not Liberace
We’ve already had Charles Hawtrey, you pillock!
Sorry *doing a flounce and sobbing into my Barbara Windsor cushions*
I saw those in Carry On Camping.
Shake hands.
Another nomination: Charlize Theron.
Furiosa is surely the greatest Hollywood action hero of the last decade, bar none.
*slobber*
we’re big fans of Jason,
I try to block Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson out of my mind as he is central to a number of my worst viewing experiences.
Exhibit 1. 20ish years ago, my two boys were obsessed with ‘wrestling’. I had to accompany them to an event in Manchester. I think it was the WWF, the World Wrestling Federation. The whole thing was utter and complete nonesense and so clearly choreographed it made me cringe. It lasted hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours. Yer man ‘The Rock’ lost in the final against some other big bloke in black whose presence was announced by doomy music. The boys loved it. The only thing that remains with me all these years later is that ‘The Rock’ has an impossibly large tongue. He should have been in Kiss.
Exhibit 2. Lord knows when, Dwayne shifted to the movies. He played an evil Egyptian mummy in a sub Indiana Jones romp. I took eldest son and friend (they couldn’t get in without an adult). I have no memory of the film at all, except for one scene when ‘The Rock’ opens his huge mouth and a swarm of flies emerges. This upset my son’s friend so much, he felt physically and I had to take him home. Son was angry at missing the rest of the film. I was relieved.
Exhibit 3. This time it is girl time. Mum was indisposed, so I was again the nominated adult to transport daughter and friend to the movies. Tooth Fairy is, without doubt, the worst film I have ever seen. It is absolute drivel.
On each of those occasions, I paid good money, not just for myself but for two other people. I resent every penny. I will not be watching Mr Johnson again.
I can’t say I like Action Movies and, therefore, avoid them. The only actor I have enjoyed watching in one is Nick Cage. He sends up the ridiculousness of it all by appearing unhinged. He gets a single thumbs-up from me.
Yebbut, Nic Cage has no notion of sending anything up. He’s serious about his craft.
Hmmm.
Cage has a history of appearing in films which aren’t as good as they’re supposed to be. And always with that slightly risible oh-look-there’s-a-cat-stuck-up-that-tree expression on his face.
With his hair doing an uncanny impression of the cat.
Cage is an odd one. The lead in a number of my favourite movies of the 80s/90s. Raising Arizona, Red Rock West, Wild At Heart, the ludicrous but brillant Face/Off, and especially Leaving Las Vegas – but someone who seems to act in caricatures rather than characters.
This may be something to do with the type of roles he has taken on in later years. Amazingly prolific too which also may explain the variable quality levels.
All in all though, can’t really take him seriously as an out and out tough guy. A slightly demented villain, yes, but tough guy, no.
My favourite thing is his subtlety and willingness to go low key if that’s what the role requires.
Understated to a fault. He’s a natural to play John Le Mesurier in any biopic.
Are you people nuts? John The Measure? Cage ain’t worthy!
By the look of him up there he could do a Thom Yorke biopic though.
Nic Cage in Captain Corelli’s Mandolin was a work of surreal genius.
I remember it was one the GLW was keen to see (big fan of the book etc….), so I dutifully went along (usually the type of fillum and book I’d avoid with Bargepole’s proverbial bargepole) and I just ended up laughing all the way through.
Anyone who can play Captain Corelli in the style of Captain Bertorelli from ‘Allo ‘Allo deserves an Oscar, a Golden Globe and a Bafta.
Here’s Cagey boy on top form
Considering what a terrible film “Captain Correlli’s Mondolin” was, I actually thought that Penelope Cruz put in a pretty decent performance.
Ahem. The Rock did not play the titular Mummy, he played the in-no-way-laughable CGI-on-steroids Scorpion King in that film, proving so popular as the uber-crustacean that he went on to take advantage of a claws in his contract and starred in a spin-off film of his own.
Hmm. For all I know it was a Scorpion movie. I can’t say I was paying close attention.
You’re as uncomfortable in this thread as you would be in a cardie that came out all stiff and rough-feeling from the wash, Tig. Nobody likes to see you like this.
Not as uncomfortable as Dwayne in his tooth fairy costume.
Aha! Though but! Dwayne is ENTIRELY comfortable in his tooth-fairy costume.
Not judging by the picture you posted further down the thread.
Perhaps it is a little tight around the gusset.
On the plane back from a Florida holiday I watched half of fast and furious 6, which I think shows that the Rock is a better actir than Vin Diesel. Not setting the bar too high though.
And the answer is Jackie Chan
Cyril Raffelli….check out the two District 13 movies !!
The little girl in ‘Kick Ass’ could not only give Dwayne a right doing, but her barbed putdowns would have him sobbing in his leotard.
And you were doing so well …
When the Afterword took refuge on facebok, there was a terrific thread started by (I think @danp – apologies if not the case) about how various rock stars would fare in an ongoing fisticuffs-type situation with their peers.
These so-called Hollywood tough guys would – in reference to that thread – all prove to be complete gurly men, who would not last five minutes against Charlotte Church.
Very provocative piece there HP. First to diss the greatest action movie ever (apart from The Raid,by referring to it as “the first McLain”. It’s John Mc- Yippee-Kay-CLANE, you disrespectful hack!
Then to suggest Chuck Norris doesn’t look particularly hard when the man uses his black belts as dental floss, while your gym bunny Dwayne (granted that wussy name may have gifted him a “boy named Sue” style mean streak) admires his “guns” in front of a full-length mirror. And, unlike your champion, Chuck can’t be defeated by paper or scissors…
To: Bot
In re yr memo 01/06
Attachment:
https://cashmerechains.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/chuck-norris.jpg?w=300&h=284
Mmm. About as scary as that FBI warning you used to see at the beginning of video cassettes.
(cc: Dwayne Johnson)
http://i1318.photobucket.com/albums/t642/burtkocain/chuck-norris_zpsbcyvrphx.jpg
My boy enjoys whupping ass so much he sees no sport in pointing his shooters AT his adversary. The hail of bullets is merely to announce his arrival. Show that picture to your “Rock” and he will demonstrate his acting chops by doing a perfect impersonation of that look on Bob Hoskins’ face in the final scene of The Long Good Friday..
Your boy: double denim, mullet, tidybeard.
My man: fluffy angel wings … hang on … and pink satin? This is the WRONG PICTURE. DAMN AND DOUBLE DAMN this no-edit nightmare!
http://i1318.photobucket.com/albums/t642/burtkocain/Dwayne-Johnson-The-Tooth-Fairy_zpsrhped0wf.jpg
A deer wanders into the garden, stops and gives me that familiar quizzical look.
“You’re right, I too have no idea what this thread is about, not one single clue.”
It’s about fifty comments long.
Make that 59. I liked Die Hard 1 & 2 if that’s of any consequence? Oh and Return of Terminator 23 where Arnie is now a good guy and goes Back to the Future or wherever.
And its obvious to any fool here that Sigourney Alien could take out any of the gay wimps mentioned above.
The best action heroes understand the value of a good team:
Steve McQueen
Old fashioned action hero.
Bullit, Towering Inferno, Great Escape.
Cooler car, cooler clothes and cooler look.
He’d take out Johnson with just one ice cold stare.
And John Wayne. Him too. With horses. Now that’s hard.
Can’t believe we’ve got this far down the thread and still no mention of the mighty Doug McClure! Between the ages of about six and nine I wanted to be Doug McClure. A versatile, all action hero who – critically – could act tough on a shoestring budget, Doug hit a purple patch during the mid-70s with sci-fi classics such as The Land that Time Forgot, At the Earth’s Core and Warlords of Atlantis. He was solid, dependable and completly unflappable. Nothing could ruffle Doug’s feathers, even a giant octopus. And he always wore an exceptionally well fitted pair of trousers.
http://i.imgur.com/XHEPoKf.jpg
Arnie. Politically dodgy, usually risible etc. But its not T2 you need but T1 – from the first shot of the naked ecce homo through the time vortex, to ‘I need your boots, your clothes and your motorcyle’ its a hoot from beginning to shiny skeletal end.
Can’t believe we’ve got this far without a mention of ubertwattenfuhrer Steven Livingstone Seagal.
Any excuse will do.
Wesley Snipes all day long.
How he doesn’t have an Oscar is a mystery #propervampire
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2G-8SXQiYgI
Bleek and Shadow go at it.
Quick recommendation for ‘Baby I don’t care’ which is a great biography of Mitchum’s fascinating life.